| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 7:45:21 PM | I only read a few posts, so sorry if it was mentioned before...
Sounds to me like he probably feels like things are going really slow. If you guys are only holding hands after 5 or 6 dates, maybe he feels like it's going to take a long while to get any.
I don't know the guy, but he didn't word it properly for sure. Not to defend him, maybe he's a jerk or an ass...or maybe he's really frustrated at not being able to touch you, maybe he doesn't know how to speak well around women, maybe he was nervous.
I don't know...lol. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:32:46 PM | Yes I sagree if you are 12,,,,,
I'm REAL OLD and first date is dinner and hands, second better be more than a peck on the cheek or there never be a third date,, I dont have the time for those silly juvinile games,,,, and there are so many lovely ladies that are not hung up on their silly ugly OLD body,,,, some of you should be looking at what you are going to misss instead of some stupid gift you are giveing away with nothing in return,,,,
SH*T ,,,,,WAKE THE FU*K UP,,,, YOU ARE OLD | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:40:31 PM | Ms Adventure, I have noticed that men have seemed to come to a point where they NOW have an expectation of sex. If that sex is not met in THEIR time frame then they will toss you like yesterdays news. (I apologize if this sounds like generalization, but the fact is it happens more than NOT)
I had someone that demanded sex by the third date, and after at first well ok... I decided NO, I wasn't ready and didn't feel like I wanted to go there at that point. He had a hissy fit, and said he didn't want to see me any more... NO PROBLEM...
One person wrote on the post I did, that since I had chatted with this guy for three weeks, to him it was three weeks to long...
Had I known before I married my ex was young and actually did the wait until a week before we married, that he was not all that into sex, we wouldn't have married. However on the flip side, I think a woman should be able to wait.
Geez, when you read these forum posts, and a girl gets burned by having sex considered to soon, she gets beaten to a pulp emotionally for not having waited until marriage.
I've seen replies here that complain about it being the opposit...
No wonder dating is such a taxing complicated nitemare... | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:33:38 AM |
(Msg 57) Well I would wait so I could be sure this person was someone I could trust to NOT DITCH ME BECAUSE I SLEPT WITH HIM!!!!! This is why most women wait.. and they have learned in the past if they don't wait.. THEY GET DITCHED!!!!
Far too often sex is used as some "marker" in a relationship. Whether the guy never calls back after the first night or the couple have sex and break up a week later sex is frequently mentioned as the reason when it may not be.
Most guys like sex. Unless the guy is a stud and can go out any evening and get a gal, which most can't, a guy who gets sex is going to stay barring any major deal breaker.
And listen this good in bed is a crock.. anyone can be good in bed.. it is a matter of education.. sheesh..
Most people, other than the Seinfeld crowd  , go on spontaneity. One can learn what their partner likes but it's more than just one "position" or one "move". A person is not going to change their natural reaction to sex. It's unlikely a normally quiet, reserved person is going to be overly demonstrative.
"Good in bed" usually refers to compatibility and frequency. Of course anyone can have sex. The idea is to find someone who is "naturally" compatible. I don't think anyone wants to have sex while thinking, "Am I doing this right? Maybe I should do that instead?" It has to be natural and spontaneous.
So don't be so quick to be critical of a woman who wants to make sure she can open up and trust a man before having sex with him.
It's not so much being critical as trying to find out and correct what's causing the lack of trust. "I don't know you well enough." is countered with, "What do you want to know? What can I show you? What can I do?"
In the end it comes down to spending time together and one will learn a lot more about a person by spending time with them in their home as opposed to dancing or sitting in a restaurant or spending a day at the zoo.
If the attraction is there, if a person is serious, they will want to learn about the other individual as soon as possible. I believe, in many cases, the attraction isn't there. There isn't any chemistry so people drag out the dating process hoping something will grow.
(Msg 72) I believe that a man who cares for you will wait until you are ready to be sexual with him.............. Putting pressure on someone to become sexual is not cool as far as I am concerned. If he cares he will wait until the time is right for you.
He will wait if all he wants is sex. If he's interested in someone wanting him, desiring him, someone who truly connects with him he won't wait because he knows that's not the right person. Either the chemistry isn't strong enough or there is something about him the lady doesn't like.
Questioning why sex isn't happening is not putting pressure on someone. It's determining if the person is interested. Maybe they would love to have sex but something is bothering them. Maybe something the other person said or did. If, on the other hand, the feeling just isn't there then there's no point beating a dead horse.
