| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:28:47 AM | I would think that anyone who won't let things happen as they happen isn't the right person for you, or isn't at the right point in their travels.
Forget time limits, forget ultimatums - anyone who isn't willing to let nature take its course isn't the right person for anyone.
If nature takes its course by the other person saying "sex soon or I leave", then I would suggest that nature takes its course. :) | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:29:01 AM | The "six months" was probably an exaggeration on his part in order to make a point after he did not get what he wanted. A man like that would have dropped you anyway after he got what he wanted.
thats a giant overgeneralization. you have no way of knowing this man's intentions or the subsequent actions he would take.
try giving advice with a little less bitterness. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:34:46 AM | Bassman-
How is it going to damage her by waiting when it was THE GUY who said he wasn't going to wait six months to have sex when they have only been on FIVE dates? LOL!! So, if the woman was younger-in her late teens or early twenties it would be prudent to wait as long as she needed, but if she's older she should just dive in?????
Personally, I'm a pretty sexual person, but that doesn't mean that just because I may be attracted to a man I'm dating I want to plunge directly into a sexual relationship. Not only that there is more to being intimate than just bumping uglies. Each individual paces themselves to their own specific needs-and generally most folks have different sexual libido's-but just because I don't want to have sex off the bat doesn't mean that I don't like a man or want to share his company.
Yes, sex is a nice part of a healthy relationship, but to suggest rushing to bed is the way to make a man feel more secure is ridiculous!!! It's a catch twenty-two for a woman when it comes to sex-if you have it too quickly you are sometimes deemed easy, but if you wait too long you are sometimes deemed a prude. The funny thing is that a lot of men have no problem having sex the first date and are considered studs-but the same man who beds a woman on the first date thinks less of the woman he slept with-or if she waits TOO long than she's called frigid ( especially if she only wants 'vanilla' sex).
Dating doesn't equate to 'you owe me sex'. The idea is to get to know a person, and eventually build up to a place where you want to take the emotional to a physical level. I commend anyone who wants to take things slowly-and for those who do not want to wait-that is their choice, but to make a statement as the man who the OP is dating would indicate to me that he's out for sex only and nothing more. Patience is something seldom practiced-but often times good things do come to those who WAIT!
JMHO-of course
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:37:36 AM | well i actually did read what op said, and im all about letting things just happen when it seems right, if hes putting pressure on you, i would just get rid of him
i find more and more often these days that very few ppl i encounter are willing to just be, like theyv got to have this instant gratification and nothing turns me off more than having a man tell me what i HAVE to do in order to keep him around. like MY needs mean nothing, but his is everything?!!
sorry im personalizing this situation, but im sure you understand what im sayin | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:43:28 AM | I will ask you this... DO YOU LIKE THE MAN ???
If not then say so and let him find someone that does..
If you do like him and think you and him could fall in love , Then SHOW how you feel and give him some LOVE.
Simple .. isn't it ? | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:43:34 AM |
Yes, sex is a nice part of a healthy relationship, but to suggest rushing to bed is the way to make a man feel more secure is ridiculous!!! It's a catch twenty-two for a woman when it comes to sex-if you have it too quickly you are sometimes deemed easy, but if you wait too long you are sometimes deemed a prude. The funny thing is that a lot of men have no problem having sex the first date and are considered studs-but the same man who beds a woman on the first date thinks less of the woman he slept with-or if she waits TOO long than she's called frigid ( especially if she only wants 'vanilla' sex).
this is exactly the kind of crap i was talking about. notice how all of her issues with sex are based on social standing and what "people" would think of her.
"dont want to be a slut, dont want to be a prude. men gain social standing from sex, women lose it. dont want to be thought of as frigid"
by implying that sexually open women are somehow sub-par to women who make them wait for godawful amounts of time, you get women who are scared of looking "stupid" and "used" and "slutty"
god. how fu cked up. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:48:41 AM |
notice how all of her issues with sex are based on social standing and what "people" would think of her.
