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 Childlike Wonder
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 526
Do men like it when women contact them first?Page 22 of 27    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27)

And no, I am not womangry.. just amused....


Womangry! I love that!! I agree about the non response response. I've sent out a few notes that have been responded to, but the writer isn't clear about whether they want further contact.
 ~Sunrise_Walker~
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 527
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/20/2008 10:16:13 AM
One very profound catch phrase I've learned from this thread that I will use next time I get into a situation that requires a very profound, well thought out comeback, and if it even remotely fits, will be "pissing in your wheaties". I love it! Never heard it before this thread.

Also I've come to a very profound realization. I don't want to think of men as "fishies". The very thought of one flopping on my doorstep is not very pretty!

Men are, as a whole, a "thing of beauty"! Nothing like a flopping fish. My apologies to men who don't want to be thought of as beautiful.
 Ahoytheredave
Joined: 8/29/2006
Msg: 528
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Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/20/2008 11:24:08 AM

I still say if a man sees a girl that he thinks is totally 100 percent the right woman for him...he will write!

And that makes the rejection, whether it has a response or not, all the more discouraging. Profiles do not have body language or phermones. The smiles are always nothing more than two dimensional arrays of pixels. Just how are we supposed to know some girl is "100% right"?
Women are generally more selective than men and those they do not have an interest in, they prefer be and stay invisible. Men are less likely to be "offended" by a contact from a women he is not interested in but still, there is no body language or phermones. Many have learned that to make contact, you must lie about age and weight to men and height and wealth to women. The old saying, its better to ask for forgiveness than ask for permission." is very true. I don't wish to compete with the liars, whose motives are different from mine, by investing time and emotion in first contacts when statistics are against getting a positive response. Even if I get a response, the chances are high that the profile I was responding to is inaccurate.
 zeeba
Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 529
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/20/2008 11:29:05 AM

Even if I get a response, the chances are high that the profile I was responding to is inaccurate.


I am sorry that you have had these experiences; I hate to think that some women would be "fudging" about anything.

Although I haven't found my fish yet, I must say that I haven't (yet) had any bad experiences on POF with men lying about information in their profiles. What I encounter much more in real life are situations in which a man is married or otherwise involved, but hoping to make contact anyway. Now, THAT is inaccuracy to say the very least.
 Childlike Wonder
Joined: 10/21/2007
Msg: 530
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/20/2008 12:45:30 PM
Mocha, I've used pissing in my cornflakes many times, but never heard Wheaties before. Wonder if it's a regional thing? I've been a West Coaster my whole life.
 TheDirtyBen
Joined: 8/4/2008
Msg: 531
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/20/2008 12:58:02 PM
OMG!!!!!!!!

Now Rman is gunning for me???

That's too funny!

So, it's dysfunctional to mention that someone can now empathize with the plight of others?

Get off of your pedestal and quit projecting because you haven't a clue what you are talking about! And, clearly, neither did you understand what I was talking about!

From what I've seen in the forums, mae is a very sweet and bright woman. I'm sure that she's a great person to be around.

If I've been talking about that first step, as you come out the door, because I tripped over it and fell? Then she does the same thing? I'm not going to stand over her and laugh! I'm gonna offer my hand to help her back up. But, I'm also gonna mention that now she knows how I felt when I fell.
It has nothing to do with whether or not it's deserved. I'm sure that she didn't deserve it. What it's about, is that we know how she felt to not get a response, and know she knows how we feel to not get a response.
It REALLY is, just that simple !!!!!

So, Rman....................open your own curtains, to let some light in...............and worry about your own emotional disorders and shortcomings before you, so poorly, attempt to psychoanalyze and judge others!


ahoytheredave: I totally agree with what you're saying!
 mr_j_46
Joined: 1/27/2008
Msg: 532
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/20/2008 3:31:12 PM
well first, Hi all nice to meet you. I have no problem making first contact with a woman. I think what turns out to be depressing is the no response back. I think that it would be polite to at least respond back to an intial contact. I am sure that we are all ok with knowing at least where we stand. It can be something as simple as " sorry not interested. As far a phoney people come on folks this is the net right? Sorry to say that men and women can be decieving when it comes to the net no gender barriers when it comes to that. Now have I passed by some really interesting women? Yes I have to be honest. Reason is no responce history maybe my choices are bad. But either way it really isn't a problem I go and have my fun anyway. Would I accept an initial contact from a woman? Heck yes I would. In fact I try to respond to anyone that writes. I just moved from Wisconsin to Kansas so I will take any conversation I can get lol.
 TheDirtyBen
Joined: 8/4/2008
Msg: 533
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/20/2008 4:03:33 PM
Rman: Of course they're talking about me!!! Whom else would they be talking about?



