| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/7/2008 3:04:28 AM | Meh...sorry...but this just doesnt cut it IMO
Men can do things to take their mind off what they were thinking about. If they're in a bad mood, they can do something else and not think about it, the mood passes, the poor mood is less important or irrelevant now. Your current mood and the issue don't match up, and you discard the issue. (Or you start thinking about the issue, and the mood returns as your mind synchronizes the event and the emotion. See, often, we really DON'T want to talk about things. Stop asking us to share our problems when we don't want to! )
Men have the ability to think about "nothing." Just relax, zone out, brain is not engaged. Many women ask "How can you not think about 'anything'. You're always thinking about something!" No, not true. Most of us have the ability to shift the brain into neutral. Some women can as well, and some men don't know this "nothing" thing. "What are you thinking about?" Not a damned thing. That answer seems to not satisfy. "Nothing" is an acceptable answer
Sorry I neither agree nor believe the above paragraphs...two reasons straight up...
The statistics of male depression and suicide rates say otherwise. Thats absolute bottom line in any argument to me when it comes to men's emotional strength.
However...on a more personal level...
...my own personal experience and interactions with men (my family is 50/50 gender...my career is male dominated...and my friendships female orientated but clearly I *date* men)...have shown me nothing except men obsess over and carry their "baggage" for a shitload longer than any woman Ive ever met.
Women vocalise it more...absolutely...but they move through it quicker and men carry it faaaaaar longer.
I DO believe men "cope" with things differently...but as far as obsessing over shit...men win hands down. And the more they attempt to "fill" their lives with other "stuff" and bandaid things...the longer they take and are often more volatile in everyday interactions including being irrational, aggressive, verbally abusive and bullying.
I also find men are far more sensitive than any woman Ive ever met and ...
...they arent even remotely as resilient as women or as their typically accepted gender identity JMHO. (all generalised) | |
|
| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/7/2008 3:43:39 AM | The past makes us who we are, it's been pointed out I just wanted to reiterate that. We can tell where we're going by taking note of where we've been.
I think men and women will both obsess over the past, the ones that say they don't usually just mean in the way you're talking about at the moment. Men will sometimes focus on a woman's sexual history for comptetive reasons, women will focus on relationship norms with the previous ex.
Some people say it's immature, I think it's human nature. We don't want to be second place to anybody and I know that there can be some pretty brutal people out there that can say something to the affect of their ex being their one and only, but you're pretty good too. If that don't make you insecure I don't know what will.
Anyway point is don't feel bad that you feel this way, but if the be all and end all of his responses is "the past is the past" he's not taking the time to address your issues, which means he's obviously not being compassionate to a need of yours. If he makes every effort to help you understand that the past is behind him and tries to help show you that you're more important, then yeah it's becoming your problems.
To the above post, it sorta feels like the world lacks compassion for weakness a lot of the time. There's no point in talking about our problems as men because then we're seen as weak and unnattractive, we bottle it up and the problems mount and depression can sink in. People are still taught that men are happier to not deal with problems though and shouldn't. | |
|
| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/7/2008 4:39:00 AM | Excuse this for digressing a little off the topic OP...
To the above post, it sorta feels like the world lacks compassion for weakness a lot of the time. There's no point in talking about our problems as men because then we're seen as weak and unnattractive, we bottle it up and the problems mount and depression can sink in. People are still taught that men are happier to not deal with problems though and shouldn't
I cant speak for every woman obviously...and men really should understand that not all women are capable of this as well...(cos Im not attempting to idealize women here...there are many women that lack empathy and compassion and I am even guilty of that myself sometimes but its through lack of comprehension not callousness)....
...but ...when a woman reallllllly and truly loves a man...what he shares with her...his innermost feelings...is the single most binding thing you can do with a woman.
And the truth is...men KNOW that too...which is why its soooo difficult for them to do it.
Sadly...what sometimes happens is...
...a woman may not understand upfront (this is human...and not neglective or representative of a woman's love for you)
...that its a communication thing ie. delivery & reception
...a man will often "hate" himself for being "weak" ...when its really nothing more than honesty. And you guys shouldnt hate yourselves. Its being too hard.
Women LOVE the "weaknesses" in a man as much as we admire their strengths. Your weaknesses ARE your strength.
THAT is attractive. And we want to be your safe place to fall. Atleast...thats what I hope *I* offer a man.
I do think too many women beat men into submission in as many women scrutinize a successful "Man" because she wants to see his flaws for her validation of him being human (beyond his own desire to be seen as a man).
Its all about balance...and choosing the right woman...and having faith in her that she *will* get it eventually even if she doesnt always get it right away.
We may be more emotionally intuitive as a gender...but we certainly arent perfect either ...
Just be the best that you can be...and let us love you for it.
Id rather my man talk of his shame...and his fears...and atleast allow me the chance to be part of it...than lose him for not trying. | |
|
| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/7/2008 7:21:50 PM |
The statistics of male depression and suicide rates say otherwise.
Oh... and what pray tell are the causes? Are you even slightly intimate with those causes?
Thats absolute bottom line in any argument to me when it comes to men's emotional strength.
You speak as if you were an expert on being a man. Yet, you aren't one. Good that I'm able to clear things up. | |
|
| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/8/2008 2:38:53 PM | It is not 'the past' that makes us who we are, but our individual thoughts and feelings about 'the past'. The strangest thing is not only that our memories are quite fallible, but we forget that every single person will respond to and remember a very similar (or even the same) event in a completely different way. We are quite capable of reprogramming our memories and the emotions connected to them.
We usually obsess about a 'past' that doesn't even really exist--not as we presently remember it or think about it.
I am definitely not one to obsess about the past. I am much more into living and enjoying the present. I believe in the Golden Rule and live my life by that code. Because of that I have had very few regrets--if any at all. I also believe that very few people do 'bad' things completely on purpose. Just doesn't leave me a whole lot to obsess about! | |
|
| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:51:29 PM | | It depends on the guy. Some guys (the ones with the healthy mindsets) are just like, "Meh, onto the next one." But there are many more with the chump-like mentality that can hold onto, pine after, and obssess over the same woman for years on end. | |
|
| |
| Are men better than women at not obsessing over the past?
Posted: 7/9/2008 12:14:34 AM | The statistics of male depression and suicide rates say otherwise. Thats absolute bottom line in any argument to me when it comes to men's emotional strength.
I bet you could easily explain away these statistics if you were to count attempted suicides. Men are way more likely to succeed in killing themselves, as they often choose guns, or violent self inflicted deaths. Women are more likely to try to OD, much higher survival rate.
Women, at least in this country, are socialized to be quite close to their family. Social ties would also be a big factor in whether one decides to eat a bullet or not. There are just too many variables here. I heard the Scandinavian countries have the highest suicide rates, I blame the weather. | |
|
Home
login 
