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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:02:37 PM | I can only hope that the next relationship I have is filled with as much if not more love, laughter, friendship and genuine "giving a shit about each other" as my last.
I didn't do anything wrong. He didn't do anything wrong. It was a great relationship that should've stayed a friendship and eventually made it's way back to what it had always been.
No regrets. No hard feelings. The ability to sit down and both admit that we gave it a try but made much better friends for each other than partners.
I would do it all again because I came to really appreciate what I need and have to give in a relationship. Moving forward the only difference in what I hope to find is someone who is not only on the same page.. but in the same book, same chapter, etc. | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:02:53 PM | sherry, re: your message 115 and 120, why don't you stop judging everyone here who posted and tried to answer the question (however they did it) and write your own answer about you?
i have gone back and re-read the posts to see just how lack of responsibility they are and, truly, i see them differently. i see many people daring to say where they were wrong and when it comes down to it, doesn't it really take both people to make or break a relationship? don't they both create their part and effect each other's behavior, reactions, actions?
so to separate completely to try and answer individually is very difficult. you try it.
EDIT TO ADD: seeing there are more posters here also criticizing - come on, people - who is going to finally say this - ok, i will (smile) -
do ya think we're stupid?? we're on a dating site, some hoping to find love here, or at least perhaps a meaningful connection or two.....so is it wise for us to air our worst faults and behaviors from our previous relationship? what i like about this thread is it asked, so what did ya do wrong AND what did ya learn? and some have gone on to answer that part too and that does take some self -reflection. to me it doesn't really matter what has been revealed here publicly as much as what it has made each of us think about within -
for it only really matters to each of us personally (and privately) where we went wrong and what we have learned, or yet to learn, doesn't it?
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:06:46 PM |
What a bunch of F*cking whiners. Can't you people own up to your own mistakes in a relationship. The title of this thread in case you missed it is "what did YOU do wrong in your last relationship" ... not "I did everything right and that b*stard/b*tch SO of mine made me into the whiny person I am today"
So what was my big mistake in my last relationship? Visiting my dying mother? Her being my priority at that time? And while I'm doing that, I'm also starting a class, that I am doing to try to better myself, and up my income? I told him all that up front, but he could handle all that. What I really think is.... well never mind! | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:16:13 PM |
So what was my big mistake in my last relationship? Visiting my dying mother? Her being my priority at that time? And while I'm doing that, I'm also starting a class, that I am doing to try to better myself, and up my income? I told him all that up front, but he could handle all that. What I really think is.... well never mind!
jnh456, I am not talking about just you, but it seems like so many people here think that they did NO wrong at all in their relationship. And maybe it's just me, but it sure seems like a high percentage of people on this dating site aren't willing to look truly inside themselves and say "hey, I'm human and I make mistakes" they just turn to the old tried and true "blame someone else for all my problems" -- kind of a metaphor for the situation in America today, no one wants to take any kind of responsibility.
Your own situation about visiting and taking care of your dying mother was noble, but at the same time do you think that maybe he felt left out of the whole situation? Maybe between that and going back to school he felt you didn't have enough time for him to be a signifigant part of your life. I'm not saying that's what he thought, because I don't know him (or you) from adam, but from experience, there are usually two sides to every story. | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:18:54 PM |
EDIT TO ADD: seeing there are more posters here also criticizing - come on, people - who is going to finally say this - ok, i will (smile) -
do ya think we're stupid?? we're on a dating site, some hoping to find love here, or at least perhaps a meaningful connection or two.....so is it wise for us to air our worst faults and behaviors from our previous relationship? what i like about this thread is it asked, so what did ya do wrong AND what did ya learn? and some have gone on to answer that part too and that does take some self -reflection. to me it doesn't really matter what has been revealed here publicly as much as what it has made each of us think about within - for it only really matters to each of us personally (and privately) where we went wrong and what we have learned, or yet to learn, doesn't it?
