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this is not a trust issue at all. It's about boundaries in a relationship. This far exceed those boundaries. I'm sick of hearing that a guy is insecure, possesive and what have you because he sets boundaries in a relationship. In fact something like this would make me really wonder how commited she is. No guy in his right mind would invite an old girlfriend to stay with him when he's engaged it's just not respectful of the relationship.

Sounds like you dont really care what he thinks, anyways...so why are you asking? Just do it.

I fail utterly to see why this should be problematic.

there isn't that vibe with them because we know where we stand. Unless your friends are incapable of respecting your boundaries, I don't see why that would interfere with a friendship even if it were the case.

I have many male friends with whom I am really and actually platonic. I suppose it's possible that some of them might be interested in sleeping with me, but they know we are platonic friends, so I don't really care if they do

(namrael) Personally? I'd refuse to allow someone to dictate to me like this.

I'd not accept someone telling me that a good friend of mine who IS an ex couldn't stay with me.

If a partner doesn't trust me, that's a much bigger issue than my friendship with any man.

No one tries to tell me who I can be friends with and under what terms. If someone I'm dating doesn't believe I can spend the night under the same roof as a man and be faithful to him, what that means in practice is more likely that HE would be incapable of such a thing.

That's because you're naive...

Are you sure there isn't that 'vibe' or are you just unaware of it...? Well, the 'friends' are often just waiting for an opportunity...

Ok... If they are 'really and actually platonic', then they would NOT be interested in sleeping with you... You have just contradicted yourself...
If you know they are interested in more, but continue to think of them as just platonic you're being naive again...
Women think of male friends in the context of "I don't want to sleep with him"
Men think of women friends in the context of "She doesn't want to sleep with me ---YET!"

I agree totally.

If you don't want to be dictated TO, you shouldn't imagine that you can do the dictating, as in "My exes are my friends, so deal with it!" There are enough single people, of both sexes, who don't try to pull this manipulative crap on their CURRENT SOs, that there's no excuse to put up with it.

If your partner doesn't trust you, then maybe youse two just shouldn't be together, instead of you trying to wield the "trust" club.

Doesn't necessarily mean any such thing. More than likely, it means he just doesn't like it. I know, I know, projection can be such fun, but people really should do less of it.

There's a name for women who try to force men to act in accord with THEIR feelings -- single.

(Arlö) If you don't want to be dictated TO, you shouldn't imagine that you can do the dictating, as in "My exes are my friends, so deal with it!" There are enough single people, of both sexes, who don't try to pull this manipulative crap on their CURRENT SOs, that there's no excuse to put up with it.

(namrael) I'm curious as to why you find this manipulative.

(namrael) For me, this is one of my deal-breakers, and something I'm up-front about from the beginning with a new partner.

(namrael) I wouldn't end any friendship at the request of an SO, and I don't see why this is any different simply because the friendship in question is with an ex.

(Arlö) Doesn't necessarily mean any such thing. More than likely, it means he just doesn't like it. I know, I know, projection can be such fun, but people really should do less of it.

(namrael) So what other reason could there be for it, assuming he wasn't projecting in this instance?

No guy in his right mind would invite an old girlfriend to stay with him when he's engaged it's just not respectful of the relationship.

Because people are more important than principles. Anyone who tells me (or themselves) that they NEVER fudge on a principle for the right person... well, they're lying.

Re-read above. He may just not like being forced to confront a situation he's not comfortable with. I know, I know, stepping out of my comfort zone is when I grow, but I wanna do my growing at my pace, not be told by someone else when I have to "grow".

Anyway, this is off-topic to the OP, which was: she wants her male friend to stay over, and her fiancé has reservations. You don't do that sorta thing in the engagement stage: you do it in the casual dating stage, or married-for-20-years stage.

(Arlö) Because people are more important than principles. Anyone who tells me (or themselves) that they NEVER fudge on a principle for the right person... well, they're lying.

(namrael) But why don't my friends fall into that "people are more important than principles" category as well?

I love my friends, and that's a big part of why I wouldn't end a friendship with someone at an SO's request.

An SO asking that seems to be forgetting that the friendship does involve actual people.

A conversation I have with an SO on this matter would involve some sort of, "I'm sorry this makes you uncomfortable; what can we do to increase your comfort with the situation?"

(Arlö) Anyway, this is off-topic to the OP, which was: she wants her male friend to stay over, and her fiancé has reservations. You don't do that sorta thing in the engagement stage: you do it in the casual dating stage, or married-for-20-years stage.

(namrael) Why not? Jealousy may be uncomfortable, but if there's trust there, they'll manage. And again, there may be compromises available; they both need to sit down and be honest and open with each other and discuss the concerns from both sides without getting overly defensive.

Sometimes you can't have both things that you want, but you have to choose one over another.

Hey! Quit pokin' me with your nose, Pinocchio!

You mean, you wouldn't end a friendship if MOST SOs requested it. The truth'll set you free...

An SO is ALSO an "actual person". Anyway, the OP's B/F is not asking her to end a friendship, but to not have a male friend sleep over. Big difference. That a lot of people can't see that the two situations are not identical may explain, in part, why there are so many single people these days.

And... what if your hypothetical SO's response was, "I'd feel comfortable if you didn't do this in the first place!" What'd be your answer to THAT, Count Bernadotte? (*nyah*)

Because you don't test something before it's ready to take the strain... unless you enjoy seeing a relationship crash-and-burn.

"Compromise" is a too-often used word. Sometimes, you SHOULD compromise, but sometimes you have to put your foot down and say "No!" If I have a hundred bucks in my wallet, and a mugger wants all of it, and I don't feel like giving him any of it, should we compromise, and I give him fifty dollars? Of course not. "Compromise" is not ALWAYS the solution, you know.

(namrael) I deal poorly with a lack of trust in my relationships. You may interpret this situation differently, but that's my take on it, and I would no be okay with someone who couldn't handle my being in the same house overnight with a male friend. I've had male roommates before as well; would there be a similar issue in that case? Would my SO really believe me to be such a weak person that I couldn't say no to someone and would break a relationship agreement because of it?

So how do you know whether it's a solid relationship before marriage? If you're solid enough to be engaged, shouldn't that relationship ALREADY be strong enough to "take the strain"?

(namrael) A conversation I have with an SO on this matter would involve some sort of, "I'm sorry this makes you uncomfortable; what can we do to increase your comfort with the situation?"

(Arlö) And... what if your hypothetical SO's response was, "I'd feel comfortable if you didn't do this in the first place!" What'd be your answer to THAT, Count Bernadotte? (*nyah*)

(namrael) That I was willing to work out a compromise...

In this situation, I would see an unwillingness to talk about a workable compromise as a red flag.