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| conflict resolution
Posted: 7/12/2008 8:18:28 AM | OP - through a different set of eyes, okay?
When I met my boyfriend, one of the things that attracted me was his insistence that as adults in a committed relationship, we would work through any conflict.
His insistence actually contradicts conflict resolution in the broader sense. Actually, this smacks of covert aggression from the BF. In other words, "we should work through every conflict, however, I insist that you conform to what I think the resolution should be."
He is impossible to talk to when he is upset, and worse than that, he will act as if everything is resolved and ok - until the next day, when he pouts and stays away.
Of course he's impossible to talk to when he's upset. Welcome to manipulation via "I want my way and I will throw a temper tantrum until you finally come around to my way of thinking." Big clue: "he acts as if everything is resolved and ok." So what is honest and open about this relationship again?
On the way to work, I sent him a text telling him he means everything to me. Can you imagine my surprise when he texted me back, "How many times have I heard that before. Don't make dinner for me tonight, I won't be home." It's 10:30pm, and I haven't seen nor heard from him. OP - you must be doing a good job of standing your ground as he's trying a different approach to derail you.
Notice the huge disconnect between what he says and what is does.
Advice on how to deal with this kind of behavior?
Oh yes - say bye bye to this one. He's messing with your head and your emotions. Now, unless you enjoy that sort of roller coaster ride - best step off of it as it will get worse - not better. These are huge red flags of what far to many people miss in the beginning of abusive and controlling relationships. Pay attention to the fact that what he SAYS is not in line with what he DOES. Albeit subtle control in the beginning, sounds like he's testing the waters for more overt crap. He's challenging you by that (not coming home tonight. So, are you going to subject yourself to that degree of disrespect? I hope not!
Cut your losses and move on. If living together, time for you to make other arrangements.
Is anyone (besides me LOL) surprised that things are not playing out the way I expected?
Nope - he set the expectation with you. You bought into the words. Now you know the words were meaningless dribble as his behavior as described do not support his words.
Good luck!
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Posted: 7/12/2008 8:46:22 AM | your post, angelheart, and especially your last words, are making me re-think this....
perhaps his 'working through any conflict' words were wishful thinking, or a warning as others have eluded to?
he set the expectation with you. You bought into the words. Now you know the words were meaningless dribble as his behavior as described do not support his words.
so, something came to me reading your post and by the end it clarified - op, be careful and do some utterly honest and deep reflecting in yourself on yours and this man's ability to create real harmony together....or not. my last relationship broke down when it became clear for both people that it had the potential for more pain than love.
and the words came to me for you - perhaps you need to
"wake up to reality and don't get stuck in duality". | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 9:14:17 AM |
perhaps his 'working through any conflict' words were wishful thinking, or a warning as others have eluded to?
I see it in the same light as "me thinks thou protesteth too much." That the op's bf had to insist on conflict resolution is a fairly good indicator that his ability to effectively resolve conflicts as been an issue in past relationship. At least at a minimum indicative of unreconciled baggage.
the words came to me for you - perhaps you need to "wake up to reality and don't get stuck in duality".
Who precisely are these words directed towards? | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 9:21:44 AM | i'm sorry it wasn't clear, aheart - the whole second half of my post was directed to the op.
in other words, perhaps she needs to see, rather than try and resolve the duality they clearly are living in this moment, perhaps she needs to wake up that they might never really have unity.....
wake up to reality instead of trying to make their duality work....
(as one option, for only she knows or will know when it clarifies what's best to do here, imo.) | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 9:28:23 AM | Angelheart, you are a genius. You have hit the nail on the head.
He is impossible to talk to when he is upset, and worse than that, he will act as if everything is resolved and ok - until the next day, when he pouts and stays away. He was lying, he is not an adult in a committed relationship. To say it is childish is a vast understatement. This is passive manipulation, he is seeking to control you by withholding his affection and attention. It's aggressive and abusive behavior. Don't let him get away with it a moment longer. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 9:28:44 AM | wake up to reality instead of trying to make their duality work....
