| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/14/2008 9:50:52 AM | You wait as long as she needs....you work building a foundation of companionship. Sex will follow when she feels comfortable about who you are and your character.
I'm on the fence about your character at this moment. Why any guy has to ask how long to wait if you are infact enjoying this woman on every other level is beyond me, it shows selfishness and impatience. Sex is very important in any relationship but for heavens sake you have had 3 dates it hardly what I would call a relationship.
shakes head | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/14/2008 10:04:54 AM |
Sorry, but personally, I think what the women are saying is sexist. If a MAN were telling HER when they were going to have sex, he would be called a control freak, he would be accused of manipulating her through sex, and all the women would be screaming "red flag, red flag, run!".
If I read the initial post correctly, she was not telling him exactly when, she was saying she'd like to take things slow..ITS 3 DATES! Now if the woman shows no affection whatsoever and takes months and months to even get close to the man, then I'd say there's a problem...
As far as thinking a man was a control freak because he wanted to wait a bit longer then a 3rd date? I would respect him immensely for that, especially since its so rare that a man even wants to get to know you before hitting the sack.
The most meaningful relationships I've had were with men that didn't rush things. Its the most amazing feeling when you can build up some anticipation with a person you're starting to care for, before deciding to finally take it to the next level.
Another thing I've actually thought about....Have you asked her what she feels about the fact that you're still separated and not divorced? Some people may have an issue with that, and it could also be a reason why she wants to wait and find out maybe what your situation is...You can't fault her for wanting to know you a bit better before she decides on being intimate......Just a thought. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/14/2008 10:14:13 AM |
i think a LOT of people are getting his post twisted....i read nothing that indicated he was "all about sex", or even about sex. he simply asked if she wanted a massage, which is something she indicated she liked prior.
Sorry, but I dcn't feel that he's asking "How long should I wait to ask her for a massage?" again!
The "How long should I wait?" question is usually about waiting for sex or when to propose to her or when we should further our relationship.
It would be my first to hear how long I should wait for a massage question! | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/14/2008 10:19:12 AM | 3rd date? Doesn't she know that she has to put out on the 3rd date?
Seriously, it's only been 3 dates , and after 3 years that's pretty soon. You sound like a high school kid trying to get his girlfriend to put out. If you were really that into her you wouldn't need to ask this question, so it's time to examine what you want out of the relationship and if she matches that. It doesn't matter if it's just an innocent massage (no such thing in my experience, watch the scene in Pulp Fiction when Jules and Vincent are talking about footrubs, that sums it up pretty well right there) if she doesn't feel comfortable, you need to wait or move on. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/14/2008 10:31:42 AM |
Sorry, but I dcn't feel that he's asking "How long should I wait to ask her for a massage?" again!
The "How long should I wait?" question is usually about waiting for sex or when to propose to her or when we should further our relationship.
It would be my first to hear how long I should wait for a massage question!
ahhh...i stand corrected..... | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/14/2008 6:42:09 PM |
I ve been seperated from my wife two years, and I had a couple of relationships since then...
OP...I'm gonna be the bad guy and ask...why aren't you divorced yet? Do you know why I'm asking that...
.................
think a minute.....
think...............
BING...
she said she has not been intimate with anyone since she split from her husband three years ago (he betrayed her).
Helloooooooooo? Perhaps, Paul1966, she is wondering if you betrayed YOUR wife?!! I wont' presume to know your circumstances for still being married but to that lady, you are a big a** red flag. You're separated and all over her like a wet blanket after the 3rd date. She has a right to go slow...really. She does.
Sure, it's EASY to get all hot and bothered when one's making out but that doesn't mean you all HAVE to have sex does it? She's not scared out of her comfort zone...she doesn't wanna just jump in the sack with just anyone. Unfortunately right now it's you.
Step back, put away your pe**er and use the head on your shoulders. 3 dates does not mean you have to have sex. Although another poster did mention something about your specific views...and I think the term was "fcking like bunnies" or the like (which made me snort btw)...slow your roll.
If you truly believe that you don't want to wait, by all means, do the lady a favor and take hike. If you really like her beyond getting into her panties...then slow down, stay awhile and let her learn to trust you.
Oh yeah...and get a divorce while you're at it...she'll trust you a lot more then!!! | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/14/2008 8:19:27 PM | Um, are you still married and does she know this? 'Seperated for two years'...that's kind of vague. Are you divorced yet or not?
