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 cupatea2010
Joined: 7/30/2007
Msg: 26
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Why am I jealous?Page 2 of 4    (1, 2, 3, 4)
It's been a few months ...it sounds like they are the couple and your the guy on the side ...maybe a stepping stone.

Sometimes people who were once involved have bonded..yet when one party decides to change the rules..they choose a stepping stone to keep their emotions in check.

I do believe she is detaching ..slowly but surely. But sometimes stepping stones are discarded when the break is said and done when they get a taste of freedom...they want to explore their options..

So stay tuned.....
 H2OLuvCoco
Joined: 6/2/2006
Msg: 27
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 1:59:56 PM
Maxi...

it doesn't sound like YOU are insecure. but, want a monogomous relationship. maybe BOTH of you don't want the same things...

you MAY feel insecure in THIS relationship...as it sounds like you and her aren't on the same page.
good luck with this...

Coco
 Blue Eyed Vegas Guy
Joined: 10/30/2007
Msg: 28
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:02:19 PM
Maxisteel,

I understand your situation very well. I think you have every right to feel as you do. Those feelings of jealousy that you have seem justified and those ill feelings in your gut are the warning sirens/red flags you need to heed.

I would NOT trust her at all in this situation. I know it sucks but you also have to look out for yourself here. Try to put some distance between you and her. Possibly go with the no contact strategy at some point.

I am really sorry this is happening to you. I know how it hurts. Keep strong and possibly pursue other options if they present themselves.
 shieldvulf
Joined: 10/30/2006
Msg: 29
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:06:56 PM
Dude! Opie! If your girl is getting the same kind of mixed signals from you that we are, she'd be foolish not to keep her options open.

We are both cool with having friends of the opposite sex.

aaaand . . .

I dont have a problem with this.

aaaand . . .

The go to ballgames, dinner, drinks. I believe that is it.

BUT!

I am jealous. I feel she is keeping him in the scene in case things dont work out with us. [Blah blah] is also a warning sign.


I'm left wondering what "cool with" and "don't have a problem" and "that is it" actually mean to you. My WAG is that you are not cool with it, you have a problem with it, and you think more is going on or will. I also figure that, if you won't be straight with us complete strangers about it, you certainly haven't told her what you actually feel and want. As a result, you've started guessing about her motives and her character instead of bringing it up, saying your piece, and finding out who she is and what she's doing. She would know better than any of us.

So, on the one hand, there's you, not talking about what you want to talk about, not opening up to her. And, otoh, there they are at dinner and drinks, where people, you know, talk! Whatever she dumped him for, I doubt it was his conversation. And I'm left wondering, at last, whether that isn't the crux of the biscuit. They have a vigorous conversation going, and you don't talk so candidly. Aren't you, simply, envious of their conversational intimacy? Isn't he getting something you are not because you won't give it to her?

Cheers!

Vulf
 2ofcup
Joined: 5/11/2008
Msg: 30
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:16:05 PM
"Met a great woman on here a few months ago.
Issue is, she has a close friend that she was intimate with at one time.
"She says she has no feelings, but he loves her, does not want to hear about me at all
.she refuses to introduce me to him

Dude ......I'd be sooooooooo done with her .
There is a reason she won't introduce you to him............THINK ABOUT IT.
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 31
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:17:22 PM
Well, I think you she's either playing games...
Or she's the naive one...
Or you are...
A ballgame is a thing you might do with a friend...
Dinner and drinks is a thing you do with someone you want to sleep with...

If she's willing to sabotage a new relationship for the sake of an old one, then the old one is not over....
It sounds to me like you're the 'rebound' guy...
You can't win...
If you give her a hard time, you're wrong...
If you don't give her a hard time, you're wrong...

She will probably tell you that you're insecure.... Don't fall for that crap... some women love to throw the 'insecurity' card at guys because they know it's a dig to a guy's manliness... They know that it's a no win argument for a guy to contest it...
You argue it, you look insecure and she's won, you don't argue it, she's won...
Don't fall in that trap...

While you're not around, you can bet this guy is filling her head with lines like,"You're too good for him..."
He'll tell her EVERYTHING she wants to hear... And you'll always be the fall guy...

