| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/5/2008 2:55:46 PM | I have several friends that are exes and I would normally say that it is your issue but your situation is different.
Continuing to e-mail is not a big deal but if these are guys that she actually still sees for a lunch or drinks then while maybe not necessarily a lunch but drinks or some other type of socialization should include you. I have an X that lives 50 miles away. We stay in touch over the phone so I don't imagine I would ever "introduce" an SO but if we were in any way more socially connected it would not occur to me NOT to introduce them.
I also think it is strange that she didn't contact them for 9 months and now has and also, I really don't understand retaining an X as a friend if they seem to contribute nothing to your life, i.e. if they were friends they would have had a communication pattern throughout your relationship because she would have missed them. I guess it is possible that she did miss them and waited to contact them until she felt you were comfortable and trusted her.
She may as others have noted, need a great deal of affirmation relative to attractiveness and worth. If she is someone you truly believe you can trust and these relationships function for her the same way harmless flirting does with others, don't worry about it. Your other option is to figure out why and try to discuss this with her, i.e. she needs the attention, etc.
Is it possible that things are going too well and it is freaking her out and she is trying subconsciously to sabotage your relationship before something real actually goes wrong? | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/5/2008 3:11:15 PM | | I have met one of these guys so thye are not secrets but the fact that they wouldn't stay in contact if it wasn't for her contacting them states to me that they are NOT friends in any sense of the word. She cannot see that and says she enjoys spending time with these people as she gets on with them (you don't say!!). In my mind all she was to them was a bit of tail when they wanted it and she had strong feelings for one of these guys but he never thought of her like that yet she still contacts him?! Things are going very well between us until this came along - these people are her past and i see myself as her future, surely anyone with any sense would cut contact and enjoy their new life with someone who wants them for more than sex...... | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/5/2008 3:22:47 PM |
surely anyone with any sense would cut contact and enjoy their new life with someone who wants them for more than sex...... Yes.
these people are her past and i see myself as her future If I were you I'd ask her which she prefers, the past or the future.
If she can't let go of them maybe it's time to let her lose to indulge in the attention I'm sure she'gets from them, why else are they important?
You also say she had strong feelings for one of the guys. It seems like those feelings might still be there. I wouldn't be surprised if she gave in if he suggested a romp, in hopes of him caring more for him than he says.
And the risk of it already having happend is very large.
I think she is disrepecting you big time. | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/5/2008 3:55:26 PM | OP... I usually do not get involved in these kinds of threads...
I looked at your profile... If it bothers you so much that your girlfriend is seeing her ex's and they are her "friends", why are you on here seeking female friends?
Is it to try to make her jealous?...
I am confused. You are both lucky to have a decent relashionship but both are seeking "friends" outside your relashionship. It eludes me. I realize that in relashionships a couple needs time apart but not in this manner... Maybe I am too old fashioned...
I mean, am I to understand that you two "love" each other but are not friends?...
It amazes me... Here I am, spending an other Saturday evening by myself, which is ok. Not the best but ok, responding to forum to a man that has a significant other... 
Then again, my life is sometimes a circus act...
Are you in the mood to laugh?...
I was invited to a wedding where the groom invited most of his exes as his guests and many went. One I know, had sex with the groom, the man that accompanied her had sex with her obviously, but the man that accompanied her also slept with most of the groom's exes present at the wedding. Basically, from what I understand, everyone had sex with everyone else, maybe except the bride...
On a side note, both of those men, (the groom and the ex's date), tried to seduce me at one time or an other... The groom was so bold as to actually, show me his penis while he was peeing. The room had two doors on seperate walls giving access to the bathroom. I was in the lobby sort of and his fiançée at the time was in the sort of kitchenette... opposite angles. (The door sort of facing the kitchen was closed but the one facing the entrance was open. Which is where I was as I entered.)
His fiançée is asking me how I take my coffee and he is "stroking" his other brain while smiling at me in a naughty way through the mirror... My other grilfriend was at the kitchen table pouring herself a cup of tea... 
Without a word of a lie, I pretended I saw nothing and answered, "cream only"... of course I giggled... What could I say... black only... (The man in question is black.)