And, after reviewing post 565.........I REALLY need to quit typing while I drive!
 spicynicegirl
Joined: 8/10/2008
Msg: 534
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/21/2008 2:07:56 AM
Interestingly men say they like women to contact them first yet when I did I got such a cold response from most. One guy was very sweet and we chatted but he lived too far and another one kept making excuses to get back to me and never did...............hey am I crying??? Moving on now...........
 Rider50
Joined: 4/27/2007
Msg: 535
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/21/2008 4:45:15 PM
I must be sitting dead in the water,, most women don't want to contact the men first which is OK,, but when I try to contact a woman I seldom get a response,, I have gotten to the point where I just give up,, why bother,, just read the forums and have a good laugh.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 536
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/21/2008 5:43:52 PM

Mocha, I've used pissing in my cornflakes many times, but never heard Wheaties before. Wonder if it's a regional thing? I've been a West Coaster my whole life.


Never heard of cornflakes...but the word flake would have been more appropriate at the time >< !!!!!!!!!!!Wheaties sounds better when you say it outloud.

On topic:

I think you have to know who you are and what you are comfortable with. I have found when I pursue a man I get uncomfortable and even if i like him...I wont allow things to develop at what would be a natural rate. In other words he will have to work harder to prove to me he is really interested....So at this point I prefer if a man likes me for him to do the contacting. I understand the rejection rate etc, I am not looking for an old fashion guy either. In all honesty Im not worried I have the rest of my life to find the person I want.
 *mae* flowers
Joined: 1/15/2006
Msg: 537
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Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/21/2008 6:26:40 PM
AWWWWW.......mae.....

There is progress in the world!

He didn't respond? So what, his loss!!



...Thats what I say...his loss. He could have had himself one hellva nice lady but noooo, the rotten **stard chose to ignore me....oops sorry, didn't mean to go off into another rant, I mean rant about this.....like who FRIGGEN CARES right? He's not the last man on this @*#! * @ site. * Was I using my outside voice?*

Now with that completely out of my system all I can say is...... there are plenty of fish

...maeflowers
 candylily765
Joined: 9/19/2006
Msg: 538
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/21/2008 8:04:15 PM
I have found when I pursue a man I get uncomfortable and even if i like him...I wont allow things to develop at what would be a natural rate. In other words he will have to work harder to prove to me he is really interested

That's how I am too. If I feel like I've in any way become the pursuer then I immediately become a little embarassed about it and am way too aware of how the guy responds to me and am overly sensitive about the possibility he thinks I'm chasing after him until I no longer want to talk to him at all.
There was a guy I thought was really cute who was going to the POF events in the area. I started my job about that time too though so I was hardly ever off on a Saturday so I just kept looking at the event signups and wishing I could go to one to see if his smile was really as great in person as it was in his pics. I finally got off early enough to go to an event. My cousin was supposed to go with me. She backed out at the last minute but I was so motivated to see him in person that I decided to drive the 60 miles and go by myself. I went and he wasn't there so I was bored and disappointed and had a couple drinks although I was nowhere close to being intoxicated. He finally walked in and he was even cuter in person. He kind of hollered hi at me when he walked in and saw me looking (staring?) at him. He was obviously very comfortable and knew a lot of people there and stopped and talked to quite a few. He finally came over to me and smiled and I have no idea what happened to me but all of a sudden I told him how he was even cuter than his pics and that the only reason I was even there was so that I could meet him. He stood there and grinned. I couldn't believe that I had said all that and blamed it on the drink or two that I had. He laughed and kept talking to me until I became more and more embarassed about how I had acted like a love-struck teenager so after he had promised to take me for a cycle ride, I left abruptly. He emailed me after the event and several times after that, but the cycle ride didn't materialize as quickly as I thought it would if he were really interested in me so I wrote to him and told him I felt I was bothering him and I knew all too well what it was like to have someone chasing after you when you weren't really interested but didn't want to be rude and that I didn't want to do that to him. I took him off my favorites list and took myself off his. He left the site within a couple days after that. I have no idea if he was interested in me or not, but I was so uncomfortable feeling that I had asked for a cycle ride which he hadn't delivered on yet that I couldn't even enjoy talking to him and it felt like rejection even when he was flirting with me but not setting up a definite date. I'm not used to losing my cool around guys when I first meet them and I'm not a flirt so I had no idea how to recover my poise that night and I imagine the only way anything could have happened between us after that is if he had turned the situation around very quickly and offered that ride as soon as possible instead of just writing and flirting a little bit.
 Ahoytheredave
Joined: 8/29/2006
Msg: 539
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Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/21/2008 8:54:03 PM
Having been around "players" who use women for toys then move on, this concept of "proving" interest is pretty much self destructive. All a guy has to do is give her a few romantic trinkets and lie about his "love" for her and they pretty much fall all over him. From my side of the gender fence, I hear the guys brag about such conquests all the time. The more careful the woman, the more vulnerable she is. An old college room mate was the best I ever saw at the game. The otherwise very intelligent girls would rationalize his lies and would attack anyone who would try to warn them. When caught, he lied his way out of it every time. His fiancee and one of his "one and only"s got in a fight over him while he was with yet another "one and only". He lied his way out of even that. What does that say about the women? It's really hard to blame him as it was the women who rewarded such behavior and it is the women who demand some proof of interest that in effect punishes the honest guy.
 Sapphireeyes
Joined: 1/13/2008
Msg: 540
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/21/2008 9:09:53 PM
aww Candylily812, I do feel your pain and as you said before things in your life are similar to mine.

