| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:39:00 PM | [He's nice looking and we get along famously (we have a blast)but there wasn't any chemistry there.]
condradtict yourself much? | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:44:06 PM | Without even knowing either of these guys, I'm willing to bet the problem is that your bad boy ex was exciting and manly while your new nice guy boyfriend means well but is a total timid wussbag.
If that's the case, don't feel bad or guilty at all. It's totally natural. I used to feel guilty about being more attracted to hot girls with no personalities than fat/unattractive/etc. girls with awesome personalities.
The key is to find somebody with a healthy combination of both the bad boy qualities and the nice guy virtues. In other words, a guy with a spine and a heart.
If this isn't the problem, I don't know.
Good luck. | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/8/2008 4:44:46 PM |
You dispel this myth that women grow out of the bad boy
preference!
I think the worst thing I was ever told dating wise was being told repeatedly that women would grow out of being attracted to what is being called "bad boys" in this thread.
To the thread at large... this confidence thing. These 'bad boys' really aren't any more confident on average then the 'nice' guys. What most of them do is put on a show. It's just a show. Like a bully does. You stand up to the bully and soon you find out he's a simpering wimp underneath the image he puts up. This is why many of these 'bad boys' are so abusive and worse. It's because they don't have any confidence in themselves. It's fake. It's a layer of paint over severe rust.
A personal for instance. I generally don't get jealous. Either a woman thinks I am good enough to be with or she doesn't. I have the confidence that I am good enough that she won't be lured away easily. I don't worry about it. A typical 'bad boy' type gets jealous, he's afraid a woman will leave him, he becomes very controlling over her. Yet the way I am is considered 'weak' but the 'bad boy' is strong and confident. Yet his motivation is entirely based on his lack of confidence. He has to have control by force (physical, emotional, or by shear will) because he doesn't have the confidence that she won't just leave him for the next guy that smiles at her. He's afraid. It's hidden under a show that is misinterpreted.
The abusive 'bad boy' isn't any better than the 'doormat'. They are the same. They are hiding their basic lack of confidence with the use of force on one hand and the use of material things and/or services on the other.
What is considered confidence in this society is usually just the image of it, not the real thing. The real thing is often much more subtle and not in your face. | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:01:23 PM | Ah! But most of the alpha males I know are just a big pile of BS too! lol
Most, really very insecure under their facade! | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:05:02 PM | Women don't really ever outgrow their attraction to bad boys. They just eventually get tired of putting up with their crap and settle down with the nice guys. They sacrifice attraction for stability.
Some of them can still be swayed into affairs with bad boys after marrying the nice guys, though. Because if you're not attracted to your mate, you have to get your needs met somewhere. | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/8/2008 5:58:48 PM | | Are you expecting the "bad boy" to provide you with an exciting life that you are afraid of pursuing on your own? Is it about having your emotions stimulated by someone else's drama? | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:21:12 PM | The basic ways that men and women differ...
Men get a woman and hope they'll never change.
Women get a man only hoping he will change.
That's where the turn on comes from with the "bad boys". I don't know how many women I've heard say, "Oh he'll never do that to me.." Yes he will, and he already has. Women get the bad boy, and somewhere in thier head they think they will be the one to change him. To make him a respectable man. But, if that ever did happen they wouldn't be nearly as attracted to him as they were before. | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/8/2008 6:41:54 PM |
Could be worse though... it would suck to be the guy that's investing all sorts of time and effort without realizing that you're not actually even attracted to him.
Have to agree with this myself. Though I would hope that I could tell if the woman was into me or not. | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/8/2008 7:43:39 PM | "...Now that i am dating someone who is as nice as cherry pie, why am I not attracted to him?"
*Nice is not sexy.*
Sorry. There it is. Let's face facts. Only then can we improve our lot in life.
So does that mean you are destined to be eternally drawn to ***holes? Sure! It absolutely does. But not exclusively.
You see, the world is not divided between nice guys and ***holes. There is a third type of man. And this third kind of man is the only one who completely satisfies.
That man is the "Good Guy".
A Good Guy is not a nice man. Not nice at all. In fact, he could be an ***hole... and you know it. But he isn't. He chooses not to be. He chooses to be good. He chooses to be good to you.
The trouble with men today is that they aren't taught what it means to be a man. Most of them fall into either the nice guy or ***hole category.
So what do you do if you can't find one of the Good Guys? You've gotta take some responsibility and make one. If you've got a nice guy then set him straight. Most nice guys have got an inner good guy that they could find, given the right motivation. So make yourself that motivation. Be honest and straight up. Give him the facts as I've given them to you.