Your right, it is a dating site, and as such I prefer to date people who are honest with themselves and with other people. I'd rather go out with a lady who realizes that she has made mistakes in her life then one who thinks that the world owes her a living and her sh*t doesn't stink. I personally have no problem with airing my dirty laundry -- and getting date. Seems to me, women seem to prefer my odd sense of honesty (or maybe its just that weird sense of humor of mine they like) | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:40:00 PM | to put others down for trying to be honest - as honest as they wish to be here - seems petty and judgemental....but then you're just being honest - as I am.
i prefer to not tell the whole world all of my past negativity.....(though I certainly have shared on the forums far more than many here about me personally and honestly - the good, the bad and the ugly has shown), but the thread here seemed to also invite the positive too - and i would rather try and learn from my past and try and hopefully bring some hard learned lessons into a positive light which makes it seem all worth it to me....as I believe it is for everybody.....
plus that is what i love to read here and see in others. my belief is none of us are perfect - we all have dirty laundry - and we all share so much of the same laundry basket - why put down those who are trying to see? why not show some humility? why not show some empathy instead of seeing them critically?
i agree it asks what did 'you' do wrong? well, i think that if someone can see they stuck around too long, or fell in love too quickly, or believed another was more loving than they really were - well, to me that sounds like it is the lesson they went through, whether you believe it falls into acceptable taking responsibility for oneself, or not.
and sometimes, as we all know - our partners we chose were not good people for us - otherwise wouldn't many more of us be still together with them? if we say i went wrong because I did not realize they would not be good for me and why - well again, it is still saying i was wrong. and, as you know, many do still believe they are victims of their lives - that they have not created all they go through, but that life happens to them. and for those people, yes, they will be stuck in victim mentality - until they learn of new perspectives and start seeing what true responsibility is....start seeing they really can change 'what happens to them'.....because it is always ourselves that happens to us.
we're all on the same path with different branches, as far as I can see. we all share responsibility and honesty - and there are so many degrees of both things - and many perspectives on what those words mean. my criticizing another as preaching victimhood is not going to change how they see themselves or their situation. more likely it will invite them to defend their position even more. | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:43:55 PM | | I should have baled when he said he was not sure about having children. My gut told me not to get more involved, but he was cute, educated, and intelligent, so I dismissed my initial reaction. | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:46:04 PM |
So what was my big mistake in my last relationship? Visiting my dying mother? Her being my priority at that time? And while I'm doing that, I'm also starting a class, that I am doing to try to better myself, and up my income? I told him all that up front, but he could handle all that. What I really think is.... well never mind!
jnh456, I am not talking about just you, but it seems like so many people here think that they did NO wrong at all in their relationship. And maybe it's just me, but it sure seems like a high percentage of people on this dating site aren't willing to look truly inside themselves and say "hey, I'm human and I make mistakes" they just turn to theold tried and true "blame someone else for all my problems" -- kind of a metaphor for the situation in America today, no one wants to take any kind of responsibility.
Your own situation about visiting and taking care of your dying mother was noble, but at the same time do you think that maybe he felt left out of the whole situation? Maybe between that and going back to school he felt you didn't have enough time for him to be a signifigant part of your life. I'm not saying that's what he thought, because I don't know him (or you) from adam, but from experience, there are usually two sides to every story]
I tried to include him, but he didn't want to be there. And I can't say that I blame him for that, but if it was happening to someone that I loved, I would be there for them. It wasn't going to last that much longer, and it didn't. He said that he understood about the class, and wanting someone to understand and be there for you, because he did not get that, from his ex.
And that he understood not having all the time to cater to someone, but that is what he wanted.
I'm not saying that I wasn't to blame in the failure of my past relationships. I know I had a part in them. Mostly through ignorance, and trusting someone. But, this last one, I was insightful enough to state exactly what was going on in my life, and what he could expect, he accepted all that, but in the end, he stood by no one other than himself. But that's okay. | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:49:36 PM | I approached him in the first place.
I got involved/attached tho I didn't intend to.
I gave him more credit than I should have.
I stuck around too long.
I made him a priority tho he made me an option.
I should have realized he's a great friend for me but not much else.
A great guy with bad circumstances....does not a relationship make. | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:51:33 PM |
we're all on the same path with different branches, as far as I can see. we all share responsibility and honesty - and there are so many degrees of both things - and many perspectives on what those words mean. my criticizing another as preaching victimhood is not going to change how they see themselves or their situation. more likely it will invite them to defend their position even more.
