| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/5/2008 11:58:59 AM |
Most men have it harder than some women. You know what I'm talking about.
No... I don't. I think you are just trying to make it seem like you guys are the only ones trying.
Those who don't do the approach are always the ones demanding us to take the risk, or who criticize us for not going to "confident women".
Being confident and Liking myself enough to not put myself in an abusive situation are two different things. Like I said, I have never had a man "nicely" reject me. I am just finw if a man were to say "I am flattered, but not interested". But most my rejections could be confused for almost verable abuse.
and why to "shrug it off" is very hard to do
Yes, I know exactly how hard it can be. Which is why I said not to assume why men have it harder than women! | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/5/2008 12:17:41 PM | I am really glad to find this post. I wondered how being confident could detract rather then attract. It messes with anyone's confidence when they initiate and then are rejected - that goes for both men and women.
I am not arrogant, I don't think I am too good for the human race, I love people of all walks, I am easygoing and enjoy talking to people, all people. I can flirt and laugh and just enjoy others company. But I find that alot of men that I am attracted to (often the strong silent type - go figure) are alot more hesitant to put it lightly. Is this because of seemingly too confidant? Not that I can pretend to be different, I am me, I am not a wallflower but I am not the "star of the show" either.
I don't openly persue, I am not that bold. But I do initiate conversation, teasing, joking ect. and they will joke back but it rarely ever goes further. Is this fear of rejection or what? And how do I deal with this? Balancing showing a definite interest without appearing aggressive and pushy? After starting interaction, laughing joking ect - then what?
Now the bolder guys have no problem asking me out, but alot (not many, not all) are so arrogant I think that I will have too much competition for their attention (mainly with themselves). I enjoy the confidence without the huge ego.
I guess I just am seeing men talk about not risking due to being shot down, well giving up isn't the best answer is it? OHHH the frustrations of this whole romance/dating/ritual. So are we at stalemate? Everyone is afraid to being rejected so noone makes a move - except maybe sitting anonymously behind a computer.
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/5/2008 12:29:57 PM | confidence won't hurt as long you still convey warmth. which is an important part of male to female attraction. shyness is considered cute in women by many men as well, a lot shy facial expressions provoke feelings of protectiveness in men. It can be endearing, within reason.
so if you are strutting around in your power suit with a fake corporate smile plastered across your face, and the room becomes a bit chillier when you approach the door - all the confidence in the world what not make you more attractive. A shy smile from the same woman that shows she's human might do just that. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/5/2008 12:34:46 PM | Luke, No power suits here, and I am told by my girlfriend that all my male friends and guys in general we know adore me, find me attractive, funny ect.
I really have fun with them, warm, laughing, and even serious moments but mostly not. So how do I get past that shyness I see in them, it's almost like they are afraid to go further?!
It sucks too as a few I really am attracted to and am told it's mutual. Too aggressive? Too confidant? Not enough - crap I hate this confusion, that's why I just try to enjoy the hanging out and having fun and not pushing things.
It's not just men who struggle with this, not at all. We women do too. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/5/2008 12:43:33 PM | So how do I get past that shyness I see in them, it's almost like they are afraid to go further?!
Some people are just wired that way to an extent. I can be shy, if I know a girl likes me though that basically evaporates.
It sucks too as a few I really am attracted to and am told it's mutual. Too aggressive? Too confidant? Not enough - crap I hate this confusion, that's why I just try to enjoy the hanging out and having fun and not pushing things.
trying pushing things with one, see what happens. if it really is just shyness he might want you to make the first move. sometimes you have to be the brave one. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/5/2008 1:30:55 PM | Greyfield is spot on. People get confidence, arrogance, independence, etc., mixed up. Confidence is not being afraid to express who you are and being comfortable in your own skin and having proper boundaries. And it's about accepting others for who they are without judgment or trying to change them. (Acceptance doesn't mean you have to like them, or want to date them, or try to change them.)
In the last 100 years, women changed because we no longer needed to get married for survival. We can now "do" pretty much everything ourselves and/or make money to pay someone to do it. And since women's lib, a lot of us grew up thinking men wouldn't want us if we were useless and couldn't do anything. And not just coming from women's libbers. My dad used to tell me "don't rely on anyone". Unfortunatley, men and women grew up thinking we were "equal" meaning "the same". We're not the same. Men and women think and respond differently. We still speak a different language from eachother and don't even know it.
