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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/18/2008 8:43:39 PM |
And just because most women don't initiate and get rejected, doesn't mean they don't know what rejection is
But, if you haven't done that specific aspect of the dating ritual "initiate and get rejected", then you don't know. Emphasis on "initiate."
Nascar is an example. Mechanics have their jobs, and drivers theirs. They offer their insights, but neither knows the others job unless they've been the other.
In addition, the chance anyone takes with initial contact will ALWAYS hit or miss the mark dependant on if the other is interested. DUH!!! That's been common knowledge from the beginning of time.
Also, "initial" contact does not equate to "pursue." Twist it all you like, but an initial contact is no more than saying "Hi" in the grocery line.
What I fail to see, is how YOU took what I felt was a very positive post (my post), encouraging someone to NOT give up on a harmless effort to meet someone new and turn it into an issue of equality, masculinity and negative posturing!
Just because a woman says "Hi" to me, make no mistake about it, I still KNOW I am a man and that she is a woman! "Hi" doesn't change that AT ALL!!!!!
Jeez! | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/18/2008 8:53:17 PM |
What I fail to see, is how YOU took what I felt was a very positive post (my post), encouraging someone to NOT give up on a harmless effort to meet someone new and turn it into an issue of equality, masculinity and negative posturing!
I am entitled to my opinion, as you are. I was explaining why "I" personally have a problem with it...it just often feels unnatural. Doesn't mean I haven't done it...I have. And I have been rejected, many times. My point was...it hasn't worked for me..for the reasons I stated.
I wasn't aware that I had to agree with you to post... | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/18/2008 9:08:21 PM | You don't need to agree. I am quite comfortable with people disagreeing with me.
But, don't you think it would have been more concise to simply say:
My point was...it hasn't worked for me..for the reasons I stated.
And, I was simply stating why I think that a woman contacting a man by no means has any definitive effect on reversing gender roles in the dance of romance.
As you, niether did I feel I had to agree with you.
OK? | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/18/2008 9:14:33 PM | I do have one questions....
If you saw a profile and everything fit...the person's appearance..the way they described themselves what they were looking for etc...it was like screaming they were who you were looking for....would you men not message them?
My point is people make alot of contacts...but that means you are exposing yourself to more people who MIGHT do..but in dealing with them you are also spending less time looking for someone who might be closer to what you want. Then the whole grass is greener thing kicks in. Wouldnt it be better if you only wrote to someone you thought would really really work out vs as some people have stated they sent out a ton of cut and paste emails and got few responses. | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/18/2008 9:19:06 PM |
But, don't you think it would have been more concise to simply say:
It would have..but, you forget..I am female, and I am Zangie..I rarely am that concise, and almost always long winded...lol..sorry...
And, I was simply stating why I think that a woman contacting a man by no means has any definitive effect on reversing gender roles in the dance of romance.
And I was saying that I think it might, based on my biological responses..not my brain..my inner gut feeling...which is almost always right...
Just my feeling...which I know isn't that valued from a more logical, concise male point of view..and I guess that's my big point...I can't think like a man...and I don't want to... | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/18/2008 9:51:47 PM |
Just my feeling...which I know isn't that valued from a more logical, concise male point of view..and I guess that's my big point...I can't think like a man...and I don't want to...
You don't have to think like a man, but consider the original question "Do men like it when women contact them first?" and heed the overwhelming responses from men on this thread that say: YES, we do "like" it!
If it works, or doesn't, for women, could be another thread. The experiences of women that have tried, with failed results....could be another thread. The reasons why, or why not, to initiate contact could be another thread, but basically what I am seeing is: YES, we do like it!
MY POINT is: I support a woman contacting a man she feels she's interested in. Even if he is not reciprocal, she'll get a glimpse into the (worthy) man's role in the "over 45" romance world that could benefit a woman in her dating life. In addition, I don't think a woman should fear that "initial" contact would be misconstrude (by men) as a reversal of who chases who (pursuit). We (men) are well aware of whom has which parts, how they fit, and who leads when dancing!
