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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 7/10/2008 6:22:18 AM |
Firstly to providename, perhaps I didn't make it clear enough, but it's not as if I am totally NOT seeking a relationship, it's just I don't make such a big deal of looking for it as if it is a necessity, so I'm not really seeking validation for anything.
Let's cut to the chase then: what is it that really bothers you about your situation?
Are you under pressure from family members and friends? Or do you feel this way for your own reasons? | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 7/10/2008 4:42:27 PM | | I guess that perhaps my concern is that there may be certain reasons as to why I find connection in the "relationship" sense difficult (or perhaps there may not be). Of course, I'm not going to any definitive answer on an internet forum, or from anyone for that matter, but it always helps to get other opinions, especially if it is something apparent that comes across in my thoughts and reasonings in my posts. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/5/2008 7:38:58 PM | [QUOTE]if you dont want a relationship or sex, then dont ****ing have it.
if you do, then pursue it.
simple as that.[/QUOTE]
I do pursue it, but with failure every time. Not that I take the fact somebody doesn't happen to be attracted to me personally though - if they don't, they don't, it's not something I put myself down about in particular, but when it always happens I have to ask myself if there really is something that is preventing me from even getting a date whereas all my friends, family members continue dating and forming significant relationships all around me.
It would sort of make sense if I was a social outcast and had perpetuated self-hate, but I do see myself as sociable and somebody who could be of great worth in a relationship and possibly bring a lot into somebody's life. Fat lot of good it does me though.
Sorry. These feelings have come back again with a vengeance after really falling for somebody who I'm pretty sure doesn't feel the same way back yet again, as he is already in a relationship. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/6/2008 12:32:39 AM | | No, you're not missing something. You just haven't found the right person yet. I think you're a very strong young lady to not just give in and have sex just because everyone else is doing it. Good for you. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/6/2008 6:30:19 AM | One might think I am strong for not giving in and having sex, but really the only reason for that is that I can't even get myself into that sort of situation, because nobody seems to be particularly attracted to me. It's not as if I haven't done anything either, I have confessed my feelings to people if I have felt like I would like to be more than friends, which are not returned, or they're in a relationship. I don't take it personally - it's not something that can be changed, but when it happens time and time again it gets more and more disheartening and reinforcing the feeling that even one date with somebody I genuinely do like is an impossible dream, even if I KNOW logically that it is a possibility.
Well I guess I could give myself away to some middle aged man who would shag anything, but I think perhaps "no" is the best word to use for that one... | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/24/2008 10:03:26 PM | I still don't know why I can't get rid of this anger and frustration. I am nearly 21 and I have not had anything resembling a relationship. While I am happy with myself and don't think of myself negatively most of the time, (I can make friends quite easily, as well as solid friendships, and I am quite socially confident) if somebody asks me the question "do you have a boyfriend?" or such a similar question, it just elicits thoughts of "ha, no way, don't be so ridiculous, I mean, me in a relationship!?". While I know theoretically and logically this is not true, but this is the persistent feeling. People try to encourage me by saying that there may be people who are interested in me, but I do NOT believe it. There is no evidence to suggest this whatsoever and I don't want to delude myself.
Now I'm not going to enter a relationship for the sake of it, being with somebody for the sake of it is a pointless exercise if one is not particularly attracted to them, but I still can't simply ignore or not care by being perpetually single and perpetually unable to express intimacy like some people are able to. In any case these people have at least experienced this and so do not find singledom so frustrating. Also, I DO put myself out there and have asked people out several times (although unsuccessfully, obviously due to me writing this) so it's not as if I am sitting around doing nothing about it and merely waiting expectantly.
Sorry, I'm feeling rather fecked off right now due to things happening and being unable yet again to pursue what I want. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 4/15/2009 7:44:26 AM | | Oh stop being such a child! Perhaps learn from the wisdom of those older then yourself instead of voicing such generalisations as believeing that middle age men have a higher propensity to shag anything then any other age group, then perhaps,just perhaps, you'll be viewed with romantic interest. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 8/31/2009 2:27:58 PM | ^Please. Read my post more carefully. If I was making a generalisation, I would say "middle aged men who would shag anything", instead I said "some middle aged man who would shag anything", because there are SOME (as a random example) - I didn't mean all, so don't bother shooting me down unless you have reason in your argument.