*Nice is not sexy.*
He can't improve his or your lot in life unless he knows the truth. | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/8/2008 7:47:59 PM | | How long have you been dating this guy? Sometimes, if you give it more time, an attraction can grow over time for the right person. Of course, not always. I've had some where attraction developed slowly and I've met guys where it never happened, is never going to happen, etc, and so on. | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:17:10 PM |
Everything about him is perfect... cute, works, likes my kids, cooks and is not into drugs or drama! Am i seriuosly broken??? help... please respond OK, I will respond. There is a good chance you are broken. Time to take a step back and take a good hard look at what you are doing.
You say 3 youngest children? You have more, and you state you are single, implying never been married. You find a guy that is willing to look past your plethora of bad choices and you are not attracted to him. Sucks to be you.
Since you are here looking for a "long term relationship" while you are already dating someone, who you have seen fit to introduce to, and get involved with, your children... I am going out on a limb here and suggest that it is very likely that you don't deserve this man.
If you don't feel any attraction to him, let him go and find a good woman who does and will appreciate what he is. Don't drag your feet, and for God's sake, don't let your kids get involved with someone until you know they are someone who a. you are attracted to, and b. step parent material. It's wrong to drag your kids through your romantic life. Let them have a damn childhood. | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:33:56 PM | I said :
He's nice looking and we get along famously (we have a blast)but there wasn't any chemistry there.
ca-soldier said:
condradtict yourself muchca-soldier....
ca-soldier....Where did I contradict myself? Just because he's nice looking and we have a great time (never any intimacy of any sort), why must or should I feel chemistry? He's not one I could ever picture myself being intimate with and his kisses feel like my brother's. Am I missing something here? Do you mean to say that you'd continue to 'date' someone who makes you feel like your sister?
Zeotide....I think you're on the money. Some of the really arrogant ones that I've met are very insecure but a woman doesn't notice that right off the bat-its hiding in the 'act'. My ex bf was extrememly insecure and it took someone else to point that out to me. He's still a 'killer' with the ladies though because he is the bad boy type.
Ishmale/raphael adroit esquire ....Agree with you 100%!
HR  | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/8/2008 9:50:03 PM | Rather than "letting" him go, perhaps you should give him a helpful push...right out of the door!!!
OK, OK.....the "bad boy" thing really amounts to slightly edgy, wicked flirtation. Those who pull it off best are also easy-going, slightly sweet, a tad self-deprecating, and confident (in a non-glaring way). That behavior highly attractive to women. I love it....sooooo sexy. Unfortunately, it sometimes comes attached to players. Not good...time to run. Luckily, however, some of the sincere guys also have the ability to flirt in this manner. On the other hand, a lot of the sincere guys just don't know how to pull this kind of flirtation off....practice, guys, practice.... | |
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wrecks
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Joined: 6/24/2006
Msg: 39 | |
| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/9/2008 12:38:09 AM | No you are not broken - you are working exactly like a woman.
The nice guy has all the charm and assurance and stability but no adventure excitement or challenge.
The bad guy has all the adventure but no stability or respect.
You need to find a guy who can balance these traits, be one sometimes or the other sometimes and know when.
Then again a guy that does have that balance needs to find a woman who can recognize it and appreciate it. | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/9/2008 1:35:30 AM | | You probably won't like to hear this but here I go. The problem is with you. You have low self worth and believe that you don't deserve better in life. Why eles would someone turn down a good prospect for a bad one. I also think you are a "bad girl" birds of a feather flock together. When someone treats you in a way that you can't return you reject them. My question is why is this nice guy with you???? | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:36:08 AM | i dont know you so the best thing to do is ask those closest to you.
In some instances women really are attracted to those that treat them poorly. Its pretty strange but I think it has to do with a lack of maturity for some women, along with poor decisions in relationships of the past.
Without knowing you I just dont know but I'd find out through those around you. | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/9/2008 3:23:49 PM |
Hi John,
Yes, I worried a little about putting that alpha thing in there. I was wrong. Many alpha men are really good guys. I misspoke
No problem. I just wanted to point that there is a difference between being a leader and a jerk/***hole/bully.
An alpha male, in my opinion, is a guy who takes charge when he needs to, stands up for himself, his ideals, and for others when it is necessary, treats others with the same respect that he expects for himself, and doesn't ask anyone else to do something that he wouldn't.
John | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/9/2008 4:04:12 PM | easy...take an look around at the world around you and grow the **** up. It's right there in front of you...you know it's there...know what it is but still can't seem to "get it".
