| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 4:05:12 PM | I think it would be fine to have a commitment ceremony...but frankly, I don't even need that.
If my partner and I are happy, and doing well, why rock the boat. I am not in a relationship to gain assets, and I don't have any to lose hehe. | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 4:11:37 PM | I've known several people who have had a private ceremony of commitment, never legally married. That relationship has lasted longer then any of their marriages have. Never the less, I also know several people who are married, have been married to the same person for decades, and all is well. I also know some, but less that several, who were married once before and decided to stay in the second marriage after some pretty almost unforgivable stuff happened, saying they stayed because they loved that person. I also have a long time friend who got divorced and then remarried the same person again, after an affair, creating a child out of the situation.
To be honest, it's what ever floats any ones boat. If people choose to go the route of ceremony without legalization, they are not hurting anybody, just other peoples high minded, closed minded judgments. It takes all kinds of people to make this world work and change is hard for some to except. This sight may get deleted, as religion will be a major factor of this threads subject. And they say, "Thou shall not judge", but it's funny, cause if this sight gets deleted, I'd say there would be some judging going on.
My answer to this thread:
I've got my hands full of life, so this sort of thing is not something I've even thought about. But if I met someone who happened to turn my head and then grabbed my heart, where I would be looking at either option, I don't see anything wrong with a commitment ceremony. I like to do things different and have no real need to be legally institutionalized. If someone has difficulty understanding what I wrote here, just pick up a dictionary, and read the definition for Marriage, then you’ll understand it better. | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:22:09 PM | I was married once for 10 years, actually only married in the legal sense for five but seperated for another 5 before getting divorced. When i left my ex there was no big nasty split, no lawyers were involved, we sat down together and worked things out.
There was two great kids involved and we were both determined to make sure to leave the animosity out of our split. In the end we worked out an agreement that we both could live with and we moved on with our lives. Today i can honestly say my ex-wife is one of my closest and dearest friends. We were never really meant to be a couple but i love her with all my heart as a friend and the mother of my kids.
Years later i lived with a woman in a commited relationship for about 6 years. At the end of our relationship we actually did the same thing, we sat down and worked out an arrangement we both thought was fair. Marriage is not for everyone, just as something like a commitment ceremony would not be everyone cup of tea.
But a lot of people get a false sense of security from being married, it's almost as if they expect the whole thing to fall apart someday and they need to be protected. Or worst yet they think being married is some kind of krptonite against infidelity. | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 5:51:05 PM | I disagree, although I can see your point.
I had the same happening to me but I would get married again, under the right condition and with the right person. As far as I am concerned, it is more than a piece of paper; this does not mean that if you ever decide to divorce, you cannot work out your disagreement peacefully, as both you and I did. But it is not for everybody and it is not for the indecisive. Honestly I have never liked the word "girlfriend", "partner", "live in companion" etc....The only word I can accept for a serious deal is the word "Wife", or "Legal Friend". When I was married, I have never felt "secure", meaning "safe", so I don't see how you can relate the word "false security" to marriage. Everything can be "false", even a relationship whose commitment has been celebrated ( actually, that one even more so......if one needs to put up the parade) | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 6:06:23 PM | A "commitment" ceremony as you describe is NOT a commitment.
This type only says we are together "for now... but if someone better comes along, or you get sick, or fat, or lose your looks or your job I can walk"
What kind of commitment is THAT.
Marriage is a legal and social contract. The intent is enter into for rest of your life. But there ARE ways to disolve.
Having a "commitment ceremony" to provide for an easier way to part ways is NOT a commitment, but a "you'll do, for now" and to me that is just not acceptable. You are committed or you are NOT.
A "commitment ceremony" to establish intent is nice, but isn't that what the engagement is for. | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 32 | |
| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 6:18:22 PM |
Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
I dont personally see the point of a commitment ceremony.
Why would a make a fuss of something that effectively meant nothing? To tell my friends and family? I figure they've already worked it out.
I could opt out of a relationship with a commitment ceremony on a whim just as much as if we didnt do it.
So whats so special about it? And if Im gonna draw up a cohabitation agreement...*scratches head*...why not just get married and have a pre-nup?
Unless someone isnt 100% committed to them being a life partner...in which case Ive got no use for them at all.
No friendship and no FWB either.
You're either my partner or you are not.
Marriage to me ...besides a multitude of other reasons...means Im in it for life.
Thats means I will blend all facets of my life willingly.
Cos if I wasnt prepared to do that willingly...I sure as shit wouldnt be involved with that person in the first place.
I dont get involved with someone to put up boundaries or have an escape clause.
We're supposed to be integrating our lives.