I believe too many romantic relationships are based on things other than chemistry. If that passion or burning desire is not there the relationship will not last because two people need that. It's the passion for each other that keeps the people together. It's the desire to be with the other person that tempers our natural selfishness.
We all want what we want. If a romantic relationship is entered into as a "bargain" between two people it will not last because each individual will be putting themselves first. It's the desire to put the other person first that results in a happy relationship and that desire is the result of passion or chemistry.
It's more than sex being important. It's the wanting to have sex, the wanting to be with the person in that way, that's important. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:51:39 AM | """It's not so much being critical as trying to find out and correct what's causing the lack of trust. "I don't know you well enough." is countered with, "What do you want to know? What can I show you? What can I do?"""""
Very good question Dave. It seems for a majority of women, spending time with a man and getting to know him is the best way to truly trust someone. Personally, even as a man, I wouldn't "trust someone" who asked me what then can show me or do to earn my trust. You aren't a used car salesman by any chance are you?
at 48 I've had a few one nite stands, and I at least, knew there was not going to be a next date. Call me a pig, a good kissing pig. I totally understand why some women, maybe most women (from reading 100's of profiles here) want "friends first", its their biological instinct, and makes a hell of a lot of common sense to them too. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:38:52 AM | op, you ask
This question is to other women: How would you feel and react if the new man in your life told you he wasn't willing to wait six months to become intimate with you? (I had just gotten to the hand-holding stage with the new man in my life when he dropped this bombshell.)
first, i'm surprised your thread survived because it's gender specific....
nevertheless, i see you got lots of replies by both genders, (not surprisingly at all....giggle)..
i might react with asking him where that comment came from....
or I might react with laughter, knowing exactly what he meant, if I also had only gotten to the hand holding stage after 5 dates...
or I might react with giving him a huge kiss and reassuring him not to worry,
or I might react with a dirty look like such a comment wasn't appreciated...
or I might wink at him,
or I might.....
not having any idea from your posts how it was said, in what context it was said, whether you had discussed anything to do with any physical or emotional attraction to each other....
there are so many ways one can react....
but, for me, i would most likely agree with him, basically!  | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:44:23 AM | | This topic is funny! Girls, men want sex. Women just have to understand that. The key is to not give it up to someone you are not really interested in, or isn't interested in you..whatever the time limit. How would you feel though, if you were to wait 6 months and find out that Mr. Right isn't talented in that arena or isn't well equipped? Sounds like a long time to wait for disappointment, unless that doesn't matter to you. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:45:07 AM | | If that time limit was important to me, then I would think we weren't a good match. You have to be true to yourself no matter how it may not jive with what others think. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 11:17:27 AM |
What is interesting to me is that there is SUCH emphasis on doing the nasty so quickly-what ever happened to waiting for it to happen when BOTH people are ready.
Sex has different importance to different people and everyone has a different comfort levels with it. So compatibility is very important.
Had I been in a relationship with the OP I WOULD NOT have told her "I am not going to wait 6 months for sex" (unless she asked why I didn't want to see her anymore) . I would have broke it off after date 2 (judging by the statement 5 dates in she reached the hand holding phase).
Now don't get your panties in a knot. I did not say I expect sex on the 2nd date. I would have made a judgment call here. A woman that doesn't even hold hands till 5 dates out is not even in the same hemisphere of compatibility with me.
My guess is this is not the first such encounter the OP has had. It might just be the first she received some, be it a poor one, explanation for. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 11:22:36 AM | The only time anyone has the "right" to put a time limit on "intimacy" is when they are paying for it.
That would be legal in the case of the "Bunny Ranch"....
http://www.bunnyranch.com/
But most other places its not.
If you want a trollip... pay the trollip. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 11:32:12 AM | | Date a Priest. A man's not going to wait 6 months or he will, but will see another woman on the side while he waits on you. Most men don't have to wait that long because most women don't require that. Truely, he doesn't have to wait that long to get some. You should only date people in the church if waiting in that way is important to you. What I've found about women is that they will make one man wait 6 months, but with a different man, sleep with him in one night. Women are not consistant so I tend to totally disregard most of their claims to sexual piety as bullsh*t. I don't play these kind of games with women. If they try to play games with their p*ssy, I disregard them outright and won't waste a second of my time with them. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 11:39:55 AM | | Why would you put an exact time frame on the sex. I completely understand waiting. You want to give time so you can get to know him and him know you. You may want to wait until you're in love and that fine, but I don't know why you would put an exact time limit? I could understand him questioning the exact time, but you should tell him what it is your looking for or the reason you are giving the time. Then he can decide if he wants that. If not then move on. | |
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blue70
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Joined: 1/12/2008
Msg: 89 | |
| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 12:01:31 PM | I think you should sleep with him first but NO TOUCHING!
