| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 2:37:52 PM | Sheesh. You leave for a few days, and suddenly almost everyone goes blind to the realities of life.
Being uncomfortable with a situation is NOT, repeat NOT, necessarily an indicator of a "trust" issue. That she offered, THEN asked her S/O about it (I'd suggest that maybe he isn't all that significant to her after all), speaks VOLUMES about how she prioritizes his feelings.
It's actually a good thing, though: the guy knows where he fits in her Grand Scheme of things. Hopefully, he sacks up and tells her to have as many male friends over as she likes, as he dumps her.
Arlo  | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 2:58:30 PM |
(ChocolateNutt) When they marry, I imagine they'll share a home. Do you think none of her friends/family should stay with them because they might take a cd?
If/when they marry, a different dynamic will come into play. But they're not married NOW, and they shouldn't behave as if they are, and people shouldn't be suggesting that they behave as if they are married, either.
That also takes a bit of trust, I guess, in your partner's judgment of character.
Don't all y'all ever get tired of playing that hackneyed, worn-out "trust" card? Why not start playing the "I should have consideration for my SO's feelings" card, instead?
Arlo | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 2:59:50 PM | "I didn't see where the Op mention the fiancees telling her she can't have male friends anymore, or talk to guys,etc. What he said was " I don't feel comfortable with a dude sleeping over at your house"."
Actually what he said was the Op was "Not allowed" to have this guy spend the weekend at her house. Even Ray Charles would see that as a red flag, and he is not only blind but also happens to be dead.
If these two people get married with all these issues, The marriage would have as much chance of success as i do of becoming King of England.
" And quite frankly why do you feel the need to have a "friend" visit anyway don't you have a boyfriend to spend time with"
Without a doubt one of the most rediculous statements i ever read here on pof( and there has been many). I wonder if the above poster truly read that statement before she hit the post button?. | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 3:06:59 PM |
Actually what he said was the Op was "Not allowed" to have this guy spend the weekend at her house. Even Ray Charles would see that as a red flag, and he is not only blind but also happens to be dead.
It's precisely the "not allowed" that I find more problematic than the OP's wants vs. the BF's discomfort. | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 3:26:00 PM | Angelheart3
She also said
he has not got angry about it, he has just told me the thought upsets him, so i should not do it.
I see no red flag there.
I thaught people were supposed to comunicate they're feelings in a relationship.
And she said also that she would feel the same if the roles were reversed...would that be ok then... | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 3:48:22 PM | "not allowed" were her words in this forum i think....is this what HE really said? Based on the rest of her original message, i doubt those would be his exact words, but what do i know.
If he DID say those words, at most it's a bad choice of words to convey his feelings towards his new fiancee's ridiculous request.
She should not have asked him the question, she should have made alternative arrangements beforehand. | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 4:23:05 PM | armbar - in the element below is a red flag:
he has just told me the thought upsets him, so i should not do it.
Covert, but it's there. Think about it - the thought of what precisely is upsetting him? The "should not do it" is manipulative by it's very implication. I'll paint the picture a little differently for clarification:
BF thinks about the men the GF works with and it upsets him so GF SHOULD stop working with men because it upsets him that she is. SHOULD is a covert way in this context of saying "if you loved me, you would not do things to make me upset". The very same implied "if you really loved me you would not let your friend stay at your place and make me worry about the two of you getting it on" is in the quoted statement above.
The posters that stated these two should not get married are spot on. Not pointing fingers at either OP or the BF specifically as both are engaging in a "power play" over this issue, but welcome to the opening dynamics of the classic abusive relationship. Factor in a bit of alcohol >3xweek which has a high probability of being the BF's root concern about this whole issue, which isn't rocket science (looking at the bigger picture) and the stage is set for one h*ll of show without any standing ovations.
That's what I meant, armbar. By the way, where is the OP? | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 4:38:59 PM | | In a relationship sometimes you need to respect the others wishes, believe in them or not.I could not even think of being offended if I were to visit an old girlfriend and the fiance didnt want me staying there. This is the person you are looking to spend the rest of your life with, if you cant agree what behavior is out of bounds you might want to have that discussion soon. your soon to be husband taking the side of caution is neither wrong or selfish. Who hasnt done something in a relationship that they dont later regret. IMHO good Luck | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:06:56 PM | I must be from another planet.
I see absolutely nothing wrong letting a friend of the opposite sex stay over. (Especially with your roommate there!) Maybe it's because I am totally secure and would never date someone I didn't trust or whom didn't trust me...
Last summer an ex-boyfriend was recording an album in town and he stayed at my place. We even slept in the same room on different couches. My boyfriend was fine with it and so was his girlfriend. The last night I did push him to get a hotel room but that's only because he was totally annoying me.
