| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 10:30:29 AM | | Most of of religious people would say that sex with anyone other than your wife is a bad idea. So I'm going to have to say negative with this one. | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 11:44:33 AM | I feel FWB is high risk for women. It's risky for both but more so for women in my opinion. It requires that emotions/love and sex are separated and managed in a way that is difficult/incongruent for most women. What I'm about to say relates to my general observations, so please don't get offended if you feel I am over generalizing. I recognize there are individual differences that make us all unique. (we're all unique ...he he...what an oxymoron)
I honestly think guys have a much easier time separating sex from feelings of love and intimacy. Just think of the way most men relate to each other when they are in a friendship. Crying on each other's shoulder and clinging to each other in times of emotional crisis (which can be VERY bonding) is not the norm. When men do show their softer side and express their emotions quite often they get sh it for it...from friends, family, partners and society generally. From my observation men tend to refrain from emotionally exposing themselves in their relationships with other men...and that does transfer over quite often to their relationships with women.
Now consider how women, in a general sense ,relate to each other when they are friends. Typically we bare our souls to each other. We cry, hug, laugh together, share pains, sorrows, aspirations in a way I rarely see any men do. We are not discouraged to do this. I'm not saying that women can not set boundaries...what I am saying is that our acceptable boundaries generally are different and those boundaries and our style of relating gets transfered over into our other relationships.
The reason I point all this out is 1) guys have had more practice and have been encouraged to keep their feelings in check even in relationships that are more intimate. 2) "Friend" has a different feel and meaning for men and women. A friend is a very emotionally connected relationship for most women. It's not normal for us to NOT pour some portion of our heart and soul into that kind of relationship and THAT is where the FWB thing frequently starts to fall apart.
Having sex with your friend is just a whole lot of emotional azzwhuppins waiting to happen for a woman. It's not just women though. Men can slip too. If you are having sex with someone on a regular it must be rockin sex otherwise why bother. Sex is emotional and psychological. Quite frankly, hot sex can mess with your head and be almost like a drug. That kind of sex over time can really change how you see the other person and your connection to them...especially if you are doing it in whole or in part to cut through feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem or in times of crisis.
Also consider how your ego can get caught up in this. A lot of times we like to think our sh*t is magical. If you've been having sex with someone over an extended period of time it can start to mess with your ego and sense of self even if you really in your heart don't want a relationship with this person. "Why aren't they ga-ga for me. They love the tail...why don't they love the rest equally?" Also there are some people who agree to a FWB situation because consciously or unconsciously they are hoping that the other person will fall for them eventually no matter how clear the other person has been that it's just not going to happen..
And hey! When you are seeking someone who is going to be your long term partner aren't they suppose to be your friend as well as your lover? What really is the distinction between a friend you are just boffing and a "real" partner? I question whether you are really friends. At best you're really just using each other and what woman likes being used for sex. Personally it would make me feel like some one's masturbatory cum rag...not their friend. Hey but to each their own. We all have our own perspective on this.
I do think you both have to be super clear about potential, boundaries etc and be really mindful about what you are doing and feeling if you are going to pull the FWB off. Even then it can still go pearshaped. Love is not logical. I wonder sometimes why it isn't in the DSM IV. | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 11:47:31 AM | | Been there, done that, no longer something I wish to engage in. | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 1:20:30 PM | | I had a fantastic FWB a few years back. It worked out beautifully for both of us, and I was actually kind of sorry to have to end it when I did. Our 'relationship' started and ended as a FWB though. If one of my regular friends asked me to become a FWB, I'd be more than a little ticked. My friends are my friends for a reason, and there's a line there that shouldn't be crossed.. If your female friends were interested in such a relationship, they'd let you know... | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 1:51:13 PM | I've had FB where it developed into FWB, only to be screwed up by the other party being dishonest. I think that risk is true for ANY relationship whether casual or serious.
Now I am doing the opposite (trying to anyway) in becoming friends first or being more comfortable with the person. Hard line to draw I suppose.
I say OP look at your friends and know that perhaps by asking the question you lose the friendship entirely. Are you willing to risk that for sex? What you do then depends completely on the answer you give.