Agree - (although I wouldn't call it duality- more a mutual effort to control/change each other to fit each other's wishful thinking).
And to the other poster that said:
passive manipulation,
Passive manipulation is a form of covert aggression actually. :wink:
EDIT: refer to post after this one:
Sometimes you have to keep your mouth shut, think about things. Sit back and relax. Remember he is at work all day he doesn't have the whole day to think about it. While this lady I assume isn't working has the chance to think about it. So obviously he needs more time. Plus there's other things in his life he has to deal with not just her. People need to be patient, wait for the right time to discuss things, think things through. Just because two people constantly talk about the problem doesn't mean it will be resolved. Patience is the key. Sadly people want quick fixes.
So does that mean honesty flies out the window? OP describes him being all lovey dovey the night before - convenient, huh? So she, in good faith that whatever tensions were there previously were resolved, texts him and he suddenly isn't coming home that night?
Looks to me like the BF was looking for the "quick fix" - not the OP! | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 9:32:05 AM |
Your entitled to your opinion, but consider, he claims "adults in a committed relationship work through any conflict", that isn't happening.
There's a time frame to workout a conflict? Why do people want things to happen so fast? Some problems takes times. Sometimes you have to keep your mouth shut, think about things. Sit back and relax. Remember he is at work all day he doesn't have the whole day to think about it. While this lady I assume isn't working has the chance to think about it. So obviously he needs more time. Plus there's other things in his life he has to deal with not just her. People need to be patient, wait for the right time to discuss things, think things through. Just because two people constantly talk about the problem doesn't mean it will be resolved. Patience is the key. Sadly people want quick fixes. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 9:53:33 AM |
While this lady I assume isn't working has the chance to think about it...
She said she texted him while she was on her way to work.
Patience is the key. Sadly people want quick fixes.
True, but that's not what this subject is about. The "key" in this situation is that the OP's boyfriend doesn't seem to understand how to effectively resolve conflicts in a relationship, despite his original assertion to the contrary. Taking some time out to think things through is one thing. Allowing her to believe that whatever conflict they had was resolved by bedtime, only to turn around and behave like a child the next day, still stewing about whatever transpired the day before, is quite another.
So while he may have needed more time to process things, he should have communicated that to her in a more constructive and adult-like manner. But he didn't. Instead he chose, as others have mentioned, the passive-aggressive route. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 9:59:01 AM | Personally, I feel that angelheart's view is a little harsh. People often do say "being able to do this is really important to me", without necessarily knowing how to go about achieving that -- it's not unnatural or necessarily intentionally deceptive. To want to be able to resolve conflicts, or to deal with things in a particular way -- even knowing in theory how you want to respond to things -- does not mean that when you feel vulnerable and backed into a corner and scared of being judged, abandoned or whatever that you can live up to that.
I agree that it is possible that this man set out to be controlling and abusive towards the OP by using conflict to gain power, but really, should we assume he is a psychopath based on destructive behaviour during a conflict. Who of us can claim to have lived up to our ideal behaviour during every conflict and always been able to overcome feelings of hurt in order to not ever act childishly. I know I can't claim that: hurt and fear are strong instincts in the heat of moments.
I think the OP's partner needs to be given more chance to resolve conflict positively rather than abandoned at this stage and called a liar because of his inability to do what he has stated he would like to be able to do. Talk with him about methods of resolving conflict when there is not a conflict to resolve -- work together to figure out what to try and try until/unless you realise he has no interest in trying or no ability to do so -- I don't think there is evidence of this yet. Constant reference to his behaviour as "childish" is an unhelpful judgement -- understanding why he represses things in fear of conflict and then stews over them and is unhappy later and seeing these in terms of responses to a very human fear would perhaps be more useful in finding a key to resolving the situation. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 10:11:17 AM | more humbling words from you rune.
yes, perhaps it is all too easy to be too quick to judge - to judge at all ...i think some here are seeing this more through his eyes, perhaps (or trying to), and some through her's (or trying to), all based on our own life experiences.
i love that her basic two choices seem to be beautifully illustrated in this thread and why -
and i do feel more humbled reading your words both before and here, and i felt more defeated reading angelheart's - sort of gave the energy of hopelessness, where with your words i feel hopeful.
i can see both views as equally valid (even if not expressed as gently)....and i thank the op for starting this thread. i hope it helps her on her path.
