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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/13/2008 6:56:15 PM | I would take back my ex. The apology would not be the essential thing, though, but simply evidence of change or growth that put his path crossing mine again. But people generally aren't their own accountability. If a relationship fails and I feel bad about it, I try to use forgiveness, not to get them back, not to make what they did OK, (because it wasn't), but to be able to not *need* an apology.
An apology is just words. It can be used to manipulate someone, or it can be a temporary feeling of remorse, not for what's been done, but that one was "caught."
If my ex changed on his own, for his own reasons, for his own growth and development, or because he is in a different place in his life, and if that person were to be someone I was compatible with, emotionally, physically, and spiritually, then yes.
People don't change much personality-wise. I think our children often grow us up--mature us, but for different reasons than adults do. A boss can dictate or inspire us to be better. A parent can raise a child well, and have high expectations of them. Life's natural consequences change people (and not always for the better.) But male/female relationships are better if they are mutual. I don't want my significant other to be my "accountability partner," or for him to feel that I am his.
I like it when we can inspire each other, cheerlead each other, discuss things if we make mistakes, and hold goodwill toward each other--give each other the benefit of the doubt sometimes.
But the best thing I can do for him, and he can do for me, is to see me realistically for who I am (beyond the initial fantasy of the honeymoon phase of love) and accept me for who I am and where I am right now, in spite of existing flaws I have. And I offer the same to him; honest appreciation and acceptance of who he is, and where he is at this time in his life. If I go into this relationship with higher expectations than that, I risk resenting him, and him resenting me.
If my ex were to be that person, someone I could not only forgive, but with eyes wide open, accept and not resent, then yes, I would "take him back" but not to trap him into a never ending repayment of hurts done in the past. It would have to be a fresh start.
Lingering guilt, unspoken resentment, wounds that still tingle, unmet expectations, worry and fear, jealousy and hypervigilance, hesitation and sadness, even remorse--are all things that can spoil love--even a love that once was worth marrying for. | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:16:58 PM |
Sorry everyone but I am pretty confident that although everyone says and wants to think they would say no just may not actually get the words out in the moment then one thing leads to another and before you know it their back.
NO...really. I would not.
Not saying that there aren't men/women who would take their exes back...but NO. I really wouldn't. He thought that I was cheating because I didn't answer my home phone, but didn't call my cell...had no real reason to even believe it but because of his insecurities and apparently HE was flirting around, he tried to put it on me. As I said in my first post, his daughter, who did battle royale with me the entire time we dated, begged me to call her dad. She said that I had been the "best woman" her dad had ever been involved with and apologized for being a brat. I told her that since her father had accused me of something I had never done, and had hurt me more than I thought possible at that time, I couldn't see it (there had been a lot building up to me finally walking away..straw...camel's back...etc). And was sorry. Next thing I know, he's managed to "show up" where my p/t job is. Actually was walking towards me and when I realized it was him, said hello and sidestepped him. Left him standing there looking after me. Imagine how HARD that was...knowing that I could have stopped and talked to him and gone back. But I remembered that he had lied to me too many times before and that if I did take him back, I'd get fooled again.
So no...that's a generalization that isn't valid. There are many reasons to consider it but there are times that no, really, there's no reason to take someone back. | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:24:04 PM | If the apology were sincere enough, the guy and I might one day manage to be friends (provided we had common interests to justify any time spent together), but no I wouldn't take him back.
He's my ex for a reason: we're incompatible no matter what our best intentions may be. | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:28:07 PM |
I think the keywords are 'IF".....if someone is humble enough to admit they 'may' have been wrong. Many won't apologize for anything...this I know from experience.
Kimbo...exactly. IF the person is willing to even admit that they're wrong is where you have to start. My ex in question had gotten caught in a stupid lie (he said he'd pick his daughter up and didn't...although there were 3 people there who heard him say it) and refused to admit that he was wrong. He refused to admit to his own child that he was wrong...what does that say?
I can apologize..have apologized. Will continue to do so, because I truly believe that even if the person you're apologizing to doesn't accept it, YOU need to do it to help yourself. But that's just me. I may not be perfect but I'm willing to admit it. | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:57:09 PM | A sincere apology has great value for both parties. It's healing and gives closure.
But to take him/her back on an apology? Depends on the crimes. My exH was abusive and I would love him to acknowledge that to both me and our daughters, but I would never, never want him near me again.
