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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/22/2008 10:33:04 AM | That's kind of the point here. If sex becomes an "issue", then the other is not a match.
Good answer.
I would suggest waiting for a bit. Then if you feel it's becoming an issue for you, you need to discuss it with her and make a choice. I don't feel it's completely right that she call all the shots - after all, there are two of you no? I don't believe that she should be forced or cajoled into doing something she doesn't want to and her fears should be respected and addressed, but if you feel you need this to move the relationship forward, then you need to express that to her. I don't think that it's wrong for a man to feel this way nor are her reasons wrong for wanting to wait.
It's wrong not to discuss it with each other. Get off of POF and go discuss it with her!!! Sheesh. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/22/2008 3:00:46 PM | So, by "taking it slow", at best the OP may end up with a partner who is indifferent to sex, and will use it to control him. At worst, he's stuck with a prude who "just isn't that into him"
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Thats great advice if you are dating a man. If a guy tells you "lets take it slow" he's either gay or lieing (you can tell if he's lieing cause his lips are moving). most guys like me are horndogs and are usually eager to jump in bed whenever and where ever we can. So, true, guys don't like to take it slow, most women do, as can be seen in these forums and profiles.
However, I don't know how many sex loving women will it take to come on these forums and say " I WANT TO TAKE IT SLOW" for men to "get it", thats a females hardwired nature. Go read some profiles, read these posts. Women love sex, My GF's always did, and sometimes they wanted to take it slow. It was no problem. FYI, its not a problem for normal men either, not even a problem for most horndog men, based on the billions of relationships in the history of HUMANITY.
So to the OP, you go as fast as you want guy. If you have a better way, or want things faster, then be a man and do it your way. but if you really think you can survive without sex for a couple more weeks or months to keep a good woman, I'd say wait.
"You are in Group A which wants sex right away..she is in Group B..which prefers to wait for any number of reasons...you have two choices....find someone in GroupA" or wait.
"Maybe she prefers to "make love" rather than simply having sex!"
"I find it refreshing to see a post about a person who wants to wait until she knows if she is in love with you, and vice versa."
"Why hurry??.... give her as much time as you feel comfortable giving her."
" I assure you, that regardless of how much time I choose to wait, there is nothing wrong with my sex drive."
"Hell if you enjoy being with her, I'd wait as long as it takes - what are you losing"
I'm getting sore fingers copy and pasting nearly every single person in a row who said nothing wrong with waiting if you two like each other....There you go op! | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/22/2008 3:22:49 PM |
Are you kidding me!!!! Who do you think you are???? You aren't divorced, how can you ask this woman for anything other than friendship? And for that matter, don't you think ending one relationship before jumping into bed with someone else would be the smart thing to do? Talk about having no respect for your wife. I realize that there are two sides to every story, but come on Dave, think about it, what are you doing?
He hasn't lived with his wife in years. It is a marriage in name only. I doubt his wife cares who he is going to bed with. They just aren't a good match and both need to look for someone else. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:48:48 PM | Tee writes,
(Msg 93) What I disagree with is the fact that if a woman actually wants to make sure she likes the guy before taking the next step, she gets labelled a cold fish......... Why would I start to be intimate with a man when I don't know him well enough to know if he'll stick around?
(Msg 99) To me, having sex with somebody I don't care for, or trust, is "empty".
And that's why I have always said that if sex is not forthcoming there is a problem.
You don't care for the person or you don't trust the person or you don't know if they'll stick around......those are the problems that are preventing sex from happening.
It sounds like some posters are trying to say women have a secret reason that men can't understand and there isn't any point in men trying to understand. That is the ultimate manipulation to say, "You just don't understand".
The fact is men understand all too well. When a woman declines sex it's because she doesn't trust or like the man or she she just doesn't like sex. There's no great mystery.
So, in some cases the man will come straight out and ask. Maybe something he said or referred to that caused the woman not to trust or like him. I'd say that would be the mature approach. To simply wait is not only ridiculous but leads to all kinds of problems. That's when people get into all sorts of games.
One person says, "I'm not going to have sex with you now. I'll let you know". What does one imagine the other person is going to think and do? That's when we hear stories about the guy never calling again or he is seeing someone else or he just stayed until sex happened and then made a quick exit because he had no intention of having a relationship under those conditions. In short, he played the game. He played the hand he was dealt.
Isn't it wiser to state the reason and deal with it? | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:17:27 PM |
Isn't it wiser to state the reason and deal with it?
