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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/5/2008 10:54:55 PM | As many others have suggested, I also think it is probably your approach to the relationships that is the problem rather than being a single father. I know two separate single fathers who've had no problems in the dating arena -- one is and has been in a stable relationship with a childless woman 10 years his younger and 2 levels of education his superior for the last 3-4 years. The other has went through a few in the past few years, but notheless doesn't seem to have any problems finding prospects.
I suspect the real issue in a lot of cases is libido. It seems like the ones always talking about sex and such are the ones who find the most prospects, get married soonest, etc...
Whether that has a direct effect on the relationships themselves, causes one to become less discriminate in who they engage in relationships with, or simply causes one to look harder for potential life partners (or all of the above) I couldn't say. The one thing I *DO* know is that many of we later-model (CHILDLESS) bachelors seem to suffer from low to negligable libido AND have a hard time finding any prospects as well...maybe you're similarly afflicted.
As others have also said, maybe you need to focus less on the children. Love is strictly A-B; C has no place in it.
Just my $0.02 | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:04:29 AM | | I am single and do not have children, I have dated in two long term relationships with men that had children. The children were not the problem, the ex's were. There was more drama involving the ex and the kids than I care to remember. I would date someone with kids, but really prefer not to. It doesn't have anything to do with the kids it is all the extra strings attached. I was good to the children involved in my relationships, but really feel that so much energy should not go to maintaining the peace with the ex for the sake of the kids.............when I don't bring that kind of baggage to a relationship It is alot to ask me to deal with it constantly. I don't mean to offend anyone........just being honest.........there is no prejudice..........just preference. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/7/2008 7:00:40 PM | | I don't consider children to be baggage and commend fathers who choose to take full custody. In my experience, it's the ex's that cause problems and create unnecessary drama not the children; so a single father's relationship with his ex is an important factor I consider before deciding to get involved with him. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/7/2008 7:59:30 PM | I stay away from any man who must ceaselessly tell me how wonderful he is in every way, ad nauseum. He can count the many ways he is so wonderful. He has one favorite and only topic, himself. The kids are just a prop.
There are many more single mothers, yet, I don't hear many of them demanding a lamb be burned at her feet for all her self sacrifice, dedication, responsibility, and with an air of entitlement of never let anyone forget it for a second.
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/7/2008 8:37:22 PM | Funny, from my experience with single mothers thats not entirely true. My prior bad choice couldn't seem to function in daily life because of the stress of raising her single child which she shared 50/50 custody. I had my child full time and we even moved in together. I ended up being the one to cook dinner, clean the place, do the dishes and provide the entertainment as well as work at a stressful job.
Funny again that it didn't bother me through the beginning of the week but by the time the weekend rolled around and I wanted to do things we couldn't because she was to tired from her stressful work day.
She was the second single parent I dated and with several of my childs single mothers I would hear how difficult life was for them. I've done better in my life because of the responsibilites I have taken. I have gone further in my carreer. I got my degree. And even better... I understand children so much more then I thought I was capable of.
And since I'm in the same boat as the original poster I can say that I agree with him. For the longest time I had the fantasy that some caring wonderful women would see me completly clueless and beaten at some clothing store and rescue me from the agony of having no concept of what clothes to buy a young girl. Put me in an electronics store with a clueless and baffeled women and I would gladly help out but again... that never happens either.
And just so you can have your fun, I have 0 favorites. Don't think its because of my poorly written profile or that I have a child either. It's obviously because I am incredibly unattractive as I have not had more then 3 views in a month and have never had a reply to an email... Ok there was one that replied but she got mad at me because one of 3 pictures I had up was a few years old. I of course promptly took it down.
Make of it what you will. I really wish there was an answer to the question but like most questions about why people do they things they do; it's just because. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/7/2008 8:49:19 PM | | Often it is because where there are children there is an omni present ex. This can be a big turn off to some women. I'm not saying these are my feelings necessarily (totally depends on the guy) but I do know a lot of women that feel like that. Also it can be hard for someone who doesn't have children trying to fit into the life of someone who does since your lifestyles can be very different. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/7/2008 9:01:49 PM | Figment, I really do agree with you even if you are just my imagination.
I agree that a big problem is the ex. I have the same issue. I actually consider the seperation / custody agreement as a really telling insight into the character of the person you are with.
50/50 is best.
Massive Child support = run
Alimoney payments = run
Parental Alienation = run
Extenuating circumstances explaining why the other parent is not involved is totally acceptable and even if situation was really unpleasent could mean stronger and wiser.