I used to not let guys "do" anything for me because I thought they would resent me for having to help me and they would think I was weak. Heck, I became a better man than most men. (lol) Guys liked me because I was cool to hang around. Yet I never got asked out.
Now I know that just because I'm capable of something doesn't mean I have to do it myself. It isn't weakness when I guy offers to do something for you, or opens the door, etc. It's his way of showing affection, and of being a man. I discovered that men won't offer if they don't want to do it. The best way for me to be feminine is to graciously accept his offer and appreciate him for it. That way we both win. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/5/2008 1:42:14 PM |
No... I don't. I think you are just trying to make it seem like you guys are the only ones trying.
That's mostly the case. Ok, let me explain: For every 100 men who do the initial approach, there is 1 woman doing it.
So, the few women who are brave enough, confident enough, assertive enough, whatever enough to do it, are suffering the same as most men. But those women who do the approach are mostly attractive enough and assertive enough to almost ensure that there will not be rejection or, if it happens, that it will be polite, not the scathing rejection most men will suffer. Get it?
Yes, you belong to the minority of women who have suffered bad rejections. A pity, but it doesn't mean your experience can be extended to all women, unlike of what happens to men.
BTW, I'm NO downplaying your suffering. I'm only saying that most women can't relate to it.
Being confident and Liking myself enough to not put myself in an abusive situation are two different things.
You misunderstood me. I was talking about the case when see a woman, but you can't see if she projects self-confidence or arrogance -since both of them have a similar aura-, so you assume that she's arrogant and do not approach. Yes, she may be self-confident, but why to risk it? | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:03:50 PM | itsme62 I appreciate what you wrote, I can definitely relate and am seeking better to have that wonderful balance you seem to have found.
I used to not let guys "do" anything for me because I thought they would resent me for having to help me and they would think I was weak. Heck, I became a better man than most men. (lol) Guys liked me because I was cool to hang around. Yet I never got asked out.
^^^^^^ Wow - definitely can understand this point. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/5/2008 9:44:28 PM |
OP: …the type of confidence where you know she feels so good about herself that she's able to be kind, that she's able to let her hair down, she's gracious, she's alive and full of life, she has a certain presence, but she also has a certain humility. know what i mean?
(yes, I do) That kind of confidence - grounded in self-acceptance, modesty, respect for others, generosity of spirit - does affect her level of attractiveness in my view. That kind of confidence is enormously attractive. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:46:05 AM | i think most women will agree a man's confidence can boost or lower his level attractiveness by a notch or 2 in our eyes. is the same true for men? if an attractive woman has very little confidence, does the man begin to see her as less attractive? conversely, if an unattractive woman is highly confident, does the man view her as more attractive? same for the average-looking woman, does her level of confidence affect her level of attractiveness in men's views?
It's like a man named Mystery said: "[It's not confidence, it's competence.]" If you're smart and you know how to talk to people, especially if you believe in equal treatment I think that that's attractive. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:05:22 AM | Very interesting ideas and opinions expressed.
What people often fail to realize though, is that their problem at
attracting a desired partner, is often something unrecognised to
them, and so they have come up will all manner of excuses!
If someone has approached so many people and been shot down,
I would say they should look at the reasons for this, and not the
manners or behavior of the other person!
I see it here, time and time again! All manner of people ALWAYS
expecting other people to change their behavior and even taste,
just to accommodate them! Sorry! That isn't the key to any success
at all! | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/6/2008 2:44:38 PM | I'm totally indifferent. However I will say this: confidence is WAY too overrated as a factor to look for in partners thanks to the likes of cosmo and sex and the city.
The word has been taken so far out of context in today's society I don't think many people actually know what it means anymore, but their potential partners MUST have it despite this.
All people have hangups, uncertainties and insecurities at times - I'm not going to judge someone or reject them purely based on the lack of their god like aura of "inner confidence".
