| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:48:47 AM | LOL....nah-I stand by my words....you are not a woman and I'm not a man-and I stopped trying to figure out what makes a man tick, because our BRAINS are quite frankly wired differently. I think it's great you feel as you do-because there really shouldn't be any shame in being sexually open, but what we do can and does impact our relationships.
The only point I was TRYING to make is that no one should feel rushed into a sexual relationship regardless of the reason. Pretty simple stuff-thee end 
EDIT:
Dearest Mr Shimbo-
I might be an American-raised a Catholic ( ha ha) but I know the difference from wanting to simply have SEX and wanting a fullfilling relationship-one does NOT equate to the other. If passing over Ms Frosty for Ms Heat meizer works for you-that's WONDERFUL, but it's not exactly the issue at hand. If I want a relationship with someone and he is making SEX an issue from the start-than in my opinion-all he wants is SEX.
If all I want is SEX-I can get that and have a lot of fun, but if I want MORE than I am willing to take the time to invest in getting to know the man I'm interested in and THEN have some hot booty. Every person is different and it doesn't matter what geographic location you may reside in-some folks don't mind casual sex-other's do. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:54:38 AM | He decided to tell you that there was a time limit in his mind that he wasn't going to wait for sex to manipulate you into giving him what he wanted . . . . so I would get rid of him.
Instead of saying: I'd like sex after the third date -- he said, I'm not gonna wait six months. It's a pretty immature trick.
I always say, people tell you right away who they are we just gotta listen. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:59:57 AM | Good point Ameera.....there is no time limit on intimacy....seems like the new boyfriend is trying to impose one....Either drop him or have a discussion about intimacy & both of you can share your feelings....sounds like the two of you already have communication problems
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:02:52 AM | | Hell no I would not put a time limit on intimacy. Weather it's emotional or physical that's crazy to wait for 6 months. If you want to wait for him wait if not move on and find someone better. | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 55 | |
| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:04:53 AM |
sounds like the two of you already have communication problems
Sex problems, you mean, and Mr Lucky has twigged to it early enough to salvage his matrimonial virginity. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:09:22 AM | i suspect its not as much what he said as how and maybe when he said it
i suspect, like others here, that if you are only at holding hands on date #5 (sorry, OP, not a criticism) that your date is using a passive aggressive, and pretty immature way to communicate his frustartion with the lack of progression on the physical side of the relationship
i am guessing it was said sarcastically, as opposed to perhaps a constructive conversation where he might have asked, how long do you think it might be before you are comfortable kissing/insert verb/etc? and if you had said, i have never slept with someone unless i have known them at least 6 months, and then he answered that he would not be interested in waiting that long
two completely different ways, not to mention other possibilities in-between. i suspect it was sarcastic......in which case i agree with other who say it reveals alot........
i don't necessarily think its unreasonable for a person of either sex to want sex before six months.......so that's not the part that is revealing
what is revealing is that if it was done in the sarcastic, passive-aggressive way i suspect, it reveals alot about this person's interpersonal communication skills
i think the comment needs to be looked at in context of the entire conversation and scenario
as always, jmho | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:09:33 AM | Well I would wait so I could be sure this person was someone I could trust to NOT DITCH ME BECAUSE I SLEPT WITH HIM!!!!! This is why most women wait.. and they have learned in the past if they don't wait.. THEY GET DITCHED!!!!
And listen this good in bed is a crock.. anyone can be good in bed.. it is a matter of education.. sheesh..
But if I were the original poster I would let this fish go.. and find someone willing to wait.. and to honor you.. not to use you .
And listen guys.. you need to think about this.. while yall.. stick it in and expell your bodily fluids we actually recieve what you have into our bodies.. That is something that is serious.. because it is our body.. and we actually absorb what is from you.. So don't be so quick to be critical of a woman who wants to make sure she can open up and trust a man before having sex with him. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:16:06 AM | Very funny L.D. I actually did something SORT OF like that to a guy once.. He actually whimpered!!!
Yeah.. OP you could tell him that you thought he had a good point.. but and you had actually changed your mind... "oh well (sigh) too bad". | |
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shimbo
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Joined: 6/15/2008
Msg: 60 | |
| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:23:50 AM |
So don't be so quick to be critical of a woman who wants to make sure she can open up and trust a man before having sex with him.
I'm not being critical.
I just wouldn't waste any time on her.
Five dates?