Dayum! It's just "Hello." | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/18/2008 10:20:13 PM |
You don't have to think like a man, but consider the original question "Do men like it when women contact them first?" and heed the overwhelming responses from men on this thread that say: YES, we do "like" it!
Most of the men who don't like it aren't posting for obvious reasons... I know several and have been insulted by a few...
If men are saying they like it, women are allowed to say why it is hard for them, or why they don't, it is a dialog isn't it , Levi? Or are only" men", and people who agree allowed to post..I believe there is a rule that says you can't post a thread selective to only one audience? And I am not the only woman who has expressed concerns with it?
You can support it, I am not..not supporting it, just having a dialog...I'm sure my opinion won't sway anyones personal opinions...
I am really trying to be nice here, but, basically you are telling me what I am allowed to post and what I am not...
And since I have actually done it, I am also allowed to comment on that aren't I?
I'm beginning to remember why I stopped posting for a while.... | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/18/2008 10:29:20 PM |
I know I am simply text on a screen, but GOOD JOB GIRL. DAMN SURE PROUD OF YOU!!
...Why thank you....Its not the easiest thing to do, it goes against my nature....besides that stinging slap of rejection hurts like he11
IMHO, you have made a tremedously positive investment in your future dating life!
I have....I'm glad someone feels that way....I mean cripes, I've been here "how long" and yet I am no closer to meeting someone than the day I joined. I've been actually thinking of retiring the old fishing rod. haha
We can say times have changed all we want, and take about the equality thing ( which you know I don't believe means socially at all), but, there is some biology involved. Even though I have tried to be more "modern", and progressive, there is a part of me that still sometimes makes me feel that it is unnatural for me to pursue. And being one who isn't in favor of women becoming just like men, I just wonder. I , personally, don't want masculine and feminine lines to be blurred..there are trials for both men and women in the dating game, just different ones. I don't think it is possible to make it painless for us all. And I guess a part of me, is still reluctant to take on male traits or behaviors in the name of "equality", or anything else.
...Wow, your right on girl. I couldn't have said it better myself....and I feel as you do, it does feel very unnatural to me to pursue.
...maeflowers | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/19/2008 7:39:44 AM | Maeflowers, I am shocked when you say you don't get a lot of e-mails. Even as a hetero woman, I think you are adorable and fun. And the cute cat is a just a bonus! What is wrong with men in Canada?!
Don't hang up your pole yet. Just because the first cast ended up empty, doesn't mean there isn't a big bad bass boy lurking in the shade. | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 511 | |
| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/19/2008 8:46:22 AM | Hi, Maeflowers (and everyone else on this thread! I'm also really glad it's going strong.)
I could not resist chiming in again on these thoughts regarding first contact. I'm very glad to read all the men's responses, first of all. As noted before, I do feel sorry for a lot of guys; the burden has been on them for so long to initiate something, so no wonder many of them feel a bit burned out. Like others, I have learned so much about men's thoughts and feelings in these POF discussions! Thanks.
Anyone who has been following my recent "pity party" postings will know that I haven't been feeling too great emotionally for the past few days. There is a reason. I'm in a slump right now; in real life, the only men who are expressing any interest in me are married or otherwise attached. Then, any first contacts I was sending out resulted in no responses. As a result, I was feeling incredibly down and discouraged. Hence, my feeling-sorry-for-myself postings.
Last night, I had a very nice uplifting E-mail from tw07755, who started the "what do we want" thread. I needed it, and thanks again, tw07755! It really helped.
So, now, I gotta get back on that proverbial horse! Maeflowers, I hear you and "feel your pain." Renaissance Man, I think you are on to something; there are many of us who have geographic difficulties. I can get the nicest E-mails from guys on POF who live far away. Closer to me, it's a different situation. Interesting.
As difficult as it may be, I need to take my own advice and get out there -- smile, make eye contact, be approachable and friendly, etc.