My approach, be better than this guy... Let him make the first mistake... don't let it be you...
Have more fun, keep active, keep busy... Always have somewhere to go if shes not around... make sure she knows you're not sitting on your duff waiting for her...
Above all, don't mope around and look like someone who's puppy got run over... Man up and be a better man than the other guy without being a doormat...
Leave as much space for her as you can without being 'needy'. Let her see you're confident and 'secure'...
Don't bad mouth the guy... It will blow up in your face...
Ask her to limit her activities to things that friends do, so as to not hurt him by 'dragging out their failed relationship'. Point out she's being cruel to him. Suggest finding a female friend to set him up with... (watch her reaction to that one closely).
Point out that you trust her, but not having met the guy, how can you be possibly expected to trust him...
In the meanwhile if it all blows up and she goes back to him, you've had fun, and what have you really lost?
 Greyfeld
Joined: 1/11/2007
Msg: 32
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:18:25 PM

I'll play devil's advocate:

You've only been dating a few months. Maybe she's using HIM as a sounding board, trying to sort out her feelings. Since she is above-board about being with him, I don't see why you can't trust her. The issue with jealousy is trust, right? If you have a niggling suspicino that she is doing more with him, address that with her. On the other hand, I think it is normal for guys to be jealous (there is a good song called the "First Rule of Love" by DelAmitri) of a woman's past loves. just work through it. Don't lose her over this silly issue.


I think this is the most asinine post on this entire thread.

If you want to play devil's advocate, that's fine, but don't do it when somebody needs legitimate help.

Part of being in a loving relationship is trust. However, another part of being in a loving relationship is EARNING TRUST. It's completely unfair to expect your significant other to trust you when you're exhibiting behavior that is typically considered untrustworthy.
 MMinAZ
Joined: 6/17/2008
Msg: 33
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 2:56:00 PM
Hello,
Perhaps some strategic "playing stupid" is in order here? Find a way to get ahold of this guy (phone or email) and ask him for a suggestion about a gift or a favorite restaurant, and if things aren't on the up and up you will find out quickly.
 beachbaby4summer
Joined: 6/25/2008
Msg: 34
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 3:03:28 PM
I hate to say it but the fact that you are jealous is because your intuition is telling you something. The situation is uncomfortable and it's showing in your emotions.

Maybe you are jealous because she is giving you a reason to be. In my personal opinion (and based on personal experience of someone who would compartmentalize their life with me) she is cheating on you. It's obvious at least to me that there's a 95% chance that she doesn't want to introduce you to him because HE is her boyfriend. Again I've experienced this identical situation first-hand. The fact that she spends so much time with him too...not good. And there were once intimate? Even worse. Do yourself a favor and back off from this girl. She is a liar, I can guarantee. And I don't think she is waiting for things to not work out...she has 2 boyfriends and you are 1 of them.

Best of luck.
 seaga
Joined: 1/4/2006
Msg: 35
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 4:37:57 PM
oP its pretty simple, its obvious that she's hiding him for a reason..and like others have said.it just seems that she's keeping him "just in case"..
 luvnlife2
Joined: 12/17/2006
Msg: 36
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 4:51:59 PM

the fact that you are jealous is because your intuition is telling you something.


Yup, the ex boyfriend is still in love with your girlfriend. You need to decide if this is a situation you can tolerate.
 Blueskies123
Joined: 11/3/2006
Msg: 37
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:00:57 PM
I haven't read all the posts..but..

I think he is a great friend to her..she knows he feels more for her..she most likely tries to find women he would/could fall for.
I think ..ok..yes..understand your concern.but past is past..she is with you now..not him..does that not say something?

I think her not wanting you two to meet is her protecting him..maybe you are a very different man to him..maybe he might feel inferior.


ETA..oh..she is a pediatrician...ok..says a lot..one caring lady and good at knowing how to handle people in 'not good' situations..children and parents alike.
I think it's a pretty good sign that you are seeing one great and thoughtful woman to be honest.
 DdavidC
Joined: 6/21/2008
Msg: 38
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:24:37 PM
So if this was your situation, and this was your boyfriend going out with a girl he was intimate with, but not letting you meet her you would be telling everyone what a great and caring boyfriend you have?
 kenny1979
Joined: 4/24/2008
Msg: 39
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:37:22 PM
Hey guy I think that your feeling are right it's possible that he doesn't even know you are dating her she might be telling him that you guys are just good friends or roommates or something ... You know yourself better than anyone else if you know that you don't get jealous very often then she is probably hiding something ....
 Prissymae
Joined: 8/19/2007
Msg: 40
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:44:35 PM
I believe you can have friends of the opposite sex and I have them myself. No movies or dinner but I love going drinking with the "guys". I talk on the phone with them but there is no friends with benefits thing going on.

My opinion? She is hiding something from you.
 aspiring_angel
Joined: 1/25/2006
Msg: 41
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:45:35 PM
So OP if I have dinner and drinks with my ex, is that a problem? The reason my S/O wouldn't be along would be due to his reaction to my ex, and not the other way around. At first my ex did want to split me and my honey up, and yes, he was still trying to get me back. Now? Not so. It's best to keep them apart, because life is just much simpler that way. I hate drama, and in this case, there is no need for any.