The chick has issues.
anyone can be good in bed.. it is a matter of education
Great!
I'm glad YOU volunteered to spend the time and effort to educate.
Get back to me when she 'graduates". | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:36:19 AM |
This question is to other women: How would you feel and react if the new man in your life told you he wasn't willing to wait six months to become intimate with you? (I had just gotten to the hand-holding stage with the new man in my life when he dropped this bombshell.)
If you want to wait X amount of time, and that's what you need to be comfortable, then that's that. I don't want anyone pissing down my throat for my preferences, I won't piss down yours, why some others in this thread choose to place their standards on you is baffling to me.
From a guy's perspective, hypothetically, if I met the right person, then yes, I would not have a problem waiting X amount of time. Asking someone to wait until you are comfortable is not a red flag. The motives behind why you asked them wait in the first place might be a red flag.
But because I would wait versus a guy who does not makes neither of us a guarantee to be the right choice of guy for you.
I think most women make the mistake of thinking making a guy wait is some kind of test to see if he's the "right guy" A guy could wait six months and sleep with you for a few weeks and still dump your ass to the curb.
If the issue is "picking the right guy", withholding sex isn't the way to pick better guys. Most women, not all, but most pick guys based on how those men looks, how much money they have and what kind of access they can give to certain desirable lifestyles. (Yes, ladies, argue this until you are blue in the face, none of the men here over the age of 25 will believe you. ) This might be the best way to select for making babies (good genes for physical attributes and the resources to raise a child) but it's not a good way for compatibility for partnership for life.
The base problem is 90 percent of women want the same top 5-10 percent of guys. Men who have no incentive to commit period. A select few of them do commit, but typically date to their own level of attractiveness and wealth and lifestyle. There are plenty of men who would give you exactly what you want and do everything you wanted, but typically you and most other women don't want those men.
Most women want a commitment from men who have no reason to commit. The reasons why those men won't commit is because women have helped to shape a society that is so punitive for men in modern western relationships that commitment looks like eating a gun and asking for seconds. Making a guy wait six months if he's in this range isn't going to make a difference in the core concept of how this works.
There are a very select group of men that 90 percent of the women actually want. These select men get most of the sex out there from the most desirable and medium/passable women. Only a very very very small portion of those select men are open to committing, and usually they commit to the top 5-10 percent of women out there. Most women simply cannot compete for these men. They just aren't physically attractive enough , charming enough, kind enough, successful enough to get them.
If you want to make a guy wait because that's what you need to be comfortable, then great. Go for it. I wish you nothing but happiness.
If you want to make a guy wait because that's what you need to be comfortable, but what makes you comfortable is thinking it's a good way to pick a better kind of mate, then you are running uphill with a sack of bricks in your arms.
Some women think the best thing to do is to make men jump through as many hoops as possible. No ladies, built a test ( way of picking men) to start that actually doesn't include attrition.
Ok, you ladies can go back to ignoring me now and continue to chase those select men who have intention of committing to you ever. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:54:02 AM | You should have told him he didnt have to wait 6 more minutes.........and then when the smile came on his face....................walked away..................
So how into you is he other than the anticipation of the sex if he brought that up? | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:28:33 AM | Simply put, IMO, he was not a man. And I would not be calling him my 'new man'. Sounds like somebody you were getting to know who was enjoying it too hopefully?
I don't even understand why people talk about it.
I had 3 dates with a guy who said that was it, he had waited too long. Of course that was the end of him for me BUT I was getting very ready. I mean, we kissed a little on our first date, etc. Do the math- isn't that why there are 4 bases???
His loss. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:09:42 PM |
I had just gotten to the hand-holding stage with the new man in my life when he dropped this bombshell.)
post #6
He was the one who brought it up (after about only 5 dates, I might add).
First giving an ultimatum was in poor taste on his part.
Although, If you were out on 5 dates together and things had just reached the point of holding hands; I would say you are not letting things unfold naturally. If that is the natural pace for you I can see why most men would be tempted to leave. I mean that might be natural progression in high school not in your mid 40s, At least for typical men and women I have known. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:30:56 PM | *Sanschele*
I LOVE reading shimbo- he's so witty and funny!!! And edumacational too!
Trust he will have some witty barb to come back at you with but alas we are VIOLATING the rules by engaging in such behavior PEOPLE!!
Considering most guys I know spank twice a day 6 mos is a LONGASS time to wait for a little help from a friend......I'm not saying, I'm just saying.