If you're not, she's a smart woman to move slowly with you. And she's smart not to let her sex drive do her thinking for her. She's being cautious and that should tell you that she feels she has a good reason to be on guard. You should just ask HER about it, instead of us. If you can't communicate with her and draw her out, you can't address her concerns.
Good luck and btw, if you're not divorced get it done already!  | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/14/2008 8:25:50 PM | | I know how she feels. I have not been in an intimate relationship in a while. Believe me, I've had the opportunity but everytime it happens, I run screaming into the night, lol, no, but seriously. Sometimes you just have to wait until us women have the "lightbulb moment" that it's okay to get involved in something like that again. Respect her wishes and it will be worth it in the end. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/14/2008 8:31:58 PM | the way I see it,means keep seeing her and doing what you're doing. Take your time with and appreciate her. She'll love you for it.  | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/14/2008 8:33:17 PM | Honestly OP if she hasn't had sex with anyone in 3 years, I would think you would have a very long wait for her to have sex with you. I also feel that if she can go that long without having sex, she must not like sex very much. In 3 years she didn't meet one person she wanted to have sex? She didn't just get out of prison did she(kidding sort of)?
I agree with one poster, if a male had said "I want to call the shots" he would be called a control freak. If a man made such an announcement on our third date, there wouldn't be a fourth date.
A female poster seems to think that a woman has no self respect if she has sex with a man she doesn't love or that she is desperate for a relationship. To this I say nonsense. What it really means is she is in the mood for sex and likes the way the guy looks. I really think most women get too emotional about sex. Sex can be emotional but it can also just be sex. I am not suggesting that anyone should jump in bed with everyone they meet but love and sex do not always go hand and hand. You don't have to love someone to have good sex with them, and it doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a healthy normal person.
Why do women put the sex and love together so much? I have never understood this. Probably never will. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/14/2008 9:24:44 PM |
Why do women put the sex and love together so much? I have never understood this. Probably never will
Personally, it's just how I feel..has nothing to do with logical thought processes..if it did, I would feel as you, and some other women do. It is not something I can think myself into doing? I will never understand women who feel the opposite...I believe it is just the way people are..some see it one way, some another.
BTW...deliberately choosing not to have sex doesn't mean one doesn't want to...just makes the decision not to, for many reasons, depending on person and circumstances. For someone such as myself, and obviously the OP's friend..it isn't a matter of whether it is good sex with or without love..it is a matter of one prefers feelings with it. Or, one just is more comfortable and gets into more when feelings are there.
I don't see saying you aren't ready is a control issue at all. The Op has the choice to not want to wait and move on. The woman has the choice to say she isn't ready yet. In my mind, and life, control has nothing to do with it. Personal comfort does. On the other hand, since men and women are basically different for the most part, I don't know that a man would be accused of controlling if he said he wanted to wait..most women I know would call that ...really cool?..lol..
And if a man likes me (as a person) enough...and knows me at all..he would not mind waiting a bit, nor would he think it had anything to do with controlling. Since I don't place a "value" on my sexuality, there is nothing to control. I do place a value on my feelings, and sense of "rightness". And that is just the way I operate. Tried it the more "modern" way when I was young. Just doesn't work for me.
Op: as others have said..if you like her you wait..if you are more interested in sex only, then you don't. Either way, be honest with her. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 6:08:59 AM | (quote This statement was totally out of line!..O.P.'s post seems 100% sincere and who the hell are you to try to belittle him? /quote)
Who the hell am I? Isn't that obvious? Since you asked, I am a POF member with forum entitlements just like you and I offered my opinion.
To be honest I thought it a Troll post. A man of his age, married, not divorced, had a couple of relationships already and then needs to ask after 3 dates how long should he wait.
Your opinion Miss Rain is he is sincere, mine is that he is not.
Notice after 2 pages we haven't heard back from him. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 7:53:07 AM | oh I see..so since you are a "POF member with forum entitlements" that gives you right to belittle someone for asking advice?
Great attitude!!...*please note the sarcasm in my text* | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 8:12:05 AM |
My question is how long should I wait, we clearly have the hots for each other, but she says she wants to call the shots, and gets scared when she goes out of her comfort zone? If she is looking for something longlasting,fulfilling, substantial and very meaningful..she should NOT wait! She should DUMP you right NOW She should realize that your "massage" was meant to sedduce her regardless of what and where she was in regard to being prepared for the "relationship" to take that next step to another level. You are married, and been in at least 2 other relationships since you separated. Either you have not had very good luck in choosing partners or you arent looking for something more substantial. Your tired massage move, rather more telling your frustration after it didnt work shows more of the latter. Perhaps she realizes those things and is not comfortable because of them. Your game is weak and she is not willing to play YET anyway.