From another viewpoint, imagine how a guy feels to have a girl come into his life, (as cute as you say he is, he is use to it) and then all at once stops...I guess you have had guys do the same thing to you...so maybe now you can see their angle on it. It is hard online to gage a person's interest and if that person is "into you". I had one guy tell me he sees me online all the time and he assumed that I was talking to different guys the whole time, it shows Im online and Im not even in the room, Im downstairs. I think we read to much into things and we need to start accepting that if someone is talking to us..it is cause we are who they want to be talking to.

I will say in the guys defense that he might have thought it would make you more comfortable to write and flirt vs to meet again...dont beat yourself up over it ...just use it as a live and learn thing. Accept what is given in the spirit of the gift. One of the ways I think we are similar is in a effort to guard against being hurt again we try to predict the future..we try to safeguard against someone who isnt sincere....the thing is the guys who do go back and forth are the ones who are sincere..they are just as nervous and uncomfortable as we are.

A situation presented itself tonight and so I took advantage of it to write someone..and dang it if I didnt live thru it. It might not lead to anything or I might make a friend out of it...at this point I am just proud of me for going into it with the right mindset!
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 541
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Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/21/2008 9:21:59 PM

All a guy has to do is give her a few romantic trinkets and lie about his "love" for her and they pretty much fall all over him.


That's not what I, personally, call proving interest at all. Though it happens, I think it happens more often to younger and more naive girls...by the time you get to be as old as I am...you are pretty intuitive about what is genuine and what is not. I have never dated a player, so, it's reasonable to assume, my instincts are pretty dead on.

Even besides that, I find I am somewhat distressed at a lot of the male opinions on here who discount "niceness" for lack of a better word, because it happens to be used to manipulate by some men. Sincerity is the key. Truly being interested and "wooing" or romancing is not a bad thing. It is something that can be abused, like almost anything. But, it isn't inherently evil. I have dated lots of "honest" guys, who also show interest in a variety of ways, which can be termed as a whole as "romancing". It isn't dishonest if you mean it. And most women learn at some point how to tell the difference. I think that is a big distinction, lost on many men.

And this all just really addresses why , though, I do try it , my contacting first, leaves me at a big disadvantage that works to no ones advantage.

Something else I thought of...I can think of only one man who I contacted first, whether romantically, about the forums, to compliment their profile, or to admire their intellect, that didn't respond back. Which I attribute to the fact that because it so rare for many men, and they understand what it takes, and how lousy rejection can be, they are flattered, whether interested or not. This also muddies the interest waters. Women are far more likely to not respond if not interested. Or to actually say I am not interested. And these men rarely state outright what they think about you. Because , as I think I said before, while many women have problems with being the pursuer, many men have problems with rejecting.

It is a new world, and not one to be close minded, I have tried it out. Don't think I will quit...but, I still don't feel comfortable with it for the most part.
 zangie
Joined: 5/30/2007
Msg: 542
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Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/21/2008 9:31:05 PM
^^^^well, Ren, you said it more succinctly than me...lol...
This is one of those areas we actually agree on...
 dustyknight
Joined: 9/14/2006
Msg: 543
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/22/2008 3:51:46 AM
I checked my viewed page..out of the 50 profiles, 2 have messeged me at some point.
one because reading my forum posts, 1 for liking my profile. So that's 50% I figure.
1 wrote yesterday as a test, after reading this forum topic..
writing first I don't think is of any relevance..writing to someone is the point!
dusty
 kathy53
Joined: 8/6/2008
Msg: 544
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/22/2008 7:19:06 AM
I feel the same way you do about this subject but whenever I make the first contact I almost never hear back from them. Which I find ironic considering all I am ever told from men is how sick they are from women not having the courtesy to respond to their e-mails. So, go figure! You just can't win!!
 Mr. Happy, PE
Joined: 5/25/2008
Msg: 545
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Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/22/2008 8:14:47 AM
If a woman who appears like a dating possibility contacts me first it will literally make my day - or week - or month! What a delightful and unexpected thing to happen. Yet it is so rare a pleasure!

