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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:53:08 AM |
I knew someone that told me once, they'd had a 3 way, 2 girls and some guy, I didn't really find that as horrible as I thought I would to hear it, but it was followed by "I'm past that stage in my life and I will never do that again."
So because i had a threesome withe another gitl and a guy in the past, i should do it with my current boyfriend? Erm no, reason being, i love him, and actually see a future with him! Doing that would ruin what we have!
I found out that a friend of mine dated a girl who said she wouldn't have sex with him period, but had turned out to be a reimagined virgin or something. Tried to say the guy was somehow special and that's why he was getting well.. less favourable treatment.
So if a girl has sex with one person, its wrong if she says no to another?!?
Maybe someone loved to travel with their ex, but now with you they never want to take you anywhere. Maybe they used to be frequently doing romantic things for their ex and even though you knew that, they don't with you and say it's because they don't want to jynx it or get move too fast.
This is how i think of it... IM NOT MY BOYFRIENDS EX! So why should he treat us the same, we are different people!!
And just to put this out there, i wouldnt want to know what he did with exs anyway, so i wouldnt ask, solves that one doesnt it! | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:29:48 AM | You know what, here I'm gonna throw this down quick. Everything we do in life carries consequences, some of you will find men that aren't gonna be demanding in these areas, some of you will find men that might be horrified by your experiences, some are going to meet men that are just having trouble following the logic "Yes I love you, that's why I won't do this for you." some of you will meet men that have already done everything there is to do and will make you uncomfortable when they make their history known to you.
I don't care if people stay, go, even up the score or come on here to call me names because I have a silly beard.
I'm gonna say 1 thing, the only thing I can't accept that people are telling me right now. "I don't want to know his sexual history." "I just won't tell him if I think it's going to hurt or aggrovate him." "It's none of his buisness." If you are seriously going to tell me that you're "not his buisness." what you call a strong relationship and what I call a strong relationship are 2 very different things. I want a woman to know everything about me and vice versa, if she stops telling me things that might potentially cause angst, that will lead to larger more immediate problems with lying.
I don't care if you constantly forget money at the casino, your clothes fall off or have a bulk buy orders of tequila being shipped to your house weekly, potentially if you think "lying or hiding the truth is easier." you might start hiding these things to.
If my girlfriend was sharing this kind of info with friends and not with me because it may cause "friction" that's a valid complaint and reason for break-up.
I think really the thing is I don't want a piece of her, I want the whole damn thing. Nothin less, but nothin creepy like chaining her up in the basement, just ask yourself if you'd like to be treated like 2nd to someone else. | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:34:45 AM |
I pose to you this question: Would it affect you in your relationship to know that your S/O shared something with their ex that you wanted to do, but for some reason refused to do it with you. Wouldn't bother me a bit. But i think if i was your age it would. It seems as we get older most people get more acceptinig of what others have done. I guess we have to because most of us at this age (40+) have done a lot more that the average 23 year old.
But as for the question... There are some things that i have done (experimentally) and some things that i have wanted to to try that i wouldn't do with someone that i cared about. Just because i have done them or considered doing them doesn't make me bad, and it doesn't mean that just because i did them before that i should do them with every person i begin a relationship with. But on the same note, i almost certainly wouldn't talk about what it was i'd done unless specifically asked... So are you asking the questions and not liking the answers or are these women just volunteering the info?? | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:58:59 AM | From what I skimmed, Eazk's response and several others adequately answer this question but here it is in a nutshell since you don't seem to have understood what he said. At any given time in life, someone has the right to be who and what they are and often, the persona that you imagine is not what they were to begin with.
A woman's decision not to sleep with a man might actually be related to having espoused different values than she had as a young girl and it is not that she imagines herself a reconstituted virgin, that is your crude adolescent portrayal of her decision not to sleep with someone because you are 23 and your life revolves around your d!ck.