Yup - and that is a bit "messed" up, IMO. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:57:19 AM | magicalmary,
You missunderstood what I wrote. If her reason for not having sex has to do with trust issues or other reasons that she might need counseling for by NOT getting counseling she could be doing more damage to herself. She could have a wall around her heart because of a previous relationship gone bad. She might need counseling , if she doesn't get it then yes....she could just be doing more damage to herself.
Does that help? | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:57:59 AM | Shouldn't this read putting a time limit on sex?
Maybe it's just me, but I find intimacy a much larger umbrella that includes love, feelings, wonder, amazement, closeness, longing, and sex is probably going to be in that mix as well.
I understand, Ms Adventure that it wasn't your call on this one. And, yes, perhaps, it was a whiny male's way of exaggeration for effect. Would he have dropped you if he got it that soon? well, there is no way to tell, is there?
He dropped the 'bombshell' as you say, but did he drop you? You didn't say.
If he did, then yes, it was a gland to gland relationship that he sought, most likely.
Were you attracted to him in that way?.....and able to ask him to ease up a bit?
You see, many variables can lead to many questions......and many posters jumping to conclusions, either about him, or about you. So, in some ways, this kind of a topic, with little information, will yield many answers that are not based on enough detail....and therefore become moot . Information is key
best to you
```````````````````` Kimbo````````````````````````` | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:59:24 AM | well angelheart, i wasnt picking on her specifically. the majority of women seems to have these issues to some to degree. she just awesomely illustrated my point.
these are some of the ramifications of women being so sexually repressed and its crazy and sad to me. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:08:05 AM | Ok, lemme get this straight..
You've never discussed WHEN you'll be intimate, am I right?
He threw out a ball park figure like 6 months, maybe assuming that it would be around that time frame, am I right?
YOU, on the other hand have never given him an exact time frame, but were willing to let things happen naturally..am I right?
Ok so whats the big deal here?? He says hes not waiting 6 months, you didn't really think it would take 6 months to get comfortable anyway, so..HOW IN HEAVEN'S NAME, is this a bombshell???
You know what I suggest? Talk to him and figure out some kind of compromise...geez, at your age it shouldn't be this big of a deal.. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:08:50 AM | | OP, I am doubly confused. One, by just WHO asked and/or "stipulated" not that that part really matters. And two, per your profile? You seem to be so in tune with Nature. Just do not see how you/he could set ANY knd of time schedule for something that is the first step to the "bonding" phase [for most normal people] of Love. Very UN natural to fight evolution I believe. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:29:07 AM | One possible interpretation of this is the fellow is trying to let you know he is willing to give the relationship time and space to develop on its own but he also has his limits... if it isn't sexual by the six month mark, he won't invest any more time in it.
I suspect he may have picked six months as a time frame far enough in the future to not be perceived as an ultimatum for sex Now.
But I have to ask...
1. how could someone possibly communicate their position/values/stand to you without it being heard by you as an ultimatum?
Seriously, think about this. On the surface, it certainly appears he is being very responsible here in letting you know where he stands. It seems he is very interested in developing a relationship with you. But you didn't hear it that way... so why is that?
2. Obviously you have had a bad reaction to this: Did you check to ensure you heard him right? Is what you think he meant, actually what he was trying to say?
3. Did you discuss your reaction with him? Did you express your attitudes about developing relationships and becoming sexual (or not) with him to see where the two of you are in alignment?
Obviously we don't know the context, tone and manner of the conversation. On the surface it seems like a responsible conversation to be having around date 5. Why are you so outraged I wonder? | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:37:31 AM | Iam-
I have NO sexual hangups-but unfortunately, it is what it is! You aren't a woman, so there fore, it would make it a little difficult for you to understand. Bottom line for me-if I'm not ready for sex I'm not going to give it up to make a man happy. There are no guarantees in anything-including having sex with someone you care about-hell, it sometimes doesn't even matter if you don't. My thing is-why should it matter how long a person NEEDS to wait to have sex? To me that puts too much emphasis on sex and not enough on getting to the know the person.
And from my personal experience, and of other women that I know-you are JUDGED by your actions-especially if you are too sexual-non sexual or a slow mover. I do not think I'm sub par because I have a good sexual appetite, but I have been in many situations where a man looked at me differently because I did have sex early in a relationship and there have been other's who thought because I waited I was a waste of time. Thankfully, not all men ( or women ) believe that, but a lot of men have harsh sexual standards they impose on women but that they don't impose on themselves.
