| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:58:11 AM | It is naive and perhaps the highest form of conceit to say, "I won't settle". We all settle, or we'd all drive Lamborginis accompanied by the latest, greatest actor/actress/model... the one with the Phd in Quantum Physics, of course. I myself have made a huge sacrifice by settling, but Ferrari refused to make a pickup truck!
So you won't 'settle?' Ok, you scour the globe, and in ten years after your exhaustive search, there he/she is! You rush over, express your undying love, and they reply, "Oh, thanks but no thanks, I was looking for someone a little more masculine/feminine. But good luck in your search!"
Buy lotto tickets, the odds are better. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 1:49:09 PM | My prior relationships are all testament to the fact that I don't settle.
I have a cat, I can choose to be single if the relationship I'm involved in no longer provides me with what I want. I won't ever choose to stay in a relationship if I'm not happy. I might stay in one on a temporary basis if there is a financial motivation, but otherwise no. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 1:52:23 PM | "Ok, so where do we go from here? Don't we all compromise in relationships. If compromise to one person is settling to another, wh0 really cares, right?"
We discover a b/f or g/f to fall in love with. Of course we all do "MizQ". Only a bonehead would be against that. By the way, great profile  | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 2:45:06 PM | What cracks me up is that settling is the most self absorbed thing I've ever heard of. For people to be so arrogant that they walk around acting like they are the perfect catch and that only the perfect catch will do in their life, is amazing.
I had one girl that said she had 20 things she needed for a guy to be with her. We were friends. I always told her that was crap but the sex in the city crap I guess is in. one day she told me that she felt that I was the guy that made her list and that we could be together.
It was like, "ok, you are worthy of me so I pick you". I told her that I had a brain and a choice and then I said,"i have a list too".
"And you dont meet 3 of the things I need." Funny how she reacted. She understood dumping guys when she wasn't going to "settle" but when I wouldn't "settle" she didn't understand. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 6:37:32 PM | Yeah, I used to know this woman who was really picky she had a list of like 100 things she required of her "perfect" man, so naturally she realized I was the one cuz I'm so AMAZING ... but , I turned her down and she jumped off a bridge...
...I'm kidding. I'm just poking fun at a certain poster who is obviously ridiculously insecure to have to constantly point out how great he is ...
I'm hoping he's going to get better soon.
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:24:37 PM | I dunno..
I "settle" for who I like and who likes me. I "settle" for someone I think is pretty nifty and hopefully their doing the same thing with me.
When I think about it, it doesn't feel like "settling", it feels like I'm getting what I want. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 8:51:29 PM | WOW.....Settling, isn't that what our mothers told us to never do!What did she know , huh...Well, from personal experience i think we all do it without knowing it at the time.We HOPE the other person is everything we want them to be.Then when we get blindsided,we take out the old score card. Even in the best relationships ,when both parties feel they hadn't settled, someone always does the unthinkable and CHANGES...What then? maybe when we settle, something wonderful CAN happen ! That person turns into the person who is everything we always wanted and more... or maybe I'm just living in la-la land....lol.... But, i'm not giving up just yet, i know my soul mate IS out there...... | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:06:11 PM | ^^
Doesn't that assume that the changes are always bad?
For me, hardly anyone I've ever dated has changed for the worst. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 9:53:52 PM | Settling?
I suppose it depends on your standards.
If your standards are high you may never meet the person that person you seek without some form of comprimise.
Its always important to figure out whats really important to you and stick to your guns.
If you are looking for a long term partner then compatibility is important.
As we go through life we grow and become more interested in different hobbies or interests. Its healthy and normal to have interests that are different than a potential mate/companion.
However if they have issues which would cause you problems in the long run (such as anger issues or heavy drinking or are controlling or jealous or unfaithful or a total slob or whatever) it may be better to pass them by even if there is a good deal of chemistry between you.
Often times in todays society many seek an easy fix, but the yield is often times based on the investment. Finding someone thats right for you is like surfing. If you dont like the one that comes along, then wait it out until a better one comes along. If you wait too long you could not catch any waves. Confusing but true.
I choose to find someone that is right for me instead of having all of the myriad of qualities that in ideal partner should. But alas I am still here.