Edit: yes, crazyl - and that's why we can only guess at what is really happening here, because we only have a glimpse of it, as it seems the op is also doing because his actions are confusing, to say the least. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 10:36:22 AM | Some times conflict has nothing to do with the original disagreement. How disagreements are handled are important. Who knows how both the op and her partner handle things? For someone to say it is ok in front of someone and then when they are not there change their tune there is more to the dynamic then meets the eye.
Perhaps the OP steam roles unintentionally, or doesn't take care of his feelings during conflict, who knows.
One things is clear though it is never the fault of one person and the dynamic needs to be looked at and not just the behaviour of one person. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 10:44:35 AM | Sorry to come across as so hopeless to some posters. I look at the "data" provided and while it may sound harsh, reality often is quite harsh.
As the BF has not offered "his" side, all we have to work with is what the OP has provided.
*By OP's own words, her expectations of him are not in line with his behavior.
*By her own words, his behavior is not in line with the expectations he set with her at the onset of a committed relationship.
*By OP's own words, his behavior is not in line with his words.
It is one thing to say, "I am not ready to talk about this right now" and quite another to be loving as though nothing is wrong and pull the rug out from under her the next day.
As for one poster's comment about BF on his way to work when she texted (if I recall that correctly), he could have simply ignored the text and gotten back to her at a better time. It is not indicated that is what happened. Instead, he reacts with his little announcement that he's not coming home that night and clearly his reaction was anything but what OP expected given his behavior the night before (oh and lest we should forget all the "I love yous".)
Now, some may find it appropriate morning after conduct from a man who is presented as insistent that there must be conflict resolution in a committed relationship. I personally don't. That is hardly being judgmental of any person, rather judging the stated behavior as it was presented to the thread.
I frankly see no useful purpose in dancing around the obvious. How anyone chooses to react and respond to my bluntness is not my ownership. Nor is anyone's excusitis for someone else's disrespectful (at a minimum) conduct my ownership.
Partners do not have to conform to what "we" want, anymore than "we" have to conform to what "they" want. But some people enjoy that kind of "drama" as well as the role of enabler. I personally don't.
The only person who truly knows the BF's intent is the BF. The only person who knows the OP's intent is the OP. Therefore, all that is left to offer an opinion on is the described behaviors and nothing more as anything else is mere speculation.
At the end of the day, OP either finds the BF's behavior acceptable or not.
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Posted: 7/12/2008 10:48:12 AM |
does not mean that when you feel vulnerable and backed into a corner and scared of being judged, abandoned or whatever...
Rune3, I understand and agree with your point, if the circumstances warranted it.
However, if we are to believe that the OP has given us full disclosure on the series of events:
Last night we had an upsetting disagreement, but when he came to bed, he wrapped his arms around me, and we both said "I love you." He was still in bed when I left this morning, and again we exchanged "I love you's."
On the way to work, I sent him a text telling him he means everything to me.
...then it's a little difficult (at least for me) to understand how the BF might have felt backed into a corner, judged, or potentially abandoned. What I'm seeing is that everything appeared to be settled, until he did a complete 180 for no apparent reason.
Now, if the OP has left out important details, say for instance that what she actually said to him was more along the lines of "You really act like an inconsiderate a-hole sometimes, and I hate how you behave like a child...BUT you mean everything to me", and if this is a common response from her after a disagreement, then perhaps the BF's actions/response would be justified. In that case, I, too, would most likely  | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 10:48:22 AM |
One things is clear though it is never the fault of one person and the dynamic needs to be looked at and not just the behaviour of one person.