I certainly can understand the desire to want to have sex with a person, but I also am wise enough to know when the time is right it will happen. Sometimes it feels like some people are in such a hurry to have sex it dimishes the act. Sex shouldn't validate how much you value a person-it should be an expression of phyiscal love. Now, I'm not saying everyone meets..falls in love and makes love, because sometimes sex just for the sake of sex happens too. When I made the comments above I wasn't referring to the OP-but I know a lot of women know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.
I have no idea how the man the OP is dating said what he said-but if it were me-I'd have felt like he was imposing his desire to have sex sooner rather than later on me. If I've only been on five dates with a man I liked-I would have been a bit upset. I want a man to want to date me for ME-not just for the warm space between my thighs. Each person has there own idea what is a reasonable amount of time to wait before having a sexual relationship, and what is a 'godawful' amount of time to you could be not long enough to another.
I use to worry what people thought of my actions-but now I act according to my own feelings and beliefs-some folks won't mind-other's will...C'est La Vie! While I respect your opinion on the matter-we'll just have to agree to disagree, because despite your feelings on the matter I've seen and experienced enough double standards to last a life time. I'm just glad I'm dating someone who was willing to wait for me-put up with my mood swings-and he still likes me just the same. No one can make anyone do anything they don't want too, and if one party isn't willing to wait for the other than I'd just send em packing. But that is just me! | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:37:32 AM |
(OP) How would you feel and react if the new man in your life told you he wasn't willing to wait six months to become intimate with you? (I had just gotten to the hand-holding stage with the new man in my life when he dropped this bombshell.)
(Msg 6) I didn't impose a time limit on the intimacy thing in this "relationship" as I prefer to let things unfold naturally. He was the one who brought it up (after about only 5 dates, I might add).
From those two quotes it appears it took five dates to get to the hand holding stage. I can't, for the life of me, figure out what attraction there can possibly be. A hug? A kiss? Where are those on the dating scale?
I would say the guy blurted out the sex remark due to massive frustration. If it takes five dates to hold hands he probably did the math. 
One other thing that crops up frequently is people saying they want to let it (sex)unfold naturally. It is natural for a man and a woman to have sex if they like each other. If the attraction is there sex is a natural occurrance.
I can understand a guy coming over in the afternoon for a planned outing and declaring he wants to cancel the outing and have sex. That isn't exactly letting it happen naturally.
On the other hand if a man and a woman have spent the evening together, perhaps a dinner and a movie or a nice walk after dinner, then return to her place around 10 PM then it is natural to desire sex. Why would a man and woman who had a good time together and were attracted to each other not want sex?
If anything is natural, that is. If those two people were living together then that would be a natural time. In that situation it is unnatural to not want sex and that's the thing that concerns people.
It is not so much the idea sex is the only thing they're thinking about. The problem is when a natural time arrives and sex doesn't happen people question what the problem is because there has to be a problem because sex should be naturally happening.
It's the same as conversation. If two people go for dinner they expect their partner to have a conversation with them. They are not going for dinner strictly for the conversation, however, it is a natural time to have a conversation. If one person sits there and doesn't talk ,a conversation does not occur, the other person will assume there is a problem. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:49:37 AM |
You missunderstood what I wrote. If her reason for not having sex has to do with trust issues or other reasons that she might need counseling for by NOT getting counseling she could be doing more damage to herself. She could have a wall around her heart because of a previous relationship gone bad. She might need counseling , if she doesn't get it then yes....she could just be doing more damage to herself
Well, perhaps that might be the case for the OP, but only she would know that. Some of us are turtles when it comes to sex, other's are rabbits, but for me, at least, it has to feel right and if it doesn't I will wait until I do.
Cheers!
M~
P.S. Thanks LL!!!! | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:23:14 AM | Sex isn't necessarily being intimate. Being intimate is being able to share your deepest darkest thoughts and feelings with someone and knowing they won't criticize you. Holding hands, talking, cuddling, etc. are all part of being intimate with someone.