And just to clarify, as it seems unclear here, I actually DO want a relationship. I just don't want to be in the position of NEEDING one, or having one with somebody who I have little or no attraction to in any way (and I mean in general, not just appearance). Basically think of all the times you meet the opposite sex and don't have particular attraction to them, and/or they don't have a particular attraction to you. To me, it's one, other, or both all the time - what can I possibly do about that? I can't make somebody attracted to or love me, and I can't make myself love anyone else. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 8/31/2009 3:01:58 PM | OP I'm with you in the general aversion of "needs" and I pride myself on having minimal needs beyond the basic biological ones; pretty much everything else is optional, a "nice to have" I could live without, relationships and sex included. I also think you shouldn't lose any sleep on what "normal" people and society at large thinks of you, you are who you are and you don't have to be like everybody else.
On the other hand, I'm puzzled when you say more than once that others don't find you attractive. I'm not gonna lie and say you are a perfect ten or anything but you're easily above average on the looks department alone, and from your writing style you seem educated, smart and well spoken. Without further details, I find it hard to believe you're not being approached all the time; are you sure it's not all in your mind or is there any other critical missing information going on here ? | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 8/31/2009 3:59:51 PM | | I really am very rarely approached - I mean, I seem to attract people at least on appearance - probably the 'furthest' I've got in this respect is being asked for my phone number, but to me, the prospect of being asked out or whatever is simply alien to me. Perhaps it's because I don't exude a sexual energy and people 'admire' and 'like' me, rather than seeing somebody who they can take to bed with them. That said, I'm not closed about sexual matters, I'll talk about masturbating, I might make sexual jokes or innuendo if it's in good taste, so I'm not reserved in that respect, but I do have a feeling that perhaps my body language might reflect being reserved on a sexual level perhaps due to my inexperience. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 8/31/2009 4:11:09 PM | | Is it possible that you have Aspergers ? Aspies have trouble with non-verbal communication so that could explain it, though it's less common in females. Or maybe you have a funny voice ? I don't know, it seems pretty strange.. if it wasn't for the Atlantic between us I'd ask you out myself, out of curiosity if nothing more. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 8/31/2009 4:18:10 PM | | Well I have no problems socially in general, I have a wide social circle, find it easy to make friends or at least find rapport with others and have my share of closer friends. It has never been suggested I am aspergic or anything similar. Never been told I have a funny voice or anything like that...funny thing is, I have had people say that they are surprised that I don't get asked out, yet they themselves wouldn't ask me out, not that I necessarily mind so much, but it proves the point. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 8/31/2009 8:01:25 PM | I think you are wonderful, clauclau. And I don't think your experience would be that uncommon wer it not for the pressures young people place upon themselves to become sexually popular and/or socially 'normal'.
All in all it's a huge headache and with tongue in cheek my reply to your thread title is no, you really aren't missing all that much anyway. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 8/31/2009 8:05:40 PM |
...there seems to be some kind of reasoning or pathologisation going on in their heads...
Dear, you lost me right there... | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 9/23/2009 3:37:50 PM | I guess I am looking for some kind of answer, (even though it's probably a pointless endeavour!) but neither I, nor anyone else can seem to find one. I have asked people who know me in real life for an honest answer as to why men do not seem interested in me, and it leaves me no clearer. To be objective I will mention what others have said - I do not seem needy/insecure, I do not seem intimidating, I do not seem selfish, and I know I have a healthy self esteem and many great platonic friendships. I also do not have much problem getting a date from a site such as this one when I am judged by pictures and my words, but I cannot (and have never) got a date from a real life encounter, and I have never had continued sustained interest from any of my dates once we had met.
I have had many older guys interested in me, most often simply physically, and it is evident that it is to no further extent than that. Apparently I seem older, more mature and dress in a more 'sophisticated' way which might be the reason for that. I'd like to think that perhaps I am blind to it and that in fact there are many people who have the hugest crush on me, and of course, my friends will say "I am sure there are loads of people interested in you", but based on the evidence I have seen, I can't believe that. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 9/23/2009 5:20:05 PM | Have you tried traveling to a mediterranean or south american country ? There's a reason we have Latin lovers but English patients  | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 9/23/2009 7:28:49 PM | I am not sure I have ever met a "normal" person but you seem to fall in the normal range of human beings in every repect. If you participate in a co-ed environment doing what is fun for you and what excites you about life, then you are likely to be highly attractive to the men around you who will want you as part of their life.