Gee, maybe when the chick was having the 3-way, she was also banging 5 or 6 different guys a week so if you want the 3-way, you are going to have to, hypothetically, share your girlfriend. Would your 3-way be as palatable if it were two guys and the girl? And the bottom line is that people change and you have your shorts in a twist because you feel short-changed by their choices; so instead of respecting the significant other sharing things with you, you choose to use that intimacy against the person to get something you think you want. THAT is stupid and ignorant. Trust is a gift you apparently would piss on.
When I was pregnant with my first child, as I was driving home with the bunkbed that I had shopped for and purchased alone so that my stepson would not feel displaced by our new baby as there was not enough space for the queen and the crib, I cried because I knew my X was not the same man that bought a piano as a surprise for my stepson's mother and did other things because he was a wide-eyed twenty-year-old still wearing rose-colored glasses. Now maybe if I had caught him 10 years earlier he would have been more excited about the impending arrival and/or doing things with me even if he didn't understand why I was doing something, but he was probably never the Ward Cleaver that I, in my hormone befuddled state, imagined. So all those times I wished he was who he was before the X and the X before that was just a ridiculous exercise in the absurd; hurtful and without purpose because the only behavior you can affect is the future and that is also the only thing you can change.
You want some pill you can pop to solve this problem if you encounter it but sorry, you need to grow some wisdom and compassion before you can realize that at any given time in life, each individual has the ability and should define who they are and the only thing you can do is live with those choices. If you really feel that they are detrimental to you, you have the right to move on. Most of what you described you nor anyone else would have a right to be upset about. People change. They do different things at various periods of their lives. I am quite sure that my children are happy that I no longer drink to excess and walk home in the rain wearing a toga, so if I meet a guy that's into that or wants me to return to that phase of my life, he is SOL.
In your repost, you almost made sense that you deserved to know everything about your SO in the spirit of full disclosure because if she is hiding something from you then that is like lying but you then go on to prove exactly why you are too immature to trust with that information. You are too ignorant to treat it as a gift but instead choose to use it as a tool of manipulation and to denigrade her choices.
If a woman did something like use heroine that would currently make her feel bad about herself to do again, you would have the right to ask this of her? What if she had been a prostitute, you would have the right to ask her to do a trick because you wanted the cash to go buy some electronic toys? These two scenarios are not different than what you describe with the exception that the subject of your examples are things you want while a ho or a heroine addict I suspect you are not signing on for.
I think really the thing is I don't want a piece of her, I want the whole damn thing. Nothin less, but nothin creepy like chaining her up in the basement, just ask yourself if you'd like to be treated like 2nd to someone else.
You cannot have someone's past. When I realized that things were going to stick with my X it hurt that I had missed the first 11 years of my stepson's life but I couldn't hit some rewind button and magically be there to have those memories. I would always be a voyeur into my X's and his son's life during the time before I arrived. All we have on any particular day is a piece of the person because that man or woman is like a jigsaw puzzle with as many pieces as the days the person has been alive. For you, instead of appreciating that she chose to give it to you memories and all, you choose to dictate how she should behave because of it.
Saying you want the whole damned thing is ookie and illustrates that to you, despite the politically correct rhetoric, you see women as a possession. You can never really have anyone, you can only share what they offer. | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 4:20:19 AM | Explosive sheep-
There are some men and women who have done things in their past they really do not want to revisit for a host of reasons-sometimes it's a bad memory-guilt-shame-or they simply tried something NEW and found it wasn't all that 'others' assured them it would be.
I don't think it's selfish for a person to have done something 'different' with someone in their past they don't feel is alright to do with anyone now-regardless if they are a current lover etc. I have to ask-did you even ask the person WHY they felt the way they do now as opposed to then? Sometimes our needs-wants and desire change as we get older.
I mean when I was younger I wouldn't eat a raw tomatoe for any reason-however now, that I'm older and my taste buds have changed I will eat an occassional raw tomatoe, but no one should expect that I'm going to keep eating them because they want me to. Sex is really no different when you think about it....because there are things I've done with some people I wouldn't necessarily want to do with anyone else.
