| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 11:47:37 AM | I would aspire to this (rather than bear the consequences)…
WeAre1/Msg: 10 …so lovingly end a relationship because that is then what stays with us..... not the nasty hatred revenge type crap…he will feel far worse about [that] for far longer than how she treated him
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:43:50 PM | | I myself have had a rough experience just like your friend, Although I feel llike realy unloading on this lady, I can only see more heartache ahead, sometime you will run into one another, what happens then. I think it is best to reflect back on all the good times, and try to throw away the bad. You might write her a very bad letter read it a couple time then tear it up, That realy works, I often wonder if us men are suffering from true heartache or maybe we can not handle the rejection, anyway it is tough I know how you feel, good luck in the future | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:11:26 PM | | I think she'd already lit the bridge on fire, he just tried to fan the flames a bit further in her direction to save himself. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:21:10 PM | Unnecessary and the true mark of a person who is emotionally immature. Shows an undeveloped character/insight/conviction and inability to leave without turning it into something ugly and thus "easier" to walk away from.  | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:21:37 PM | | There was someone who I thought I had reached a mutual understanding with, that is until he slammed me on another site. Naming me by name and quoting me, not cool. If things don't work out, just walk away with some dignity and grace. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:37:02 PM | night skies, it doesn't matter at this stage what one thinks about how you friend handled the situation. No one here was involved emotionally with the person, felt the joy at first, then disappointment and next pain.
Generally speaking, the best policy in love affair, or even employer's relationship - is never burn the bridges. I believe this is not always possible, sometimes the best thing is to do just that, but you have to use your own judgment. By the sound of your post- your friend went through quite a bit of pain, something triggered in him, that he had enough, and did what he did. Whether it was right or wrong, no one knows that...no one really knows what happened. You have summarized in one paragraph what it was, but how do you summarize the complexity of human's psyche and your friend's relationship with this woman that lasted few months. So for anyone to say it was right or wrong, would be pointless IMO.
Last year, I was seeing someone briefly over summer months. What puzzled me is how one can switch from being hot to cold/aloof over night. We ended or it has ended on its own, we didn't talk about burning the bridges, but the effect is the same. I know we won't be friends ever, neither will we talk openly and sincerely. If we run into each other, we will acknowledge our meeting, but our encounter would be very much on the surface, to me that is burning the bridges. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:50:18 PM | just 2 c more...
I like danmck1 advice
You might write her a very bad letter read it a couple time then tear it up, That realy works (...)
I believe this is very good therapy, because you are able to come in terms with your own feeling, and examine your own current emotional state. After all, you might not realize but your are writing for you, because how the other person receives it it won't matter... because it is already over. Write it out and tear it up, or just don't hit the 'send' button. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:24:16 PM | Last year, I was seeing someone briefly over summer months. What puzzled me is how one can switch from being hot to cold/aloof over night. We ended or it has ended on its own, we didn't talk about burning the bridges, but the effect is the same. I know we won't be friends ever, neither will we talk openly and sincerely. If we run into each other, we will acknowledge our meeting, but our encounter would be very much on the surface, to me that is burning the bridges.
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I and many others surely know that feeling . (but I won't say the bridge is burned yet...since she has been saving coupons for when I work at that building....ugh, maybe I should tell her not to save the coupons anymore and THAT WOULD BE BURNING THE BRIDGE!)
As mentioned, write a letter keep it a while and or destroy it later. Or wait a long time, and write them a letter sincerely DETAILING YOUR WRONGDOINGS ONLY, do not mention their faults. Or the letter will not give either one of you peace of mind via forgiveness. Forgive yourself first. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:37:26 PM | I'm sorry, but your friend was wrong in what he did. Not because I am a woman, and would hate to be on the receiving end of that....but because I am a human.
I could never do that to another person. Ever. It is just cruel, and it does no good in helping you to move on.