You might find it fun and educational to study body language to get more accurate information about the signals you are sending out and about how men are reacting to you. You might also want to study flirting to increase the fun and effectiveness of your communications with men.
Have fun.
Good luck. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 9/24/2009 9:43:06 AM | OP,
it's update time.
you started this thread 1.5 years ago. do you mean in all this time you still can't get a single date? No way I'm buying this, specially for a cute young woman in a huge city. If you can't find a single guy youre attracted to on here that wants to meet you, you have a set of impossible criteria we aren't aware of.
Finding that elusive "mututal attraction" "spark" etc etc is hard I will agree there, but you have to at least put yourself out there. If you have the attitude that you won't even try and something will fall in your lap, obviously you;re finding out that doesn't work so much. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 9/24/2009 10:13:34 AM | OP, I think a lot of people underestimate the role of chance in their lives, particularly in regard to finding romantic partners. I do not think it's "abnormal" that you haven't found anyone yet that sparks your interest, but given that you appear from your photos to be a physically attractive young woman living in a populous area, it would seem that the odds would be in favor of you having met someone "interesting" by now.
The universe is big enough that a lot of unlikely things happen. Do not feel that you are "abnormal", embrace your singularity. That said, I agree with some of the other posters that you may have to get yourself "out there" to find that one interesting person. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 9/25/2009 5:23:06 PM | [QUOTE]OP,
it's update time.
you started this thread 1.5 years ago. do you mean in all this time you still can't get a single date? No way I'm buying this, specially for a cute young woman in a huge city. If you can't find a single guy youre attracted to on here that wants to meet you, you have a set of impossible criteria we aren't aware of.
Finding that elusive "mututal attraction" "spark" etc etc is hard I will agree there, but you have to at least put yourself out there. If you have the attitude that you won't even try and something will fall in your lap, obviously you;re finding out that doesn't work so much.[/QUOTE]
It's the other way round - it's being unable to find someone attracted to ME. I have of course had a few guys that I have been attracted to, but it never worked out, even in the instances when I have asked them out.
However, in the last 2 days, maybe, just maybe, this might be changing...if not, I'll be back on here moaning again...  | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 9/26/2009 12:23:35 PM | Maybe you have a low sex drive?
I can't remember ever NOT having boys at my door at your age. It was the norm for me to spend hours on end thinking about the boy that I had a "thing" for and/or fantasizing being with him.
I would have been hard pressed to NOT get involved in relationships (I started with my first boyfriend at 15) but I had already kissed a boy or two before that.
Don't your genitals get all tingly when you're around them? Doesn't their scent throw you up the roof? Doesn't your body scream for them to touch you?
If not...you may just have low or no sex drive.
That or you want so much to be different, you're missing your biological instinct. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:40:20 AM | [QUOTE]Maybe you have a low sex drive?
I can't remember ever NOT having boys at my door at your age. It was the norm for me to spend hours on end thinking about the boy that I had a "thing" for and/or fantasizing being with him.
I would have been hard pressed to NOT get involved in relationships (I started with my first boyfriend at 15) but I had already kissed a boy or two before that.
Don't your genitals get all tingly when you're around them? Doesn't their scent throw you up the roof? Doesn't your body scream for them to touch you?
If not...you may just have low or no sex drive.
That or you want so much to be different, you're missing your biological instinct.[/QUOTE]
No, no, no. You're not getting it! I DO have interest in guys just like anyone else. And in fact I probably have quite a high sex drive, to be crude, I do masturbate once every one or two days. The point is THEY are not interested in ME no matter how I feel about anyone, so how I feel normally means jack shit, so short of putting myself out there to have a drunken stand with somebody who I'm not even attracted to (which is pointless, for me) I haven't had any chances to be with someone. I don't see why people seem to assume my lack of relationships is down to me not being interested in somebody else.
However, as I said, very recently, for the FIRST time in my life, there is somebody I may have the sort of connection that I have always wanted. And, it seems like it may well be sincere, since the only other type of "attraction" I have had has been PURELY physical - i.e. being full-on despite barely even talking to me. While physical attraction is of course important, it of course cannot form the basis of any kind of RELATIONSHIP by itself. Early days, yet though, so I will see where it goes.