Very well said, and I agree 100%. Some people will never be able to see what they did wrong and will always be the victims in their own minds. For myself, I choose to see those mistakes that I made and, like you said, learn from them so that I can make myself into a better person for the next girl I date to be with. I'm not sure who said it but "We don't truly live, until we learn from our mistakes." | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:07:22 PM | Well ... the very last one for me wasn't really a relationship it was a fling ...
And what did I do wrong - got into it too much although I very well knew we had a snowball's chance in hell ... BUT as long as it lasted - I have good memories and one of the best times in my life, so ... "no regrets > they don't work" =) | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:18:20 PM | | My problem was she got sick 4 years worth, I tried at first, then I became a doormat, did whatever needed to be done and yes'd her all the time. I became resentful, we fought, my fault, my resentment kept getting in the way. Ultimately she lost respect for me, divorced me. We talked about it a couple of years later, we're OK now, she moved on, so did I. Bob | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:23:21 PM | I knew I was the only one working at the realtionship/parenting.
But instead of dealing with the situation I continued on and became resentful .
I stayed in it for the wrong reason, however good the intentions were.
I guess my method of prevention would have to be finding someone more responsible
and direction oriented in life. | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:33:40 PM | WeAre1,
I was not trying to be judgmental. Truly, I wasn't. But, it is not good for people to not be able to see themselves. If you must lie down and be a doormat for the person that you love, you are not acting as one of the Creator's children. God doesn't make any junk. If, because of your own insecurities (I have been there) you allow your SO to disrespect you, you are disrespecting yourself and mankind in general. We must all stand up for ourselves. And I find this very difficult some times. But, when we allow someone to treat us badly and we stay in that situation because we LOVE them, are we not being selfish and fearful and really looking out for oneself? Doesn't that mean you choose to have crumbs on the floor instead of the cake, because you don't respect yourself enough to demand your spot at the table. Is this not a terrible role for children to see their parents play. I admit it is very much easier to see this as an outsider than it is when you are embroiled in the situation. But, we must all open our eyes and sit at the table of humankind.
Sherry | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:56:50 PM | sherry, i only know my experience from my life and can only empathize about others'.....and i try and use as best i can the tools i have been given towards awareness or spirituality or humanity and humankindness - when i can - and there are times i lose all patience too and have a go at people in a seemingly unfair and judgemental way (perhaps why i took effect from seeing what appeared to be yours).
but what i don't agree with is taking my experiences and my insecurities perhaps and my lessons i needed to learn in myself - where i needed to grow - and projecting my negative beliefs about me onto others - meaning you insist many of the posters here 1.can not see their responsibility for their own faults - and i disagree.
2. are being selfish by staying in relationships that are not respectful of them - and yet, rather than selfishness, as you see it, i sense perhaps they were taught 'duty first' to try and make something work - and then, through no fault of their own specifically (because they were probably taught to blame others for their pain).....it takes a lot for someone to wake up to realize they really are being disrespected and even more to realize they really are being disrespectful (imo)....quite often the other will turn around and say you are the one being disrespectful, not them (because they also have been taught to blame others for their pain).
and, is it not true that what so many wrote here that they did wrong was they stayed longer than they should have?! meaning they did wake up to that awareness!
and if you're talking about God and humankind - isn't it really the kind to humans thing to do is to not judge and criticize, but thank them for going through something that perhaps you or i did not have to because they are processing it sort of like 'for the rest of us'?
besides, people can only do what they can to change things when they are ready.
ok, enough theorizing about others and what you or i feel or think about it.
are you ready to answer this thread yet about you? as the original post asked -
So what things did you do wrong, what mistakes did you make, etc? And how will you prevent yourself from doing it in your next relationship? | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 3:12:40 PM | I did answer it already, WeAre1, but rather than go back and find the message,, I will tell it again. I wanted to move from Houston to Austin, so I would be closer to my children and grandchildren. He did not! So, I told him I was going whether he went or not. And I did! And it was incredibly selfish, but I would do it again. I wanted to do some spiritual work and follow a path to enlightenment. Sounds hooky now, but I was very serious at the time. I felt I had always "gave up" and "gave in" for the family and now it was my turn to experience life. And it was selfish. And I can see it. And I hope that I will never break another heart again. I will surely try my best not to. I have remained alone for the past 6 years, just because I am not sure I could make a commitment to be the "all" for another person. But, my life is very fulfilled.