My exBF, who I still love, was emotionally crippled by bipolar depression and possibly BPD. To hear him acknowledge that I am neither on a pedestal nor a black heart would be sweet words to hear, only because it would indicate his own progress - but that will never happen. I could never trust him again; amongst the wonderful lived many lies and much cheating.
No, I would NOT take back the two big exes of my life. Time to move forward. | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/13/2008 10:54:09 PM | | It sounds your ex would apologize and would always expect from you forgiveness. I learnt that this is part of abusive behaviour. Abusers will always expect you to forgive them, but they have no intention to grow or change. Can you live with that? | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/15/2008 5:02:00 AM | i have not read the thread yet, so my thoughts might adjust, but first impressions are your post is not what your title asks, op....
random thoughts -
1. i am astounded by the number of men you have attracted that are the 'sinned' and apologizing type that want you back, no matter what.
2. and then i see your last sentence and believe it reveals the essence of your truth and shows perhaps why you do attract men like this -
I think I'm doing fine as far as not pining for him. I just want that apology - and yet, I don't.
it seems you have become perhaps more attached to the apologies than the men and your relationships with them.
i am not saying these men were meant to be with you...and reality shows they are not meant to be with you, because they aren't)....not meaning things can't change....
3. why are you focusing on how these men have changed, or not, instead of looking at how you might need or wish to change?
4. i read your first part of your post and i have to disagree - i have never done what you think we all do - no, op, this is something about you that i don't share so i don't really know how to respond....other than the observations i've expressed here.
I know most people will have an emphatic NO!, and that's usually the easy answer, but when it comes down to it, we have all done it, we all curl up with or pillows when we are lonely and wish for the perfect apology and then, we wonder how will react when the apology is too perfect.
and i'm not sure what you are projecting our 'emphatic no' to - to take him back? isn't it your emphatic 'no' that keeps showing itself?
5. i think you will not like my next point, so i apoligize if you can not hear it yet....but it seems your ego might be controlling things here - or covering up for you and distracting you from your deeper issues of lost love with these men - if it existed with them.
6. i would get some professional help to get to the heart of why you keep attracting these types of men....or why your relationships become these types of relationships.....and why it seems you are the one who is breaking up with them repeateadly because they have done something 'terribly wrong'.....
7. it's time to take some responsibility for you and what you are doing and why, really, it seems despite your need for apologies, they really don't give the guys any more of a chance than if they had never humbled themselves to give them at all.
8. sincere apologies are not easy to give if one feels they have done wrong....are you giving these guys any credit for them at all - in terms of what they are offering, rather than focusing on what you are receiving?
9. have you ever had things reversed and sat around and thought about feeling you really needed to apologize to someone because you felt so strongly you wished them to know you were sorry?
10. it seems you might be just living one side of this issue - it is not just receiving of an apology that is important - it is in the giving of it that also speaks loads for compassion, and for our ability to feel empathy.
11. i'm not sure those areas of you are getting as much attention as the ones you are writing about in your original post.
12. i suddenly realized i have a strong feeling your getting an apology gives you the reassurance you are loved.....ahhhh....
(if so, look deep within and see perhaps, are you equally distorted in your loving too?)
13. as i get older, i see most people, men and women, are distorted in our loving - in our ability to give love and to receive it. it's not easy to keep doing and eventually we come up face to face with our distortions - desparately asking us to look at them finally - to address them - to work with them and to heal them!
14. this is your opportunity, op, to finally get to the heart of this issue for you - it has come back enough times for you to clearly see and know - it's time to get to the heart of it.
15. healing it is the only way it will change because it is the only way you will change.
16. if you have love for any of the men at your door asking for forgiveness - real love for and from them - my advice is to embrace it - don't throw it away - use this point as a stepping stone for both of you (all of you) to jump through the illusions and all carry. see if you can turn this all around because i think the universe is telling you - really, finally, it's time. | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/15/2008 10:07:18 AM | Weare1
People like you freak me out.
I'm 40. I've had 4 long term relationships (the first two while quite young) and NO short term relationships. This number astounds you???I maintain loving friendships that last decades. I don't know where you come off with a novel of obsessive questions and insulting assumptions. You read that I would "take them back no matter what" and that shows me that you read my post with a bizarre agenda.
You don't answer the question because you feel left out? If you've never been hurt so bad that you wanted an apology, I apologize for including you in that group- I meant "we all" in terms of those of us who are single at middle age in part because things went wrong in past relationships and we've had moments of loneliness with that hurt when we've wondered about the strength of our resolve to stay away from someone. You've never been that lonely? Good for you. Read all the other posts and see that a lot of people do know hurt and lonely. None of them would appreciate having those feelings dissected as if they were wrong or abnormal to feel.