Anyway... you had to be there...
I just could not go to the wedding... It was just too weird for me... On top of that, the bride is extremely jealous... Go figure!!! L'amour, toujours l'amour!!!
It baffles me... If anything follow your heart. Apparently, it knows best... Yea right... Heard that one before also...  | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:04:44 PM | Your e-mail restrictions would not allow me to speak with you directly so I am reiterating something from my previous post that is perhaps more germane than I thought given your repost and the implication that this woman has never really had a man treat her decently.
Is it possible that things are going too well and it is freaking her out and she is trying subconsciously to sabotage your relationship before something real actually goes wrong?
Many people that have nothing but bad relationship histories tend to be so afraid of losing what they have that without consciously doing it, they start behaving in ways that will surely kill the relationship. I think rather than worrying about what she is doing, you need to focus more on why she is doing it. If she has self-esteem issues, she may not think anyone can love her enough to keep treating her decently and stick around.
You might mention that you don't have problems with her having male friends but that you think she deserves a better caliber of friends than these guys. If you phrase it that way, you are not telling her dump the guys or we are finished (which is the message if you merely push for her to dump these particular guys), you are suggesting that if she is going to have male friends, that they be real friends to her instead of the type of people that use others and give very little in return. | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/5/2008 7:34:22 PM | In my mind all she was to them was a bit of tail when they wanted it and she had strong feelings for one of these guys but he never thought of her like that yet she still contacts him?!
You said it your self OP, he considered her a FWB and told you he wouldn't have even stayed in contact with her if she wouldn't have contacted him first. It sounds like she wanted more, was hoping for more, and isn't ready to give up the hope whether he feels the same way or not. Or she is maybe hoping he will change his mind and want more from her in the future.
I think you need to to have a heart to heart with her to find out exactly how she feels about him. To me it doesn't sound like she is ready to move on and probably still has strong feelings for him.
Yes, I do believe you can be with friends with someone of the opposite sex as long as there has never (and never will be) any desire from either party to have a physical relationship. But she did with him and to me it just doesn't sound like she has put that relationship in the past and is ready to move on. | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/5/2008 10:55:15 PM | | Why is she wantin g to do things with them after 9 months i would be worried , if she had kept in contact with them from the first time you meet than i would say you have no right to worry but 9 months later yes worry. people dont expect to change people but if thier is an abruput change? If thier is smoke thier is fire. | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/6/2008 4:13:46 AM | | Hi, If she had a child with this ex then you can understand that they may be friends, but as this isn't the case I cannot understand why she is doign this especially when she knows it is hurting your feelings. I know you do not want to stop her seeing her friends hunni but why should you put yourself through this pain, she needs to decide who is important to her and if it her ex partners then you need t decide if you can se a future with her. All the best by the sounds of it hunni I think you should walk away if shes not prepared to think of you and your feelings xx | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:28:03 AM | | Firstly I'm on here after so long to get advice - i'm not seeking female friends as my profile states as i'm only back to get others opinions as POF is a very helpful forum. It is a weird situation and apart from this we have a great relationship and I honestly dont think she is interested in these guys in that way now judging from the tone of her emails etc... but it still feels a bit strange none the less!! She insists that she would never cheat on me (I know... but time will tell) and shes them as only friends and they only were intimate when she was single and alone and had needs. She states that if I trust her then there shouldn't be a problem but i don't know if I can live with that as i'd always be wondering when they were out together..... Think its one for me to decide as she can't see the issues here - thats why I've been questioning my sanity!!! | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:30:51 AM | | I agree with you. I know for facts that if they are only comming around for their needs and she can't see that then she needs to work on herself esteem. I don't believe you can help her see that though. The problem is that you are already invested and you can't change her. She will have to get hurt and maybe even lose you since this is what she is risking to try to make herself feel like she has friends. Somehow she needs to learn that friendship is a 2 way street. Once you have crossed the line into a relationship it is hard to back down to friendship. It seems like the men in her life who back away seem to try to respect your relationship with her and that is good. Why she can't see that is beyond me. She needs to look forward and not backward. If she continues to stay in the past and you allow that then maybe you need to check out your motivation of why you need someone who thinks they need someone else in their life as well? If you are her main squeeze then she needs be show you by respecting your feelings. Somehow the younger generation seems to think they can have friends of the opposite sex and go out and do things with them and it will lead to know where. But in this day and age there is more divorce than ever and just because they show it on tv does not make it ok. I have had frienship go too far and I never intended it to be a deeper relationship. It doesn't matter whether you are male or female if there is an attraction there at one time and you think you can keep it going by being friends and moving on to someone else I would wonder why you need that? Would she feel the same if you did that??????? Midget01 | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:31:34 AM | Firstly I'm on here after so long to get advice - i'm not seeking female friends as my profile states as i'm only back to get others opinions as POF is a very helpful forum. It is a weird situation and apart from this we have a great relationship and I honestly dont think she is interested in these guys in that way now judging from the tone of her emails etc... but it still feels a bit strange none the less!! She insists that she would never cheat on me (I know... but time will tell) and shes them as only friends and they only were intimate when she was single and alone and had needs. She states that if I trust her then there shouldn't be a problem but i don't know if I can live with that as i'd always be wondering when they were out together..... Think its one for me to decide as she can't see the issues here - thats why I've been questioning my sanity!!!
