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 clauclau
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 51
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Am I missing something here?Page 3 of 3    (1, 2, 3)
What you write pretty much describes me, which is quite rare! I hope that the penultimate paragraph can also describe me some day.
I wish I could just meet somebody who is as straightforward as me - I don't piss about with people's feelings, if I like somebody, I like somebody, and I'll say so, I don't suddenly switch on and off. If I say I'll call somebody, I'll bloody well call them when I said, or as soon as possible if something came up. I don't see why it seems to be a problem for so much of the population who just can't seem to work out how they feel, and/or how to express it and actually be CONSISTENT.
I know that deep down I am quietly confident about myself, but there is also an element of bitter resignation. If somebody asks me about finding a partner or marriage, I get the urge to say something lie "me? Finding a partner? There's more chance of there being a 30th February this year..." I don't know if that feeling will quite ever go away...
 brightestblue
Joined: 8/28/2008
Msg: 52
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Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/18/2009 12:57:44 PM
We may be a bit odd, but there are a few of us around! The thing is, there are actually men whose type we are, and they tend to be intelligent, interesting and unconventional sorts, so while you may have a bit of a wait, you will find a man as relieved and happy to have found you, as you are to have found him.

Although there are flakes at every age, I think the consistency thing is largely a maturity issue. It seems that a lot of serious-minded women in their early twenties are dealing with guys who still have a lot of growing up to do. It should get better as you get older. A lot of things do, actually.

The feelings of resignation will go away once you get into your first relationship. It might not be instantaneous, though. I think I spent the first several months with my first boyfriend not quite believing this was actually happening to me. At that point, I HAD sort of resigned myself to endless spinsterhood. I'd even acquired a cat!

Look, you're pretty, intelligent, and seem to be able to interact well socially. Even though you may not feel it, you're still really young, and still well within the bounds of a normal age for starting your first relationship. There's no reason it can't happen to you. In fact, I'd be willing to be money that it will!
 clauclau
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 53
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Am I missing something here?
Posted: 12/24/2009 4:48:41 PM
There is again somebody else I am very interested in, and we have met up on what you could call a date, and at this stage the state of play is ambiguous - there is a possibility it could go further, but a possibility it couldn't, although at this point I'd hope that it could go further. However more significant than this was my realisation after talking about this with a friend.
I have realised how much I assume I will be rejected every time, because I have indeed been rejected every time and this is all I know. Because of this I never get my hopes up and almost feel rejected even before I know. I am not sure how to deal with these overwhelming feelings of doubt. While I know in my mind that the past does not necessarily define the future, it is hard to escape those negative feelings. Having said that, I won't waste an opportunity, and I won't give up on making a relationship or date happen, but at the back of my mind, I know it's unlikely anything will happen. While I have sometimes received initial interest, this quickly peters out. I have never known anyone to have had a big crush on me or have anything beyond mutual interest for me, so it's a big obstacle to stay positive and it requires endless discipline for myself not to sink into some kind of despair. I mean, I made this thread when I was 20. Now I'm 22 and writing the same things.
I know in my mind I am capable of being in a relationship, but sometimes it is hard to genuinely FEEL that is the case. How have other people dealt with these feelings?
 clauclau
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 54
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Am I missing something here?
Posted: 12/26/2009 12:53:09 PM
I am at a loss of what to do now.. It is hard to stay positive when there is no positive evidence to suggest being so. The only positivity I have is a sense of ever-wavering faith in the seemingly impossible.
 durandal26
Joined: 3/16/2008
Msg: 55
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 12/26/2009 5:55:47 PM
One question. Do you act in real life similarly to how you type here? If so, that is the problem.

If you act in real life how you type here, then guys are turned off because you would seem like a pretentious (even if it's not an act), insufferable twat.

I am a writer and have no problem understanding the way you type. If I wanted to, I could even use the same writing style. So it's not because I simply don't understand.

Here's an example:


I am at a loss of what to do now.. It is hard to stay positive when there is no positive evidence to suggest being so. The only positivity I have is a sense of ever-wavering faith in the seemingly impossible.


Normal people would say:

"I'm not sure what to do. It's hard to stay positive when there's never been anything to be happy about. The only thing I can do is hope that things will change."

For you to act like that (if you do) just makes you seem snobbish, pretentious, one of the "elite", etc.

Now, other things. If the problem is that anybody you're interested in is not interested in you, it's probably because of your behaviour / personality. Do you act like a generally happy, upbeat person around potential dates? Or do you act all emo and sad, or even worse, in a monotone like you have no emotions?

I can definitely say that your appearance is not the problem since you have decent looks—especially considering there are so many women in London that are fat or have kids while they are still teenagers. It must be your personality. Honestly the only way to tell would be to spend 5 mins hanging out with you. Within the first 20 secs of talking with you I could make a good guess at the problem.

