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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:33:47 PM |
she said she thinks she's depressed and wants to see a psychiatrist
So did she go? Did you go for family counselling? Maybe it is too late for your marriage, but geez, if she is depressed, you could be putting her over the edge. Do you want to live with causing so much drama? If she has a doctor, I would talk to him before letting her know you have had enough. If you are living at her parents, seems like you should tell them too. They didn't just have her living with them, but you were there also. | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:36:42 PM |
if she is depressed, you could be putting her over the edge. Do you want to live with causing so much drama?
Excuse me? Classic codependent thinking there. He is not responsible for her feelings, first of all. As for her depression, I would guess it's directly related to the fact that she was cheating on her husband! Doh! She chose the behavior, she is choosing the consequences. All the OP is responsible for is himself; she's a grown up and gets to deal with her own life as such. | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:36:51 PM | she's been having and affair since October, you say.....and it's not just physical for she says she loves him.
it's now 10 months since October - so most of this past year she has been deceitful with you - and even though you've known for some time something is very wrong, you decided to wait until you had proof it seems to confront her.
i don't know, OP. seems to me you are trying to make yourself out to be the perfect person here and she is the only one who has acted wrongly. yes, of course she is wrong to have started and be having this affair. she is clearly wrong for that.
and yet your slate isn't completely clean first because (couldn't help yourself, you say) you opened and read her email even if it was logged on. perhaps she left it like that for you to find, hoping you would because she didn't have the courage to tell you.
or perhaps since then she realized she just could not continue seeing him (as so often happens the way timing is and all), or maybe you were not courageous enough to listen to your guts and start ending the relationship before you could blame her completely for the breakdown of your relationship.
i do not approve of having affairs. i believe they are always completely destructive to all they touch, directly and indirectly.
i also believe all problems in a marriage are the responsibility of the marriage also and not just the individuals....meaning you both somehow created this situation that has resulted now in a pretty obvious path that has no happy ending together - not unless you both are prepared to really do some serious internal work individually and together and only if you both wanted deep in your hearts and souls more than anything else for your marriage to continue with new rules - with new commitment.
i get the feeling neither of you are anywhere near that level of love and commitment....
and so, as most have said here, it is time to walk away.
she does not need a big explanation and confrontation from you - you know she will defend herself and it will become a terrible argument that is not necessary.
when she asks why you have left, it is because of her affair - plain and simple.
as others have said she can't cash the check without you. do it together and with unbiased witnesses to make sure there is no scene in the bank and then do whatever you need to start the process of your healing.
i'm sorry this all happened, but sometimes the universe gives us lessons that are great teachers. only you will really know just how much this has all taught you. and sometimes our lessons last for the rest of our lives...especially big ones like this. good luck. | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 12:45:13 PM | How do we know that he isn't responsible for her feelings? We don't know what happened in Florida. Perhaps she started living her dream and he crushed her dream? So they return home to her parents' home and she gets depressed. The person that still believed in her was a high school friend. I don't know what proof he has, but seems like he kept a naked video of her for quite some time without discussing it with her. Why would he need to copy it? Seems like you see it and you talk about it.
She said she needed to see a doctor, yet he doesn't bring up her actually going or that he went with her. I know that I have some old views of marriage, but I know that when you are married you are supposed to be as one. If a husband or wife needs help, you do what you can to get them the help. There is only so much you can do to save a marriage and perhaps they have gone past this point. But what we don't know is what pushed her to this point and where she is mentally or where he is mentally. To want to break up a marriage in a restaurant, geez, certainly made me wonder about him. | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:08:22 PM | I think it would be helpful for you (in the long term) to ask what you gain from the feeling of "she done me wrong" because you have made multiple choices to allow this to continue, choosing to make a martyr of yourself.