Well said, I was taught to look at yourself first. Maybe what I did caused the problem. I would be selfish is blaming someone else or calling someone selfish. I am not trying to take sides only trying to show that being patient, wait until he has cooled down then they can work it out. Obviously he has some strong feelings, so a little quiet time isn't that bad. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 10:56:44 AM |
...then it's a little difficult (at least for me) to understand how the BF might have felt backed into a corner, judged, or potentially abandoned. What I'm seeing is that everything appeared to be settled, until he did a complete 180 for no apparent reason.
Sure he had a reason - he got what he wanted the night before, didn't he? Want to bet he'll make nice next time he wants something from OP?
Plus - it appears that OP texted him on her way to her work. So what possible motive would the BF have to do a 180? Maybe she disturbed his beauty sleep? Makes me wonder why he wasn't at work.  | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 11:00:18 AM | This is an interesting posting, because it is opening out to posters exposing and sharing their own conflict management styles, and what I find fascinating about forums is that they reveal allot about the posters often beyond the initial posters query.
Lets face it this is a catharsis and it maybe helps to identify the root causes in your own resolutions by reading other's anecdotes, and examples and at the same time reflecting on your own enema's.
The key aspects here were that the OP had as Rune put it unmet expectations. The OP's Love Interest exposed his 'immature/childish', (petulance, sulking, seething, etc) behaviour which whilst that term may not be helpful in the context of the OP's need to be in a mature relationship with an adult quickly dissolved the bubble, because now she has to compensate, compromise, understand, conciliate, sit back, reflect, be compassionate, be patient, whilst he takes his own stages of cooling down, forgiving, and thinking what he needs to do to save the situation, or let it foster and create deeper rifts of bitterness.
The difficulty is that lets face it 'love rules'. So once you love a person you may find you are stuck for a while or a lifetime with an incorrigible, cantankerous, hell-hound, but you will find your own way to navigate him/her... for the sake of peace, and during those moments that baskerville-beauty will be a purring pussycat at your feet.
Roll on peaceful tranquility when the warzone has been traversed! (and survived)...
When I have been with those types, having tried the 'parent-child', theories and 'tactics', at peace-making, sometimes it is a case of rolling my eyes until the storm passes... If you know the person is going to sulk, it is best to ensure you have a hobby to divert your attention on rather than fuel the fire... or have to tiptoe on eggs. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 11:10:53 AM |
Sure he had a reason - he got what he wanted the night before, didn't he? Want to bet he'll make nice next time he wants something from OP?
Ah-haaa, interesting. OR...maybe there WAS no "make-up" sex, just the cuddling and verbal "reinforcements". Hmmm, maybe THAT'S his method of "conflict resolution" and consequently why he was in such a snit the following day. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 11:14:59 AM |
OR...maybe there WAS no "make-up" sex,
I was non-specific about what the BF got or wanted the night before...
Another perspective about BF's "conflict resolution" methods is to simply avoid conflict by sweeping it under the "rug" of denial too. All manner of possible theories there. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 11:19:13 AM | | when people get moody like that I ignore them till they decide to change their attitude. I wouldn't got dumping them over the stupidest thing like that but if it happens to many times where it keeps pissing me off then yeah move on. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 11:32:33 AM | Sounds you got invovled with a "talker" -- he said what he thought sounded good but didn't mean it.
They will maintain the façade that attracted you to them as long as possible in order to reel you in. If you’re lucky, they truly are all that they claim to be, but we all know there will be plenty who are not. The worst scenario is when, as in the case of your BF, they end up being the extreme opposite of who they said they were.
Exactly.
My "ex" -- if you could call how short it lasted a relationship did the exact same thing.
We had these profoundly enlightening talks about spiritual growth. He spoke about our differences and said that he was so excited about meeting me; the few times we had 'disagreements' he praised our ability to talk it through.
He told me the best way to deal with problems he felt was to lay it all on the line and put it on the table. Write him a letter, talk to him, he wanted that -- welcomed it.