I only discuss things I enjoy doing-and that includes sex-with the man I see now. Yes, there are topics he'll bring up he might like doing-but when I say NO-that is a sufficient answer for him. Putting unnecessary pressure on your lover to 'perform' sexual acts they've done in the past to make you happy is selfish and I'd have to say immature.
I mean wouldn't it be nice to experience new and worthwhile love-making that only you and she ( or he ) can enjoy as a couple? Focus on what you BOTH enjoy and things will be far better in all areas, not just when being intimate. | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:18:24 AM | What a man does in his past with someone else is none of my business so to get jealous over it is stupid and waste of emotion Its what he does with me in the now that is important. 
Exactly.
~OP~ I think you have not only missed the point some have attempted to make, but you are seriously overly fixated on this and ignoring some really great replies in order to argue your point. If it truly has NOT happened to you personally, whats the emotional attachment??? 
No one here, and I did re-read it all, has stated that lying is appropriate, acceptable or negated. What people are saying (in short): What someone did with a former lover is no future lover's concern because what the hell difference does it make? As for the virginistical liar ~ that's just silliness. And if she was telling that story, someone found out differently ~ why did he bother even asking her about it? Move on. Get over it, she was a liar. Pretty simple. 
~OT~ What I've done with formers in my life has no bearing on what I do today/tomorrow. If "he" asks me questions about past loves, I'm likely to respond, "Why do you ask?" If there is a valid and/or vital reason for that information, I'd consider that. However, I do have to wonder what the fascination is with someone's former situations. You will only get one side of the story anyway ~ why bother? What do I stand to gain by knowing intimate details of his past? Nothing. What does someone else gain by knowing my past sexual appetites, interests, etc.? Most likely fuel for a later fire that doesn't have anything to do with today. Other than current/clean test results, mutual respect and love (for me personally) my sex life is absolutely none of anyone's business unless I choose to share it. JMO  | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:27:37 AM | Everybody has deal breakers. You have deal breakers. If a woman won't date you because she didn't approve of your past behavior.... then, that is a deal breaker. Your past behavior is the deal breaker. Now, what are some of YOUR deal breakers.? I'm sure you have some limits, boundaries, and standards. I'm sure there is something that a woman could do that would "totally turn you off". There is something that would lead you to disrespect a woman, leading you to a lack of trust, communication, and eventually a break-up.
Your lady is trying to tell you what her "deal breakers" are. Listen carefully and respect them. | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:25:03 PM | I don't like or dislike the responses, they are what they are and are informative if not a little bit... feminine? I'm gonna try and explain that hang on. I'm actually just kind of bored and get carried away when I type, the only thing that bothered me is the "just hide your past and it's ok." stuff.
I think this is why I tried to give non-sexual examples, it's one of those great facts of life that men attach love with the physical more than women do and women attach the emotional to it more than men do, while there's a lot of overlap it's been explained to me multiple times that it would be really damaging to you're ego if he could share things with another woman and relate to a woman more so than he could relate to you.
I mean, people want to move forward and not backwards, sure we can ignore backwards and just look at it as "Different" but then we just stand still really. would you care that he had a seemingly deeper emotional connection to his ex girlfriend than to you? Or would that just be his prerogative to want to move his life in a different direction and maybe not engage in the same kind of relationship.
It's just a precedent that's been set and isn't being stuck to that concerns me. No I won't force anyone to do anything they don't want to, but I'll feel put off and leave is all.