Do you think it's possible your sweetheart might possibly think your reaction to her friend would be problematic or drama inducing?

I've known my ex for a very long time (more than 19 years now). I do like to occasionally have dinner with him or toss back a beer. We aren't close pals and we wont be sleeping together - ever.

Sometimes dinner is just dinner. It's nice every once in a great while, have one beer with him and then go home, because in the end, we can be friends (but never again close or close friends).

Best wishes OP, just my point of view.
 forum101
Joined: 2/5/2008
Msg: 42
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:53:46 PM
She is worried about hurting his feelings, but not yours? You know this is gone. Let it go. Step out of it, and dont give it any more energy. She has chosen.
 QTpye16
Joined: 6/29/2007
Msg: 43
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 6:18:14 PM
maxisteel,

You have a right to feel the way you feel. She is hanging out and basically "dating" a guy she was previously intimate with, but most importantly, she KNOWS this guy have feelings for her....this is a BIG no no. If you are in a committed relationship, why in the world would do you this? And to add insult to injury, she will not introduce you to her so called- friend, wonder why? *clears throat*
 kane stays
Joined: 6/8/2008
Msg: 44
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 6:35:36 PM
I don't care if she's a rocket scientist. This game playing smacks of insecurity, Oh look at me I have 2 men wanting me. red flag the size of Texas!! Don't walk,runnnnnnnnnnnn Forrest RUN!!
 sherilyn70
Joined: 1/26/2007
Msg: 45
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 7:08:56 PM
Vulf, usually I can agree with you. But I myself am also very tolerant of opposite sex friendships and would not tolerate what she is doing. It is one thing to even be close or best friends with a member of the opposite sex, but when they refuse to introduce you to them even once then they are hiding something. I don't believe that he is asking to be a part of their friendship but simply to be acknowledged and not hidden from it. My boyfriend is friends with and hangs out with strippers... but if I ever found out there was friend that he refused to introduce me to and he was close to her, well I'd be out of there that minute.
 Nordic33708
Joined: 11/11/2006
Msg: 46
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 7:19:43 PM

We have been inseperable since
No you haven't

The go to ballgames, dinner, drinks.
See? You are seperable.

she refuses to introduce me to him. She says she has no feelings, but he loves her, does not want to hear about me at all.
So she refuses because she's more concerned with HIS Feelings than yours.

I feel she is keeping him in the scene in case things dont work out with us.
No she doesn't. She is playing both of you. I bet money that it's not him that refuses to hear about you. He probably don't even know about you but if he does, she's feeding him the same crap she's feeding you.

The fact that she will not introduce me is also a warning sign.
You just earned a gold star. If you know this? Why ask?


and both feel strongly for each other.
That's what you think. She doesn't.

How many women are there in this world? Why do you want one of the trashy one's? Do yourself a favour and tell her that she can spend all her time with her friend.
 *Respited*Heart*
Joined: 9/19/2007
Msg: 47
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 7:26:26 PM
She sounds immature. If the man loves her and she continues to spend a fair amount of time with her, that's not being fair to him. If she were mature - she would cut ties with him so he can heal and move on...not stay friends if he isn't able to. And not introduce you?

It is what it is with her, him and you. At what point do you respect yourself enough to calmly tell her that you aren't willing to be with someone that is acting that way and move on. Ultimatiums it isn't. It's minding your boundries, holding others to that standard.

Good luck.
 Just 4 You
Joined: 1/25/2005
Msg: 48
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 10:42:22 PM
Here's how women think.... If you're seeing another woman, it's down-right cheating!!! But if you catch her with another guy, she'll say it's nothing serious, and is probably telling him the same thing about you!
 m_church
Joined: 11/8/2007
Msg: 49
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Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:04:49 PM

The reason my S/O wouldn't be along would be due to his reaction to my ex, and not the other way around. At first my ex did want to split me and my honey up, and yes, he was still trying to get me back. Now? Not so. It's best to keep them apart, because life is just much simpler that way. I hate drama, and in this case, there is no need for any.

If you are doing what your ex wants and not your S/O, then baby, your ex is really your S/O...
S/O stands for SIGNIFICANT other... not INSIGNIFICANT Other...
You've effectively made your ex more important than the guy you're seeing...
Gee, no wonder he has a reaction to your ex...
Airhead....
 ~Angel-Eyes~
Joined: 6/1/2008
Msg: 50
Why am I jealous?
Posted: 7/11/2008 11:35:44 PM
The fact you wont let you two "meet" would give major red flags. If there is NOTHING GOING ON, then there'd be nothing to hide. And if he is so "in love" with her still, that doesn't signal a friendship....... if I had a friend who loved me i'd tell him he needs to suck it up and get over it or we can't be friends.
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