|Burning BridgesPage 3 of 4 (1, 2, 3, 4)|
So what do the men and women of POF think of burning bridges in this way? Have you ever done it? And How did you feel about it if you did? Or maybe you are the person who was the bridge that was burned? How did you feel after you ignored all of the good intentions of someone.. And then they just gave up and blasted you/burned you and moved on? I would like to hear what many of you have to say..
Sorry, but your mate was a psycho.
The fact that she went moody and purposely made herself unappealing, should have really sent him the message. But then to persist after she was obviously ignoring him is a little desperate. Did he have no self-respect?
To blast in her in an email was, as another poster said, childish and would hardly have got her running back to him.
When I was younger, I found it hard to let go emotionally- I can't ever remember turning bunny boiler, but found it hard to let go of the past. However, as I've got older, letting go has got alot easier.
I can't see the point in hanging on to dead wood and bonfires can be exhilirating to watch.
I've had one person in my past that refused to go away- despite swear words- but my police-lady friend had a quiet word, so he had no choice but to get over it. I had no bad feelings about that one, whatsoever!
When a relationship is dead and one half can't get on with their OWN life, there are no good intentions in their persistence- it's purely about what they want and what they can't have.
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:40:58 AM
|There is no excuse for anyone to slam someone they've dated. That shows they are having a problem with being rejected in a very immature, juvenile manner and probably suffer from low self esteem.|
I don't, however, believe that you should remain friends with everyone you've dated. There are times when it is smart, even desirable, to walk away and never look back.
Posted: 8/30/2008 8:06:09 AM
|If you burn a bridge then what does that say about you for example if I have been with anyone they would have been the top of the heap and in the 1% or I would not have been with them so I never burn a bridge and say only kind things as I never put myself down ..Foot note"""""" but I do keep my distance."""""|
Posted: 8/30/2008 8:37:41 AM
|I used to believe in lengthy conversations and efforts to save sinking relationships. And I have perhaps burned a bridge or two in my day. But now I take things a bit more easy and don't let other people's attitudes get my mind in a knot. |
The OP said the lady was aloof and rude.. I think I would have sat down and tried to have a reasonable discussion with her once, maybe twice. And after that, if she continued being rude and mean.. I would have just walked away. Why let someone's damaged or flawed character drag you through the mud. And why chase after them if they are unwilling to communicate or change hurtful behavior. After her refusal to be an adult and communicate, I would have sent her a polite email or phone message telling her why I was exiting the relationship. And then I would move onward to better places. I think this is a far better way to burn bridges than loosing your cool and really blasting someone.
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:01:36 AM
|I think we all have burned bridges here and there, including myself. But anger is such an empty and draining emotion, and eventually you come to realize the futility of it, especially when it comes to leaving scorched earth in your wake. |
If someone doesn't want to have reasonable discussions regarding a problem between us, I can't be bothered to waste too much time or emotion in that relationship. If I'm really angry, I might write a letter or email, but won't send it, and come back to look at it in a day or a week, when my emotions aren't so raw. And typically I wind up throwing it away unsent, and just walk away. I know its one of those tried and true tricks, but it really does work, or at least it does for me.
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:31:50 AM
|Some people “burn the bridges” in an attempt to convinces themselves. They are trying to “sell themselves” that they did / are doing the right thing.|
My ex wife (at some point got sold on the idea of independent woman) started mixing with young, single, bitter “now woman watch me roar” types in college. She went to college the last three years we were married.
Some of the things she said to me (over the three years after she left) were just nuts. Things that sounded like someone else’s words.
She kept trying to convince HERSELF she had done the right thing (for herself).
She was going thru early pre-menopause (she was 43 then) and I found out ..... doing the same kind of crazy (where did that come from) talk to both daughters and others.
So ...... sometimes people do the “burn the bridges” trying to justify their actions - trying to convince themselves by saying crap out loud that they think will hurt you (and normally does hurt you).
I have not talked to her since like last December but ....... when she is in a normal mode (not in her nuts mode) she admits much of the crap she said was total bullchit lol.