Like I said before, the past may not come back but it's what makes us who we are, I can't take back anything I said, I can't take back anything I've done and lying about or hiding it just makes me deceitful, that's not really quality stuff. | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 5:08:49 PM | | Here's some info for ya...I don't think anyone wants to hide their past unless they are ashamed of it...we have ALL done things that we are ashamed of at some point or another, I personally feel that if someone has proven that I can trust them with my emotional well-being and someone that wont use that information against me, then full-disclosure is fine...THAT DOESN"T MEAN OP....that I will tell you exactly how this man made me get off...or exactly how I did this with this boyfriend, whether that be sexually or anything else...it just means that, I will tell you what I think you need to know not what YOU think you need to know. Put the shoe on the other foot, what if you used to do something with someone you really felt comfortable with, but with this new girl you really don't feel that way yet and don't know if you ever will...would you want her nagging at you to do this and that...oh but you did it with your ex wah wah wah...annoying. Get over yourself OP, I think that is the best advise you can get...Deal with the fact that maybe the girls in question just dont trust you b/c you make them feel like idiots for trusting you in the first place when they tell you something and then you go and shove it in their face and talk nonsense about precedents and so on...this isn't the court room son, and just because someone did something once doesn't mean they have to do it again because you want them too (speaking in a very sarcastic baby voice)...So you will leave a perfectly nice girl who has a lot to offer because she wont do this and that...good luck being single I feel that you will be that way for a long time with this attitude...you have a chip on your shoulder hun...Get a hold of some books about dealing with the opposite sex instead of listening to your buddies. And to give you some lasting insight...I loved my ex with all my heart for the good and the bad, for his past and his present...I might not of liked everything he had done, but I accepted him as he came...I have never loved anyone as much as him and I had a b/f that got jealous because of that...why be jealous of a ghost...I didn't love the other b/f less just different...Grow up..sorry to be blunt but thats the way I roll | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:32:46 PM | What are you 30? You talk like you're my grandma...
I don't really care if you wanna pretty up half truths or avoid the truth all together, or tell me that you know better than the person you're with what they need to know, or if you tell me that I'm having issues with women because this has never come up with a woman I've been dating, I don't care if you wanna be condescending or if you have emotional problems stemming from your regretable loss, how you roll doesn't bother me, I'm not really worried about whether or not I'm single.
I just need to ask you one thing, do you honestly believe that you're in a healthy relationship with a man you tell "you don't love as much as your ex" ? I don't care what the reason is, I don't care if they're a POW, dead, a vegetable, in mexico, in prison or swapped genders the fact is that that's hella disrespectful to a person. If you expected anyone in their right mind to be accepting of being told they're "2nd best" you're going to be single or divorced as much as I apparently am in your mind. You told him that you'd never loved anyone as much, if you didn't love him more, and you didn't love him as much, that can only mean less. So actually you did tell him you loved him less. Someone wil say that to you 1 day and you're gonna cringe.
I've never been drunk, never done drugs, I haven't picked up 1 night stands at clubs, I haven't done a whole lot of crazy things I might have regrets about. I can't put myself in a situation where I do something regularly and completely changes with the next girlriend. I'm a very steady individual. | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:45:34 PM | | You are not really hearing me or others...I am merely making a valid point that if you are jealous of what someone has done with someone from their past, or if they loved someone more or less than you, then that is your own insecurities that you should deal with and not put those on anyone else...I didn't tell anyone I loved so and so more that them, just differently, if they wanted to press the issue, which did happen in my case, I simply told them that I did love someone very much for a long period of time, eight years in fact, and that yes right now, seeing as you and I have only dated for seven months, I had a stronger love for him, but that doesn't mean that I couldn't love you, just that it is different because he was a different person...I try to say things to s/o's with tact to not hurt them but some people you just can't please no matter what you say or what you do...if they are insecure you could tell them over and over again that they are the most important man right now, but if they don't believe they are worth it themselves it doesn't matter how much you stress that point...I am sure with have all been with someone who is insecure and it drains you to have to keep boosting up their self-esteem. I am not coming down on you, but merely trying to make you see the other side, which is what you wanted considering you posted a topic like this...but if you dont want to take a second and digest what others and myself are saying then you will just keep not hearing... | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:52:27 PM | I'm merely making a valid point that insecurities have nothing to do with it. How can you have a stronger love for 1 person and love another person as much? How can you never have loved anyone as much and loved someone as much? It's logically impossible. What's coming through is that you can compare 1 to the other, live in the past but I can't do the same.