You think that I need to find out why I attract men like this? Men who, uh, screw up real bad and apologize? This is a problem for me?
I'm "attached to the apologies?" WTF? Again, we're talking about 3 apologies here that didn't cut it enough for me to take three men back,. out of almost 25 years. 3. 25. Am I too demanding? I didn't ask for any of those three. Since there won't be an apology coming from the fourth, the point is moot.
You think I should change? OK, someone screws you over, not just screws up, but really screws you over, and shows that it's in his character to continue to do so, and you should change to what? Change into a person who accepts that treatment? You first. Let me know how that works out for ya.
isn't it your emphatic 'no' that keeps showing itself?
uh, duh? I don't know how else to answer that.
i think you will not like my next point, so i apoligize if you can not hear it yet....but it seems your ego might be controlling things here - or covering up for you and distracting you from your deeper issues of lost love with these men - if it existed with them.
My ego is pretty f'n big lady, it don't even come close to fitting on this page.... but if you're gonna accuse me of not having loved these men, and not still loving them, we gotta take this outside.
i would get some professional help
yeah, you do dat..... and maybe you'll later show enough self esteem to type "I" once in a while. Look it up in psychology 101, chronic usage of lower case "i" when speaking of your opinions.
it's time to take some responsibility for you and what you are doing and why, really, it seems despite your need for apologies, they really don't give the guys any more of a chance than if they had never humbled themselves to give them at all.
I BROKE UP WITH THEM. I did not then turn around and say, everything would be like it was if they would just apologize. They each came to me with apologies after it was OVER. No, they didn't have a chance, regardless. Again, duh. And I take FULL responsibility {and egotistical pride) for saying "I'm done." to each of them.
sincere apologies are not easy to give if one feels they have done wrong....are you giving these guys any credit for them at all - in terms of what they are offering, rather than focusing on what you are receiving?
No, their behavior/character remained the same, so they were "offering" me nothing but closure on our intimate relationship and helped make it easier to forgive them and move on. We did manage to create two strong and very long friendships that did not make me a welcome mat for their nonsense.
have you ever had things reversed and sat around and thought about feeling you really needed to apologize to someone because you felt so strongly you wished them to know you were sorry?
No. I've been a C^NT my whole life.
it seems you might be just living one side of this issue
Yeah. Again, duh. I was wronged by persons who should not have wronged me and I took my side. Should I have taken theirs? Will you take mine?
i'm not sure those areas of you are getting as much attention as the ones you are writing about in your original post ?????? wtf???? huh???? Yeah, this belly fat needs attention... is that what you mean?
i suddenly realized i have a strong feeling your getting an apology gives you the reassurance you are loved.....ahhhh....
I suddenly have the strong feeling that playing armchair psychologist makes you feel superior....
(if so, look deep within and see perhaps, are you equally distorted in your loving too?)
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna eat some worms. I've lived in a vacuum but for these 4 completely unloving relationships. My mother hated me, my father abandoned me, my brother sold me, my sister wouldn't let me play were her dolls and my dog ran away to the pound to avoid me. My children rejected me and every friend who ever said they loved me was just lying.... There is no love for me and never was.. is that distorted enough for you? Seriously, people like you freak me out.
as i get older, i see most people, men and women, are distorted in our loving - in our ability to give love and to receive it.
people see what they want to see.... ahhhhhhh...
really, finally, it's time.
Time for you to read the post, maybe pay attention while reading.... and see that I merely answered my own question of which I presented for others to answer in kind? Do you need to do an armchair analysis of every poster and their answers too before you do your own? Go ahead. Start with msg 2.
Geeze, I ain't perfect and did not present myself as such. I am content with myself, I am content with my choices, I am quite at rest with my past AND my exes. I have spent a lot of time wondering why I want the apology from this last ex, the ONLY apology I have ever asked for, by the way....
I did have a small epiphany about it all last night. I am still utterly stunned that this person (whom I thought was heroic and amazing and of such goodness that I let him into my world) could do such a terrible thing to anyone he claimed to care about and who cared about him. What is between us is broken and can't be fixed, but it hurts my heart to think that he might not be the good man I thought he was. An apology would prove that he's a decent human being after all, one who just screwed up. I'd like to part my life from his knowing that he is good, instead of believing about him what I believe now. It saddens me greatly, to think of him in the terms that I do now.
THAT is why I want this one and ONLY apology that I have asked of anyone in all my 40 years. I'm not just hurt for what he did, I'm hurt for who he became.