She likes me - always has and always will. It was hard for her to justify (even to herself) she wanted to do something she never had done. That was to be accountable to no one - no kids - no husbands ............ no one.
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:44:06 AM
|Contemptuous and virulent break-ups are not my style, so I would not have sent the Abomination Proclamation. Of course, I also would have silently exited stage left when the insulting and judgmental behavior started. Your friend’s behavior is not the right behavior for me. However, if his actions gave him therapeutic relief and closure, then it was the right course of action for him. I don’t like to burn bridges, I prefer to walk away and never cross them again.|
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:54:08 AM
So he wrote her a very nasty email and just blasted her with every rotten thing he could think of..
In this case IMO he should have written the letter gotten it all out of his system then deleted it and walked away.
IMO nothing was served by sending this other person more anger it resolves nothing and adds fuel for further confrontation the bridge had all ready been torched.
Just my two cent's
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:55:36 AM
|I think the answer to the question as to whether it was the right thing lies in the word "nasty." If your behavior can be described that way, then you have behaved badly.|
Posted: 8/30/2008 11:09:05 AM
|Never done it, that's not me, but can't say it was wrong for your friend. We all have different needs.|
I might have written the letter but then I'd have torn it into a million pieces, burned it and imagined it was whoever had upset me going up in smoke. Then I'd feel better.
I'm not good at picking up hints but if someone changed that much I would very quickly get the picture that they didn't want me around and be on my way. No explanations necessary - I refuse to waste my time and energy on someone who has no interest in me when I could be with someone who does want to be with me or doing my own thing.
Posted: 8/30/2008 11:27:12 AM
|Dear Packaged, to intentally write a letter and never mail it, isn't very stable. A person that would do that needs help, on the other hand I don't believe in causing trouble either. I talk about my X a lot on here, but we are friends, if there is really such a thing, It really dosen't mean anything. I know it isn't nice but no one knows who she is except her friends, which I am sure they're keeping her informed.I am going to stop doing this, for it isn't right. God Bless , doc|
Posted: 8/31/2008 9:48:51 AM
I couldn't say if it was wrong or right.. But I told him sometimes relationships become ill.. And if they don't respond to the medicine of love, honesty and caring. Then unfortunately you have to put it down like a sick and suffering animal that is not getting any better. And sometimes you jut have to walk away. It can be tough and even hurt to to.. But sometimes it has to be done.. even to relieve our own suffering.
That was brilliant. I think that those demanding that horrible word "closure" are having latent power and control issues. Walking away is better than some other options. Who says they have a right to know everything we are thinking; I value my privacy and do not feel obligated to tell why I made a decision. When I walk away the evidence is blatantly clear. Subsequent questions indicate to me that my former partner was and remains in a state of denial.
Posted: 8/31/2008 9:53:34 AM
|If the person I am seeing doesn't appreciate my attention and doesn't give me what I need in return, I move on. I don't tell them why unless they ask, and then only if a response would actually help them. I don't have to burn a bridge to move on, once I have moved on I have no fear of crossing that bridge again because I already know I don't want what is on the other side.|
Posted: 8/31/2008 9:56:41 AM
|Are you ****in' kiddin' me?|
was done for a while, if not from the get go
just like ripping off a band-aid
end it quick and painless
and as for "not his style", obviously, it was
albeit, payback is a ****
so after all is said and done, hopefully, you and your family friend learned something out of everything
everybody comes to the answerman
Posted: 8/31/2008 9:57:21 AM
|Sometimes the only way to force yourself to walk through a new door is to deliberately cut off all avenues of escape...|
Posted: 8/31/2008 10:07:44 AM
Dear Packaged, to intentally write a letter and never mail it, isn't very stable. A person that would do that needs help, ...
Actually, what Packaged suggested (as well as the poster just above you suggested) is very stable. There are times people have feelings and that need venting and verbally (internally or out loud) or by writting it down is a very healthy way to accomplish this. In fact, such as person that sought 'help' as you suggested, if it be from some a sort of counselor, would most likely be advised to do exactly that.
Personally I don't believe we need to burn our bridges. Things change over time and who knows, the person (or employer) that hurt or angered me today could be my salvation next year, month or even tomorrow. No sense in complicating things with the unnecessary 'burning'.