Geez, where's this guy's sense of humor? If you can't have some fun ain't gonna last anyhow!
Learn to be more playful dudes- besides, that's why G-d made showers, right??? It's right there for you! DO IT!
Timeframes are retarded- and did they have a minimum time period, like no shooting in under 20 min
I'd say Good Riddance! | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 12:17:45 PM | Sex has different importance to different people and everyone has a different comfort levels with it. So compatibility is very important[quote/]
I totally agree with that statement-but everyone moves at a different sexual pace-so even if everything else clicks-but the sex isn't fast enough some men think dropping a hint ( 'I'm not waiting six months to have sex ') might pick up the pace??!! My thing is-no one should feel pressured into jumpin in the sack, and if the person bails because of it-so be it.
What if the scenario involved a young woman-say 18 yrs old-would the response be the same? Just because we might be older doesn't mean because we have had sexual experience ( not to generalize) does that mean we should be more willing to have sex? Each person has their own comfort level and I feel it should only happen when both parties are ready-not just one or the other. Yes, it's nice to be sexually compatible with a potential date, but if you're just dating it takes time to get to know a person and while five dates may seem like sufficient time to shag-for other's it's not.
It's definitely a case by case scenario-because both men ane women are VERY different on how they view sex and romance. I have teenage daughters' and I've had the good ol 'birds n bees' talk and while I know I can't control when they will become sexually active, I've expressed that NO one should decide for them when they are ready or pressure/guilt them into having sex. If they start dating a young man I'd hope, if he was truly interested in one of my daughter's he'd be patient and willing to wait for her to make a solid decision with sharing her body with him. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:27:40 PM |
(Msg 85) Very good question Dave. It seems for a majority of women, spending time with a man and getting to know him is the best way to truly trust someone. Personally, even as a man, I wouldn't "trust someone" who asked me what then can show me or do to earn my trust. You aren't a used car salesman by any chance are you?
What can we do for you so you can drive this car off the lot today?
I totally understand why some women, maybe most women (from reading 100's of profiles here) want "friends first", its their biological instinct, and makes a hell of a lot of common sense to them too.
A few points. First, friendships take a long time to develop. We have a lot of aquaintances but how many "real" friends do people have? Put another way how many people trust their friends as much as they trust their partner? Do they tell their friends the same things they tell their partner? Do they discuss personal business matters, have joint bank accounts, give them keys to their home or loan them their car?
The second point is how many people consider their friends to the same degree as their partner when making important decisions? Changing jobs? Selling a home? Are people saying "friends first" when they mean "trust first"? We trust our bank manager but they're not necessarily our friend and that brings me to the last point.
Many people agree a romantic relationship involves a friendship and passion. Some even describe it as a friendship going on fire. I do not believe those relationships last.
IMO, a romantic relationship is passion and out of that a friendship grows. In other words the relationship is not built on friendship. It is built on passion. People become friends, enjoy similar activities and view life similarly because they enjoy being with each other.
Why does it make a difference? It makes a difference because we frequently hear, "We grew apart". Of course, if being togther depended on the same things as friendship, activities/views, then it's natural the relationship will end just as we change friends. If we stop playing golf our golfing partner will slowly fade into the background.
If it's a matter of trust most guys won't invite a gal to his home or give her his work number if he plans on dumping her. He's not going to be open with her. So, that's how to get to know the guy. Go to his home. See how he lives. Spend the weekend. Most people, even with children, alternate weekends or maybe the kids can stay with their grandparents Saturday night.
I dated a lady who used that approach. From Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon one earns a lot about a person. Also seeing each other in the evening during the week. Everyone eats dinner. Alternate places or if it's inconvenient for one the other can bring the groceries and cook dinner together.
It all comes down to ones seriousness concerning a relationship. If the passion is there they will learn about each other rather quickly.
