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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 6:38:33 AM | Don't let the cards and flowers thing fool ya. Went that route with my x! It would make my heart melt when he sent a card for no reason or brought home flowers. Soon as I said 'i do' it stopped cold turkey. He explained that his actions were a part of the 'courtship' stage and now we were married?!?!?! So yes he was able to be romantic, but it was by choice and need, not from the heart.
Lasted 14 years (about 8 more than it shoud) till I divorced him. Then guess what happened - the roses and cards started again. Give me a break...
Now what makes me happy when I date someone is what their frame of reference is regarding romance. The lavish things are still a little too over the top for me, but things like squeezing my hand unexpectedly when you hold it or a hug by the kitchen sink goes a long way.
If you are frustrated that he is not performing up to your expectations now, it won't get any better in the future. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 7:08:22 AM | Those things are nice but at this point in my life, I am much more appreciative of a guy who reminds me when my tire treads are getting marginal or otherwise does things that really matter to my well-being.
While my X is not an example of my finest choosing in terms of a guy, one of the things I liked about him was that he would do stuff like notice I needed a tooth brush and grab one for me when he was at Wal-Mart.
You need to understand what the man or woman is like and understand that their romantic gestures may not be what you perceive as romantic gestures. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 7:22:24 AM |
My fear is I do it to much sometimes.
Can it ever be too much? Unless she is unappreciative, unless she expects them and does noting for you in return. And it doesnt have to involve anything monetary.........things like a kiss when you walk in the door.....running a bath......cooking a suprise favorite meal....that special look when you are relaxing in your favorite chair.
PEACE | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 8:15:04 AM |
I'd just rather change him into what I want rather than find someone who will
satisfy me...
I think if this is your outlook on the relationship, neither of you two will ever be fully happy. It sounds like you care more about the relationship than you care for this particular guy, and you're hoping to force this guy into matching your view of the relationship. If you can't accept the way this guy is, then quite wasting his (and your) time, and move on. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 8:28:35 AM | OP, I believe some guys just don't think of that stuff. Just as some girls are romantics and some not, some guys are not. We romantics will be hard pressed to find someone who equals us in that department. In one relationship, I didn't get flowers from him until year 5 of the relationship, in spite my mentioning it casually at different points. I did eventually get them, but I realized that he just wasn't the romantic type and it wasn't fair to force it on him. I didn't want him to give me flowers (for example) because I wanted them, I wanted him to give me them because he wanted to give. I wasn't about to change him - that was who he was.
Romance is important to me but I am aware that, based on my past experiences, I may not find a 'match' who feels the same way about it as I do. We just have to consider all of the things that are important to us, weigh them and figure out which qualities/characteristics are MUST HAVES and which ones are 'meh, I don't absolutely NEED that, I just want it' and go from there. Keep your standards high, but realistic.
That's what I'm thinkin' this Saturday morning as I sit sipping my first coffee of the weekend.
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 8:41:58 AM |
I do those little things for him all the time.
OP, while you do those little things for him, they are probably not what he really wants.
Just like he doesn't automatically know what you like, you probably don't have a clue to his desires either.
We all tend to treat others as we would want and that's not necessarily the thing to do. Most guys don't care too much about girlie romantic gestures. Try to figure out what he wants from you...
and don't forget to notice what he does now -- even if it is not exactly your ideal. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 9:39:28 AM | OP...April Rain,
Are you absolutely sure that he does not perform little things for you? Help you with the dishes without being asked...make the bed together...wait for you at the door...hold you hand in public...help you cook..please you first?
It doesn't always have to be an obvious, token romantic gesture...and when he does something small for you...do you acknowledge it with pleasure and a hug? We all love appreciation, and I for instance, love getting those unexpected hugs...kisses....*&% and keep working for it. Karma..... | |
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kgrl08
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Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 33 | |
| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 3:59:29 PM | | The guy Iam dating now,does those sweet lil things,brings ne coffee in am,remebers the things we talk about and acts on it,makes me lunches,dinners,gives me hugs,makes me smile,laugh,gives me cards for no reason,its been a long time and Iam happy to be treated so nice! | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 7:42:26 PM | Thats a good question,
I think the little things differ in a relationship depending on the people. There are no set rules of "romantic communication". I think the best way for you to encourage someone to be more aware of the little things is to tell them in a positive way what you like and what makes you feel appreciated and wanted. All of us want that at times... just a little extra something to brighten your day or for the person to show they care. I think thts how a relationship develops, big romantic gestures are nice. But its the little things that help create the bond between people. So boys listen-up, as pointless as it seems, an email, text, or phone call out of the blue does bring a smile to you S.O.