Oh well...each to their own. | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 6:29:43 PM | ^ Because it DOES mean something. Just because it isn't legally binding doesn't mean that it isn't a life time commitment. Given that 50% of legal "life time" commitments fail, I can't really see a huge difference other than a slight hesitation to bring legality into it.
But that's my intellectual side talking again... | |
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~Kyn~
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Joined: 2/15/2008
Msg: 34 | |
| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 6:35:04 PM | I dunno what your laws are where you come from...but all I need to do is live with a guy and get a good lawyer and whether we have a marriage, commitment ceremony or even live together...if I want as much as I can possibly want and get outta a man...I'll get it. Its not difficult.
Infact..I dont even have to live with someone to play the law and stake a claim.
If someone wants to screw you over...they'll do it.
Everyone spends way too much time trying to figure out how NOT to get fcuked financially and NOT enough time devoted to the right partner and the relationship/marriage.
And sorry...but a commitment ceremony doesnt mean a thing to me.
If I dont wanna marry a man...then that gives him a pretty good indication exactly what I think of him. | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 6:58:02 PM | I will never understand the living together without being married concept. Sorry but to me it seems like two people playing house. I would also feel the man I was involved with was saying you are good enough to live with, but not good enough to marry.
Holy matrimony? I am not religious, as a result I really don't see it that way but rather see it as a full adult commitment to join with that person and the two of you becoming a family. Yes a lot of marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't mean you should throw out the whole idea of marriage. Not to mention, what is the failure rate of those just living together? | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 7:03:00 PM | A few years ago I would have said neither.
It wasn't marriage that ruined everything, it was the guy in the marriage........
I could go round the rest of my life worrying about someone taking my house or my stuff.........things and stuff are nice but all the stuff and things can be taken away tomorrow for other reasons.
So why would I remain single in order to protect my stuff?
Leave work and in a hurry to get home............to be loved and get love, from my stuff.
If my first thought is...I don't want to get married or commit to someone, because I don't want to give up half my stuff...........then I don't think I would even bother trying to find anyone...to not share my life with.
It's not sharing unless it's done all the way.
And for just a "piece" of arse............. What a sweet talking guy........!
The right person...the love of my life.........the perfect man for me...........I will promise to share all my stuff.
Would I risk my 7 acres and a mule......you dang right.
House, falling down barn, and a few acres of swamp land...whoops, wetland. 
I put it all on the line.
I can get more stuff and can live in a tent............heck, I lived in a car with two small children before.
Didn't like it but was, proud and thankful, I had the car to live in.
Want to know what happened to all my stuff and the house.............the dill weed I was married to, took it all, and put us out on the street.
I would rather risk everything and know I tried than to sit back and guard my stuff.
Formal ceremony or just verbal.......when I commit, I'm in all the way.
I always keep my promises.........
Oh and he can keep his stuff..........if he wants too. 
I have plenty of my own.
ceeceekitty | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 7:08:18 PM | I haven't found anyone that I would want to make a committment with anywhere.
A committment ceremony like a marriage seems too final and the vows can get broken easily too.
I'm happier staying single. I have more peace of mind, I don't mind having friends or dating. But committments ceremonies are not for this free spirit!
Thank you | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 7:12:35 PM | Kyn: "Everyone spends way too much time trying to figure out how NOT to get fcuked financially and NOT enough time devoted to the right partner and the relationship/marriage."
ceeceekitty: "I would rather risk everything and know I tried than to sit back and guard my stuff."
Guess they pretty well summed up my point of view.
~ds~ | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 8:02:44 PM | Kyn- most places in the US don't have common law marriage. Most don't require any sort of support for someone that you only lived with. That eliminates the sort of thing that you're talking about.
As to the person that doesn't understand the whole "living together without marrying someone"... I would never marry someone I haven't lived with. Too many years of hearing my mother say that if she'd lived with dad she would've married him. (Though she usually says this when she's very angry.)
I believe in knowing what you're getting in to as much as possible. It isn't "playing house" as much as it is "I'm very serious and I want to marry you." And given that I've had one live in relationship that went to hell... I'm glad I didn't go with the "Sure, let's get married" plan. | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 8:59:42 PM | I've read through all of the comments, and I agree that I wouldn't be comfortable marrying someone that I hadn't lived with first. It allows me to get to know the REAL them (as we're sharing close living quarters). :-D Hopefully (!) no unfortunate surprises.
That said, I reside in Canada...and after one year of cohabitating with a partner, they become your spouse. If you have a child with someone, then you are automatically common-law under our laws. Common-law marriages are treated EXACTLY the same, here as legal marriages (and all parties have the same rights as those who have the piece of paper). I want to get married, but I guess it really makes no difference - I'm married if I live with them for a while.