I'm not entirely sure you're seeing my point of view either, between saying I'm living outside reality and calling my insecure and destined to be single forever... Maybe that was meant in a good way? I dunno.
From what I know of you, you cut people down when you perceive an insecurity, if I was really insecure about who I was I wouldn't put myself out there, especially not on these forums with crap like this because there's always someone to rage. You need to understand something, it doesn't matter how much tact you use, you're still saying it. Nobody's asking you to date men like me, I don't suggest you do even. All I'm saying is that you can't tell me I'm being unreasonable and not understand that you're giving men something to be insecure about then blaming them for it.
I think really when it gets down to it. Following a similar reasoning to some of these, nobody should ever have to accept someone's past, they can if they choose to but there is no reason for my to accept something I'm not comfortable with just because you think it's somehow in my best interest to forget things you did in your past. Whether I can have the past or not, I want it, it still makes you who you are. | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:05:29 PM | You know what, this fragile ego, a man can't get over what you did with someone else in your past, some guys won't want you....this is all sounding really insecure and needy and I'm guessing the answer is for those who are that insecure they shouldn't date anyone who's done things they can't handle. Simple really. I mean if a man has had children with is ex, but won't have them with me because he doesn't want anymore, should I fall apart and not be able to be with him because he did it with HER!!!! What about the men who can't tell you they love you because they said to someone before you and they got hurt so they aren't ever going to do it again, or their marriage didn't work so they aren't going to marry you because of her....I mean it's all pretty silly. Find compatible partners and move on when they aren't, don't get all wimpy if you aren't the recipient of their every past moves, just don't date someone whose past bothers you. Why do people get so caught up in demanding things or beating dead horses, just move on when it's not right for you. No harm, no foul.  | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:13:14 PM | I actually did ask specifically about if a man wouldn't tell you he loved you or would connect to you on any kind of emotional level. Plus I said that I would just move on personally.
It's not just men's ego's that are fragile, you should be able to discuss your fantasies along with your personal problems and secrets with your significant other, if someone tells you "Oh I tried that it sucks I'm not going to do it again with you." It's not a fun thing to hear. | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:15:40 PM | No that is not what I am saying...again read, digest and understand...I am saying that I love people or do things with people for different reasons...One guy might bring out the adventurous side of me, show me things that I have never had the opportunity to do before, make me feel safe, be understanding and sympathetic to my needs and in turn I can do the same for him. I have had it reversed where a person I dated did things with others that he did not do with me or loved someone more or less deeply before, I did not take that as a cut to the heart, it just means that I am not his ex and he is not mine.
I am not cutting you down or saying that YOU personally are insecure cause I don't know you in person...you might be the nicest, sweetest dude out there or you might be a scumbag either way, I feel that if you are jealous over what one does from one person to the next or take it as a slight to yourself then you are being insecure. We all have been insecure, its not a bad thing, just a grow up and mature thing...not everyone is going to want to do everything with you and you know why?, cause they just dont want to. And I dont live in the past or the future just the present...I try my hardest not to compare people. Standards are one thing though...If my last b/f treated me a certain way that I didn't like, and then I met someone else and they exhibited the same traits or behaviors, I don't call that comparing, I call that knowing what I do and don't want in a relationship...