Never let a guy pressure you into something you aren't ready for. If it doesn't respect your decisions, he isn't worth your time. You can't put a time frame on having sex with someone. You'll know when the time is right.
OP - In my opinion though, after five dates I would have moved on to more than hand holding. If I felt I was attracted to him enough to go on five dates, there would have been some kissing going on at least. Maybe though you just aren't into the guy or his ultimatum made you reluctant to show any affection toward him - or you just don't normally move past hand-holding that fast, I'm not sure what the case is.
About 6 years ago, I had a guy that I had been talking to say he'd only wait 2 months. To me that was stating, he wasn't interested in getting to know me and was looking for sex right from the start. I'm wanting more than just someone to sleep with. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:24:57 AM |
well i actually did read what op said, and im all about letting things just happen when it seems right, if hes putting pressure on you, i would just get rid of him
i find more and more often these days that very few ppl i encounter are willing to just be, like theyv got to have this instant gratification and nothing turns me off more than having a man tell me what i HAVE to do in order to keep him around. like MY needs mean nothing, but his is everything?!!
sorry im personalizing this situation, but im sure you understand what im sayin
I totally agree with you Babiifireflii. A relationship is about two people respecting each other!!! | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 44 | |
| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:33:27 AM |
Why are you so outraged I wonder?
Good question.
I think the answer is "sex issues".
it took five dates to get to the hand holding stage. I can't, for the life of me, figure out what attraction there can possibly be.... he did the math
Exactly why I wouldn't geek around with a frosty woman for six months. Damn, I've got perhaps 10-15 years left and this chick wants me to piss away 5% of that on "maybe"? I don't think so. What is wrong with these women? | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:40:10 AM |
You aren't a woman, so there fore, it would make it a little difficult for you to understand.
thats a complete myth. you dont have emotions and thought processes that elude me simply because youre a female and im a male. i'm a logical human being with the same kind of brain you have and if i sit and pay attention, i can figure out whats going on. youre not impervious to sociology.
your entire reply post was just contradictions and backtracking. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:42:38 AM | Wow lots of great commentary on this subject. That is kinda messed up though of putting some kind of time limit on intimacy but to each their own. I prefer to let things work themselves out anymore and she will let me know what she is ready or not. Some women are in a hurry as well as some men are as well but i would think as we get older we might actually want our intimate encounters to actually mean more to us.
Just my two cents. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:45:34 AM | Maybe the guy was not actually doing the “ultimatum” thing at all. Maybe he just spoke is internal jabber out loud.
He should have not said that out loud - even if he was thinking that.
I don’t even date. After being married most of my life - I just kept running into gals that just went right for the sex ... that is even worse ..... yuck.
One hundred years ago (back when I was a young horn dog and I actually wanted the girl as a real girlfriend) I would just ***turn up the heat***.
I would never - never ever drop a female for not putting out. That would be on me - not her. That is only showing the inability to “heat the gal up”. It is the guy’s shortcoming not the gal’s.
Years ago - I chased Susie around on her couch (and her floor - and in my car and and and) for about 18 months ...... never did get her pants off - just lots dry humping and lots of rug burn lol. Something in her up bringing ...... dang she was cute. She moved to Japan for a big job or I would prolly still be getting rug burns lol.
Girls girls girls - pay no never mind to what the guy wants - that is his problem not yours. | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 49 | |
| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:46:18 AM | i'm a logical human being with the same kind of brain you have
Dude, we're talking about American women here, okay?
They've been taught to NOT think like you and me.
-they just don't seem to be getting enough
I'm doing just fine, baby.
Learning to ditch and avoid frosty women was a significant step in the right direction. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:47:55 AM |
Let me clarify this, since it wasn't very clear from my posting. I didn't impose a time limit on the intimacy thing in this "relationship" as I prefer to let things unfold naturally. He was the one who brought it up (after about only 5 dates, I might add).
If a potential suitor announced that, after a mere five dates and no shared discourse on sexual intimacy, he was not going to wait six months for sex, I would politely thank him for his honesty and wish him good luck in his search. | |
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