| | How do you feel when a man puts their children last..Page 2 of 2 (1, 2) | Well I think I must inhabit a different planet to this guy you speak of. I adore my children, I have them as much as I can- I have told every woman I have been with since my divorce that they are down the list after my kids. Funny thing is-a lot of women DO expect you to run around silly over their own kids, and if you try to do the same after your own children you are weak because you aren't standing up to your ex- go figure as they say in the USA. But back to your original question, I think the word bonding is incredibly important, I "bonded with my kids when I was doing four school runs a day, their cooking, ironing, tidying and jsut about everything else while their mum was off being a born again christian with undiagnosed post natal depression and mostly concerned with nurturing her career. Thing is- I know what did was right, for me and the boys, and I know we will always be close because of that- and I feel lucky to have had the chance to experience it to be honest.
I think some of the problem is that a lot of fathers don't realise what they are missing out on- you can lead a horse to water, etc... | |
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/10/2008 2:33:00 PM | yes i was married to him that is why we are now divorced.. ..now how do i handle not one self centered person but his girlfriend is just like him.....my kids don't want to stop seeing their father..because it is their father at least 2 of them my other son doesnt care..so what kind of person does that tell you what he is about..now he has someone who are making my other 2 children feel like ****........and i should just stand back? | |
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/10/2008 2:51:51 PM | Have you tried talking directly to him (without emotion.....anger, contempt, etc.) Just concerned-Mother type talk? If that doesn't/didn't work, I'd assume you have a Custody Agreement in force ~ there is the dreaded option of returning to court or maybe even a mediator to work out the situation. There are cases in your particular state (I lived there myself ~ loved it, btw.) very similar to what you state here which have allowed the non-custodial parent time with the children, yet precludes a new love-interest from being present during said visitation times. I think it's a tough go for all under those circumstances, obviously the best case scenerio would be for you to work this out with him. He really should keep her in line when it comes to his children. Good luck.  | |
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/10/2008 2:59:50 PM | Yes Verygreen...the point is to keep her inline and to tell her this is bothering his children..which he does not do!!....I know i can take this further but i rather not my kids are just pulling more away from their father............
So what do you think about t he women..even if you didnt have children of your own would you do this......she is not young she is 45.....so that tells you what type of person she is..............am i right.... | |
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/10/2008 3:29:21 PM | OP
- I (as a woman with no kids who may date a man with kids) would NEVER stand in the way of his time with his kids. I (as the child of a man who walked away from 3 kids under the age of 4) will NEVER understand how a daddy can do this to his kids. My father went be with a woman who HATED his children and literally pitched a temper tantrum when they visited complete with kicking and screaming (of course this was after the two year disappearing act he pulled right after leaving mom). I still wonder how the hell he stayed with her so long while my mother (who NEVER said a bad thing about him) was let go immediately after having his kids and seeing him through college. All I can say is that you should try to encourage your kids and their dad to spend quality time together as much as possible in the most civil way you can. It's a lot harder to have a good relationship with a distant parent when you're all grown up if they haven't been available to you your whole life. Fortunately I do have a decent relationship with my father and his wife now (different lady) but he knows that deep down there are resentments that will NEVER go away; they're just kept in a drawer and rarely thrown in his face.
That said I also don't think that two incompatible people should stay together just for the sake of the kids - divorcing a spouse is one thing - divesting yourself of your children is heinous. | |
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isoU
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Msg: 34 | |
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/10/2008 4:24:12 PM | Hi Jrsygrl
I have been through your problem, admittedly my children are older, Mind games were used to the point where i didn't know if i was functioning or not, i walked away with virtually nothing bar the clothes on my back,.once that was accomplished the mind games were directed at our children i swear the stories would make your hair stand on end, he then sold our house without telling the kids, i pleaded and begged my way into a bigger place so my kids could come and live with me, he bought a brand new 5 bedroomed house moved her and her kids in and told his own kids that if they didn't like it tough and not to expect anything should anything happen to him because he has signed everything over to her, nice father huh
They have threatened our kids, she actually caught my daughter talking with her dad in the garage the day after his birthday and she took a screaming fit at our daughter telling her that they were not welcome in the house and not to ever come back and he stood there and never said a word, now that has to be the sign of a weak man
But you know what jrsygrl your by far a better person than your x and his girlfriend put together, i know it hurts and its so darn frustrating when you see your kids hurt but your there to show them what a loving parent is. The children will come to see things for themselves and make thier own minds up who they would rather be like.
I have seen my X twice in the last year and both times he stood there infront of me and his words were if i weren't with her down the road then the silence hangs between us, to be honest i've never seen a more miserable looking man in all my life, he has a big fancy house with all the trimmings but he is working his *** off 6 days a week to pay for her and her kids to live in it at a time when he should have been enjoying life with his own children and grandchildren.
Oh yeah and just to give you a wee giggle she's been married and divorced 3 times and her 3 children bless them all have different fathers, He is trapped because he knows she wont go without cleaning him out
So you see what goes around comes around maybe not in the way we think but it does come around.
Children have more sense than adults sometimes and it is highly possible your children are pulling away from thier dad because they sense that he and his girlfriend are damaging thier happiness not only now but in the future too, So chin up girl, love yourself, love your kids, and don't waste another moment trying to keep 2 selfish people in your childrens lives
Good luck in the future
May love and happiness find you and each of your children | |
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/10/2008 4:25:51 PM | I feel bad for their kids, and I write off any interest I might have had in dating them (or even associating with them depending on the situation).