It TOTALLY sucks that she cheated on you. BUT you could have confronted her when you found the video & picture; when you found the emails.... probably even sooner. You chose for a long time to remain silent when you were unhappy and when you must have felt desperately lonely and afraid (the lack of trust implicit in your searching through her emails when she nipped out to the shop is evidence of this). And now you've held it in for a further three weeks, torturing yourself and allowing the situation to continue -- and making a liar out of yourself in the process by hiding all this stuff too.
I think that if she came to you, remorseful, confessing, there may be a place for forgiveness; this is not that situation. Perhaps she doesn't feel remorseful or want your forgiveness -- how likely is it given that she's carried on this affair for so long and been so cold with you? However, something inside you still pushes you towards the possibility of martyring yourself further.
Stop being so mean to yourself and counting your feelings for nothing! Confront her and damn the consequences. Waiting for a cheque when it's putting you under the strain it can only be is daft!! If the government owes you money then they are not going to be relieved of that debt just because the joint account is frozen -- unless the laws where you live are completely nuts. Please look at your tendency towards martyrdom: it's very unhappy road to be on, where everyone you get involved with will abuse you because you fuel that particular dynamic. Talk to her now, don't take her to dinner and wait to see if she is sorry before assuming that she must be. Try to treat yourself as if you are someone whose feelings you care about. | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:15:44 PM | wow im so sorry to hear about your situation.. but i probably wouldnt take her out to dinner to suprise her with this..
that you know..
i wold definitely be feeling and doing the same things you are in this situation but i would try to be the bigger man.. stay calm.. and express EXACTLY how you feel..
because as women were supposed to be the ones who stick by our partners and shouldnt be cheating and what not..
ope it all works out..
let me know what the end result was..
white girl carleigh | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:52:17 PM | I'm sorry for your predicament my friend. I know that hollow in the gut feeling when something like this occurs.
My exwife went a little loopy when the 40's hit her hard, and was 'unhappy' with everything...including me, and the marriage, and even , seemingly, our children.
Turns out she was turning to this guy she sang with, (she is an entertainer/pianist), and he...uhhhh..patiently listened and somehow 'understood' what i couldn't.
Well, you know, I did the right thing..drove her out to the guys house, told him to watch his back or i'd chop him down and to leave my wife and family alone.
Then, I worked hard to make it (the marriage) work.....Now....here is the lesson....that WeAre1 alludes to in a previous post...six months of marriage therapy, and guess what, it wasn't budging, not an inch..so, I simply said, 'I'm done'. And divorced her.
Just like that. Yep...just like that. Sure, it sucked...big time. but it took me a while to begin to 'get' it that you can't always get what you want...but you sometimes get what you Need....albeit in a different wrapper.
Other lessons I have learned since then....it takes two to make it work....and the same amount to make it not work.. Accept the lesson, learn from it, forgive her....and yourself.for the part you 'both' played in this debacle...and move on, knowing that you did what you can do...and nothing more.
So, the Universe sang me the Song of Free.....free to move on from that bondage, free to learn at will, to explore new places, people, and things. Life is better now.
ahhh..the lessons, some people just need a whisper, and others need a swipe across the head with a baseball bat, either way....you'll be in mucho better shape down the road brother....believe this.
I also agree, forget the letter, it's moot. And please don't beat yourself up looking for answers, they will come to you naturally in time.
best to you
````````````````'Kimbo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 1:59:59 PM | | Hmmmpppfff....does it really matter? Because you actually stooped to her level once you put yourself on the market, as well. You are not divorced...and all within 3 weeks of making these discoveries, you are on POF seeking a LTR. | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 2:05:31 PM | Oh...and Harleykat makes a good point here^^^ above
I know you 'feel' like it's been over for a while
but please take some time for you after this...or search other threads about healing after breakups....if you don't, then you are about to claim another victim, or...set yourself up to be victimized as well.