Dont question your sanity, she needs to make a decision and so do you. If ya want this type of uncertainty then carry on but it isnt looking good is it really. I mean if she knws how much this is affecting you then she shouldnt do it. xxxxxx | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:46:28 AM | Ok... Then let it go... This issue is settled...
I keep having reservations though...
Scenario 1... You have a disagreement and you have a good fight. (Yes, that happens in committed relashionship. It is not the conclusion of the disagreement that is important it is the way both partners deal with it...)
She is pissed... She gets a call for the ex that she still has feelings for... (I bet you dollars to donuts that his e-mails are suggestive...)... She vents to him. Any man knows that a pissed off women is a high potential for hot make up sex. Sooooo who will get the hot make out sex ? You or her ex... Just wondering...
The word temptation comes to mind... It is like putting all kinds of sweet treats in front of someone who is on a diet...
Scenario 2... You are working on a special project and you have to put in long hours. She is bored out of her mind... She goes out more and more with the ex she has feelings for... I only speak for myself... Again... She will vent to him saying you are never home and you do not pay attention to her... blah blah blah... Then... again, she still has feelings for him remember?... A moment of passion... unpredictable moment of high sexual energy... Who will get that?...
Temptation...
I wish you the best, but are you really sure you can deal with the issues that may occur outside your committed relashionship without having to worry about the constant high maintenance on the personal side?...
Seems to me that you need a WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE.
I am not judging her, I am just trying to convey to you that I am not sure why she NEEDS those guys around...
Maybe on a short term agreement, you could both agree that you are both present when she had a "dinner date" with her exes... They are just friends, right?...
Maybe it is a woman thing... But if the situation was reversed, I could not cope. My boyfriend would go out with an ex girlfriend he still has feelings for and even though he does not send any "flirtatious" e-mails, she does... I would not be comfortable with that at all...
I know what I would do... I would open the door very very wide and give him every opportunity to "cheat" and see if he remains faithful... Basically, I would see it as his loss not mine... Think about this... If he cheats, they deserve each other and it most likely will not last...
It all boils down to this...
Are you settling?...
Are you in "time zone" where you WANT to play the role of husband and father?... You see yourself getting older... She "seems" like the best catch for the time zone you are in in your life?...
Utimately, it is your choice... I do wish you the best...
PS... If you were my son and I saw you going through that... AND you still married her... I would most likely become the most miserable mother in law and think of the possibility of the grandchildren... Would you be 100% sure that they are yours?...
I would not want to get attached to grandchildren that is not of your blood line...
Believe me... It happens... | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:55:33 AM | Thanks for the chuckle amidst all the angst!
And as for my advice to the poor guy who's wondering what to do....Dump 'er. Tough to deal with in the short term, but better off in the end. And I predict an end. Don't wait 'til she wastes more of your time. I would hate to see you hurt even worse, and possibly become bitter....even if the bitterness is short lived. She oughtta be grateful to have you. She sounds a little psycho to me. | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/6/2008 6:12:22 AM | Hmmmm.... Op? You really are in a pickle here. Keep in mind, ex's are ex's for a reason. In my way of thinking..... No Way !! And she contacted them?? Good lord !!