I just realised I used a lot of capitalisation too...hmm.. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 9/27/2009 10:18:58 PM | From what you have said i don't think there is anything wrong with you and your doing your best to connect with people. Maybe your a bit like me and on a different wave length to the people around you and unlucky in that you haven't had the opportunity to click with someone at the right time and they click with you too and not in a relationship. I guess some people are mis understood and maybe people think that you are someone that you are not and that happens to me a lot too which makes it harder to find love but that is just speculation.
I'm not sure how wide your interests are or what type of community you live in but maybe your just not in a crowd that is similar enough to you to increase the chances of a relationship. The internet helps by exposing you to a far bigger range of people. I understand that you are frustrated by this as it must be really hard as you have that stuck feeling and not knowing how to move forward, and i hope that something changes for you. I just hope that you don't lose hope of connecting with someone and become jaded. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/18/2009 4:59:24 AM | Well, it seems that the person that appeared interested is pulling away from me. I don't know for 100% sure, but not contacting at all for some time would tend to indicate that, so I'm back to singledom as usual. To me, this doesn't feel normal. Whenever I see people in relationships, it rips me up, because they are living something that is a mere dream to me. To be crude, I have romantic and sexual urges that I can never express, yet it's even got to the point where nobody, not even my own family, ask me about boyfriends or dating, as they probably know the answer will be no - as if I am some kind of asexual being that doesn't care about sex or relationships (I have been told this). I am just tired of these feelings of inadequacy, frustration and loneliness. I have fought these feelings with all the emotional resources I have, and sometimes I can keep them at bay, but they always return, and it seems people who have had relationships who talk to me about such issues do not understand how exactly demoralising it is.
Perhaps I am just better to come to terms with the fact that I will always live with something missing in my life. I can continue to strive towards my other personal goals and find happiness in that way. When my father divorced my mother 18 years ago he never had another relationship since. Perhaps that is the path I am destined to follow too, and perhaps I have inherited these behaviours, except I won't have children to show for it. | |
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| Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/18/2009 5:55:39 AM | Ah, OP, I recognize my 21-year-old self in your posts as well as your profile! I know it's hard to not despair at this point, because it feels that it will never happen, but you're really just getting started. I think there are a couple of things going on with people "like us." Like me, you may very well be a late bloomer. You're probably mentally precocious as hell; just lack the experience in relationships that appears to be the norm for your age. Maybe even physically, you were "ready" later than is typical.
There may also be something about you that keeps men from being drawn to you in the way they are drawn to other women. I know that I apparently exude some kind of reserve that makes men feel they are wasting their time in approaching me. I'm polite and friendly, but something about me screams, "back off!"
So, I never had the normal teenage experience when it came to dating. Guys just generally weren't interested in me in that way. I got along great with boys and had loads of platonic friends- but no one ever seemed interested in me romantically. In turn, I was pretty selective in who I was attracted to. I was always a bit puzzled by my friends who seemed to have crushes on every third boy they saw. Sure, I was interested in men, sexually, just not indiscriminately.
So yeah, you are not the norm when it comes to dating and relationships. But you're not a freak either. Unfortunately, society will give you a lot of crap about it. I was variously accused of being frigid, asexual, lesbian, even physically defective. None of these were true. It's also doubly frustrating to be overflowing with this passion and yearning, and to be accused of lacking it, just because you don't have someone with whom you can express it.
Do not despair, however! Shortly before turning 22, I met the man I would eventually marry, and those things that apparently were a barrier for others just weren't for him. Since you're a bit different, it stands to reason that the right person for you will be different as well, and it may simply take some time for you to find each other. And there will be more than one, most likely. Once the ice has been broken, so to speak, you'll probably find yourself getting a lot more interest from men than you're accustomed to. I may never be the belle of the ball, but since 21, I never had to be alone if I didn't want to be.
Sorry, not much by way of advice here. All I can say is to try not to be discouraged, shrug off what others think, and try not to be too focused on finding a relationship right now. The more you work on becoming comfortable with yourself, the more confident you'll become, and that will make you attractive to others in general.
Good luck, and feel free to PM me anytime you need a pep talk! | |
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