Good luck. | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 1:56:22 PM | | Its been almost 6 years for me - but when I was in the position, it wasent the best outcome...in some was its fine - you two can chill etc, and other times get wild. Problem is...it's only a matter of time before someone starts to have feelings. And unless it's mutual, it can only lead to hurt and disapointment. | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:06:40 PM | Since I have been on my own (about 2.5 years) I have not been ready for a committed relationship, the thought of one scared me more then I wanted to admit. FWB gave me all I wanted at the time. Now I find I want more and will not settle for FWB.
So, IMO, FWB works but both people have to be in the same frame of mind. Right now if a male friend asked/commented about FWB, I would not be insulted(not in my nature to be easily offended) but I would not hesitate to say that it isn't what I want.
If you are close to your female friends, talk about anything, flirt and talk raunchy  then you really should know if they might be open to it. | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:10:27 PM | It's not wrong if you both can handle this, and are consenting/single adults. However, there are very few people that can be physical and not allow their emotions to come into play.
I would refrain from asking a close friend, unless she has made some innuendo that she would consider this with you.
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:29:36 PM | | Nothing wrong with it as long as its clear from the start what you want and dont.And you are both happy in doing so, your adults I dont see why not. | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:32:43 PM | I have one of those friends. We are both single and both looking. Once either one of us finds someone we will continue being just friends without the bonuses!
You are an optimist. What are you going to do if the person you find is not ok with you continuing a friendship with a guy you've slept with? Are you going to lie and say you haven't because ``what he doesn't know won't hurt him?'' Good luck.
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:38:30 PM | Why not the FWB from another perspective ?
I don't want sex before marriage........but still affectionate touch is very important to me.
I don't want/need to have an emotional breakdown just to get a hug or an embrace from a woman. And if I needed it....it sure wouldn't be from a guy.
Having said that........it seems most (95% ) of people on here are dating with the expectation of sex if there are more than 5 dates...(if they are interested).
What about people that want a close loving relationship that may just be friends but also can have allot of affection as well. ( snuggling, kissing, massage, holding hands, hugs etc )
Is giving affection in a relationship without any desire for sex just not something women are interested. And before you say it........my equipment works and isn't dead....just not interested in having sex till I'm married.
But FWB.........(bosom buddies) is something I'd like...... | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 2:50:12 PM | Nothing wrong with it as long as emotions don't get involved and you both uinderstand and agree to the nature of the relationship....it's really you're my "in the meantime" until I find what I "want" or your cool to hang out with and meet sexual needs but you're not what I seek in a long term partner.....with hopefully no hurt feelings...
Of course the sex should be super hot and mutually satisfying otherwise why bother! | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 3:57:59 PM | Women.. we have a hormone that is released into our brains when we orgasm..
Its called Oxytocin.. it mimics the feelings of LOVE..
its gods joke on us.. we have REALLY GREAT sex.. then the man sees the "love lorn" look in our eyes.. and they are OUTTA there.
So..i refuse to have sex with someone who i dont intend to "lure into my trap".. 
i want monogamous condom free sex.. whats wrong with that?.. and if i cry after a really good session.. we know. ... that i have alot of oxytocin pulsing thru me. | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 4:23:02 PM | I see no issue with being sexually involved with any consenting adult. The problems only occur when two people are getting together for different reasons. Being honest about your intentions from the start is the best route to take, but again, some folks think being friends and then lovers is easier, because you know the person. While that is often true, however when romantic emotions slip in on either person's part that can sometimes end the sex and the friendship. I've had a few FB's and one long standing FWB-but I had a clear understanding from the beginning that it was sex only when either of us were in the mood.
I have a busy life and have no desire for a LTR -but I certainly do like physical intimacy-and having someone who I'm close too and knows my body makes it worthwhile. I wouldn't necessarily go up to a friend and say 'Hey, wanna bump uglies cuz I really need a FWB.' because I'm guessing the woman might be slightly offended. My long term FWB is a man I use to date-we split-but wound up back together. While, as a couple we had some issues- sex was never one of them. He's been acting a lil daft lately in all areas of our FWB-so I sent him on a vacation-but I know as soon as his desire to bump uglies again strikes he'll be knocking on my door..lol.
And in terms of securing a FWB relationship-I'd casually bring up the fact you are physically attracted to your friend and see what she says. If she is interested she'll let you know. There is no guarantees in anything, but you need to, at the very least, put your best foot forward, but be honest. Nothing is worse than saying 'I want to date you' when what you are really trying to convey is that you want to bang her like a screen door in a hurricane.