Only one thing, though: I firmly believe that married men and women should be branded with a big M on their foreheads!   (I am halfway facetious and halfway serious...) | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/19/2008 9:34:09 AM | As a fly fisherman, I understand there is art in each cast, gratifying, but I would trade a bite for it every time. Small consolation to know that you were the prettiest one out there if you go home empty-handed.
I try to personalize each "cast", use everything, usually very little, that a woman shows in her profile, and time polishing my own profile apple, but there are too many other male poles on this bank. Seems to me your chances of success would be far better than any man's. Keep throwin's that bait out there, Darlin', you'll definitely get some hits. | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/19/2008 2:44:52 PM | You folks are priceless! I'm sure that not only am I gaining a lot of insight on this subject, but I think we all are! People are being so open and speaking their honest feelings so eloquently. Never thought this thread would turn out to be the learning experience that it has. If it has made just one women decide to contact a man first, it's been worth it. It has certainly made me understand why some men are reluctant to do so!
If it has made just one man gain more understanding of women who are reluctant to do so, it's been worth it. If it has brought Venus and Mars any closer together, well you know what I'm saying.    | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/19/2008 3:26:59 PM | | Was in Barcelona, years ago, and as I passed a dark-haired girl standing at the bar, she reached out and felt my ass. It was playful, engaging, completely unexpected, and I liked it. Alot. On a primal level, a woman emanates signals, and the men gather around. Those natural signals are blocked at the monitor, so to restore the natural order, no less, I'd be delighted if a woman verbalized her "message", directed to me, not the trite platitudes and pulp that appear in every posted profile. | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/19/2008 3:58:38 PM |
she reached out and felt my ass
Time to craft an email / post to site admins asking for the much needed virtual grope feature.  10 free roses to the person who provides the most appropriate button icon for the new feature.  | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/19/2008 4:38:30 PM |
Mae, I have no real feel for Alberta. I have a pretty good sense of Ontario, and have dated a couple of women from there over the years, but my "feel" about Alberta is that the population is rather sparse? That's the only explanation that I can make about your "no date" thing.
I'm in your general demo, and the only "red flag" on your profile, really, is the "strong woman" one, and you haven't phrased that overly aggressively. I would suggest too, that you answer the question about first date, rather than that whole "chick" thing way you answered it, but it's not a big red flag.
If you were in my area, I'd be "interested" enough to talk about it. So, as I said, my guess is that it's the relative lack of population there, which means it may take awhile, not because of anything lacking in you, but because of the size of the pool.
...I'm not sure what the population is for Alberta but I can tell you that the city I live in (Calgary) is anything but sparsley populated, I'm pretty sure its over a million ....the economy here has skyrocketted over the years and people are coming in by droves....which makes my delimma even worse haha
As to the "red flags" I'm sure my profile is full of them. .and I am a strong woman in many respects, but like I stated, I have a soft side too which can be "moulded" I'm sure by the right guy. I've tried to be very honest and upfront in my profile and anything anyone wants to know...just ask. What you see is what you get.
...maeflowers | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/19/2008 6:17:47 PM | | IMHO men are very very likely to reply to a message recieved from a woman...and in no way would I ever percieve her doing that means she is desperate or needy ...does show me that she possibly does have a serious interest in finding the right man for her be it just for dating or long term or what....and as someone mentioned several posts ago...if a gal lists a guy as a favorite it is a HUGE clue to us sometimes clueless men that perhaps she could be interested in you......as a matter of fact the only conversations and chatting which hopefully will lead up to a meeting have been from gals that contacted me if for no reason to say ...I enjoyed reading your profile ....I try and do that my self at least three times a week...find a interesting profile and send a message stating that.....if she is interested fine...if they get read and deleteted fine also...at least that is only three rejections a week....I also have set aside a seperate list of those that I have mailed so as to be sure and never bother them twice....I also make it a habit to at least respond to all messages recieved.....only takes a few seconds to say thanks but no thanks and good luck.....but hey that is just me.... | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/19/2008 10:44:32 PM | Ok, I am sorry, but that's some funny stuff... now you can begin to understand what it feels like to be a guy and have the onus upon you to be the initiator for things.. Women aren't always up front about being interested, I have met quite a few who wonder why you don't keep coming back after they turn down your first (and last) invitation to do something..