How long should people in general wait before becoming intimate.......as long as it takes for BOTH to become perfectly comfortable with it and want it with and from each other. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 8:22:46 AM | Maybe ask yourself this question: If you are "waiting," are you waiting for quick sex or a long-term commitment? I believe she is waiting for the latter. Possibly you need to re-evaluate your intentions; hers are quite obvious.
Good Luck! | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 8:24:52 AM | Maybe ask yourself this question: If you are "waiting," are you waiting for quick sex or a long-term commitment? I believe she is waiting for the latter. Possibly you need to re-evaluate your intentions; hers are quite obvious.
Good Luck! | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 8:28:18 AM | Gee, you're getting 'an earful' on this one:)
When you say you're "waiting," are you waiting for quick sex or a long-term commitment with this woman? I think her intentions are obvious and expect you know what they are. However, you may need to re-evaluate your intentions. No one needs to get hurt here, especially if it's not mutual:) | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 8:31:25 AM | | Her hesitancy might be because you are still married, separated for two years, especially if she is looking for commitment. Falling in love with a married man is never a good choice to make. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 8:40:59 AM | geez...wild answers on here...
I dunno, I've never spent serious time on a gal that I couldn't fully light up on the first kiss...because if there wasn't firey passion from that point, no sense in continuing. After the first kiss, if there is sufficient passion, the sex is a foregone conclusion...and that I can be patient for. It might even be a couple of months, but when you BOTH have the bloodfire running through your veins, it's going to knock your socks off! It's WORTH a little wait. Besides, if she responds with FIRE to your kisses, it ain't gonna take long unless there are religious connotattions or Children's Feelings involved.
Ladies, we do appreciate y'all not being TOO easy, giving it up on the first or second date is BAD if you are looking for a relationship..if you give it up on the first two dates we figure you're just in need of a good bang/casual-occasional/fwb type stuff.
There is NOTHING I ike better than a good passionate kiss at the end of a date and the woman saying "Oh DAMN, that wasn't FAIR! I've got to GO! I don't wanna go, but I've GOT to!" That tells me that she cares, she wants me, and she wants my respect. After that it's just a matter of teasing the living hell out of her! When you find good chemistry...drive her absolutely insane, then step back before actual sex and say "Oh...I want to, but I also want you to not think that I'm easy."
Think like...Casanova. You want to be so full of passion and desire that it inflames her every thought and deed. You want to kiss her so well that she becomes moist at the very thought of you. And...you should gently massage the small of her back while you kiss her...gently work your magic there, and she will appreciate it. Learn from Shakespeare (Taming of the Shrew) and the missives on Casanova & Lothario. Most women aren't used to having their minds made love to, and with that in mind you will eventually find the bride you desire. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 8:44:37 AM | Damn, you all are so judgemental. From grabbing onto the man is separated, to only seeking sex. You all would really have been better off living in Salem in the 1600's, you even could have lit the matches at the stake burnings.
Look pal, there are a couple of things here. First are you sure (going thru divorce) your separation is permanent? Next while it would seem she might have dated others your the first to get close to her. 3 dates is not enough, I don't know how many emails, chats whatever but 3 won't do for many women.
I don't know how you feel about her, your goals, long term plans. If your "feelin it", take your time, 5 - 10 dates which should take 2 months. THEN discuss expectations, if it hasn't happened naturally. Intamacy is a case by case basis, up to the individual and what they need to connect. I agree with some though, if there is no flame and intensity by that time, likely not going to be your cup of tea. It shouldn't be HER comfort zone or YOUR comfort zone, it should after 10 dates be OUR comfort zone. Where both parties have input, not to the exclusion of either person.
As for the screaming sex freaks both male and female on here, screw em, you two figure it out for you both, none of these people are in it. Bob | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 8:46:34 AM | Slow down pal. If I had not had a serious relationship with anyone in three years since my divorce, I sure as hell wouldn't want to jump in the sack with a man that was only seperated.
You might have better luck sweet talking the ladies once you are divorced. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 9:22:50 AM | How long...
If your serious about a LTR, and you feel shes the one. Then the answer is as long as it takes. Do the foundation work while you wait. End that seperation with a divorce, and show her the way you feel by clearing the road blocks to a healthy relationsip.