As 'Kimbo sez, if you can't find happiness within, you will definitly not find it 'out there'....not yet.
kimbo | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 2:05:50 PM | You are getting all kinds of advice in here, but the best advice is your own. I would suggest not to make decisions while you are upset. Talking to a lawyer sounds like a good idea to protect yourself. Acting like nothing is wrong until you get that check is good too. Do you have your own bank account? I don't know about the letter or dinner thing. I would wait until she slips up again and see how her reaction is, does she tell the truth and want to start over? or will she continue to lie to you.
I have had almost the same exact thing happen to me, she started growing very distant and would not even say hello when she came in from work. She started making alot of weekend plans and I saw less and less of her. She would get very angry at any questioning. I should have know something was wrong because after we were married she would cry over the mention of an ex-bf. I thought that was odd but it didn't register with. A short time later she left her email open and I found out she had been with him and dumped by him again. All that time I thought I had done something wrong, it had nothing to do with me. This has nothing to do with you!!
She got out of a bad relationship online with you and has had exes cheat on her, that is bad news if all of her relationships have been bad. I don't see how you can give it another shot because she is probably telling the new guy how bad you are. Not every person can have a good relationship, too much baggage from the past keeps coming in.
You would also benefit from some therapy, just to be sure you are not blaming yourself.
Last thing; my reaction on finding emails about the affair was one of relief. I was not upset, just relieved that my feeling that something was really wrong was correct and it was nothing I had done.
I wish you lots of luck and hope that you really think about protecting yourself from here on out.
Go get drunk with the boys.  | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 2:17:28 PM | ~OP~ Don't involve her parents. Someone close to me was cheated on, he told his family, opinions were formed when he told everyone and after he forgave her and choose to remain with her ~ the family became devided. Her parents however, stood by her even though they sugar-coated that in the beginning. Your wife is their daughter ~ leave them out of it. It serves NO purpose other than validation you've been wronged and no one argues that you've been wrong.
I am very perplexed by what you are waiting for. If she cashes the check without you signing, it's a felony in your state (and yes, I did look it up.) Why on earth wait unless you have other motives? It's over. It happens, sadly. I agree with others here, you are looking for long-term before long-term has ended. That can't be healthy for you or anyone you may meet ~ give it a rest. Live for a year or two alone. Be healthy emotionally, physically and mentally before you jump in to rescue the next one. (Sorry OP ~ rescuers need to figure out what makes them feel the need to rescue. That's about as unhealthy as needing rescued.) JMO  | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 2:50:13 PM | OP - government check issue first of all. If joint payees, you both go to the bank and cash the check together and split it right there. Tada. Hopefully you don't have a joint account as she could circumvent the need for your endorsement by depositing it to an account you both own. Either way, would not behoove either to forge an endorsement on a government check. Now if payable to her, well then you have a civil matter to dispute.
Otherwise, any other legal issues pass to an attorney for handling.
The best way to have your voice heard is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and have a great life anyway - without her. Unless your agenda is to keep her, in which case you'll likely not have much of an audience in her for what you want to say.
JMHO | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 2:56:10 PM | Time to pack up and move on sir, tomorrow is another day. This does not belong in the forums.
Greg | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:11:57 PM | You know the funny thing about this?
NEWS FLASH:
YOU ARE ON A DATING SITE- and your profile talks abou dating someone and what your looking for! | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:21:02 PM | You need to do what is BEST for you! Trust me I've made my own mistake in that area, and though my circumstances were different, I've had to live with and face KARMA on an infinite level for my poor choices. While the grass may always seem greener, I've learned from first hand experience, it is not. My ex wanted to take me to dinner to confront my affair, but we didn't even get down the street when he started talking to me about it.
You need to seek legal counsel-find out what recourse you have and go from there. Despite the ugliness of my ex and I splitting up, we are now and remain friends-but each situation is different. It took the two of us to begin our relationship and it will take the both of us to sort it out. I'm not going to even bother explaining the why-how come-what I was thinking things because ultimately it was my choice to do what I did. Bottom line you need to handle things the best way you see fit. Karma takes care of the rest-I promise you.