On the flip side ... girls we need to find out what our guy appreciates :) it goes both ways. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 7:43:07 PM | | If you fall in love with a guy too fast, and overcompensate with giving him too much, he will never appreciate your effort. If you sleep with him too fast, and cook for him, and make his bed and wash his clothes, he will not reciprocate. The little things you want need to come from him wanting you. If you do everything for him, he will not have anything to "win over". He already has control over you, and so he is not motivated to doing anything out of the ordinary for you, because you have "extinguished his fire" by giving him everything up front, with very little effort on is part. He has put very little into the relationship, and you gave it all to him, so he considers this to be "your standard", and you can't change it.....unless you start out with another guy and read the book Why Men Love ****es. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 8:10:23 PM |
It doesn't necessarily seem to be changing him, more so as it is
"bringing him to the realization"
Rain, this is just two different ways of saying the same thing.
I think of the Serenity Prayer here
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The Courage to change the things that I can
And the Wisdom to know the difference
Whenever I am jammed because someone isn't acting as 'I' believe they should be
I go to that little mantra. It helps
I do however believe that People can change...if they are willing, and paying attention..especially to the little things
and especially if you have told him how this makes you feel...have you attempted that?.......or just patiently tried to thank him for every little thing...like him turning out the light, which, of course , would seem appropriate if you are going to sleep anyway.
And, I do believe that it is often little things that matter...i will usually drop a little something to someone I care about daily, if I cannot be with them. Even a few little lines, or words...it's good for the Soul.
While i mostly believe that you cannot change a person who doesn't want to change...and, it's really not our jobs to do this....little things, such as you describe would seem very easy to accomodate. It's all about paying attention, really.
Hope things work for you
and that your man pays attention a wee bit more
Peace
Kimbo | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 9:11:01 PM | Did you teach your men these little things? Were you able to drop enough hints for your man to start being more romantic? Were any of you able to "change" your man into realizing that he should do little things for you - as you do for him? What do you do to get the romantic/sweet wheel in his head to start turning when it's all jammed up - when extreme hints and flat out communication doesn't seem to work??
I don't "teach" the men I date how to be romantic. They either are or they're not. Whenever a guy I was seeing did something romantic that knocked my socks off, I made sure to tell him (and show him) how much it meant to me and how much I appreciated it (you know.....a little positive reinforcement, if you will). If the guy wasn't a romantic, he just didn't do those little things. End of story. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 9:27:16 PM |
If you fall in love with a guy too fast, and overcompensate with giving him too much, he will never appreciate your effort. If you sleep with him too fast, and cook for him, and make his bed and wash his clothes, he will not reciprocate. The little things you want need to come from him wanting you. If you do everything for him, he will not have anything to "win over". He already has control over you, and so he is not motivated to doing anything out of the ordinary for you, because you have "extinguished his fire" by giving him everything up front, with very little effort on is part. He has put very little into the relationship, and you gave it all to him, so he considers this to be "your standard", and you can't change it.....unless you start out with another guy and read the book Why Men Love ****es.
Theres a flip side to that also. If a guy does several nice romantic things and the girl is just totally blank about it or she acts like "so what, thats what he's SUPPOSED to do"...he will probably lose interest. Sure, he is doing those things for her, to brighten up her day and make her feel special, but he ALSO wants to be made to feel special. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 9:52:21 PM |
If you fall in love with a guy too fast, and overcompensate with giving him too much, he will never appreciate your effort. If you sleep with him too fast, and cook for him, and make his bed and wash his clothes, he will not reciprocate. The little things you want need to come from him wanting you. If you do everything for him, he will not have anything to "win over". He already has control over you, and so he is not motivated to doing anything out of the ordinary for you, because you have "extinguished his fire" by giving him everything up front, with very little effort on is part. He has put very little into the relationship, and you gave it all to him, so he considers this to be "your standard", and you can't change it.....unless you start out with another guy and read the book Why Men Love ****es.
Says you! If a woman were to treat me like that - I would treat her exactly the same way (although I seriously doubt a woman would go to such lengths for me lol, but i digress..) Theres no need for either gender to "win over" the other - thats jsut a stupid mind game to make the other feel like their somehow "better". A relationship should be EQUAL in all things, if she gives alot, then he should too - and vice versa...
fucking stereotypes...