I know firsthand what a child can think and feel in that situation. | |
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/10/2008 4:35:38 PM | So what do you think about t he women..even if you didnt have children of your own would you do this......she is not young she is 45.....so that tells you what type of person she is..............am i right....
As I posted earlier ~
~OP~ It says a lot, most of it not positive. I think it speaks of the man, but it also screams about that particular women. When someone uses a child(ren) for self-serving purpose ~ I would have to think they have serious issues (whether a man or a woman.)
I think it screams of her personal limitations: lack of empathy, trust, insercurities, etc. Most often people are as you state she is due to their lack of core/substance. I do have a grown child, however, when he was 13 I divorced his father and he moved directly in with the final affair ~ it was pretty tough knowing my son was at her (their) home often, however ~ I learned to invite her (and her children) to my home for holidays, etc, because I simply didn't wish for my son to see the ugliness that occurs when adults can't be adults. I feel for you ~ it's a tragedy that she and your ex can't just be part of the solution, rather than the problem. | |
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/10/2008 4:40:33 PM |
I was just asking..if you meet someone and they treat their children and put them last would you want to be bothered with a person like that......male or female.......what does that tell you about someone.....
I was on a date with a guy (first date) when his daughter called (she's 14). The # 1 reason I would Not see him again is because of how he spoke at her on the phone. tsk tsk tsk. Self esteem is soooo bound to how a parent treats you .. dads are important so are moms ..
Since you asked.. I don't think much of people who put their children last.
A.S.is
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/10/2008 4:44:22 PM |
Men sell their soul for a piece of arse ... their children are way lower down the list.
Then I must be crazy as I have refused such things to be with my child. But I also know what you mean as the mother of my child left me for a guy that only uses the fact that he has a child to pick up. To some women, that is more appealling then having to deal with a dedicated dad with an ex that is always going to be there. | |
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/11/2008 6:29:07 AM | OP: Take a deeeeep breath because you're going to be dealing with this for a while...
First things first, if the children are bothered, are they in counseling? They are probably just as frustrated as you are, and being younger, having a harder time dealing with the feelings than you are. So measure that and consider how they're doing.
You cannot control how they act around your kids. You can suggest or discuss how they feel, but ultimately it is up to them to recognize that there's a problem. Getting mad and frustrated over something you cannot control is a waste of energy.
The children WILL see what's going on and voice their concerns. It is up to the parents to listen and adjust. If they cannot I pity them because the kids are going to possibly close that door when they get older.
If there's inappropriate actions, you can get the courts involved, but being a bad parent isn't something you can really do anything about unfortunately. The best thing you can do, as the obviously more responsible parent, is to provide a means for your children to express their feelings. They, as well as you, need to vent. Perhaps family counseling would be helpful?
Hang in there. You're not the only person that understands that the world revolves around the kids, not the selfish parents.
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/11/2008 8:00:04 AM | | Sounds like a communication problem. An maybe 3 stuborn people (don't hate me)bumping horns. But if he's not doing his share in picking the kids up or droping them off thats not fair. Maybe you need to copy off your divorice papers and read through and hi-light the area's where it's explaining the conditions as to who is or isn't transporting the kids then give them to the X. If he's supposed to come pick them up then I'd not cater to his needs or this will continue from there on. If he doesn't pick them up then don't take them. He'd either pick them up or not see them. If he doesn't bring them back when he's supposed to then in some states thats a form of kidnaping. Play by the rules Jerseygirl. Make him play by the rules too. | |
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/12/2008 12:56:47 PM | | So is there anything I can do to tell her to back off.....I have tried a few emails though the years she doesnt have the guts to answer the phone if I were to call......Which i have tried..Believe me I stay out of their life I could not care less but when he comes to the children and how she is making them feel then I feel i have to step in....... | |
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/12/2008 1:13:22 PM | Well it's the typical, no one can make you feel a certain way, you chose your feelings, so perhaps more useful to speak to your kids than her.
Clearly, she's not going anywhere. And just because he puts her first doesn't mean his kids are *last*. They may be second, but that doesn't they are last.
It is for this reason I don't date dads. Someone earlier said always put the sig other second until you're married, then things have to change- as if all of a sudden a piece of paper and a white dress elevate you to a position you previously didn't hold.
I still don't understand how parents can remarry and say "forsaking all others" in wedding vows, when they still put what their children want above all else. | |
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/16/2008 6:42:01 AM | | Well as a man and father of 4 kids....wait aset of twins in there!! They are grown and responsible, kind and caring 3 boys and one girl...my former wife ( sounds better then EX) only had one!! We agreed on raising our kids never had a disagreement, ..when tiny they take up all your time..and I was areally involved dad, my old world Italian neighbor siad: " when they are little, your arms ache, when they grow older , your heart aches" I was fortunate and took kids grocery shopping..sent them off to find stuff I convenienly couldn't remember where in the store it was...gave my former wife a few hours to herself....so do kids come first..last? Depends on how you want them to be as adults..mine are great and I raised the last two for a few years on my own...DJ | |
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| How do you feel when a man puts their children last..
Posted: 7/16/2008 7:11:51 AM | Thank you Goldie for your words...I agree with you totally but as you said it is frustrating. My kids are seeing what kind of father he is and how she is... it might have taken them a few years but they now see it now..
And I always said even though he thinks he is the best father that actions tell all ...How you are as a parent really tells what kind of person you truly are...... | |
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