I tend to find shyness or being a bit timid actually kinda cute. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:05:19 PM | Over the past few days I've been conversing with a woman that would actually make me consider a long distance relationship. We live about 500 miles apart but are both successful enough that the travel is no big deal. I've never clicked with anyone like I have her. I'm EXTREMELY attracted to her.
She has pretty much destroyed the attractiveness and the attraction in general because she dogs herself so much.
As far as being over confident goes, I find it comedic. The 400 pound nasty a$$ women that wear shirts like "future trophy wife" or the (relatively) little shorts that have the a$$ sayings and are some how convinced that they are hotter than Christina Aguilera are comedy gold. By the way, any woman that thinks they're hotter than Christina, no you're not | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/9/2008 4:48:43 PM | | Confidence is one thing, but it depends how it manifests, if she is too self-centered it will put me off completely. The reason is that she will probably think she is too good for me and will be far too popular with every other man. In fact it is unlikely I would even approach a women like that because I would expect her to give me the brush off. I actually prefer more timid but intelligent and sensitive women. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:21:42 PM | I agree that you may walk into a room with shoulders back and appear to be very confident. But all that shows is good posture, not necessarily confidence. I am confident in some ways and unsure in others. But , not afraid to ask for assitance when I need it. And not going to pretend to be unsure when I feel confidence.
However I think some men need dependant women in order to feel like real men. And a man who is confident in his own strengths and weaknesses can appreciate who you really are as well, a person with both strengths and weaknesses. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/9/2008 5:53:58 PM | Looked up confidence (for my own benefit included) and it means trust in a person or thing. Given that the subject of the confidence wasn't stated, I'm assuming OP meant both self and people they are involved with (especially as the 2 get to know each other better).
In this case, confidence is a must for me. If you can't even trust yourself how can I trust you? The same goes for trusting me, and I've seen what happens when you're with someone that is lacking confidence in me. I'll only take a woman that can take good advice when it is given and changes my mind when I'm wrong on something. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:13:55 PM |
f an attractive woman has very little confidence, does the man begin to see her as less attractive?
Not really, no. For one thing, most women have awful self-esteem to begin with, so this question is pretty much on par with "would you be afraid of being attacked by midgets on your first date?". For another, we're always our own worst critic... so I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt that they really don't see themselves as others do. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:52:18 PM | It depends on the situation and the guy you're talking about.
Generally, lack of confidence causes people to be inhibited and uncomfortable. Which makes them not fun to be around. So that can kill a woman's attractiveness.
But some guys who are into the power/control thing specifially look for women with no confidence because it plays into their own issues. They can control them and get them to do whatever they want a lot easier. It becomes a mutually dysfunctional situation for both parties. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:59:02 PM | | I've had alot of problems with inhibited and uncomfortable. I'm too shy at first for anyone who has to be taken all the way from can't start a topic to 100% themselves without proving me any assistance. I've also been not shy enough for some after breaking out of my shell. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/10/2008 5:54:39 AM |
If a man is ugly, well he's in for a rough ride, but the game isn't over, he can make lots of money or be famous.
If a woman is ugly, the ride is over. The whistle has blown. There is nowhere left to go. Sorry, that's all there is to it.
Oh the assumptions that are flying around this thread are a scary thing.
rock_hunter: I'm not sure where you're getting your statistics but something tells me they may not be completely legit.
As for the whole confidence issue, I'm sad to hear that confidence-- that is, the inner confidence and not arrogance or egotistical tendencies of the woman -- does not lend itself to attractiveness in the male gender's outlook. | |
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| curious: effect of a woman's confidence on attractiveness to men?
Posted: 7/10/2008 6:31:52 AM |
Oh the assumptions that are flying around this thread are a scary thing.
Scary doesn't mean less true.
rock_hunter: I'm not sure where you're getting your statistics but something tells me they may not be completely legit.
I can assure you my ass is a fully legit source. 
Seriously, that's simply what I've seen. I don't think anybody has ever gathered statistics for it.
As for the whole confidence issue, I'm sad to hear that confidence-- that is, the inner confidence and not arrogance or egotistical tendencies of the woman -- does not lend itself to attractiveness in the male gender's outlook.
Confidence will increase your attractiveness, but if it's not too high to start, perhaps even with this "oompf" it won't be enough. | |
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