It will never matter who hurt whom first or worst-but I have learned that it seems those whom we love seem to be the same people who rip out our hearts-I've been the recipient and executer of both. I'm sure you have a lot of questions in your mind about everything and though you may want answers-don't expect them to be what you want to hear. His parents didn't care to hear about what transpired between the two of us-as far as they were concerned I was a 'whore'-despite that, now, they forgave me and we all are civil.
The matter should really be left between the two of you, but again who you disclose things to is your business. I can never take back any of the hurt I inflicted upon my ex, but he had his part in the demise of our marriage too, however from some onlookers my actions were the clincher. Think everything through, take some action and go with your gut instincts. Good luck. | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:22:49 PM | I really would like to thank everyone for their opinions. I think you have given me somethings to think about for myself, not just now for the break up, but about me in the future. Including why am I on here Looking already with my profile. Some things DO need to be changed. But I would like to just answer some other comments and questions.
1) WHY did I wait so long from finding the pictures and the email? Well part one, disbelief and shock what I was seeing, and I wanted more concrete proof of what is happening. I think part of me was feeling betrayed already as she was being distant from me, and I think I lost some trust there. Why since I found the emails? Agian its still a shock factor, but I have been finding a place to stay and letting my family know what is may be happening, I also did not want to approach it hot headed and letting my anger do the talking.
2) During the past months when she did say she wanted to talk to a Doctor, I was constantly telling her that she should if she felt that way. I asked her if she wanted me to go, and I of course I told her I would pay and support what she wanted to do. We found out what is covered in our insurance. All she had to do is make a call. The years I been with her she has never been like that, a very happy person, talking to me about anything on her mind, openly and honestly.
3) Regarding Florida. Look I can tell you anything you want about it. You will believe what you want. But why the move failed is because we BOTH missed our families back home.
4) The Rescuers need saving from themselves. I have and will be talking to a Dr about what I have gone through, and everything else about who I am. Like I mentioned I think people hear have brought up some good points about what happened and about me.
But let me bring up a question to everyone. Why is it that when someone looks out for their best interests and themselves they are self-centered, arrogant, greedy and selfish.. But when a guy try's to break the mold and be a "good guy" they are accused of setting them selves up for failure, being a pity case or a martyr?
Thank you all for listening and offering opinions. Post more if you wish, but I would like mark this closed. | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:29:10 PM | | OK SO YOU SAY YOU HAVE FOUND PLACES TO STAY, You story is very fiction I THINK! WHY?? Because, I'm sure she would be asking why her husband isn't staying with her. You "JUST" posted this today, and i'm sure you said that you were still with her! | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:33:14 PM | Well, yippee yippee yeah yeah! 
Now there is one fewer, less than available, person...advertising themselves to be seeking something that they have no right to offer up! ;) | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 3:49:32 PM | First I would like to say one thing. I feel for your situation, it is a harsh one. No one wants to have this type of situation arise in thier life. It is extremely upsetting and emotionally devastating.
As for what I would do in your situation. I would end the relatioship. I know that divorce is a creature that is harmful to all it touches, but it is for the best. She can not be trusted and you will get abused in some manner if you let it continue.
Most people here are not going to understand how difficult this is for you. The advise you get here, including mine, is pointless. You know what you must do. Your post here is evidence of that fact.
I wish you the best and take care.
As I walk through the valley of death I shall fear no evil for He is with me.... Fidelis et Paratus
Stephen | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 4:32:08 PM | Well, first off OPie (assuming you're still peeking in after posting this stuff and then deleting your account)...this is kinda what you get when you opt to be a doormat in a relationship.
My read is you went into this relationship as some kind of savior...you were going to save her from cheating men. But along the way she pretty much controlled and dictated the relationship (yeah, you gave up your relationship testicles at this point). She is basically a drama queen and when you didn't react to her dramatics, she upped the ante...moving in with the parents after busting the both of you financially.
When that didn't work she had to figure out a different way to get the wuss to react. She spent months "out" of the relationship (emotionally) and you let her.