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 12:51:03 PM | | I would just ask OP why you put a particular 6 month limit in the first place? To my mind this smacks of game playing, and your man probably felt the same way when he heard this. The reason people hold off from sleeping with people should be because they want to get to know and form an emotional attachment with them as a 'person' not because they have a set time limit IMO. I wouldn't want to sleep with anybody if I wasn't sure I loved them, but I'm just old fashioned like that, though I know 'some' people think similarly. Putting a time limit on it doesn't really seem to have any specific reason, other than to convince someone you're not easy, and it's usually the most desperate of people who resort to those tactics. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 1:32:54 PM | I would say good by. I believe that a man who cares for you will wait until you are ready to be sexual with him. Notice I did not say intimate. Intimacy is a deep emotional connection.
That takes time to develop and does not have a time line. Putting pressure on someone to become sexual is not cool as far as I am concerned. If he cares he will wait until the time is right for you. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:15:33 PM | wow, not bad Pamperpooch000, its only been stated like a dozen times the OP never stipulated a time frame, and heh why the implied insult?
anyways. OP. you are right to dump his sorry ass. huh 5 dates and hes wanting to update his family planning calendar already.
It has always been my attitude, if some one loves you, they will wait however long needs be. Reading your profile just to see what sort of person you are, if he had bothered to do so too then he shouldnt have a. been suprised at your quite reasonable attitude and b. even thinking of family planning yet. I really cant imagine he could of been a good match - throw the hook back in a try again. Better men out there somewhere.
and  . | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:28:20 PM | Well, maybe he's a bit exasperated because you haven't even kissed yet after 5 dates? Maybe he's anticipating a very long wait.
You need to have a serious talk with him and let him know that you DO like sex in general and reassure him by showing some real interest in at least the form of kissing. At this rate he's probably thinking it'll take a YEAR! Have a heart and throw him a bone! And please don't act so shocked...you're adults and adults like and want to have sex as part of a real relationship. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 3:53:55 PM | Hey there Ms. Adventure...
After ALL the jerks out there I've personally met.. I've OFTEN thought of not giving it up after a decent period of time.. 6 months sounds a bit extreme for me. And I DOUBT many guys would stick around, especially if you TELL them nothing will happen within the next 6 months.
But, my point is, if this guy is more interested in defining WHEN you 2 should be having SEX , than forming a meaningful relationship.. then just get rid of that a s s!! | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 4:23:56 PM | | I agree, a woman should be able to decide where, when, and with whom she shares her body. If a man can't just sit back and enjoy ride, he dosen't deserve to reach the destination. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:01:43 PM |
I agree, a woman should be able to decide where, when, and with whom she shares her body. If a man can't just sit back and enjoy ride, he dosen't deserve to reach the destination.
So if a man doesn't share the same time line, and looks for a more compatible relationship, why is he the ass ? | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:24:34 PM |
So if a man doesn't share the same time line, and looks for a more compatible relationship, why is he the ass ?
Well, in the instance of the OP, they are dating and he mentioned he wasn't waiting six months to have sex-if a person begins dating someone and decides they aren't 'worth' the wait than moving on to someone more suited for them is fine. What is interesting to me is that there is SUCH emphasis on doing the nasty so quickly-what ever happened to waiting for it to happen when BOTH people are ready.
I've had one night stands and some regular booty calls-but sex was on the menu from the start, HOWEVER, if I meet someone and want more than just SEX, I want to take the time and effort to get to know the person first-and then eventually engage in sexual intercourse. I'm only speaking for myself, but when I first started dating again it seemed like right after dinner each date EXPECTED me to offer up the booty. When I declined it was game over-no return calls or much else.
I guess it really depends on a lot of things like a person's feelings on intimate relationships-trust-some understanding-patience etc. In my mind-it's like some men and women want to take the person for a test ride-if the ride is smooth they MIGHT want more-but if the ride isn't what they hoped for they can bail and not look back. Each person KNOWS what they want and need-and unfortunately for some folks they just don't have the patience to wait for sex.
If I want sex I make it clear by my actions I'm interested-and if we are on the same page it's nice, but as I've said before some folks are sexual turtles and other's are sexual rabbits ( LOL-I keep envisioning the energizer bunny). No one can make me have sex unless I want it or I'm ready-and but for the long haul I want a guy whose in it for ALL of me, not just the parts that are fun. | |
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