Good Luck to you | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:12:44 PM | The whole concept of settling and giving it this much thought is about as constructive as laying blame. As mthomjmark noted, its a bit too arrogant for me to embrace.
Personally, I think if I found someone who was absolutely everything I wanted in a man life would eventually be pretty frigging boring because without some bad or difficult periods, we would not recognize how truly fortunate we are to have found someone that fits the important criteria and gives us challenges in loving their quirks.
If someone thought he settled for me I can't imagine that he would treat me well enough to keep me around hence, I don't see any substantial settling in my future. Compromise, understanding and empathy, yes, settling, no. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:36:00 PM | +1 packagedealx3
The whole "settling" issue is unsettling (pun intended) to me. Almost everything we do in life
involves some sort of compromise. When someone says "I won't settle" I wonder how much time
they've spent wondering how they "measure up" as opposed to viewing things from a "what I want" PoV.
The mere word itself is whimsical in nature. A person can "settle" for perfection and if perfection isn't
available clearly settling depends on the "weight" assigned to desired attributes that exist or are missing.
O | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/4/2008 10:49:40 PM | The big question the goes unanswered is "what is settling?" I'll try to answer it. I think there's at least 3 different types of settling and with it comes much confusion.
The first type of settling is where one person (Ms X) is sick of being alone and accepts the best available (Mr Y). Mr Y doesn't actually make Ms X happy, but Ms X didn't want to be alone anymore and so she accepts Mr Y.
The next type of settling is where you add up all the qualities of a person and they come out to be a value. Then, if that person chooses someone of a lesser value, they have settled. So, let's say Ms X has a lot going for her... good looks, a good job, a great personality, and she finds Mr Y who isn't all that great looking, doesn't have the greatest job, and just has an okay personality. So, she is settling for less than her equal and less than what she could (ideally) get out in the world. However, that's not to say Mr Y doesn't make her happy. In fact, she enjoys spending time with Mr Y.
The third type of settling is where one person makes a list of all the qualities they want, regardless of what they can bring to the table, and then they are settling if they accept someone who doesn't have all those qualities. So, let's say Ms X is just okay looking, has an okay job, and an okay personality, but she demands that Mr Y have the looks of a male supermodel, has millions of dollars, and the greatest personality in the world and anything less would be settling.
So, which type of settling are you talking about?
IMHO, the first type of settling is the type you absolutely should avoid. If you get to the point of loneliness and feel like you need someone, anyone... then you really need to be careful. That's just asking for a bad relationship and a lot of hurt feelings because as soon as someone a little better comes along, you're likely to jump for them. And in the meantime, you will be unhappy and probably spread your unhappiness to your partner.
The third standard of settling is completely rediculous to me, yet many people do it (probably including me at one point). They look at settling as a huge list of demands and then they reject everyone based on that list because they don't want to "settle". Many of these people have good qualities, yet cannot seem to ever find a suitable date because they don't want to settle. In the end, these seem like the most likely candidates to end up doing the first type of settling. They've spent so much time without a partner and see anything less than their list as settling, so they just accept whoever is available without recognizing that there is a middle ground.
If they would just throw out the list, then they could realize that there is a point of happiness that separates the two extremes. You aren't settling for whoever is available, yet you aren't holding everyone to some list's standards. You are accepting people for who they are and seeing if that relationship with them makes you happy.
It is within that middle ground that has me questioning things though. Is the 2nd type of settling okay? Sure, you might not be getting exactly what you're worth in return, but if your partner makes you happy, does it matter? Will you eventually say, "wait, I deserve even more."? In this case, it's not about unrealistic expectations, it's about getting an equal. Of course, it's hard to say that people are ever exactly equal. And if they are equal, they will also change and become unequal in the future. Perhaps this is why even among well-adjusted people, they still have a hard time finding the right date and sticking with him/her. Maybe too many people are out there looking for their "equal" when they should really be out there looking for someone that they are happy with? Hmm, something to think about some more. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/5/2008 12:13:27 AM | | I think people in these forums worry too much about this idea that people are being "too picky." There's a difference between shooting the breeze (in the form of forums) about what you want in a partner, and then actually being face to face with a real person, fall for them/develop an emotional attachment, and then decide whether you are willing to put up with less desirable characteristics. I think generally people will accept who a person is if they have fallen in love with them. It's the whole chemical****ail inside your mind that happens when you are infatuated with someone and lasts for the first few months. "Flaws" tend to seem less important then. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:12:55 AM | msg 8, I agree . too many 3's out there looking for a 10 ? If people were more
realistic; they'd probably get less frustrated, and less disappointments. It's not really settling anyway. It's called ; get real ; work what you got; not what you wish you had.