I see some points, saying stuff that isn't true is wrong but some people don't know how to be honest, direct, and upfront, or they do and they just dont care...I don't give anybody any insecurity...
if someone is insecure it comes from within, yes people can bring that out in you, but I have never done anything to make a s/o feel that he was less of a man b/c I was with someone and loved someone before and I certainly don't blame them. I try to reassure someone that I am here with them and that I care for them...period, if after that statement they still get ridiculous over it, then they have emotional issues that they haven't dealt with from their past...My ex that died was a habitual partier it ended our relationship and sadly took his life, I personally do not want to date anyone that does any drugs...if I met someone and they told me that they did, even once and a while, I would not go near them, if they took that as well you were with someone before who did it so why not me...it is because I made a conscious choice that being with someone who does that is not for me. We all the the choice to deal with what we want and what we don't...In a perfect world people wouldn't lie, people wouldn't worry about what one did with this person or that and we would just accept the person as they are and make up our minds if we want to continue knowing said person | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:28:16 PM | It's not just men's ego's that are fragile, you should be able to discuss your fantasies along with your personal problems and secrets with your significant other, if someone tells you "Oh I tried that it sucks I'm not going to do it again with you." It's not a fun thing to hear.
Okay, what if the person is not yet comfortable with you yet to tell all their fantasies, and secrets...for some it takes a long time to be able to divulge that type of information...the reason why is because perhaps she has done that before and the person she told, told everyone else or they used it against her, making her once bitten twice shy. So if a girl says inc conversation with you that she tried it, didn't like it, would not like to do it again, then hold her and tell her that you are so sorry that someone wasn't gentle or didn't give you the time you need to be able to be comfortable, instead of turning it around to be a poor me thing. I had a bad experience once with something of a sexual nature and I couldn't let go with anyone and I told b/f's that I just didn't feel comfortable doing that...but ya know what? The man that took the time to understand me, not hold it against me, or take it as a punch to the gut, make me feel safe, guess what I was willing to open myself up to the possiblity of doing that with him and eventually did, because he cared for me and was patient! | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:28:29 PM |
if someone tells you "Oh I tried that it sucks I'm not going to do it again with you." It's not a fun thing to hear.
Maybe but that is life. It is equaly not fun to hear someone whine when I make a choose not to do something. I have heard this from 16-20 year old guys I dated, it is not encouraging that you have not grown out this. | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:41:01 PM | Ladies
What if a guy's past included cheating on every girl he had ever been with?
Now all of sudden the rules change don't they? Now all of a sudden what a person did in the past matters, doesn't it?
I say, if you can't handle the answers, don't ask the questions. Sometimes there are things about someone's past that people really want to know. That might include their sexual history. I never ask woman about her sexual history, because I don't think it's wise to open up that can of worms. If she asks me about mine, I try not to go there. I feel that lot of women will prey upon my open attitude and my honesty and they will dig for details. My experience has been, that women rarely tell the whole truth when I get into this type of a conversation. All this does is get my mind working. I start thinking and figuring out all the holes in her stories. Then I start to dig for more information and I usually find there is much more information that they left out. Then I get mad, not because of the details, but because women often expect absolute honesty, but often fail to deliver the same in return. They are afraid of how I might view them if they told the whole truth, so they feel it's OK to toss out a few minor details and omit the parts that might make them look bad. So, then I ask "Well why in the hell did you bring it up in the first place?" "Don't ask a queston that you aren't willing to answer yourself" I'm not saying that all women are guilty of this, but it's happened a lot. It seems like a common practice among women. They ask many types of questions. They expect total honesty and offer only half truths in return when I ask them the same questions. It's a big annoying game, that I would rather not play at all. | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:56:45 PM | | skyman...it is not something only women do it is something humans do. It is unfortunate but true...A lot of people might find this hard to believe but if someone asks me a question, I will answer very matter of factly, very honestly, and without a pity party...I was completely honest in my last relationship...and I mean completely, I told him exactly who I was, what I had to offer, my situation with my kids and their deceased dad, that yes I had gone through counseling, and that I came from a not so good family...I don't see anything that I have done in my past that would make me look like a bad person now because I have forgiven myself, for my indiscretions and I have understood that bad decisions happen, we are not perfect and if someone wants to let me go because they find out something that they can't deal with then so be it...it is not my loss or theirs, simply their choice. I don't expect much from people I just met, but I do expect that if I am honest with you then please be honest with me...You can tell when someone is lying unless you are completely oblivious and if you choose to stay with a liar, then you have choosen that route...you cant then go and get mad at them, because you have decided that you are not worth being with someone who tells it like it is. And no I wouldn't be with a guy if he said that he cheated with every single girlfriend cause I would always be worried, but if I said that I had made a mistake and was unfatihful to a man before, didn't make excuses, repented to said man and all was forgiven, there is where the difference lies...to those that are accountable to their actions and what their actions do to others and to those that learn from their mistakes...I will hold those people in the highest regard | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:29:42 PM | OP
As we go through life we gain experiences and grow as human beings if we are wise.