Your assumption Dave, is that most women ( or even men) know immediately who a person is, or what their intentions are..or that it is fixed really fast by a few gestures. Or that it is something that can be articulated well...women do operate on emotions more than men, generally, and those aren't so easy to qualify...
Which brings us to:
It sounds like some posters are trying to say women have a secret reason that men can't understand and there isn't any point in men trying to understand. That is the ultimate manipulation to say, "You just don't understand".
You don't understand..if you did..you couldn't say this:
The fact is men understand all too well. When a woman declines sex it's because she doesn't trust or like the man or she she just doesn't like sex. There's no great mystery.
Sometimes true..but , in that case...I wouldn't go on any more dates with him..if I accept another date, and another..then obviously there is something I like, and trust takes time...it isn't automatic. As for not liking sex....no matter how many times any of us tell you that you are way off the mark on that one...you just refuse to accept it. Maybe because you are applying male logic to female behavior?
Maybe your experiences suggest that..but, you don't own the only valid experiences in the world..or on POF.
Liking sex, heck, loving it, has nothing to do with acting on impulses...for most women. I'd say it was true for most men.
You can insist all you want that it means what you say it means...but, the bottom line is..you aren't a woman...you can't even begin to think or feel as we do..and when a large majority of women tell you that's how it is...it would be wise to admit that. If one person says something...they could be in error..if many do...it's a very good indication that it is true.
I have no reason to lie about it...gains me nothing...hurts me with men of your point of view even...it is what it is. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:34:59 PM |
Your assumption Dave, is that most women ( or even men) know immediately who a person is, or what their intentions are..or that it is fixed really fast by a few gestures
I've read many of your posts, and you are a truly "real" and very nice woman. You are the small minority of the "go slow, while we get to know each other" types, who really means it. So, in a sense, you are the exception.
My take on your posts, also, is that you don't place a high priority on sex. It's part of the whole, perhaps, but way down the list. And that's ok. If you find men who are compatible, I wish you every happiness.
The problem comes in, when a man is sexually driven, and views it as a natural part of a relationship, and a woman seems to place little importance on sex as part of a relationship.
No one can say who is "right" or "wrong" in the OP. All one can say is that they are "wrong" for each other, because they have incompatible needs and dating styles. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:44:03 PM | Thank you for the compliment Ren...
However:
My take on your posts, also, is that you don't place a high priority on sex.
Your take on that one would be wrong...I don't have a low priority about sex ( if you only knew..lol)..I have a high priority about who I have it with, and when.
BIG difference.
In fact, I'd say that in my last LTR...he had the low priority...one of the reasons we are no longer together... | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/23/2008 8:18:46 PM | OP, 3 dates is a tad soon. Some people take a little longer to recover from heartache and betrayal and establishing trust, before giving themselves completely.
You mentioned 3 years which is a long time...but dont mention if she had been in a relationship of approx 6 months or more since.
I reckon 6 months to a year is reasonable time period within a relationship
But backing her into a corner is perhaps not the wisest action ;) | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/23/2008 8:25:26 PM |
reckon 6 months to a year is reasonable time period within a relationship
Different strokes to different folks, I guess. My tailights would be so far down the road, as to be in a different time zone, long before. roll:
But backing her into a corner is perhaps not the wisest action ;):
You read the part where she told him that she wanted to "call all the shots"? Good luck with that dynamic, for any man who allows it.  | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/23/2008 8:27:27 PM | | Tell her you only intended to massage her feet. It could hardly be considered a romantic advance, just remember to massage JUST her feet. If you behave it'll build her trust. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 6:20:01 AM | Everyone posting does understand that all the op wants is for this woman to have sex with him, he isn't asking her for marriage or a kidney? It really shouldn't be that big of an issue.
She hasn't been with her husband in three years. She should be over it. If she hasn't had sex in over three years it could explain a lot. I am not saying it is right, but maybe the x husband couldn't deal with her rejecting him for sex, and just went and got it somewhere else. After reading things here, hearing women talk on tv and in real life, and with the amount of sex the average woman wants, it really isn't surprising that so many men cheat. I truly think it takes a lot of nerve to tell a man, no I don't want to have sex with you anymore than a couple of times a week, but no you can't have sex with anyone else.
The op hasn't lived with his wife in 2 years. It is a legal marriage only. I am sure his "wife" couldn't care less who he is having sex with.
She doesn't know if he will stick around or not? What if he doesn't? She still had the fun of having sex with him, and she can still go on to meet someone else.