Unfortunately 95% of the women who have attempted to initiate contact with me have been so far outside my profile stated parameters I truly wondered what were they thinking or were they thinking at all?

If men do not respond to a woman's initial contact it is because they do not find them desirable for one or more reasons - probably many reasons. Women who either do not read a man's profile before contacting him or choose to ignore his criteria deserve to be ignored.
 ~Sunrise_Walker~
Joined: 4/14/2008
Msg: 546
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/22/2008 8:55:03 AM
Several men are saying that when women do make the first contact, it's usually women who are outside their sphere of what they are looking for. That's in tune with my notion that if a man is attracted to your picture or profile, let him do the first contact. Again, this is just my opinion. I think it's great that some women do, and I'm not trying to discourage that!

It has been my experience that if a man is interested, he will take the initiative. If a man, especially here on the forums, looks at a woman's picture/profile, day in and day out, and doesn't contact her, why on earth would she contact him?

Sure the same could be said for women. But let's face it. The traditional way is not broken. You can call me outdated, old fashioned, out of touch with modern times, etc. But until it becomes broken for me, I won't try fixing it.

Men contact me who are outside of what my profile states. So, that goes both ways. I usually anwer all contacts, but if they totally ignore things that I've specifically stated in my search criteria, I don't really feel compelled to answer. So I aggree with Desert Dan on that one!

Now to the question of staying on topic. I think everything said here is relevant to the topic. First contact is just the beginning. Much sometimes follows, so I see nothing wrong with statements that may involve what comes after first contact.
 Jazzythecat
Joined: 8/17/2008
Msg: 547
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Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/22/2008 10:25:21 AM
I see nothing wrong with a woman making first contact to a man, as this is a dating site and we are all supposidly here to make connections.

When you go fishing, just baiting the hook is not enough, you have to cast the fishing pole into the water. Sitting in the boat, hoping a nice big juicy fish is going to jump in and land at your feet, is nothing other than wishful thinking.

I use first contact as part of the screening process. Dating is frought with rejection, and rejection really sucks, but it's all part of the dating process.

I find dating hard work...it's not fun. To me, it's right up there with job hunting or buying a home. Lots of looking, haggling, aggravation, frustration and disappointment. But when you land the right job or find the right home, it's all worth it in the end. However, while in the process you feel like pulling out all your hair and choking someone. ...lol.

I have a certain criteria, and because of that, it always takes me a while to find what I seek. I have to get my needs as well as my wants met. Combing those two things into one, makes shopping all that much harder for me. I don't like to settle and a I am picky, so good thing for me I am also tenacious, or else I would be in big trouble. However, I do have my moments where I feel like throwing in the towel and calling it a day.
 joiseyboyjoe
Joined: 8/1/2008
Msg: 548
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Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/22/2008 8:07:45 PM
With everything else that's changed in life why not have a lady make first contact? If a lady sees someone she likes why not make that first contact. I've had that happen to me and I kinda like it.
 sparks!
Joined: 3/26/2008
Msg: 549
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Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/22/2008 8:42:40 PM
I think is hard for a lot of men and women to work up the courage to be the first to contact. I have wrote to about 10 women on this site and only 2 replied only to find out that I didn’t have much in common with them which happens. I personally like a woman that knows what she wants, I think I can speak for most men when I say when a woman takes the first step to contact us we don’t mind one little bit, I fact if they took the time to read my profile to find out more about me and what I’m looking for, Then they decide to write, I would put more of an effort to get to know them that’s for sure!
 zeeba
Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 550
Do men like it when women contact them first?
Posted: 8/22/2008 9:12:28 PM

When it's not that, and is just a 'hi", it really is awkward, when she's the polar opposite of what I make pretty clear in my profile.


Very true both online and IRL. And definitely why some men might not respond to the women, and vice versa. What do you say when you know the person isn't your type, but you don't want to hurt his/her feelings? So, that's most likely why this thread has stirred up so many emotions. We have all said "no" at some point, and we have all had "no" said or implied to us. Uncomfortable, for sure! But, the experiences do help us grow and get us ready for the next good ones just around the next corner.

For me, I plan to get out and about during this fine weekend and practice what I preach!
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