Whatever it is, I suggest you get your friends to tell you honestly what your personality flaws are.
 clauclau
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 56
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Am I missing something here?
Posted: 12/26/2009 7:09:36 PM
The trouble is, nobody's been able to give any reason why, or point out a significant personality flaw, even when I have asked my friends such a question and asked for an honest answer. Perhaps I need somebody perceptive and honest enough, although I wouldn't say that the people I have asked lack those traits.
I also speak quite differently to how I write, I can assure you that I do not speak as 'pretentiously' as I may come across here.
I guess you could say I am somebody who thrives more being with people than being alone - my 'emo' moments generally come when I spend time by myself, but generally I am positive and upbeat around other people. In fact it surprises me how many people describe me as 'positive', even if my underlying attitude as shown by some of my posts here, is quite pessimistic, at least in regards to romantic relationships anyway. As I mentioned, there is often initial interest, that does not develop any further.
 clauclau
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 57
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Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/25/2011 3:49:33 PM
The sad thing is, looking at that post I made almost two years ago, almost nothing has changed. A few dates based on relatively superficial interest, but they all disappear in the end. I'm at a loss at how to deal with the sadness around not being able to find at least some kind of love. I have my positive and negative days, but the result is the same... I'm still happy with the rest of my life, but I can't erase the yearning to feel love from someone else instead of always having to give it to myself to try and feel fulfilled and loved. How do people make themselves feel better during years of no real relationships and being unable to find one?
 Confident-Realist
Joined: 2/8/2004
Msg: 58
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/25/2011 6:16:27 PM
I guess the main point of this rambling post is whether other people have different or similar views on the 'need' for relationships or sex? Sometimes I get self doubts I feel that there must be something missing in me because I have had literally NOTHING in terms of romance

It's not that you haven't been in an LTR. 21 is still young. You're a new-born to the bar scene... and still in college-age.

The real problem is "any kind of sexual experience". You've dated guys but no fooling around, at 21? I think if you go for shy guys who've had little sexual experience you won't find a problem at all. Problem is, you're not attracted to them. So... yes, statistically there is a problem, right?

In the end, socially/sexually active guys at 21+up are hesitant of gals who haven't crossed any base-paths yet... because there could easily be attachment ASAP. If you make it clear that you're not clingy and don't see sexual relations = relationship, then they'll be less hesitant.

OR just don't tell them. :) Seriously.... you're making it a big thing, hence, they'll see it (and should see it) as a big thing. Stop being so complicated. Treat it like kissing.
 getanet
Joined: 6/10/2011
Msg: 59
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/25/2011 6:36:56 PM
Oh my....so much typing....so much self-analysis. Are you this verbose in person too? Maybe guys start to nod off a bit if this is how your conversations go in general?
Get outside of yourself. This is just too much analyzing. Seriously.

The age thing is no big deal. Seeing enough people just "get it over with" just wasn't all that hot to me either. You aren't alone out there. Some people TALK about sex a lot. Doesn't mean they're doing it. Especially at 20, 21.
 ravenhair4u
Joined: 8/13/2011
Msg: 60
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Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/25/2011 6:37:00 PM
Don't listen to any of those ppl who think there is something wrong w/you. There is absoultly nothing wrong with you! You are only 21! The fact that you are virgin is a valued asset & beautiful, hang on to it for as long as you can. There is nothing missing in you, either. Enjoy life, when the right man comes along, & he will, & you fall in love, things will happen naturally. You have the intelligence not to give yourself to a man who isn't the right one. So many ppl lose their viginity young, before they are mentally & emotionally ready, stay on the track you are on. You a young lady who values herself, & is making the right decisions.
 clauclau
Joined: 10/3/2007
Msg: 61
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Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/26/2011 12:55:39 AM
Actually I am nearly 24 now, I started this thread when I was 21. Also, I don't talk about these things in real life at all, in fact it's probably restricted to forums and occasionally talks with close friends. People ALWAYS assume I'm a virgin out of choice, but it's not.
 pasmal
Joined: 2/24/2010
Msg: 62
Am I missing something here?
Posted: 10/26/2011 2:05:26 AM
It's normal to wonder --am I ok--until it happens, but you are right to choose carefully. Many have poor first experiences and aren't better for rushing to get it over with. All you can do is be social and fulfill your life yourself-being content, capable and progressive is appealing. If you are living your passions you will meet kindred people--befriend men and women and you will find a good choice by moving in your kind of circles. Mainly, you have to be ok with your status--others take their cue from you. You sound like you want to fit in vs be who you are.
There is never a need to apologize as long as you aren't hurting anybody or using avoidance
to cope with anxiety--the latter just makes your world narrow and uptight. Socializing helps because even if not dating, you are forming friendships which help isolation, gets you comfortable, feeing connected, supported and forming those skills you need in any interaction, professional or social.
Just have faith, no need to be pessimistic at a young age, even if not the norm. Who is, really, and does it matter? Anyone who likes you won't care, and the reverse is really more a concern.
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