Why do so many women make such a huge deal of sex? I think my thing will be I will only eat ice cream with a man that I truly love. After all what what if we eat ice cream together and he never calls back? I would just be crushed. For those that didn't catch it, I am being sarcastic not serious. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:57:48 AM |
Why do so many women make such a huge deal of sex? I think my thing will be I will only eat ice cream with a man that I truly love. After all what what if we eat ice cream together and he never calls back? I would just be crushed.
bcsofnc57, you know, that's a great idea! I could deal with someone who needs to spend time thrifting and shopping for shoes, before she'll consider the possibility of sex on the 18th date, maybe; by telling her, we'll spend time having sex, in the hope that some months down the road, she'll consder having ice cream with me. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:22:50 AM | There is nothing wrong with this woman wanting to get to know this guy a little bit more and know what his intentions are. She has made it clear that she is a woman that is wanting a relationship of substance. Now that may not work for all woman or men some are willing to jump in right away and see where the chips land ...hey I have done it myself. Most of us get a read on people, being that he is seperated and not divorced could be a red flag to her and she chooses to tread carefully for 'THE MOMENT'.
Geez cut the woman some slack, all over the forums people are complaining I really liked this guy so I we had sex together now its been 3 weeks and I don't hear from him that much and yesterday he told me he wants to keep up his profile blah blah....
We all jump on the her and say "well if you didn't sleep with right away maybe that wouldn't have happened"
MY point is to each their own, sometimes they work stright out of the gate and sometimes they don't. The woman sounds like she may lead with heart and just wants to be sure before she makes that strong of committment. For some sex is an emotional experience and others its play time no emotions involved. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:06:51 AM |
There is nothing wrong with this woman wanting to get to know this guy a little bit more and know what his intentions are. She has made it clear that she is a woman that is wanting a relationship of substance. Now that may not work for all woman or men some are willing to jump in right away and see where the chips land ...hey I have done it myself. Most of us get a read on people
Generally speaking, when a woman wants to "take it slow", she's "just not that into you". So, from the OP, we know these things.
1. She is a controlling woman (wants to call the shots)
2. either isn't that strongly attracted to him/or doesn't place a high priority on sex
3. Hasn't communicated with the OP, or else he wouldn't be on POF posting about it.
There are people, who are perfectly content, spending time "getting to know each other" through a process of thrifting and shopping for shoes. That's fine, and I wish them well.
The thing is, the OP is obviously not one of those people, who feels his dreams have come true, when offered the opportunity to tag along carrying her parcels, as she "calls all the shots".
So, since the OP is among those who believe that a romantic relationship is in response to a human sex drive, he already knows it's problematical with this woman. So, were it me, I'd cut my losses, and look elsewhere. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:55:01 AM | In the OP's opening statement it reads...
Anyway she says "we are a good recipe, but need to be cooked slowly. My question is how long should I wait, we clearly have the hots for each other, but she says she wants to call the shots, and gets scared when she goes out of her comfort zone?
Now this is open for interpertation because how I read this is.....
She likes the OP but will not be pushed or made to feel guilty to do something that she is not ready for ( hardly controling behaviour) she has her reason and they should be respected for THE MOMENT.....now I will admit this could easily be her way of saying I'm not sure if I like you that way . That will have to be up to the OP to discern her body language, eye contact and flirtiness, only he knows for sure.
All we are doing is making big assumptions on very little details....especially since the Op has never been back to respond to his thread. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:05:17 PM | | I feel a woman needs time to want another man to touch her.. she is wanting to feel that she is special and wanted at the mo.. she is enjoing what you have and feels if it is rushed then she might miss something.. If you like her ,yes wait for her to be ready for your touch... she sounds sensible!! three meets is very little and she needs time to let you in....Good on her for holding the riens.. I hope it all gos well for you both.. anne | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:07:24 PM |
Geez cut the woman some slack, all over the forums people are complaining I really liked this guy so I we had sex together now its been 3 weeks and I don't hear from him that much and yesterday he told me he wants to keep up his profile blah blah....
We all jump on the her and say "well if you didn't sleep with right away maybe that wouldn't have happened"
That's exactly the kind of man you do want to sleep with on the first date. You get to find out early that he is a jerk. That kind of man is judging you badly for something he did himself. What other uptight double standards does he have? You haven't lost anything, and you have saved yourself from a jerk.
I just think the OP would be wise to forget about her and find someone else. They are simply not right for each other. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 12:24:52 PM |
how I read this is.....
She likes the OP but will not be pushed or made to feel guilty to do something that she is not ready for ( hardly controling behaviour) she has her reason and they should be respected for THE MOMENT.....now I will admit this could easily be her way of saying I'm not sure if I like you that way . That will have to be up to the OP to discern her body language, eye contact and flirtiness, only he knows for sure.