Analyze that. | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/15/2008 11:21:22 AM | i'm sorry.....sorry you read my post as an insult because i did not write it from that place. i wrote it from my perspective and my life - from me - someone who comes from the opposite place - from someone who has never had someone she loved after a relationship ended come to me and apologize for anything they did...i come from the other side of your post, op - the one who apologizes, but not to ask for a relationship to continue and not for closure - but just because i feel badly for something i might have done or said....like now ....i am apologizing for you misunderstanding me and what i meant, which to some would seem insane, but not to me because you feel my words hurt you and that was not my intention.....so i am sorry for how you took my post. (argh! can't explain this without going around in circles it feels!!)
i'm one that apologizes because i take everything to heart and i also get pissed off sometimes and when i express it and it upsets people, then i get upset and apologetic because i've spoken out so strongly.
i'm sorry my post pissed you off. really. i was just hoping to show that to say you're sorry is not an easy thing to do and because your men have,, i thought was really commendable - really amazing to me - and it seemed you didn't appreciate them doing it.....from my perspective.
my point wasn't you'd take them back no matter what at all - it was the opposite - that i somehow thought you meant they were apologizing because they wanted you back, no matter what.
i read it all again afterwards and wondered if i had misunderstood some of it - coming from my own 'stuff'. i wish i had read the whole thread before i posted anything, for you added more in your later posts that said you really loved the last one.....
above you share your pain about him and i do feel for you op, hearing your vulnerability now that for some reason i didn't or couldn't before.
i think we all screw up sometimes and i don't think it means we are not good people. i think we all need apologies - both to give them when we feel we have hurt another and to receive them when we feel hurt by another....
i wrote that line to you about feeling loved and reassured when you are apologized to because that's how i feel when i am apologized too. and i read it when i wrote it and was very aware i was talking about me then and i thought you might share that feeling too.
i know i seemed harsh, as your post to me is too. i did not write it to hurt you - no, just wrote what came to me reading your original post.
don't take it so personally (i know - hard not to do that for it seems i was writing it to you, of course)....but i thought about it afterwards, i think we all post and tell each other in these threads what we actually are telling or needing to tell ourselves, really.
by the way, i write most of the time these days in all small case letters - it's just easier and please don't take that personally either.
and, regarding your 'pattern' - didn't you point out earlier in the thread that you were surprised more people didn't say something about it? well, i noticed it, but then you came down on me like a ton of bricks for noticing it.
so, you want me to answer your question?
i can't. i don't know. it has never happened, so i don't know what i would do. if i loved someone and they did something that i felt was so damaging that it broke up the relationship and then they came to apologize sincerely and i knew they meant it - and they wanted me back just like that? i don't know. there are so many more factors to the question - have they really worked on the issue - say cheating - or addiction - if they had really changed and could show me how they had changed and could share with me the healing and if i also had done the work on me to heal and forgive both them and myself - because i think it always takes both people that create the making or breaking of any relationship (cuz there's always stuff that's not as obvious going on responsible - that it's never just one person's 'fault' or just one person 'to blame')....
if together we stepped onto a healing path after the work we had done individually showed our love could continue then to blossom and grow -
then absolutely, op - it would be my dearest dream that someone i loved who loved me could continue on the path with me.
but, and it's a huge but - i have serious doubts all that could happen with anyone from my past because when it comes right down to it - forgiveness is a many layered reality.....and the one time i tried to continue with one i loved dearly, who loved me dearly too - we found we just could not break through the veil of hurt we had created - the wall of pain that was preventing us from really and truly being loving with each other again.
so, with both people apologizing and forgiving - if both were really capable of doing that on the deepest level and then continuing from there with new intentions - ones that meant there would not be quite so much need for apology and forgiveness - then yes, i think it could work. but only then. | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/15/2008 12:35:34 PM | Definitely not but each case is different.
Actually in my case my separating from my ex turned on a light bulb for him. He is now the father he always should have been, his mother thanks me daily for a son she never thought existed though she hurts that we are not together but supports my decision.
I never expected an apology from my ex though I have heard it several times, and I do believe it is truly sincere. I came to terms with my decision and made it only when I was 100% sure of what I wanted. I did not make it emotionally or hurriedly. I'm happy for him and ESPECIALLY my children that he is making such wonderful changes in himself and how he lives his life. They can only benefit from it.