A woman who is about to become a wife and is desperately in love with her fiance' is not out looking to have lunch or anything else with someone she has had sex with before. Come on, use your grey matter on this one. Why in the world would she, Really, want to get back in touch with an old lover?? No reason in the world at all !!!!! If she's committed to you......... the exlover should have no attraction at all for her !!
You are in some deep trouble here. She wants to have her cake and eat it too,for lack of any other words to describe it. I saw the other post about leaving the door wide open and giving her a chance to leave............ You need to tell her you are not comfortable with all of this and that you will not be able to deal with her being "friends" with exlovers........ Good Lord Man............. Most men have that "Hachacha" on their minds when an old flame contacts them anyway. Tell her !! You deserve a woman that is REALLY committed to you and the marriage !! And that door??? She might want to use it for good if she can't see what she's doing.....Then again you might want to tell her that she HAS to use it if things don't change.
Really OP, I think you know, This is a No Brainer here...... either she's with you all the way, committed and all, or she has to forget the marriage and stay friends with the other men. For me, at least, there is no Gray area here, Do the right thing or Split !!!
Blonde | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:10:59 AM | I dont think it is a good idea to have close relationships with friends of the opposite sex (esp. ones with a history) once you are married or planning it unless they are priests or gay I agree with the "bull pen" comment, OP. | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:55:19 AM |
apart from this we have a great relationship But that part is huge and diminish the "great".
I honestly dont think she is interested in these guys in that way now judging from the tone of her emails How did you come across those e-mails? Did she show them to you? If so, yeah..of course she's only going to show you the one's that are innocent. If she has written others, she has of course deleted them.
From your first post:
I've seen emails from this one guy who is very suggestive and flirty If that was me in her shoes. I would tell my "friend" that he is disrespectful of you and tell him to lay off. I have not seen you mention that she has done that. If she had, he would probably not want to be her "friend" anymore. She is also disrespectful to you if she doesn't tell him to lay off.
She insists that she would never cheat on me
nd shes them as only friends and they only were intimate when she was single and alone and had needs. She is working very hard to keep these people in her life and disregards your discomfort. I think that is the main issue here.
There is a reason why she wants these guys in her life.
I think someone else mentioned that if they contributed something to her life it's understandable that she'd want to keep them in her life but all they really want is to get into her pants. It doesn't matter if she says it won't happen. Why are they so darn important to her? I'd be mad if I were you.
It is disrespectful to you. Don't be a fool. | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/6/2008 7:55:43 AM | | I wouldn't worry about it very much if you trust her....everyone should have friends of their own....keep your mouth closed on the subject and your eyes open for any signs that things are changing in you relationship......I have a few really good female friends who have told me they have better much better friendships with men than with other women...as one put it "men actually talk about really interesting stuff.....most women just gossip" | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:18:49 PM |
I have a few really good female friends who have told me they have better much better friendships with men than with other women...as one put it "men actually talk about really interesting stuff.....
That's true, I remember my Ex' s always enjoyed talking after we had sex.... often about their relationships.... | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:30:40 PM | | OP if what you say is true (that neither or any have been in contact for 9 months) then I would think it a little strange for her to suddenly feel the need to renew the friendship. Maybe she just feels the need to regain some outside interests, or maybe she is just craving some attention, or maybe she's making her mind up between all of you before she finally decides to marry you. Either way, I think you have reason to be a bit miffed, because if she had any thought for your feelings she would see how this sudden change could be hurtful to you. Think of it this way, would she be happy if all of a sudden you rang up your x's and started to meat them for lunch? | |
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| My fiancee is in contact with ex lovers as friends...
Posted: 7/6/2008 11:31:33 PM | | If you are not included then it is not right, she was attracted to them at one time and in a weak moment anything could happen. I think you need to make rules and if she does not agree then you know what you have to do. Don't let her be so disrespectful to you. | |
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