To those here that think that a man only gives a massage to get in a womans pants, your wrong. I waited a year and ten months before I had sex with the last woman I was interested in. I used to give her clothed massages as a means to satisfy my needs for physical intamacy. Giving foot massages to each other while having long in depth conversations were eye opening to things that happened in her life that made her fear intimacy at any level.
Trust me on this waiting may be a trial, (jack-off or take lots of cold showers) but when show her that you understand her eventualy that emotional wall comes down and she submits to your advances as a partner thats willing and not feeling forced. You will be in heaven and in a position to show her heaven as well.
Be patient with her and your rewards will be great.
Remember that cold water helps reduce sweeling and stiffness. LOL
Good luck | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 9:30:05 AM | Did you have 3 dates 3 days in a row, or did you have 3 dates over the course of a month? Do you spend plenty of time doing things other than cuddling on the couch and making out? Do you communicate outside of your dates?
Perhaps she doesn't know you well enough to become intimate -- remember, she's practically a virgin again. She needs to learn to trust again; she needs to know that she's secure with you. She needs to know there's more to your relationship than sex. Have you told her you want to be exclusive with her? Hardly, after only 3 dates......
Be patient -- good things come to those who wait.
I think you should be glad that she hasn't been with multiple men since the end of her marriage. That she has taken time to heal and move forward slowly. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 9:47:43 AM | Quick answers here.
A) Finish up your divorce. She's been betrayed by her X, and there's no way she's hopping into bed with a married man. Don't try any excuses on her as to why you're not divorced yet. Yes, we know your situation is unique. There are issues. Tough. Finish up your divorce, THEN she'll get into bed with you.
B) No massage? What? You pay somebody at the mall $30 to massage your back for 15 minutes in one of those weird chairs. That is, unless it's one of those massages that you don't tell your friends that you got. If that's what you meant - shame on you!
C) Make up your mind - do you want a sex partner or a LTR? If you're looking for a sex partner, it seems you may be barking up the wrong tree. If you're looking for a LTR, sorry, but you haven't done the legwork yet that she needs in order to get that close with you. Work harder. Put more value in her, and stop wasting all of your energy trying to get her into the sack. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/15/2008 4:45:41 PM | (Msg 7) Assuming she is...what dave said (sorry dave) is a crock of shit. (Dave)]It's been three years since she has been intimate. That gives us a good idea of the importance/desire she places on sex He's absolutely right when he says this...its VERY important to her...which is why she wont just fcuk every guy that comes along.
EVERY GUY? We're not talking three weeks or three months. It's been three years!
Umm..."play" is mostly a term used by people who "play" themselves.
Play as in "looking for something better, not really into you, you're a great way to pass a Saturday evening but...."
She's TOLD you already what the "delay" is...If you choose not to listen and wanna read more into it...
She said, "no its to soon". So, what does that mean? What has to happen/transpire?
there is NO guarantee it will ever happen.
But...let nature take its course and it may very well happen, infact its guaranteed it will when you let it happen of its own accord...
I mostly agree with that. If a man and a woman spend enough time together then, yes, they may very well end up having sex. The problem is the sex isn't happening from passion. Their being together results in a friendship forming and sex "just happens" which is really what FWB is all about.
The sex is not a result of "I want you!" passion but "Yea, sure. Why not?" buddy approach. They know each other. They get along well. They hang out all the time.
There is difference when sex happens under those circumstances. That's why we hear of couples breaking up and remaining friends. That's all they were, friends. They were never passionate about each other.
(Msg 9) Well Dave, I've seen enough of your posts to know what you think about sex, and basically, if everyone had the same views you have, there would never be any "getting to know you" period in any relationship.
Heck, as far as you're concerned, we should all be f*cking everyone like bunnies and to hell with actually knowing a person before you decide to enter into something that I feel is actually special.
Now, Tee, you know that's not true.  It's the going slow "getting to know" the person that I had a problem with.
A romantic relationship is based on passion. Sure, we all want someone who thinks like us and enjoys the same activities but those things do not replace passion or chemistry. We don't get butterflies in our tummy thinking about the next intellectual conversation we're going to have with our new partner. We don't dress and excitedly prepare to meet our partner for dinner because we're all excited about the lobster's tail. 
I understand a lady being hesitant. Assuming I was the OP I'd come out and ask directly WHY the hesitancy. "Is there something you want to know? Is there something you've seen or heard that causes you to be uncertain? Do you have the same feelings for me as I do for you? If you're shy do you want to spend the night and we won't have sex but we'll be together? Would that help you feel more relaxed?"
If the feelings and passion are there then there has to be a reason she is hesitating. | |
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