Posted: 8/31/2008 10:54:04 AM
|I feel that burning bridges is a bad thing. One never knows if the bridge they burned today, might be the bridge they need to cross tomorrow.|
My best example was a young guy at the dealership that services my semi truck. The guy was just in the beginning stages of dissolving a marriage, was trying to gain custody of both his young children, and I didn't feel he was ready for a relationship. As it turned out, he wasn't, but in my haste and disappointment, I lashed out at him, and was very disrespectful. Two months later, It was a holiday weekend, and my truck broke down 2 states away, and I had to find out a specific part number to have it repaired. Unfortunately, the only person I could think of to call that would answer, was that one particular guy. So, hesitantly, I called. I was very professional, and so was the guy, and we only spoke of the truck. I thanked him and got the parts I needed. I learned right then and there, what ever I think, or feel, always use Tact. Although we never went back and tried to date again, although 9 months later, he still fixes my truck, and does a darn good job.
So, in my life, I try to use tact and dignity if at all possible, both in business, and my personal life. So far, those two things have never led me astray.
Posted: 8/31/2008 11:40:38 AM
|Sometimes it is best to sever all ties but the nice thing about being human is that sometimes bridges can be rebuilt. People's lives change and when you meet at another time, it can be okay, either to rekindle or just to become friends.|
Posted: 8/31/2008 2:13:36 PM
|OP, how YOU handle the breakup is a testament to YOUR TRUE character.|
I see your "friend" as a vindictive petty man who hides cowardice behind so called "nice guy" shell only so long he deems necessary.
However, the person on receiving end probably got a gist of the passive-aggressive ways, which made her balk in the first place.
Burning bridges can be done with silence, disconnecting voicemail, blocking emails and/or changing phone number.
Best of luck to your "friend"
Posted: 10/12/2009 2:08:27 PM
|Dear Burning Bridges,|
Many people for one reason or another desire to end a relationship. When they do, it would be best if they say: I think you are a wonderful person and really care about you and that is why I have spent so many months or years of my time with you but I this relationship is not working for me and I want to end it hopefully as friends.
Often the person that wants to break it off simply becomes aloft, stops calling, or responding to calls hoping to escape confrontation knowing the other person will insist on knowing why .
For a person to insist on why another is breaking it off is asking to be insulted and made mad which usually ends in a rotten screaming argument. The person breaking it off really doesn't want to do that to you or they would have done it that way, just accept their decision. It could be that they are just tired of being in a relationship, want excitement, or not want to tolerate some incompatiability the two of you have.
In a lot of ways we can all be jerks so don't insist that the person breaking it off tell you all the ways in which you are one to them. Just say goodby, remember the good things, and let the relationship go. I think being nasty and blasting with rotten things affirms a higher jerk status.
Posted: 10/12/2009 2:22:09 PM
|Burn a bridge down, I always come prepared and have a lighter handy for just about anything, you know cook outs, camp fire, stuff like that. (lol) I' d just make sure when one does burn it down, make sure you know there isn't no crossing back to the other side. In a way it kinda protects you from anything stupid, like ever wanting to cross back over that bridge, if it isn't there for one to cross one doesn't do anything foolish twice.|
Posted: 10/12/2009 2:25:07 PM
|Burnign bridges are necessary in life. How you do it is another matter entirely. Responsibility should be taken.|
Posted: 10/12/2009 2:25:56 PM
|I myself have never done this or had it done to me but I have thought about doing this lately. Just to as you say "burn that bridge" so i know i'll never be able to go back. I can understand why people do this: some habits are hard to break... so if you cant go back then you have to go forward.|
Posted: 10/12/2009 2:33:06 PM
|Never burn a bridge.... you never know when you might have to cross over it again :-)|
Posted: 5/24/2012 8:52:25 AM
|Could of & should of just moved on. Truthful in his break up email & point out his reasons for his decision, but no real need to stoop to other peoples levels. I'm sure that's the mindset of some who are unhappy in their relationship & burn the bridge by cheating. Neither are a path I'd take though.|