To the OP - romantic gestures comes naturally to me, I simply put myself in her position - I know I always like "the little things" - so i would of course do the same for her, if for nothing else, to bring a smile. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 10:06:44 PM | Help you with the dishes without being asked...make the bed together...help you cook..?
Have you missed the movement where women fought to be treated equally? I think you forgot "does he let you speak without being spoken to? Does he let you walk beside him instead of behind him?" If some guy felt HELPING me with the dishes or cooking is doing something nice for me, he should move back in with his mom!
OP- How many threads have you created complaining about your boyfriend? In every one of them, people tell you if you're unhappy - leave so you both can be free to find someone you're compatible with. I'm not sure how many times this advice has to be given to you before you get it. There is a saying "the true meaning of stupidity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result." | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 10:41:25 PM | Perhaps between doing the big things (working to fill the fridge, paying the bills, moving mountains and slaying dragons) and the medium things (helping with dishes, making the bed together, helping cook) - both of which don't count from a female perspective - the average man may just be too exhausted to do the little things. However, those are the only things a non-working wife tends to put on the scales. Some of the little things she does 'for us' (like getting nails done, working out, all the self-help and self-actualization stuff) she might have done anyway. Since she actually has at least 8 hours more - not counting lunch, commute or overtime - she just MAY naturally lead the list of little things. Her shopping probably adds to one of my big things though, you know, the paying the bills part. And I have yet to witness recurring or at least occasional thanks for enabling an easy life, be it in my world of in the lives of people I know.
My next partner/LTR/girlfriend will have a job. Don't care what kind of job. It makes it so much easier, when a) she pitches in and b) she understands the fatigue after a long day. From work, not shopping. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:01:14 PM | I think some men are just clueless and some are just selfish. I have known some married couples in which the man never showed up with a Valentines Day card or an Anniversary gift. The women were lucky if they got a Birthday or Christmas gift. These are the men who also seem to be allergic to saying, "I love you". I don't know if my men were just born thoughtful or whether some other woman was good enough to teach them how much these things mean to a woman. I just know that I have been very fortunate in these matters. Perhaps you should have a talk with him and tell him how much these "little" things can mean to a woman.
Sherry | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:18:50 PM | I find that I naturally do those little things. It's not anything I was "taught", I just like for the woman in my life to know that, no matter how busy I am with my demanding job or how much I have on my mind, that she is always in my thoughts and that she makes my world a better place. I'll admit that I can occasionally get in those modes where I am preoccupied with my career, but if I have someone in my life that I care about, nothing makes me happier than to create a little surprise now and then that brings a smile to my significant other. I ususally make a big deal of special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, V-day, etc. Perhaps I also do it because despite my often business-like exterior, I'm really a bit of a softy when it comes to my romantic interests, and I truly appreciate having those things done for me as well.
Actions often speak louder than words. You can "talk the talk" and profess your affection, but actually showing you care with occasional little notes, midday emails, flowers for no particular reason, etc. really make a big difference in a relationship. Once people get past the "polite" stage of relationships and things get a little more routine, those gestures often fade away. It's important to continue to make the effort you did when you first met. Too much can be a bad thing as it can become routine as well, but most people still really enjoy that occasional gesture (one that shows thought and a little effort) that lets them know they mean a lot to someone else.
To more specifically address your situation, men tend to respond better to direct communication rather than subtle hints, and we are not mind readers (some of us have trouble reading our own minds. LOL). Some men also tend to have a "cause and effect" way of looking at the world. Maybe the best way to encourage your man to do those things would be to make a big fuss on those rare occasions when he does something like that. Positive reinforcement. Let him know how much those gestures make your day and tell him that it makes you feel as special as when you first started dating. Even if his gesture is less than stellar, the old line "It's the thought that counts" still applies, so make it known how much you appreciate his thoughtfulness.
Good luck!! | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:57:19 PM |
Do you find you do those little things naturally?
What little things you talking about? Kiss on the cheek, yes. Picking up a special sauce at 5pm (rush hour) across town, no!
What bugs me is that there no such a thing as "little things". Even the kiss on the cheek isn't a little thing... try doing it when you're really pissed at your partner.
Did you read it in a "how to be romantic" book?
No.The title should read: "How to pretend to be romantic".
Do you do it to get points?
No, sex. For the points I have: Air miles, Petro-Canada card, Sears cards, Shoppers card, etc. etc. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/12/2008 11:59:58 PM | | my bf is very good about the little things, even if its just bringing me coffee in the morning, or bringing me lunch at work, or run me a bubble bath, i think i do alot of little things for him too..i don't think a relationship would make me happy without them. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/13/2008 12:17:31 AM | I agree with smileee4u msg 35, words of pure gold there.