Why didn't you ask again, I was busy that night?
Are you kidding? I ask once, and if she simply says, oh I am busy that night, I don't ask again. To me, if she was truly interested, and/or past playing silly games, she would instead say something like: "I am busy that evening, but I would like to do something with you another time". Anything other than that usually means, well I don't know how to just say no, so I will just say I am busy...
You are simply learning what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a non-response response..
And no, I am not womangry.. just amused.... | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/20/2008 1:29:40 AM | AWWWWW.......mae.....
There is progress in the world!
He didn't respond? So what, his loss!!
However, you did learn something.
Depending upon how many 1st contacts a guy sends out, you got to feel a small percentage of his rejection.
You now have a slight understanding of just how taxing it is on our mental and emotional well-being.
Yes, we are men! Yes we can be thick-skinned and are expected to. But, we are still human and are, therefore, not bullet-proof. And, women know just how to hurt us the most! | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/20/2008 2:12:39 AM | Dang it is almost starting to look like a set up here...Mae wrote to someone and now all the guys are doing the ....now you know what it feels like to be rejected...well she isnt the person who rejected you so no she doesnt know how your rejection feels...she knows how it feels to have written to someone and gotten no response....she didnt say if the person was someone she thought was a perfect match or just someone she was slightly interested in...
I think women get as much rejection as men just in different ways...some man writes to us and we DO respond and things are going along great and then they just disappear and we ask why and get "They just werent that into you"...well they are who wrote us first etc...that hurts aheck of a lot more than writing to someone who might like you but it is a bad time for them at that moment so they put off writing a response and more things happen and then it is forgotten. Now I dont think me experiencing "rejection" will enhance my dating experience at all so maybe making the first contact isnt my cup of tea after all.
I still say if a man sees a girl that he thinks is totally 100 percent the right woman for him...he will write! | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/20/2008 2:17:50 AM | Here's an interesting analogy......works with the site theme too.
If you are a fisherman/woman, what kind of fish do you want? I don't mean species, but qualities!
Do you want a fish that races along the outskirts of the pond, without regard for the other fish........leaving the rest in it's wake?
Do you want a fish that is active within the pond, gets along with the other fish but isn't afraid to venture out into the deep end of the pond?
Do you want a fish that consistently stays in the deep end of the pond and as close to the bottom as possible?
Do you want a fish that floats on the surface of the pond, motionless?
Do you want a lame fish that flops on your doorstep?
Your individual level of proactivity in your love life will determine what kind of fish you are able to catch. | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/20/2008 6:06:25 AM | In point of fact, we're all being proactive in searching for dates/love/relationships just by being here. We've all taken the first step.
Being proactive can mean doing it your way. Whatever is best for you. Whatever works for you. Whatever you're comfortable with. What's right for one, may not be for another.
As I've said before, we are all at an age where we should know by now what that path should be. We know ourselves. This thread is not meant to convert anyone to change, but if it does allow someone to step out of their comfort zone, I see that as a good thing.
I've never had a problem catching the good fishies. Caught some that were not so good, too. But in any case, never straying from my own beliefs, comfort zone, or whatever. I don't think it's necessary to change. Just be you. If that's not good enough, then maybe it was just not meant to be.JMHO | |
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| Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/20/2008 7:14:59 AM | MsMochaSweet: I am not disagreeing with you a bit.
All I'm pointing out, is that if all you get, is the lame fish that flops on your doorstep and you're tired of that kind of catch, then maybe you should DO something about it!
I just notice a whole lot of unrealistic expectations on this site. Someone expecting the 100% perfect person from them to just fall in their lap, without any effort involved.
If you choose not to actively search for your perfect mate, that's fine. But, don't go complaining about what finds itself at your doorstep. Some fish actually require being caught! And I think that plenty of folks have either forgotten have to operate a fishing pole, or never knew how in the first place. | |
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