And now, poor-poor-pitiful you...she's been having an affair. WAKE UP!!! She was emotionally divorced from you 8 months ago...probably more...she just didn't have the guts to tell you.
So now you get to sing the "She cheated on me" lament. Sorry OPie, but you cheated on her!! You did not give her the husband, partner and lover you promised to give her. Instead you gave her the one she asked for. And just like any other immature child broken and beaten after at least 2 bad relationships, what in the hell made you think she KNEW what she wanted in a relationship.
There is a big, big difference between pretending to be a gentleman (which BTW, a gentleman would not have posted this stuff) and being a MAN. A MAN knows to lead a relationship...to not let issues compound and sour...to understand that at 30 you're not entitled to have it all --- you still need to work for what you want.
Time to grow up, dude. Quit blaming her. When you point a finger at her, 3 more are pointing back at you. Take responsibility for your actions and figure out what to do. Ohhh, BTW, that's what a man does. And 'NO', that does not include sneaking off like a whipped puppy or a thief in the night.
But let me bring up a question to everyone. Why is it that when someone looks out for their best interests and themselves they are self-centered, arrogant, greedy and selfish.. But when a guy try's to break the mold and be a "good guy" they are accused of setting them selves up for failure, being a pity case or a martyr? What about the 3rd option? Looking out for the best interests of those they've sworn an oath (you were married, right) to love, honor and protect. What's wrong with taking the attitude of leading the 'US' in a relationship?
 <== sincerely hates guys who pretend to be men, gentle or otherwise.
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 4:34:39 PM | Feller, first thing in the morning get the best divorce atty you can find, and follow his advise... I would say nothing to her until you and your lawyer formulate a plan. In the meantime I would protect whatever assets you can without her catching on that you know about her.
Good Luck! | |
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| Why do you feel the need?
Posted: 7/6/2008 4:44:17 PM | 1) I'm not sure what your looks has to do with this situation--which should be all about you cutting off the bleeding, and moving on.
2) While not etched in stone, its interesting how, when you find a woman who puts up with bad male behavior, you also find...someone who engages in it herself. Perhaps its the fact they do it, too, that doesn't trigger in them the idea this behavior is so bad?
3) You know about the story of the scorpion and the frog, right? Scorpion asks frog for a ride across the river, frog says no, its in your nature to be a predator. Scorpion explains if he kills the frog, both will drown. So, frog agrees to help, feels sting halfway across the river, and as they both go down, asks scorpion why he did that.
Scorpion's response? "But you knew my nature..."
Your real goal here, is to learn a lesson. Not to get revenge, but to recognize a person's nature when you see it. sure, you want to point out you caught her, so she'll know how intelligent you really are. But so what? She already knew she was cheating on you, you aren't proving anything.
She cheated b/c she could get away with it. Grieve the loss, and move on. Don't let her live rent-free inside your head for longer than she deserves. | |
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| time for my voice to be heard.
Posted: 7/6/2008 4:59:00 PM | Wow eazk! I so see what you are saying to him and I think you nailed him (as in who he is, what he did etc., not the other way...geez). You know he will read this and with the other advice, maybe he will get the help he needs.
Now, do you know anyone that does fit the term gentleman that lives in south central PA? | |
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| Why do you feel the need?
Posted: 7/6/2008 5:18:25 PM |
Feller, first thing in the morning get the best divorce atty you can find, and follow his advise... I would say nothing to her until you and your lawyer formulate a plan.
You are dealing with someone who does not play fair or have your best interests at heart. I agree to formulate a plan and get legal advise. You probably don't have much between the two of you regarding assets, but I would file a legal separation and cancel any and all credit cards you may jointly own. Get your personal items out of the house and find a place to live. You've been mooching off the parents long enough... you've got a job and you're an adult.
Then tell her why -- if she even cares. She may have wanted to dump you all along, but because you're such a "nice guy" let you stay and chose to despise you instead. | |
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