I also think the ability to think about the small and frequent exchanges of affection are a sign of a man's general intelligence level.
I think few men realise women are in need of small regular reassurance of their affection until they have lost their partners at least once, some need to lose their partners quite a few times over to get the hint. Perhaps less cheating would happen if their partners felt valued - gasp.
It would be an ideal world if more men became aware that it is not about money, and big gestures but the small everyday interactions and shared responsibility that are important.
I think the idea of romance can be imparted and suggested, concrete thinkers do sometimes need to have more abstract concepts explained to them in small bite sized pieces for their comprehension. A note on the refrigerator or a calendar on the wall for example may be a cue for some of the more challenged to remember to be nice on a regular basis.
It would take considerable effort to encourage some that there is a benefit to them in doing these nice things hence you need to make them realise they have to keep on working to hold your affection and loyalty, the relationship isn't a done deal once they have gained screw time.
There are, however some men who do grow up and eventually realise their love is worth hanging onto and caring for., pity so many become very old men before that golden longed for time - and for what gain? I only wish I understood why men feel so cheaply and meanly about the women who love them, all for the sake of a loving glance, word or touch that costs nothing - why lose their home, assets and children for the sake of gestures that cost little more than breadcrumbs? Who can understand their choice or reasoning, as to why they are so very ignorant and callous? | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/13/2008 12:18:25 AM | I think that some guys just don't have the "gene" in them to think about those things. In MY opinion the little things are much more important than the big things. If both people are trying to do little things to please each other, then everyone should be happy.
I have had this back fire on me. Once when I was dumped I was told that was one of the things she didn't like. We'd be talking and I would Take notice of things she said or mentioned and wallah in the very near future it would show up.
I was recently dumped (haven't completely given up yet) The Bubble bath, lotion and beattles CD was a big hit before she left on a 5 week vacation).
I think for the most part that its all in the person's personality. I get GREAT joy out of doing little things for people that I care about and seeing them happy. Some people are givers and some are takers. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/13/2008 1:18:42 AM |
I believe some guys just don't think of that stuff. Just as some girls are romantics and some not, some guys are not
Exactly! Some people just naturally do the little things for the people they know and care about. It doesn't have to be tied to a relationship, just simply toward the people they love.
The past winter, several of my friends were sick. Since they don't live at home with their parents anymore, they were confined to the couch by themselves. So I brought everyone's soup over to their place and checked up on them with a call a few hours later. I love my friends and wanted them to be okay. I didn't expect anything in return knowing that this is how I am and they may not be the same way.
But last week, this new guy I'm dating found out that Ive never recieved flowers and when I did have a boyfriend during Valentine's Day, they didn't do anything; not a rose or even a card. So he surprised me on my day off with a dozen roses and red and white balloons with "Happy Valentine's Day" written on with marker. It was the sweetest thing in the world.
The little things we do for others isn't based on what gender we are, but rather who we are as people. Some of us instinctively do things for others even when we're not asked; whether its leaving little love post-its or bringing soup. The rest, well its not instinct. But it doesn't mean that the things that they do aren't considerate or thoughtful. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/13/2008 1:44:09 AM |
Ladies - Did you teach your men these little things? Were you able to drop enough hints for your man to start being more romantic? Were any of you able to "change" your man into realizing that he should do little things for you - as you do for him? What do you do to get the romantic/sweet wheel in his head to start turning when it's all jammed up - when extreme hints and flat out communication doesn't seem to work??
Opie, If he does not do these things already, he never will. You cannot change someone. It just doesn't work. So you have a decision to make. Do you love this man enough to stay with him forever even if he never does or says any of the little romantic things. There are just some men in this world who will never be romantic, get gifts, ect. I used to think it was just a matter of how we treat them. Ya know the golden rule...Treat others as you would have them treat you. But that is not the case. Some men seem to be just naturally selfish and even if they claim to love you, you better catch the words on tape when they said them because thats probably the only time your going to hear it. If you try to explain what you need from the relationship he will likely ignore it. If you are driven to the point of issuing ultimatums you might as well head out the door because there is no future there. | |
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| It's the little things...
Posted: 7/13/2008 4:09:49 AM |
Ya know the golden rule...Treat others as you would have them treat you.
A different version of the golden rule: treat others as they would like to be treated.  | |
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