also, ever hear "when you get what you want , you don't want it anymore." It's because as well as we think we know ourselves, we really don't. You know how we always see others' faults so easily ? We should probably ask someone we respect, to give us their
honest opinion of "us". Will either help, or kill the friendship. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:47:28 AM |
Msg: 21 -- say if someone def. doesnt want a smoker but meets someone that smokes and has every other quality they are looking for
There is one woman who has a nearly ideal profile here except for one thing; she smokes. Not only is the ACT of smoking detestable, I also find "tobacco breath" to be absolutely REPULSIVE. Yet, I find myself looking at her profile quite often, wishing that she didn't smoke. Smoking is one thing I simply can NOT settle for or compromise with. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/5/2008 6:55:34 AM | | I will always be more than any woman deserves, so I am not worried about her having to settle for me. And going the other way, it reflects well on me to commit the act of charity of accepting someone despite their many glaring flaws. I don't see a problem. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:15:04 AM | Every person in the world who enters into a relationship is "settling" to an extent. That is because there are no "perfect" people and there are no perfect relationships.
If someone has the main qualities I'm looking for, I can overlook "the small stuff." Even overlooking the small stuff means you are settling. No one human being can be EVERYTHING I would want in a partner...it's just not possible. I can't be EVERYTHING that someone else wants either. I can have all the MAIN qualities, but I'm not going to be "perfect" for someone.
Someone who refuses to settle for less than every little miniscule thing on their list of 89621862 things, is going to be alone for a very long time, if not forever. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/5/2008 8:15:42 AM | ~OT~ Perfect for me is vastly different than perfect. And no, I don't see the need to settle. I can be alone (and I'm very good at it) rather than to be with someone who is settling for me and/or me losing or suppressing the knowledge I've gained throughout the years. I know me, I know who I am, what I desire/need and if all of the criterium isn't there ~ we won't have to worry about him settling for me because it will NEVER get to that point. Fortunately, I've had "it all" in the past (sadly fate had other ideas) so I know for a fact, one doesn't need to settle or be someone else's "Well she'll do, I guess." JMO  | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:57:15 PM |
I'll start off by saying that I actually believe we all "settle" in some ways when choosing partners. It just comes down to what we are willing to compromise on and what we aren't. However, judging from all the threads on this topic, there seem to be lots of people who won't "settle" which means, I guess, that some of us are getting everything we hoped for and more! But what if that means the other person is "settling"? Seriously, would you rather be the one who decides to settle for a little less than perfect or the one who is "settled for"? "Settling" seems like such a horrid idea. I'm sure none of us wants for our love to have settled for us -- as in, they would like for s to be better/different, but they are tired of looking and will make do with us. It implies dissatisfaction immediately.
I don't believe in settling and wouldn't want my partner to feel that he had settled for me despite being unhappy with various aspects of being with me. Like you, OP, I would feel extremely insecure and unhappy to feel that I was only partly loved and not wholly.
None of us is perfect. Perfection would be impossible without omniscience and none of us is all-knowing -- we are all a terribly long way off. Each one of us has many habits, quirks of character and failings which could potentially annoy other people. It is inevitable that some things about your behaviour will occasionally be at least briefly irritating or inflammatory to your partner, unless you are with a zombie or a zen master.
Despite this lack of general perfection, I believe that it is possible for two people to be perfectly matched. My special someone and I are a long way from being perfect individuals, but the dynamic we share includes space for learning and encourages growth and so that is perfect.
Acceptance and understanding are different from settling. You might see that the person you are with has certain weaknesses or issues. These things might be things that you endure or things that you embrace. Enduring stuff is like compromising yourself, settling. I don't see it as being loving. If something that my partner does initially annoys me or triggers me, I don't want to be gritting my teeth or biting my tongue and putting up with it on a regular basis -- I wouldn't want him to do so either. I rather dread such feelings of endurance to be perfectly honest.