I would never get married without a prenuptual agreement. I've seen friends go through some pretty messy divorces, and if my relationship ends....I want it to be quick and painless. :-D That said, by getting the prenup, I am not entering the relationship expecting it to fail. I am simply protecting myself, and whoever is with me. :-)
Hmmmmm.....I was going to say more, but, I can't remember what that was..... Maybe I'll post later if it comes back to me. :-) | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 9:11:28 PM | That won't work. Do you know why people actually have legal marriages? The same reason lots of people around where I live have kids. To use as an almost guarantee. To be able to lock-down the relationship so that it's difficult to get out of.
How many couples do you know that stayed together for 20+ years without getting legally marries? I'm sure you might have heard of some very rare occurrence on the news once or twice but beyond that it doesn't happen! People don't and won't admit it but it's obviously true. People should just be able to stay together by a nice marriage ceremony and not have to have the law intervene. But people need virtual handcuffs especially now of all times. People are so greedy and break up over the dumbest things these days. | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/11/2008 9:18:27 PM | | I find it interesting how people seem to think a marraige signals commtiment and nothing else does. I have friends who think that way. They don't understand that people walk away from a marraige as easily as they do living together. This is especially true if you don't have much in the way of assets. A marraige license is not going to convince someone to stay if they don't want to. Marraige is fine for some people but I never understood why anyone would feel more secure for it. Every day when you make a choice to come home to your partner, you are making a commitment all over again. Remembering that someone comes home to you every day (and you to them) is important. It helps you not take the other party for granted. | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/12/2008 2:37:46 AM |
Marraige is fine for some people but I never understood why anyone would feel more secure for it.
Simple. Its all about beliefs and choices. There is neither right nor wrong in this situation, just whats right for you. I know, I would not feel totally committed if I wasn't married, thats just me, its how I'm wired, and what I believe is right for my life.
I'm not going to knock somebody because they believe differently, just don't criticise my way of thinking because its not what you believe is right for you.
As far as assets, its a mute point. Regardless of HOW you live together, after a bit of time, depending on your place of residence, its all considered as binding as a marriage. If you're worried about losing assets, then a prenup would probably be best for you, I also have no problem with that, were I to ever enter into marriage again.
Our situations and opinions are all different, only you can choose whats right for your life. | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/12/2008 4:49:07 AM | | ^ I guess that makes since. Though, I'll admit, I have a hard time understanding the first part. I'm generally totally committed to any relationship that I'm in. | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/12/2008 5:31:18 AM |
Though, I'll admit, I have a hard time understanding the first part. I'm generally totally committed to any relationship that I'm in.
You don't have to understand it. I was just stating that marriage is whats good for ME, not anyone else. Whatever you need to do to feel committed, you do. As long as you and your partner agree, thats all that really matters. Make sense? | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/12/2008 8:34:53 AM | " I will never understand the living together without being married concept. Sorry but to me it seems like two people playing house. I would also feel the man I was involved with was saying you are good enough to live with, but not good enough to marry"
Sounds like you have some real insecurity issues that you need to work on.
I live in Canada, If i choose to live together with a woman for over a year.... In the eyes of Canadian law, we're married!!!!! She now has the exact same right has if we went to church and did the whole thing in front of a preacher. So no i would never look at a commitment to live with a woman as "playing house". | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:06:50 AM | Would something like this work for you, or would you actually have to be bonded together in holy matrimony? . Do you think this is still a strong enough commitment or is it just a cop out for people that really are scared of really going all the way?
No
Yes
No
Yes
In the eyes of Canadian law, we're married!!!!! She now has the exact same right has if we went to church and did the whole thing in front of a preacher. So no i would never look at a commitment to live with a woman as "playing house".
If you're referring to women who want to marry a man for his money or other assets, I can see why you would think this way. For those women who want to marry for love, however, what you say is not the point. The point would be whether our guy wants to make that commitment to us, not whether we could still try to get his money. | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:19:49 AM | For myself I still believe in the holy bond of matrimony and if the time comes when I connect with that one man I want to share my life with I can't see any greater gift of love than devoting my life and love to him exclusively for the rest of our lives.
I realize that not all marriages will stand the test of time - but I don't believe that negates the value of matrimony. A wedding without a marriage sounds more like role playing since no legal committment is being made.
It really does sound like something the wedding industry would create just so they can increase annual revenue. Now instead of a once in a lifetime event, it can be annual event with whichever flavour of the year one decides to artificially commit to. | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:51:18 AM | | The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'. ~ Anonymous | |
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| Marriage VS a commitnent ceremony?
Posted: 7/12/2008 1:11:34 PM | Hello
In Ontario , Canada marriage and common law do have some differences on how assets are divided. The differences are very small tho.
I would do a civil or a make your own vows marriage ceremony if that was some thing she wanted do. As long as there was no religion in the ceremony i'd be very happy to do this for her. | |
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