Iris, I think I was 16, having dated a total of 3 girls, when I realized something, and started sharing it with friends. Simply, " girls will always test you, and if you don't watch out, they'll try to make you into one of their girlfriends. Once that starts to happen, it's all over"
Nothing has changed from that initial understanding long ago. Yes, she enjoys his attention, and doing things with him. She enjoys having the control. She likes being able to keep him in line, by creating that "just out of reach" crazy making dynamic.
So, a woman with a healthy sexual attitude, who was really attracted to a guy, would do that ....why? | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 2:08:12 PM |
(msg 113) Geez cut the woman some slack, all over the forums people are complaining I really liked this guy so I we had sex together now its been 3 weeks and I don't hear from him that much and yesterday he told me he wants to keep up his profile blah blah....
We all jump on the her and say "well if you didn't sleep with right away maybe that wouldn't have happened"
I think people have to understand that a guy will leave for a number of reasons. The idea that guys just want to put a "notch in their belt" goes back to high school/college days.
The OP is 42 years old. Most guys in their 40's, unless they're a model or wealthy, do not have a line up of available women. In other words this "notch in their belt" idea is a fallacy. All a woman has to do is look at the guy and ask herself, "Does this guy look like he'd have women swooning around him?" Unless there is a major deal breaker a guy is not going to throw away sex so he can do without while trying to get another "notch in his belt".
As others have said one is free to decide when they are ready but when one implies the guy is just there for a ONS when the reason is the gal just isn't into him is being dishonest and I think the OP should come right out and ask her what the problem is.
As Renaissance Man asks in msg 118,
So, a woman with a healthy sexual attitude, who was really attracted to a guy, would do that ....why?
Why, indeed? | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 2:10:38 PM | Could be she has cold feet (or some other portion of her anatomy). Why not just date other people and that way, there is not so much pressure? i.e. get it on the side!! 
town slut so to speak Hey, I resemble that remark!!!  | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 2:26:10 PM | Each person and each relationship is different. But if it was me, if there's no intimacy by about the 5 date, I call it quits. Why? Because obviously sparks are not enough to desire the other person so much that you want to jump their bones. And what I've seen in the past with these type of passive relationships is that they end up being frustrating and more about getting over some previous person, until one day somebody sweep them off their feet and they sleep with that person on the first date.
Having been in both sides of that equation, I learned early on it's is a lot more fun, and the relationships last longer when you are the one that did not wait, was not the sympathetic chum that played "let's be friends first", and simply went for it, or kissed them goodbye.
Unfortunately, dude, you are already sounding "desperate" supplicating for sex, thus she has responded to your advances that she wants to call the shots. So, unless you learn some of the techniques that make a woman want your a$$ that makes her come across as the one being too pushy, you are not going to get none. Not from this birdie. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 2:29:30 PM | | i was with a lady for 3 years and she did the same type of stuff to make sure that i was there for her; not a booty call. i prefered it that way as to know she wasn't the town slut so to speak.take your time , she'll let u know when if u can catch the signals without a catcher's mitt. if u want to wait for a lady of substance instead of floozy. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 2:44:21 PM | It's only been three dates! I am sure I am repeating other posts...
If she wants to call the shots, and you don't call some of the shots then your gonna be sorry in the long run. But, its only been three dates! Relax, blue-balls are a very good for a newly budding romance. | |
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| how long should I wait?
Posted: 7/24/2008 2:51:35 PM | The OP is 42 years old. Most guys in their 40's, unless they're a model or wealthy, do not have a line up of available women. In other words this "notch in their belt" idea is a fallacy. All a woman has to do is look at the guy and ask herself, "Does this guy look like he'd have women swooning around him?" Unless there is a major deal breaker a guy is not going to throw away sex so he can do without while trying to get another "notch in his belt".
One does not have to be model or wealthy not to be involved in a relationship....from what I read from her is that she is looking for something more than a roll in the rack and she wants to be sure that is the Op's intentions also.
I've dated men some good looking and some no as much and they have a plethora of reasons for not wanting to be a LTR usually because woman give it up very easily without any expectations, these men never feel the need to committ to any one woman ....looks or not. All I'm saying is what's the rush 3 dates is not alot of time now if it were 3 months I'd be saying...yeah she probably isn't that into you....NEXT!!!!
I'm not saying the OP is one of these men but as I have mentioned in my previous poste only he knows for sure the level of their sexual chemistry and if she is worth a few more dates to find out. | |
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