Sherry | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 3:37:30 PM | Be myself. Too dry, analytical, and unpassionate :|
Could be my german heritage vs her italian. Could just be that I was working my a** off to make a better life for the both of us and I was exhaused! | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 4:47:40 PM |
Could be my german heritage vs her italian.
Funny you should say that...Italian heritage here..his was German..lol..
I have thought a lot about this subject..and because I didn't do anything mean or deliberate, I had trouble finding things...
I had unreasonable expectations for sure...but, I didn't know or understand that at the time ( young). I had an idea of what loving me was...and he didn't have the same view. ( Now I would say it was a difference in male/female thinking)
It's not that I think I am perfect ( far from it), I just know I did the best I knew how to do at the time, and even tried two years of therapy to fix things..in the end , I think we were ill suited to each other...too different..and I had plenty of red flags and ignored them, because of what I wanted to believe...I have faults, like everyone, and hopefully I have learned to control most of them, most of the time.
When it became obvious it couldn't be fixed...I asked for the divorce. He didn't want it..he was basically happy with things the way they were. Eventually, , he told me he was glad I made the move , because he never would have, no matter how bad it could have gotten. It was the right decision.
In the end...I don't think either one of us was "wrong" or "bad"...we just both made a bad choice for the wrong reasons.
On another similar thread I said: While I hope I have learned from my mistakes , I doubt I will ever be perfect...but, hoepfully, I will get better... | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 4:52:45 PM | To WeAre1
Well, what I find truly amazing then is that you call my rather tame observation post "bashing" when you came out in that thread "Traditional vs. Emergent Dating Etiquette and Beliefs." and just really laid into the OP. Whether it's considered justified or not, that is what is considered bashing. Look in the mirror next time.
Cheers
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:00:20 PM |
I made him a priority in my life when I knew I was never a prioity in his.
That would be one of my answers, too. My life started centering around her, when her life was centered around other things (which was my fault for letting that happen).
Also, I was too jealous because I was insecure about myself (keep in mind that she had problems from her past, and she wasn't expressing her feelings for me AT ALL, verbally or physically). | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 6:32:27 PM | a lot of poster have written about giving 100% and giving it too soon. i didn't do that but my ex did.... and i let him.
i was in love with being loved. he made no secret of his feelings and put me on a pedestal where i stayed happily and smugly.
then, near the two year mark, i started to feel trapped and restless. i would snap at him for no reason and make lame excuses to avoid being with him. he was a good man, a gentle giant and i am ashamed to say how much i hurt him.
i was very much in the wrong and , nine months later i still regret how self absorbed i was.
chrissy | |
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| What did YOU do wrong in your last relationship?
Posted: 7/11/2008 6:36:48 PM | i know i did do that to that op and i came right out and said i was wrong to have done it and apologized - did you not see that post in that thread? i also wrote of it here on this thread too - as i wrote in the first paragraph in my post 141 here -
".....i only know my experience from my life and can only empathize about others'.....and i try and use as best i can the tools i have been given towards awareness or spirituality or humanity and humankindness - when i can - and there are times i lose all patience too and have a go at people in a seemingly unfair and judgemental way...."
so, i am well aware that i did that and do not feel good about it.
my main point in my post to you was i just thought it was ironic that rather than answering what's wrong with you, you decided to say what you believed was wrong with the other posters here instead. and you were the only one until then who had done that and it seemed equally as unfair as my criticizing the op of that thread. so i did look in the mirror and i found you. :) actually, i was trying to say that i was surprised there was not more criticizing (or bashing) here where there could have been - and your post was the closest thing, that's all.
obviously, you will write what you wish, and so will i. it's all each person's learning anyway, so it's all for the good, whether things are expressed perfectly here, or not, or as other posters would wish, or not.
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