| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:48:22 AM | I understand how this can be frustrating. However, if you have expressed that you do not want to hear about his exes and he still does............I would guess that he is not over her.
This is a big turn-off for me and to me is a red flag. It "tells" me that they should probably deal with whatever they have not gotten over and then consider moving on (dating).
It is disrespectful to you. Try talking to him again and if he keeps this up then you have to make a decision.
Best,
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:49:37 AM | | wow, just tell him, enough is enough, please stop this or i cannnot continue to see you any longer. move on already, lets start something new together..if he refusus, you have to walk away | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 8:59:30 AM | Well OP, you seem to have been offered some very sageous advice & I can think of nothing to really add here. But am commenting because I understand this experience as well. I don't think (given our experiences) that talking about an ex is uncommon or a real problem, unless (such as in your case) it sounds like an obsession. Obsessing is never good on any subject esp so in the case a love interest - it can be very demoralizing on too many levels to be good for anyone involved.
Personally, I would not tolerate it after telling the person that this needs to stop or that it is not a subject I care to continue... best wishes to you.
cata | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:00:31 AM | | Oh deary me this doesnt sound too good, I can imagine its very frustrating for you, I think I would of gone barmy actually, I mean if hes in a realtionship with you then surely he must be over his ex right?? If you and he were just friends then that would be different but as you are more than that this does sound quite alarming. You need to find out if he still holds a torch for these ex's as if he does then its not fair on you to carry on with this relationship it really isnt. I still talk about my ex partly cause I still love him and I am trying to move on as quickly as I can but it is difficult and I talk about him cause I hate what hes done to me and the kids and everyday there is summit else that hes said or done etc but I am not in a new realtionship so thats why I do it. Good luck and I hope it sorts itself out soon xxxx | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:03:25 AM | | Sorry, but you have to kick him to the curb. There are too may people in this relationship and you are not one of them. If he needs to vent every time he sees you, you should be charging him by the hour for therapy. He definitely has unresolved issues and there's going to come a time when he forgets who he's with and takes some of them out on you. I don't mean physically, but verbally or- as most men do- shutting down for no good reason you can think of. Get on with your life. This is not the man for you. He's more like a little boy! | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:14:35 AM | You didn't mention anything you liked about him... maybe you look for guys that need some "adjustments"?
Whether he's just a negative person, still hung up on someone from the past or whatever -- if you don't like him the way he is, forget it. | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:15:02 AM | Frau Blücher: It was, like, she became, like, aware of, like, every time she, like, said the word “like”.
Ooooh, hilarious. (Dare I say I really like this??) Will have to, like, try this on my, like, teenage nieces. Love the code word, too. "If it's not Scottish, it's CRAP!" | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:17:27 AM | | The only way to deal with it, is to kick his butt to the curb. Sorry, but he's not over his ex. You're putting way too much effort into this, and you're probably hoping he'll change. He has to want to change his behavior. When you've told him time and time again, to quit talking about the ex, and he doesn't. He's the one with the problem. Time to let him go and start fishing again. | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 9:24:24 AM | | I have a policy. I won't date anyone who is less than one year from their last relationship (not date, relationship). If they wish to talk about their last relationship, they are still in it. | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:06:15 AM | Oh boy, this is a horrible situation!! Been there, done that, built the bridge and written the song! An ex of mine who I was with for 4 years banged on about his ex wife constantly, day and night, over and over again. They had been divorced for 6 years!!!! It was an obsession, almost like a hobby of his to b*tch about her. Unfortunately (for him) she is the mother of his son, so will always been in his life in some way. He even used to start b*tching about her when we were in bed together, it was a bloody nightmare!! Nip this in the bud asap and at the end of the day if he can't respect you enough to listen to you and stop constantly talking about his exes, then he doesn't deserve you .... next!!!!  | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:16:58 AM | gee, do you 'think' it screams of unresolved issues.
darlin', you not only got a new man...you got a whole new family
Wishing the best to all five of you.
You're a good lookin' ear for a big baby boy.
but, don't kick him to the curb yet...I mean, you've only been hinting to him for months that his infantile behaviour irritates you.
Hey, he might change....
maybe....
i mean, there's a chance, right?
Sorry to hear of your situation, it's what happens when people don't work on clearing up their own sh1t before landing another victim.
Ultimately, the choice is up to you, and I'm not saying it's an easy one...but that's one weird Brady Bunch there.
good luck
Kimbo | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:26:02 AM | If he (or she) can't stop talking about their ex, then they either aren't over their ex, or they've got some serious baggage concerning them that they aren't willing to get rid of anytime soon. My ex would constantly talk about HER exes, and not in a good way. But when I told her I had heard enough about them, she said "I'm not really talking about them, I'm talking about my own past and things I've gone through, and they happened to be part of it."  There's a difference between telling me that you saw someone hold up a movie theater, and telling me that they held up a theater you were at with your ex on your two year anniversary after he took you to Red Lobster. | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:45:03 AM |
Thank you ALL so much, you are all so spot on with your advice and Im certainly taking it on board, you have given me much food for thought and now I will have more tools available to me in how to manage this. Thanks for your time
Girl, can you tell us some good reasons you are continuing to see this guy?