Boy, oh, boy, Why did I listen to him -- LOL!!!!!
At the first hint of me doing exactly what he asked he told me:
He didn't want to discuss ANYTHING!
He didn't feel like talking about his problems -- he only wanted to talk about my problems.
He was super-sensitive to any hint of displeasure or criticism and actually saw that when there was none.
He constantly claimed I was irritating him and said he really liked to be alone and needed a lot of "me" time
the exact opposite of everything he said.
You asked: How do I deal with this. My decision was, I don't!
He misrepresented himself and wasn't at all what he set out to be. I know what I want in a man and he wasn't it. Why struggle with him and that -- I kicked him to the curb and moved on.
Now for those who might like to know how I played a part in this. Well, I of course had met "talkers" before in my life.
My parents are expert talkers. Don't confuse me with the facts is their motto and they love to put on a facade that doesn't match with their behavior.
Still attracting people like that and trying to get them to understand and listen to me is a dance I've been engaging in for a long time.
At least this time, once I found the steps familiar, I cut it off. Before I'd dance round and round for a long time!!!! | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 11:48:15 AM | Ameera... fantastic mind beautiful person that you are...
I rest my case, I call it the 'dance' too how funny I nearly wrote that myself.
I do believe in being forgiving and turning the other cheek, waiting trying to fathom the depths of murky gloom, doom and general disagreeableness... but most of the time, anyone who cannot get past sulking, pouting, sneaking around with a thunder cloud over their head whilst disguising all this as some kind of beautiful introspection needs to left alone... unless you are temperamentally so well suited that it fits your own little pirouette...
I have to add that had the OP's partner been consistent he would not have engaged in the 'I love you', dialogue and then changed his mind the next day to fire off a sarcastic salvo of malcontent to hurt the OP because he was still fuming...
One has to also think about the mental dialogue that is being played out in the mind of someone who is brooding darkly... How pleasant that must be to have on loudspeaker... NOT! | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 11:55:48 AM |
I do believe in being forgiving and turning the other cheek, waiting trying to fathom the depths of murky gloom, doom and general disagreeableness... but most of the time, anyone who cannot get past sulking, pouting, sneaking around with a thunder cloud over their head whilst disguising all this as some kind of beautiful introspection needs to left alone... unless you are temperamentally so well suited that it fits your own little pirouette...
Beautifully written!!! It's like a dance of death.
One has to also think about the mental dialogue that is being played out in the mind of someone who is brooding darkly
When I was finally able to get my ex to talk about one such episode he let it be known how he had been taking offense at every little thing that I had done that day. Even my asking him to move the car was taken as a personal slight -- me trying to "mommy" him. Of course he said nothing, and then projected it all onto me. I didn't hear from him for the next week and I had asked if anything was wrong. "Oh, no" he said, being the kind, easy-going person he claimed to be --he simply said he had been "busy".
When I expressed that I didn't think he was being honest.
He got mad! Well, he already had been mad all along!!!! He was just unwilling to acknowledge it to himself and to me, or even talk about it. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 6:09:30 PM | Wow...what a pain in the ass, lol...
Maybe "remind" him about what he himself insisted - to resolve things, as two adults in a relationship should, instead of stewing and avoiding the issue?
From what you have explained, I almost get the feeling he was insisting that to himself - more then to you, as far as conflict resolution goes (in the beginning) - perhaps it's a struggle he hoped he could change in himself, by saying as such~
But perhaps thats reading into something simply not there heh. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 6:27:12 PM | | He is the kind of guy who will hold a grudge. This is his problem, but it affects you. He probably can forgive, but not forget. Some people are just this way. He needs some space. He may not be good in a relationship where you spend a lot of time together. It is better you have your own hobbies and clubs and friends, in order to escape his occasional wrath. | |
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Posted: 7/12/2008 6:51:19 PM | It is selfish and controlling.
He won't change. It is not conflict resolution as much as a personality issue. | |
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