Better to just let it go, move on, and know that you gave the relationship the best you could, and there was nothing more you could do. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:59:01 PM | Well I was lied to constantly in two different relationships and in both cases after I had broken up with them very kindly, with no cussing or anything. I just explained to them what I had told them from the begining. about how I would not put up with lying from anyone. and then they called me at least twice a week , cussing me out for over two months after the relationship was over. and each time they would call I would be polite with them, and that would just piss them off even more. point is I don't think anyone should lower themselves to another's immature level. I was still able to sleep good at night without having my consience beating me up. After every relationship they get out of; they are always trying to make their way back into my life. WHY would they treat me like shit , if they really wanted to be with me... It's Simply as someone to fall back on, that's way.. don't let the same thing happen to your friend. And as far as him letting her have it on the anwsering machine. she found his snapping point. some women love to test men just to see what they can get by with. But tell him not to beat himself over it though, cause she knows what type of peson he was , and she probably wasn't even mad after listening to it... She was happy because she was finally able to piss him off and that was her goal.... | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 7:22:21 PM | | Kill 'em with kindness....that's my motto....;) | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:37:23 PM | | Unfortunately, I can understand why the friend did it. I did it myself to someone I loved very deeply to make certain I'd never turn back to even want to walk across that bridge. It was not a nice letter and one I was not proud of but I listed every single thing they had done causing me heartbreak over that time for two years and how it had made me feel, the toll it took on me emotionally and physically. Yes over those two years I had tried talking, tried explaining how their actions were affecting me/us and it fell on deaf ears and was always turned back on me. I've read in the past when love brings more pain than happiness then walk away. It is not that easy to do. Does that justify writing a letter filled with intense pain and listing everything that they did to me by their actions or lack of yet I accepted them? No it does not. I sent it on purpose so they would know it was over, finished and no hope of us going back and I knew with their ego they'd never want to turn back or contact me again. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:50:09 PM | | Well, when I was in my twenties, I was the recipient. The guy recorded a tape cassette, and when I turned on my car, it played and I heard all kinds of nasty things. All it did for me was make me feel glad that my instincts were correct, and not want to look back at all. If someone wanted to end it with me, I'd rather they just did, rather than stick around resentfully. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:06:13 PM | | I think MG said it best. It is who you are when responding, either way it's who you are. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/8/2008 10:16:57 PM | If we are incompatible, end it kindly. If they have had a transgression, calmly and compassionately tell them and go. If their behaviour has triggered me, well, I need to let them go with dignity and focus on my chit.
I'm not one to get nasty, rude or inappropriately emotional; I'd feel too horrible about it and think it was a major failure on my part. It takes some major work on their part to have me splatter all over their shoes. Not that I'm repressed either, I certainly have feelings but they are mine to deal with and let go.
I've had some wonderful fantasies about being so immature that I just let fly any hurt or anger all over this other person. Nothing I'd ever carry out, seems irresponsible. As I've said to a friend on here about me getting ticked and taking someone to task "Unleash the poodles of war"
Most hurt and anger is about me - my insecurities and fears - and not them, so I handle my own chit. I tend to journal or write nasty essays that I'll tear up... or tuck away to reflect on "where was my head?" six months later. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 2:19:33 PM | Yes, writing out your feelings, journaling, if you will, can be helpful.....you don't have to 'send' this hateful letter of disdain.
Although, i would bet money that All of Us have at one time or another tried to get in the last word, either that, or said things that were hurtful to someone in our past.... I don't know anyone, myself included, who always had THAT amount of grace and self control.
But, having said that, I have learned that it is an extreme waste of energy, and does nothing to 'endear' the person to us, or shows them how much we 'cared' as one poster wrote.
Love, like all things, changes....there is no goodness that will ever come from 'blasting' someone that we once cared so much for. And, as Margo states, most hurt and anger is really about us.....about whining about not getting what we want or 'think' we deserve, wishing someone would act differently toward us. But, it is impossible to control how someone regards us....and not even our business to steer it, except by continuing to call out in a voice of love...and light.
Two wrongs definitely do not make a right...so true..they are simply two wrongs.
peace people
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'Kimbo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 2:25:35 PM |
I was talking to a family friend over the weekend and he had told me an interesting story. He too is in the dating field and had been seeing someone for a number of months. Over time the lady he was seeing began to become more and more aloof, a bit insulting and judmental. When he tried to talk to her about it, she became very angry and nasty. She eventually ignored him and pulled the "silent/retreating game." He tried for a little while to resolve the conflict.. But anything nice he would say on her answering machine or via email was just ignored. Or he would get a nasty email in return here and there.. He felt bad about all this but eventually realized that he had to let it go and purge his feelings. So he wrote her a very nasty email and just blasted her with every rotten thing he could think of.. He said he felt bad because being nasty is not his style.. but yet he felt relieved somehow.. Like he had burned a bridge that needed to be burned so he would stop looking back.. He then asked me if I thought he did the right thing..and asked if I had ever done anything like this?
I couldn't say if it was wrong or right.. But I told him sometimes relationships become ill.. And if they don't respond to the medicine of love, honesty and caring. Then unfortunately you have to put it down like a sick and suffering animal that is not getting any better. And sometimes you jut have to walk away. It can be tough and even hurt to to.. But sometimes it has to be done.. even to relieve our own suffering.
So what do the men and women of POF think of burning bridges in this way? Have you ever done it? And How did you feel about it if you did? Or maybe you are the person who was the bridge that was burned? How did you feel after you ignored all of the good intentions of someone.. And then they just gave up and blasted you/burned you and moved on? I would like to hear what many of you have to say..
A lot of people will tell you that doing things like this is extreme, rude, hurtful, wrong, etc.