I also can not figure out why the ex of a child is an off limits topic either. Definately not something frequent or highly detailed but it is seriously important to bring up (when appropriate). When someone is completly adverse to discussing what should have been one of the most important parts of their life and especially if its a major emotional drama that speaks more about the character of the person then how much they like to, like you know... hang at the beach... | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/7/2008 9:17:57 PM | I haven't dated a guy with kids yet, but it hasn't really been deliberate. I would consider it, but I would be on the lookout for some major red flags (for me that is):
How much free time does he have? Will he be able to do the activities that I love (weekend backpacking trips, hanging out at the pub watching the hockey game with friends, watching indie films, etc)? What about his ability to travel the world? What is the situation with the kids' mother? Is there a risk that the kids might become overly attached to me when I'm not yet that attached to my boyfriend? Is there a risk that I might become overly attached to the kids before I'm attached to my boyfriend? Will he always cater to his kids' wants and needs over mine? That last one is a deal breaker.
It just makes things complicated. So while I wouldn't exclude a guy with kids, odds are he is just going to have a lifestyle that is incompatible with mine. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/7/2008 9:31:20 PM | You answer is about as close to what I think would be the real answer to this thread. Your last dealbreaker point.
The only answer to that question should be a 100% yes. Why? Because they are human beings. The part you missed is that you have no idea what cater to his kids wants and needs actually means. If you think its because the spoiled brat wants his baba then maybe its not a bad thing that you would never date a parent.
Don't know about you but I think I just might end up a sociopath on the way to going on a spree killing if my parents felt that way about me.
Definately an incompatible lifestyle. Its fine if you can't handle/cope/deal with children. This is not the 50's. Your no longer expected to be a caring mothering nurturing person. I kind of wish the world wasn't like that but reality wins again.
Not trying to make you feel bad about your anwer. You are who you are and I'm sure your a great person. Just incompatible. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/7/2008 10:24:14 PM | Don't worry, you didn't make me feel bad about my answer. I know that my view is probably a minority opinion.
My personal view on families is that the spouse /sig other has to be the number one priority. I've just seen too many parents split up because as soon as they had kids one (or both) parents suddenly become solely devoted to their kids. It's like they forgot they were even in a relationship. They start neglecting each other's needs, sex undoubtedly starts dwindling away, mom is no longer shaving her legs or going to the gym, dad no longer writes romantic little notes and he starts staying late at the office, etc etc. Because little Johnny is in baseball, boy scouts, and is taking music lessons after school, mom and dad are so busy ferrying him around they no longer have time for "date nights". Not surprisingly, 5 years later they are miserable and weighing the pros and cons of divorce. But they stick together because it's "best for the kids".
I do think kids should come a *very* close second in terms of priorities. Kids should be considered in all decisions that are made. But I just believe that a couple who puts their relationship first and kids a close second is going to be much happier, they will have a stronger marriage, they are going to be better role models for their kids, and quite frankly I think their kids will turn out a lot better too. More kids need to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them.
My two cents.  | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/7/2008 10:48:28 PM | uggg, Now I'm getting all sad again.
What you said is again true. I don't get it. People just give up and its not the focus on the kids that goes wrong. It's giving up and treating the relationship as the least important part of life. If they really wanted to focus on the kids then the legs would be shaved, there would be a home gym, the romantic notes wouldn't get thrown in the trash. The kids are not the prince and pricess of anything and have 15 minutes to get to bed or else cause now its time for some parent time.
My list of priorities... if I wasn't single :-)
Relationship
Children
Work
Wife
Me
Everything falls apart without the relationship so no ones needs will ever be met. The children are your responsibility, legally, ethically, and morally. Without working you can't support your family and like it or not bills have to be paid. Wife is the partner of all of it and need to make sure she is happy. Then myself where I would hope my wife would want to make me happy. And yes that includes the Xbox, alone time, hobbies, quiet time, and some highly directed physical attention.
But if either me or the wife move themselves up or down then things become unstable and someone is going to go unfulfilled, unhappy, stop shaving their legs, cooking, and caring all together. Seems so simple but I guess there is a higher chance of me getting a divorce then of finding a date today. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/7/2008 11:30:19 PM | Aires, I just looked at your profile. I hate to say it, but it doesn't surprise me that you are having troubles finding a date. Why would a woman want to go out on a date with you when you sound like it would be about as much fun as a root canal?
This is not a criticism of you, just of your profile. I know this isn't a "critique my profile" thread, but hopefully you don't mind my giving you some advice.
First, take out all of the stuff about how women are turned off by single fathers and how some women have hangups with kids. Why does it matter what some women think? The only opinion that really matters is the woman who is reading your profile. And right now she is getting the impression that you are bitter and that you just don't think very highly of women period.
The part about how you used to not trim your hair for more than a year? It's not needed. And quite frankly, it makes you sound like personal grooming isn't your forte. That's never good.
Then you go on talking about how you can "cope" with life, and you want to share the "burden". Or how it reads to me: "Life sucks, but hey, I haven't killed myself yet so.. um... wanna come and suffer with me?".  Try to switch up some of those words with more positive ones. Maybe "enjoying" daily life would be better?
Good luck! | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/8/2008 2:42:14 AM | :- )
Yeah, it use to be all nice and happy go lucky. Didn't matter. No one read it then either. Yeah, maybe I should change it back to pre cynical, hope springs eternal (ok it wasn't that bad) days but really even then it didn't matter.
