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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/16/2008 5:54:38 AM | WannaCstars...I have to disagree with you.
Practicallyperfect in my opinion did give good advice. I think you misunderstood her.
She wasn't suggesting lying to the child, just not saying what a dog he was/is.
That will serve no purpose except to make the innocent child feel badly and question him/herself.
Dad bashing is HIGHLY frowned upon by the courts and FOC.
As much as I would love to bash my ex to my children...I know it would serve no purpose, they've seen it, they hear him bash me, they hear his gf bash me...they come home and repeat it to my friends and family, they used to hide it...but it bothers them so now they have an outlet for their anger and have no clue I know.
Who do you think it makes look like the better person? Him? Not a chance!
When my boys are old enough I am sure they will stop going there but for now they have no choice by court order...
complain to FOC and it gets me no where, I am told he has his rights.
Bash him back and it will make me look no better.
My children know the truth...they saw what he did, what caused the divorce...
he absolutely hates that...
so I just smile and when they come home after their weekend from him or the longtwo weeks in the summer...
I just hug them and give them all my love...they know it'll be okay here at home....
no drama, no harsh angry words about a loser dad...just love for them, he's not in our lives here and I can hear the sighs of relief in their bodies | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/16/2008 6:04:11 AM | now that's what i'm talkin about girlfriend...love makes the world go round'  | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/16/2008 6:36:02 AM | Giving children information they dont need is bad for them.. its not lying to NOT tell them
Imagine sitting my 12 yr old down and saying: ... "now your daddy loves you and all but he lied and cheated on me.. thats why i divorced him"..
If my son looked me in the eye and asked me why my marriage ended... I can cleanly say "Mom and Dad dont LIKE each other... , in fact there were alot of tears..... So basically, we are smiling now that we are apart.. makes me be a better mom",.
Thats not a lie. | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/16/2008 2:35:26 PM | | I haven't read any comments since yours Wannacstars, but will go back later. You misunderstood what I was saying. If a father isn't available to his children like the mother wants him to be, eventually, the kids will figure out who was there and who wasn't, no matter what is said about him. I'm not suggesting the father be beat down in conversations to the children. My mother always said, if you can't say anything good about someone, say nothing at all. You can't force a father to be one. It will only cause heartache for all involved when he chooses not to be. | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/16/2008 2:37:49 PM | | And by the way, my statement was 'the kids will figure it out in the end', not 'let them figure it out.' | |
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| Pregnant and alone
Posted: 7/18/2008 7:39:04 PM | Resist the temptation to talk badly about him in front of the child. Your kid will figure it out on his own. Trust me on this.
No where did I say lie to the child. Give honest answers, without prejudice and without passing judgment. Children can figure out Daddy's character without hearing your opinion, based on their interactions (or lack of) with Daddy.
You may think Daddy is a piece of dog s**t, but you do not have to tell your kid that. Nor do you have to make Daddy out to be some wonderful golden boy. As I said, your kid will figure it out on his own.
My son's father moved to Texas before our son was born. He was never around. Children ask questions. One question being, "Where is my Daddy?" The truthful answer: "Texas" (and later, Arizona).
Said child then begins drawing pictures of cowboys, and horses, and the desert, and stage coaches, and the pony express.
"Daddy lives in Texas, doesn't he?"
"Yes, baby, Daddy lives in Texas".
Child then asks no more questions until child sees TV report showing Texas as having big modern cities and airports and cars and trains, etc.
"They don't have the Pony Express in Texas anymore, do they?"
"No, baby. They have airports and cars and buses and trains."
"Why doesn't Daddy come to visit then?"
"I don't know."
"Is it because of me?"
"No baby. It's because of me."
"What did you do?"
"I don't really know."
"Did you love Daddy?"
"Yes."
"Did Daddy love you?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
"Does Daddy love me?"
"How could Daddy not love you? You're his son."
"Why doesn't Daddy ever call me? Why doesn't Daddy come to see me?"
"I don't know."
Fast forward to said child being 22 years old.
"I'm gonna go on a road trip out west. Would you care if I see Pat?" (Note that child no longer refers to father as "Daddy")
"No, that's a good idea. The phone number is in the address book in the drawer."
Fast forward to return home from road trip.
"Mom! What the heck were you doing with that guy? What a loser!"
"That's too bad son. I'm really sorry his life turned out to be sh***y"
"Boy am I glad that I'm not like him!"
"I am too."
Susiesunshine was right on when she said:
the kids will figure out who was there and who wasn't
And I forgot this piece of advice: When you actually happen to get that once in a blue moon child support check in the mail, invest it in some up and coming business like Apple or Microsoft or Yahoo. Helps pay for things like road trips out west and college tuition.
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