Good luck ~ | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 4:35:13 PM |
Sex should be sleazy, reprehensible, punch-drunk, and should be followed with a twenty minute anxiety attack the next morning from debating how to sneak out without waking up the proverbial "wife for the night".
You really need to stop bringing our sex life up in public.
Anyway...nothing at all wrong with FWB as long as both people are clear on the expectations and don't get more emotionallt involved. There have been some men I can do it with, other's I could not because of the emotional risk even when I knew LTR with them could never work. If either one has the slightest thoughts of more then FWB, bad idea.
But sexually speaking if you can find the right person, I think it's great if it's monogamous and neither party want a relationship at the time. Lowers the risk of compromising your health and keeps you sexually satisfied. | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 6:21:54 PM | I had never considered or heard of friends with benefits was until I joined POF.
I was involved in a long term relationship that when I finally ended it took years for me to emotionally pick myself up.
I enjoy my life and love my independence and freedom. I am content and happy but sometimes miss sex and physical closeness of a male.
I have recently had the opportunity to consider a fwb relationship. I love the idea and look forward to it and have discussed basic ground rules. I know that I would be unable to maintain a long term fwb arrangement because I will probably want more commitement long term. | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 6:34:47 PM |
You really need to stop bringing our sex life up in public.
Maybe I should. Wait.. what's your name again? | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 7:25:29 PM | LOL let me clear it up for you a little FWB means to a woman that your
1) too ugly to go out with but I sure need some and wouldn't mind being in your house without no one knowing .
2) that you think they are hard up and can't get a man
3) don't want a real relationship but would rather have a few nights awk where you don't have to take them to dinner or out in public but you'd still like to bang the gong with them
4) mostly a huge turn off for women | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 8:00:24 PM | | LOL Collector.. what about the women that wish a FWB with a guy? Same rules apply? | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 8:21:11 PM | | In my experience at least, FWB type relationships are only a short term thing, because inevitably one person or the other starts to develop stronger feelings. I've been on both sides of that equation, and find its much easier to be in a relationship if I want a woman in my life. | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 8:50:30 PM | Well...to me a real Friend with Benefits is ...well.....a husband  | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/13/2008 9:09:03 PM | | Like many of the replies here, casual sex led me to the FB, FWB arena and for a time I enjoyed it. I did find that soon it all became FB and being the male slut that I can be I was fine with that. Maybe we men are really PIGS as I could go there again if the situation presented itself. | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/14/2008 1:08:14 AM | The difficulty of this, for women, is that the sexual act secretes "coupling" hormones in us where we'd find ourselves wanting to be with someone that we might not find is compatible in a relationship minus the sex. For men, sex is just that - an in-the-moment exercise.
If you're really looking for a FWB, I'd suggest an ex-girlfriend where that activity was a healthy part of the relationship, but for various other personality/needs/future issues the relationship didn't work. For many women, we put men in categories and if you're in the "just friends" category, it's tough to move you to an intimate one. But if you're a been-there/done-that guy for us, it's easier to keep our head in the correct place.
If you offer this type of relationship to a woman you're just friends with, you'd better be sure that she also has you in the "just friends" category before suggesting this, or you could lose a friend. | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/14/2008 1:33:26 AM | | To me, if I like a girl and I like sleeping with her, then why wouldn't I want her to be my girlfriend? | |
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| friends with benefits
Posted: 7/16/2008 11:27:00 AM | They are great, if they are casual friends, not close friends, no real strong feelings that you could have some sort of future with them. You like them sexually, and their personality, etc, but you know that deep down you could probably do better or just know on some fundamental level it could not work. That is a safe situation to be in in my experience because then you might be attatched but the logical part of your brain knows better.
The feelings are there in my case otherwise I would not have sex, I couldnt have some sex with someone I did not emotionally feel something for, so it just happens I have sex with someone I do feel that way for but cannot see myself married too, so I suppose that is the secret to not ruining the relationship.
Ive been in one for a year, and well now that I am starting to want to see this person more and more, and they have no such feelings besides friendship for me what so ever, in the end it leaves a sour taste in the mouth, not enough to not still be a friend, but the phenomenal sex will probably just dissapate....:( but hey theres always someone better out there in that department. | |
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