Inevitably, we will occasionally hurt or aggravate each other and the alternative to enduring these things is to embrace rather than endure them. Faults make us human and our humanity makes us dear. Problems can bring two closer together rather than create barriers, if they are open to working together. A simple example would be that none of us is good company all the time: sometimes we get fed up, sulky, depressed or grumpy. Our being in this mood is hardly going to be an enjoyable experience for the other person but there is no reason why it need not be a positive experience, nevertheless if the right feeling and the openness is there.
We all have so much to learn. I feel that when we are flustered by something, it is something worth looking at as an area for potential growth, rather than one to tune out as some fixed things we must simply endure, limiting ourselves. Life is not meant to be a bed of rose petals alone -- the occasional thorn is part of perfection in a dynamic because it helps us to do more than sleep, oblivious.
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:59:11 AM | first, i don't like how people are associating "settling" with "compromise". compromise is when 2 people work together on something that can't be agreed upon. settling, is when one person decides they won't find anything better, so they settle.
walk around acting like they are the perfect catch and that only the perfect catch will do in their life, is amazing.
thats just it though, i do believe that i AM the perfect match for SOMEONE, and they are for me. we're talking about the one person we want to spend the REST of our lives with. damn straight im not settling!!
I had one girl that said she had 20 things she needed for a guy to be with her.
im going to assume that her list was more of the materialistic kind?
if i had a list, it would consist of:
respect, humour, chivalry, stability (in most aspects of life, if not all) lol...
no way i would settle for less. 
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:31:28 PM | LOL; sonshine save it; if your that insecure I'll pay for your counseling; I have money too;)
Read all my posts and then you'll "get it". Many people are trying to help others out and give examples; for you to attack me like a wimp is pretty pathetic. Email me if you have any problems with what I say. I promise I'll answer.
I dont think people that are secure in themselves are not going to worry about posters on POF. lol; you've got to be kidding | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:46:57 PM | Cue Cyndi Lauper : " And I see your true colors shining through ... "
GOTCHA !
I love it !
I was starting to think you were going to do the smart thing which would've been to completely ignore me.
At least you can take it as well as dish it out ....yeah
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:22:51 PM | To me, to "settle" means to give up on finding somebody suitable and to "make do" with somebody you don't really want, but you're afraid you won't find somebody else.
Everybody has shortcomings, but it's not necessarily "settling" to accept him/her with the shortcomings. Say, he's untidy, but you don't mind cleaning up after him and he's very thoughtful in other ways. Is that "settling"? I don't think so. Or you would love to find a guy who's musical, but you meet a guy who you really love who is a bit tone deaf. Is that "settling"? I don't think so. You'd been hoping to marry a college-educated professional, but this guy is a mechanic but he's everything else you've wanted in a man. Settling? No.
"Settling" to me would be something like the guy has something you legitimately would object to, but you're willing to put up with it because it's better than being alone. I know of two guys who would willingly marry me but I'm NOT willing to settle. The one has character issues, including gross insensitivity to his kids' needs. Yeah, he and I have chemistry and so forth, but I don't want a guy who is so oblivious of his own children. Another guy is decent and honest and a good father, but he's whiny and clingy, and I need somebody who may need support once in a while but who is overall able to cope with life. So I choose to stay single rather than settle. | |
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| Settling - A different perspective
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:27:15 PM |
For people to be so arrogant that they walk around acting like they are the perfect catch and that only the perfect catch will do in their life, is amazing.
It's not necessarily a matter of holding out for "perfection" or "are you good enough for wonderful ME?" It's whether or not you'll abandon your deal-breakers in order to just not be alone.
Maybe you want somebody who shares your faith. You give up and marry somebody whose own faith is so lukewarm they don't care what you believer or not. You have SETTLED. Or you want somebody who will be faithful to you, but you give up and marry a serial cheater so that you won't be alone. You have SETTLED. Or you are raising your children, and you marry somebody who hates kids and is always wanting them to stay at their other parent's home or with friends so he/she doesn't have to have them around. You have SETTLED. | |
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