My personal feeling is that there are TONS of decent,even GREAT guys out there who've dealt with their "ex" issues, or at least have compartmentalized their previous relationship,and are making healthy progress in detaching. Why not find one of them?
That being said, if you know in your heart of hearts that this guy is very likely the love of your life, and you can deal with his "ex obsession" then by all means grit your teeth and hang in there!
But set some boundaries...you are NOT a psychiatrist, or a lawyer, or Ann Landers/Dear Abby, therefore the time you spend with him WILL BE spent in activities and conversations about something(anything!) that has nothing whatsoever to do with his "ex issues".
It does sound like he could do with some trained assistance with his unresolved anger and grief,and that much I would wholeheartedly advise you to encourage.
Cindy O | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 10:50:52 AM | ~OP~ I had the misfortune of a str with someone who was obsessed with putting his wife on a pedestal. Oh dear me ~ that ran it's course with me very quickly. "She is an amazing person" "she was a great wife" "she is the BEST mother" blah blah blah....why the hell aren't you still with her?  This woman allowed him to cheat repeatedly (and yes she knew,) the house was a holy filthy mess, she was a mess and they routinely had knock-down-drag-out battles. WTF???? Finally, I just stated the obvious, "You need to go back to *****. This is over."  And then it began ~ phone calls, texts, "but I love you" yada yada yada.  I left and never ever once spoke to him again. It was the only time I have been with someone romantically and not remained friendly. It simply wore me out hearing about her constantly and it was pure bs. You deserve better ~ and it most likely won't get better! JMO  | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 2:49:06 PM |
Unfortunately (for him) she is the mother of his son, so will always been in his life in some way.
While I am guilty, too, I found that I often get detail questions, even if I say I don't want to talk about it. "So how is your custody case coming along?" "Does his mother work?" "Are you on friendly terms now?" (And if I say 'no', it is followed by 'why not?')
It may seem that the guy keeps talking about it, but perhaps the woman should not ask. I will try to enforce the no-talk-about-the-ex-ever rule on my next date and see how that goes. I bet it will raise just as many red flags: Secrets, not open, not sharing his life,... And it will likely come down to the same suspicion: Perhaps he still has feelings, relationship not over, yada yada.
So, as a man who HAS to deal with an ex-wife in some form, you get to choose whether you answer questions honestly (and talk about your past) or shroud yourself in mystery (by not talking about your past). The new woman will find a way to hold either behavior against him. BTW, you can apply the same scenario to women, only that they more often are in a better position (having the child, getting child support and having more legal rights), so they don't have as much sh!t to deal with. | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:00:37 PM | I was guilty of this on a date I went on a few months after my last relationship ended. I didn't realize I'd been talking about the ex so much but in hindsight, I think I did it because it was the first opportunity I'd really had to vent and process anything. I was really on my own with nobody to talk with about it, and unfortunately, my date was my captive audience. ::sigh:: I'm happy to say, however, that that is the only instance where I've done that.
As to your question, what you are beginning to do is what I would do ~ refuse to participate in those conversations. As soon as he starts in, "Sorry, but I need to hang up now, as I just am not willing to listen to this." You are correct about him having unresolved feelings; he clearly has lots. And as someone else said, what you're now hearing is what he will be saying about you down the road (should you part). One thing to look for when getting to know someone new is how they speak of former partners, how they speak of their mom's, and how they treat people in general.
Hope it all works out the way you want it to. | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/9/2008 7:36:35 AM | dumped  Had enough, I did indeed take everyones advice on board by the way, and certainly said many times, case closed, no more discussion about it and he didnt listen anyway, and his reaction? I was paranoid and immature, yes Im still laughing lol....ah well, now he will bag me, ho hum, such is life lol | |
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| Talking about exes...what do you do when he wont stop?
Posted: 7/10/2008 12:15:40 PM | What are you doing staying in the relationship with him for this long??? He is dis-respecting you when he doesn't listen to you when you ask him to stop talking about his exes. You should of had to only tell him once to stop. Told him many times to stop and hasn't... so sad reality is he won't change. You dealt with this longer then should have.... just leave him cause you deserve better and clearly he has unresolved issues and isn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone right now... I would suggest to him if he doesn't want to remain single for the rest of his life that he shouldn't talk about his exes all the time...
I think eventually into a relationship it is ok to tell about your expierences with exes and why broke up but just a short version... only continue if he or she ask you questions about it. | |
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