However that does not erase the past or my lack of love for him. I hope one day he is able to find someone that he is compatible with and his changes will effect his life in a positive way. Don't think you can ask for a better apology then that, yet my answer is still and will always be No. | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/15/2008 2:01:29 PM | | One thing I am finally learning at age 38 (uugghhh) people do not change. So, they can say they are sorry all they want, but you have answered your own question; he has said he is "sorry" but the behavior is not "changing". I would say move on. Even if he gives you the apology, will you find it sincere? I know for me, probably not. You deserve better than that! | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/15/2008 3:52:21 PM | apolgy accepted... just stop freakin me out.
<div class="quote">by the way, i write most of the time these days in all small case letters - it's just easier and please don't take that personally either. whatever your reason, look it up, it's an indicative behavior.
<div class="quote">and, regarding your 'pattern' - didn't you point out earlier in the thread that you were surprised more people didn't say something about it? well, i noticed it, but then you came down on me like a ton of bricks for noticing it.
I mentioned surprise that more people hadn't because it is a rampant habit throughout these forums among the armchair psychologists to use that particular tact on any OP. Of course there's a pattern, but it's not the one people are seeing. All four were looking for a Mommy and the first three were men who chose me but treated me so well that I was charmed. All four presented a great deal of charm and confidence and all four ended up being grossly insecure and would do anything to serve that insecurity. All four took it as a personal kind of rejection when they found out my true personality wasn't the fantasy they created.
Of course, there's a pattern. As I say in another post elsewhere, though, there's been an outward change in me in the last years that has completely changed the kind of man who is attracted to me, and I've noticed that they like me for me, not this dumb fantasy I ignorantly projected.
People who have known all four men can find no similarities of them in personality, character, lifestyle, value and certainly not religion. I liked the way they treated me. I loved the way the last made me feel beautiful and as if I could accomplish anything. I loved him for all my insecurities that seemed to go missing when he was there.
And I forgive him for all the insecurities in me that never returned just because he's gone, and because, even though he's not in my life anymore, I feel beautiful and like I can accomplish anything... One could say, he created a good habit in me. | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/15/2008 4:09:26 PM | I think part of the problem is you remain friends with your exs. If they have hurt you so bad that you feel you need an apology....WHY on earth do you want to be friends with them?
I have no idea why my ex-wife wanted a divorce. I gave it to her because of what she did. Am I friends with her? Hell no. Do I wish she could be mature enough to apologize? Yes......amd I holding my breath waiting for it? Nope. Do I care? Nope. Would I take her back if she did apologize? Hell no.
Never look back. Always look up and move forward. Full speed ahead and damn the torpedos. | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/15/2008 8:55:47 PM | ^ I'm friends with two of the four exes and that is because we were friends first, and because the injury done had to do with with the kind of relationship that we had. As friends, there is no issue, for instance, Number two with his last year obsessiveness with accusing me of cheating on me, well as friends, it's not an issue. These friendships were hard won and some years have been less close than others. So again, I don't see the problem.
I think life is a full circle and worthy of looking at in all directions. | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/15/2008 9:25:37 PM | ... I have done it a few times for one individual without paying attention to the real reasons why it ended to start with and why it was not in my best interest to go back.
Today, as I write this ..... not a chance. It took some learning, but it is definitely an impossibility today. 'Your actions keep speaking so loudly that I can't hear what you are saying'.
There is no apology sincere enough that could even begin to take away the pain caused by deliberate actions, or the deliberate use of words that cause harm. If it takes you several times to figure it out, you have to figure out why you aren't the brightest crayola in the box, take accountability, and tell the big bad tiger who will never change his stripes to move onnnnnnnnn. Forgive him (or her, for the men) and run.
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/16/2008 2:21:03 PM | | No i hope he dies a slow painful death and let someone else put up wityh his crap...guy a low life and he did apologise for ages and i thought f.ck off ones bitten twice shy some men are just such nasty little d.icks you wont shot of them as quick as possible...and sooner...go back id rather jump off a building....nasty vile little shitybag | |
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| If the apology were sincere enough, would you take back your ex?
Posted: 7/16/2008 2:45:39 PM | | Depends on which ex and which point in time. Over the years I've had several relationships and I have, in fact, given one or two a second try. Obviously, none worked in the end. And at this point, there's been far too much water under the bridge to rekindle any of them except maybe the last one. As for it, that would be a tough decision but I'd like to think my brain would overrule my emotion and I'd say no. I don't want or need an apology and we didn't break up due to something either one of us did wrong. We apparently just weren't meant to be and the proverbial bump in the road that we hit just provided an excuse for us each to go our own way. But that was just my situation. A different situation would call for a different response. | |
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