Lastly, a note about Javan's post, # 91,
What I've found about women is that they will make one man wait 6 months, but with a different man, sleep with him in one night.
How true. I wonder how many women, now in their 30s and 40s and older, haven't done exactly that. I wonder how many would make Brad Pitt or George Cloony wait or some other guy they go gaa-gaa over.
While I don't advocate jumping in bed a few hours after meeting if there is chemistry the couple should get themselves to a testing station/clinic. No one-night-stand guy is going to go through the hassle of testing and showing up for the results. That solves that problem. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:33:02 PM | | I think there is way too much sex going on without any sort of emotional involvement. I like what someone said recently: "Just think of the difference in this world if people started taking God seriously in regard to sexuality." There is a reason we should wait for committment. It's for our own good, really. | |
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Zmary
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Joined: 6/9/2007
Msg: 94 | |
| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:35:05 PM | | A guy on another sight told me he thinks there should be sex on the 2nd date. Needless to say I never wrote to him again. I was never even interested in meeting him after that remark. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:42:23 PM | | you know i just hate it when men use blase' expressions to diminish the amount of hurt given to women after they 'open themselves'. Since men don't have to open their bodies to receive a most probable (liar) they scoff and diminish the amount of pain they cause. Men rarely extend themselves to women. If they do once they cry about it to about a dozen women that come after in order to justify hurting all of them because they were hurt (only once)...... Men are detached and unfeeling. That's a fact of life. Women try to protect themselves by putting time limits (like 6 months) so men can be given enough time to prove that they won't hurt the woman right after they get the sex they're looking for. If men don't want time limits, then they should attempt to be more loving and (honest) if that's possible, earlier in the relationship. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:45:56 PM | Some people do not understand what intimate means - it does not just mean sexual intercourse.
With that said, I will presume that you did not understand and meant sexual intercourse. Until that is clarified, the advice you receive might be different.
Frankly, six months was nothing to wait when we were younger, but did we realize the importance of sex in our relationships? Who knows. I do feel that society rushes into sex too easily sometimes.
BOTH of you should feel comfortable. What do we tell our children? Yet, most people on here want to rush everything. I'm not against having sex sooner, but I grow weary of contradictory people.
I would never dare to tell you that you are making someone wait too long. Cripes, my friend waited until her wedding night and they dated for quite a few years.
It's UP TO YOU. Your life, your body.
Some people view sex as more important in a relationship. As I grew older, I realized the importance of sex in a relationship. As mentioned, people need to find someone compatible in that area too.
But because I would wait versus a guy who does not makes neither of us a guarantee to be the right choice of guy for you.
Excellent point! | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:55:59 PM | Magical
I see we are in total agreement. If there isn't compatibility leave them. There is no need to put pressure on anybody.
It is better to get out early than to either be used or involved in a frigid relationship. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:59:17 PM | | 6 months for any sort of intimacy?? 5 dates and hand holding?? let me go get my time machine. wanna go back about 40-50 years. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 3:03:58 PM | Is it possible that this was his clumsy way of initiating a conversation about how you decide when you will become intimate? I don't know that I would have been offended because it was not like he said six weeks, he perhaps wanted some indication of how you felt about moving things up to that level?
By the fifth date most people have done some serious kissing and hand-holding is probably a given so from that perspective, maybe he doesn't feel like he is reading your signals well and wanted to figure out where your head was on the subject. | |
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| Putting a Time Limit on Intimacy.
Posted: 7/5/2008 3:23:01 PM | I'm not sure why this has to be a "Who is right?" discussion.
OP (or anyone else) is entitled to decide at what rate they want to move the physical side of the relationship forward (hand holding, kissing, making out, etc.). If she wants to take 5 dates to hold hands, that's her privelege and she can wait 6 YEARS to have sex if she wants. It is her life and she can make whatever rules she wants. None of us have the right to tell her she needs to change.
However, the other person in the relationship is ALSO entitled to decide that the pace is too slow. At that point they can either try to discuss it and ask for changes, or they can look elsewhere. Hopefully they'll do a better job of communicating this than OP's date did, but they still have the right to look for what they want.
Both sides need to understand that their "standards" (whether its "Sex on the first date" or "Nothing until marriage") will have an impact on the relationship (and whether it continues). Whether that impact is good or bad is for the person themselves to decide.
Just my $0.02 worth. | |
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