Each relationship is unique based upon the two individuals involved and since both of them are in constant flux it seems natural that we would not all do things that we had done before.
Common examples are people that have given up alcohol, smoking, gambling, eating meat or promiscuous behavior.
It may also be that the person does not share the same level of trust and intimacy with you that they had with a previous signficant other and you may not be that long term person for them.
Cheers | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/5/2008 11:39:59 PM | Well, I'm still probably going to take a look sideways at someone who says "Yeah but I don't do that anymore." If you made mistakes that's fine, but the consequences are that some people just ain't gonna be interested after. *note I'm not actually defining these mistakes, so if someone comes back with "You're saying if I forgot to put money in a pay parking metere you think I'm undateable?" cause it's different for every person.
Plus I was more speaking to someone that did stuff for 1 person reasonably frequently and refuse another. I don't care what it is, it doesn't have to be sexual. Tell you what, say he always used to vacation with his ex girlfriend but now he only goes by himself. He has the money to go, he just doesn't want you there.
I'm sorry but I have a tough time believing that women don't get jealous, from personal experience women are far from above jealousy, not to say that men are mind you. | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:18:01 AM | Again, even if you do not believe a person can change, preference can.
My example is that at home in South Africa, I am very social and out almost every night at time. Here in America, for many reason, I am much more often at home. I have friends I love, but this is my preference for reasons not of them. When I live in dorm this fall, things may change again. People likes and dislike change, many time quickley, and the reason does not have to be because of you.
Look at yourself and I am sure you will see that you do not have the same preference in everything as you did 5 year ago. Some things stay the same and some change. | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/7/2008 6:32:57 AM | We learn a lot of things from our exes and past relationships. I have done nutty sexual things in my past (a few threesomes) that I would NEVER do again, ever. I love my fiancee to death, but I know that threesomes lead to nothing good and I am no longer nineteen years old. My fiance, I know, thinks the idea of threesomes are hot, but I doubt he'd ever ask me to have one, and if he did, I would say no. I said yes to a past boyfriend, but I regretted it. Just because a woman has done something once (or repeatedly with the same person) does not mean that there's a problem if she chooses not to do it later on.
Every relationship is different, and every combination of people is different. Me and my ex-husband used to have wild sex. We would tell each other lurid fantasies, spank each other, and play with lots of sex toys. Sometimes, we did have threesomes. We were crazy.
Me and my fiance now have "boring" sex, in comparison. Always missionary. Quick. No fantasies, no toys, no spanking, no threesomes. A little bit of oral. That's it. Guess what? That's what I like. I am not the kinky type; my ex-husband was, and I bent to his will. Now, I feel more equal in my relationship and so we have the kind of sex I like to have--nice, normal, "boring". So it might seem that my kinky ex got more from me, but he got less enjoyment from me in the long run. | |
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| They did it with the ex, so why not with you? Srsly Srs
Posted: 7/7/2008 11:28:12 AM | | I've had personal experience with this and while people do have the right to make changes in their life, it can still be somewhat disappointing to the new S/O. What might also affect a persons outlook on the subject was how long the S/O was doing in the past whatever activity you would hope they would do with you. Did they try it once 20 yrs ago and not want to repeat it, or have they been doing it all their life and quit once someone new comes along. I guess it all boils down to priorities and acceptance of change. If what you want is important enough to be an issue, time to move on...... | |
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