You choose that. Choose something else.
For the record...I'm not judging...I have lots of mistakes I can't seem to stop making!!! | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/10/2008 10:06:06 AM | I guess I just don't get Why a real Lady would get involved with a 'Bad-boy' to Start with...!!
When it comes to women ..
Respect, manners, fun and chemistry are the important things...
NOT abuse, disrespect, control and vulgarity . . | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/11/2008 3:52:19 PM |
"Not really, you can be a leader without being an ***hole."
I disagree.
You can't be a leader without being @$$hole... when the situation calls for it, that is.
Besides that, "@$$hole" means different things to different people.
True, but there is a difference between being an '***hole' when the situation calls for it and just being an all-around ***hole/dick/prick/insert your own term here.
John | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/11/2008 6:08:26 PM | | Some women view men as a "improvement project". Despite all of his faults, these women are convinced they can change or "fix" him. When they finally realize this cannot be done, they move onto the next "project" despite claiming that they do not want any drama etc..When a guy has all the traits that certain women claim they want, well then there is nothing to "fix". There is no challange. Rather than really appreciate that a man does actually have the traits that she is looking for, these women want the man to have these traits because of her. She made him a "better man". I have an ex-girlfriend who constantly complained about the type of guys she got involved with. I told her she was 50% of the problem for allowing it to happen. Her issues were not a coincidence. They were a pattern for which she did not accept responsibility for. | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/11/2008 7:16:10 PM |
why am I not attracted to him? Everything about him is perfect... cute, works, likes my kids, cooks and is not into drugs or drama! Am i seriuosly broken??? help... please respond
Because you don't want to be. You know exactly who and what he represents: Loyalty, love and safety.
Yet deep down you yearn to be with someone: Unpredictable, shallow, and down right not good enough for you.
Are you broken? I don't think so.
You just have "preferences" | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/11/2008 7:59:21 PM | how do i let the bad boy types go?
Simple, choice!
You choose to be attracted to guys who keep you on your toes and keep you excited. You choose to be attracted to guys where anarchy and unpredictability reign. And sadly you choose to be attracted to guys who create drama.
And you ask why you are not attracted to a guy who is not every single one of these things?
Now here is the kicker, you have the power of choice to fix this as well. It is called choosing to be emotionally aware, in control and strong.
You need to choose to look in the mirror and understand why you make these choices. What emotions are triggered when you are with a "bad guy" versus this guy. What emotions are triggered when each of the things you find most attractive are found in a guy. You have to choose to look deep into why you also choose the guys who can trigger these emotions in you to keep you around an otherwise undesirable situation. This won't be easy or painless but it will be enlightening in the end.
You then need to take control over those emotions. Once you find your triggers, control them. Once you find your emotions and desires and where they really come from try to provide those things for yourself. This self empowerment will be life altering and create what is known as self confidence through your own choices.
From there, you will find these "bad boys" will no longer be attracted to you. Because whether people like to admit it or not, these "bad boys" look for victims to take advantage of because of their lack of self awareness and lack of self esteem. You are screaming out "I am a victim come and take advantage of me because I will let you if you push my buttons."
But the choice is yours to make. Will you choose to be a victim or will you choose the hard route and the route of courage and make the changes inside you. That choice is yours.
Good luck! | |
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| how do i let the bad boy types go?
Posted: 7/12/2008 12:17:30 AM | This is going to be harsh, but you need to get some counseling. You're 30 with multiple children, and with the way your post reads, by different fathers. You are ruining their childhoods and they don't deserve that.YOU DO NOT EVER BRING A MAN AROUND YOUR BABIES UNTIL YOU ARE SURE YOU ARE GOING TO BE TOGETHER!
Get some help to figure out why you're still chasing Bad Boys and making such poor decisions. Make no mistake about it, you have issues. Ok, you like Bad Boys, fine. But what about you thinks it's OK to bring men around your children when you're not sure if you want to be with him? So, when you break up with this guy or cheat on him (more than likely both), you will not only break his heart, but your children's also. For the second time (including their fathers). Good job!
I know I'm being hard on you, but you have to understand what you're doing to your children. Especially the girls. Think of it this way; you are dooming them to be just like you. They will like Bad Boys just like you and be just as heart broken and lonely. Is that what you want for them?
When they're 18, you can have all the Bad Boy heart break you want. In the end, it is better that you are bored and alone, than to damage those innocent babies any more than you have.
Get professional help and grow up before you do permanent damage to your kids. And to anyone who feels this is OK for her to do, you should consider going to counseling with her. Maybe you guys can get group rates.
Lateef | |
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