I'd like to think that it's a great way to get out pent-up frustration without bottling it and letting it ferment into something more harmful, or accidentally blowing up on somebody that doesn't deserve it.
I mean sure, there are better ways to handle the situation... but honestly, everybody is human. I've done this a couple times myself, and it's really liberating, because it gets everything off your chest, and at least funnels it at somebody who's deserving of the backlash. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 4:42:19 PM | Well To Burning Bridges
Until reading this I wasn't really sure how I felt. About three months ago a women moved in with me for the second time in a year. Ya the SAME ONE. LOL. Anyway this time I thought it would be different. I have messed up in the past in a few ways, but this time I was here for her in EVERY WAY. I even told her and proved to her in every way possible that I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. Well I started a new job right before she moved in which took a little more of my time than she would of liked, Then I was trying to help my son prepare for going to ARMY boot camp, But all the time telling her that I loved her very much"WHICH I DID".
Well I came home on a Monday afternoon to my house being empty. Ya I even through away my furniture to move hers in. STUPID! LOL.
I was so PISSED.
I did not even know what hit me. She even told me that morning that she loved me and that we would see each other after I got off work.
Well after finding out where she was it through me for a BIG loop. She moved back in with her old boy friend.
SO YES I CALLED HER EVERY NAME IN THE BOOK. And NO I DO NOT FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT, but she will never call me again. Nor if she does will I ever trust her again.
It may of been wrong for me to say the things that I did after she left, but the burnt bridge IS BURNT. And that feels sorta good.
I never again want to put myself in that kind of relationship.
I am getting over it, but it is always hard even a person loves and hates them at the same time. I do not like hating someone. It sucks. So if you find that special person hold on to them, because they are very hard to find. GOOD LUCK TO ALL! | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 4:42:35 PM | Some people ain't worth the time of day.
**** 'em.  | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 4:57:13 PM | I agree that is immature to end a relationship like that. It would give me no satisfaction to be mean to someone that once meant alot to me why bother? It would make me feel worse about myself.Treat others the way your mom taught you The way you want to be treated. No matter what they have did to you. Karma what goes around comes around sooner or later | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:03:55 PM | I burn my bridges by blocking them, not talking to them, actually doing and meaning what I said when we broke up, which is goodbye. Of course not all break ups need to have the bridges burnt but for someone who has treated me badly, there is no reason to get back at them, I don't need 'closure' as in hanging on until the last little piece is rung dry, and there is no need to look back. When I'm done, I'm gone.
The mistake your friend made, he hung on after it was obvious that it was already over. He let her push him around and treat him like crap, of course she thought she could, he allowed it. Had he stopped and paid attention and said, whoa, don't want this crap in my life, he could have moved on before he let himself feel cornered and lashed out. His actions are all about him and his choices, and gives a good indication into his own issues. That's what he should be dealing with, what she does is her problem. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:10:02 PM | | I also dont know if its right or wrong..but it sure as hell made me feel better.I did all the goody stuff for awhile...and i got the silent treatment as well..usually it means she's not into you..or has interests with someone else..either way i dont excuse the behavior.I feel she got what was coming to her and i'm not going to be a doormat for someone.. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:47:00 PM | I don't think you have to send nasty emails to end a relationship. You just let it go and move on. Sure, there may be some things that have made you angry or made you upset, but seems like to me you should have been talking about these things as they came up...why are you waiting for the end of a relationship to start unloading all the things you should have been communicating all along?
People say a lot of hurtful and cruel things when they're angry or when their feelings have been hurt. They don't think about what they're saying and they don't think about the impact on the other person, or the impact their words may have on themselves down the road. You can truly burn bridges with words... what happens if you have a change of attitude, what happens if it was a misunderstanding, what happens if you run into that person six months from now and realize that maybe while the romantic relationship didn't work out, you really liked/cared for that person and there was room in your life for that person on a different level? You've burned your bridges, all because you felt the need to say nasty things.
And you know what....I don't think you get a whole lot of satisfaction in saying hurtful and mean things. I think you get satisfaction in being a big enough person to not feel the need to retaliate, to be able to say to yourself, "Ok, that didn't work out and here are the reasons why and this is what I've learned from this experience and this is what I'll do different next time."
And yes, it is VERY good therapy to write it out....doesn't mean you have to send it to the person. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 6:55:43 PM | what your friend did is really simple. he had a non communative relationship with this lady that was driving him bonkers in the brain and he had to express his anger toward this woman's ignoring him and ultimately end the relationship.
i think that we know that the way he communicated wasn't the best way. Neither was hers. But when we are upset are we necissarily the most rational people with the way that we choose to behave? I know that I am not perfect. | |
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| Burning Bridges
Posted: 7/9/2008 7:34:03 PM | | the best revenge is to live happy | |
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