Hehe, You should have seen it a few days ago. I thought I would share why men shouldn't get married at no marriage dot com.
And maybe life would be better if women didn't think it was a bubbly happy place where the birds sing and every day is an achievment in bliss and then become overwhelmed stressed out and ensure that ever day is like living in a cell. :-) One of the most honest profiles I have ever seen on any site was from a women with a child that was severly sick. Why would it take something like that to make a realistic and honest person. So, yeah, I will probably change it. Nothing wrong with a little shine. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:52:53 AM | | Why women would choose to avoid single dads.? I personally have seeked the profiles of single fathers as I reakon you fellas could possibly relate to the commitment parents make as a whole - Any man willing to take this role on seriously is a man worthy of great respect - if u r doing a great job - not merely existing in the role..I don't believe women are afraid at all , so hang in there and don't take too much to heart aspade...My children will always come first in any relationship.I also believe there is a preying lotta dudes in the pretendy dad role wanting to attract women...perhaps this should become a new thread??? | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:59:14 AM | Wow.. single dad's facing the same concerns/heart aches as SINGLE MOM'S! I raised my girls alone-- and yes, dating was a bit difficult. Unfortunately, I say it was the men I chose to date. First, they knew from day 1-- I HAVE KIDS WHO REQUIRE MORE ATTENTION THAN A GROWN MAN SHOULD... especially at the dating level. Also, I found these men to be a bit "needy" for the wrong things. Over time, now that my kids are well-beyond 'baby-sitter required' ages, I see that some men are missing the point of a good relationship: QUALITY vs QUANTITY. That was the biggest problem I have faced: they complained about not being able to spend more time together. Even those I was serious with would decline an invite to dinner w/me and my kids and perhaps hang out and watch a movie. That was a red flag-- I'd say good bye at that point!
Above and beyond, yes, a single dad or a dad who is very involved with his children's lives is a turn on to me. There is a dimension to his heart/soul that other men may not have experienced yet (no kids) or refuse to love that profoundly--the "bad dad's".
Just keep looking single mom or dad....
Oh, I am certainly not black-balling the men or women who never had kids... they can also be awesome..... but to mix into a ready-made family requires a lot more work than any other relationship. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/9/2008 10:49:11 AM | I think single dads are hot. 
I like that they want to take care of their children.
I agreee with aspade completely.
Single parents should not have to miss out on adult company and conversation nor should we go to bed by ourselves.
Sometimes, I would like to be given the chance to be a woman before I am judge as unfit for dating because I have children. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/9/2008 10:55:18 AM | Sometimes, I would like to be given the chance to be a woman before I am judge as unfit for dating because I have children.
Hmm you should see how harshly you are judged as a woman who has never had ,and never wants any kids. You get that horrified look where they are looking at you like you are some freak of nature. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 7/9/2008 8:28:06 PM | | I don't think women are afraid. Many posters have posted my reasons already but MY main one is I haven't chosen to have kids yet so I don't want someone else's. Sorry, just don't. And when I do want a kid, I want to experience it with someone who has the same amount of time and dedication to our child and is experiencing parenthood for the first time with me. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 9/1/2008 5:56:27 AM | | I to am a single father and I think the problem is that we as single dad, or at least my problem has been, is that we have a huge focus on our kids. We don't tend to deal in alot of excitment anymore, which attracts alot of women. Single parent excitment is defined as "will there be a new episode of Spongebob on today." I know if I'd not bring it up in conversations or choose kids as a main topic of discussion it might be easier to go down the path of relationship rather than the "friend" path. I think the single father gig shows a big trait in guys, one of compation, loyalty, and responsibility. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 9/1/2008 6:53:14 AM | Here's why. Maybe some women like myself have experience in dating a single father with kids. And their experience was not so great. I was open to dating a man with full custody of 2 kids.
But he was hardly ever willing to hire a babysitter which makes a real relationship impossible - and made weekends all about the kids. He talked about his kids all the time - and they came first, to the point that I never felt special, and I always felt like it was him and his 2 kids against me. His kids had issues because of their mother - and projected those issues onto me and never gave me a chance. He had major baggage from issues with his ex which was still affecting the whole family - and he was not willing to truly love and give to a woman as a result. Everything was about protecting the kids.
So we're not afraid of you. There are just things single fathers have to learn to do and not do so they can make a relationship with a woman a priority in their life. They need to learn boundaries. | |
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| Why do women stay away from a man who chooses to be the single father.
Posted: 9/1/2008 8:37:21 AM | I don't have a problem with a guy having kids, but most people don't want me around their kids because I'm a bad influence. I don't care if they bring toads, snakes, or lizards in the house (though they have to go back outside eventually), I teach them how to stick out their tongue, and will make a little mountain on their head with the spray can of whipped cream. Mud is a great thing that all kids and adults should experience. If nothing else, the kids always like me. | |
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