Now that I think about it, when I travel I stay with friends, some of which are men. If any boyfriend ever had a problem with that I'd be kissing him g'bye!
I don't know what to say, there must be other issues there somewhere. That's all a little too controlling for me. | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 7:37:43 PM | "That's all a little too controlling for me. "
What a bunch of psycho babble. He's not twisting her arm. She's free to do whatever she pleases. And so is he. He is perfectly in his rights to abandon the relationship if she has her gentleman friend over. He's just as entitled to his beliefs as she is.
I don't know who started all this "controlling" nonsense -- but it's just nonsense. Nobody is beating anyone, handcuffing anyone -- nothing. He has just let her know what he feels is acceptable in a relationship. She is free to go if her beliefs as to what is acceptable in a relationship are different than his. That's what life is all about people -- when you reach areas upon which you do not agree and cannot compromise, you split.
Control. How silly. Anytime someone uses that word I just shake my head. Next thing you'll be telling me is that she needs "closure" on an issue. I thought we outgrew this in the 1970s. Go chant your mantra, maybe you can tell us the sound of one hand clapping. | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 8:55:26 PM | If it is a matter of money and he sleeps on the coach , I would only feel it is respectful to make sure your BF is staying over too . After all why can't you all be friends and this will put his mind at ease..I can't recall if you invited him . but if you didn't maybe you are keeping lifeboats on the side..Otherwise if you care about him, you would considered how this would make him feel
especially if he does not know both of yours history.. | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 10:30:35 PM | | Listen to your fiancee he is more important than your mate and he should respect your relationship. Men and women no matter if they have others, shit happens sometimes- dont place your self in that situation. I am sure though that this would not be a problem and that you are loyal. People in a relationships should have healthy boundaries with the opposit sex | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 10:45:53 PM | angelheart3
I think you have a distorted view of this.And that you're reading way too much into this.And overdramatizing.You're blowing this way out of proportion.
He never said that she couldn't spend time with him.He's not trying to mnipulate her in cutting her off from the world.She said herself that they have spent time together and that her bf didn't mind.What ?the fact that having a guy sleep over his fiances makes him uncomfortable and that he asks her not too is so unreasonable.
I can't believe this.So if he told her you should not have sex with other men...that's being controlling.
Plz... | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/17/2008 11:53:35 PM | I had a female boss and we got on really well and I suggested we have a platonic meal together (we'd worked together for about a year). She went home and asked her husband and her husband said no and I just respected that, after all her relationship with her husband is more important than her working relationship with me.
What I did have a bit of a problem dealing with was her asking me a while later, in a locked room, 'do you have those kind of feelings for me?'. So I told her no, which was true. I didn't mention the fact I knew she was seeing a chap from another department on the side and while I knew her husband was the one who said no I thought it might be her b/f who had asked her to probe into my motives a bit deeper.
I've had single female friends for a while and they get into sharing their innermost thoughts with you and then you realise a crunch is coming because at some point they'll get a b/f and suddenly you'll be Mr Persona Non Grata - what bloke wants his g/f having a male friend who shares more intimate conversation with his g/f than he does? My intuition tells me when it's 'time to go' and boy it can be hard to get rid of said single female.
I think it's that intimacy issue, the idea of a 'friend' sharing things of a more intimate nature and a longer history of it, that might act as a threat.
But to be honest it's an opportunity for your b/f to grow up and overcome this. If you're going to sleep with your male friend you're going to do it if you do it when your friend stays over or not.
Later on when your b/f knows your friend better (you should introduce them by the way) it would probably be fine but if your friend's a genuine friend he'll understand if he has to put up somewhere else.
I think you and your friend should respect your b/f's feelings as they are in the place where he is now at. Timing is the thing. Once you've been married 20 years he'll be inviting guys over to stay with you I'm sure but for now ... | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/18/2008 12:03:53 AM | Come on people... isn't this a common sense issue? It isn't about trust or jealousy. It's about making good decisions that do NOT invite scrutiny or insecurity. Being engaged you should be building trust and confidence in your realationship. Married couples don't put themselves in questionable situations... atleast not the less than 50% who actually stay together!
If you and your bloke are that close, he wouldn't want to put you in an awkward spot with your fiance. Unless of course he is a creep artist waiting for the right opportunity to pounce! | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/18/2008 12:05:14 AM | | Maybe your Mother should sit in and watch this guy sleep. You're engaged. I think your fiance is jealous to a certain extent because this mate is a single male sleeping in your apartment. You said you understand yourself. If marriage is a serious consideration, and equality is important, look for a compromise. | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/18/2008 3:35:58 AM | | I didn't read the entire thread, but couldn't your boyfriend offer up his couch for the guy? That way he doesn't have to feel uncomfortable with the guy being with you overnight, but then your friend still has a place to stay. If your boyfriend is just somewhat uncomfortable with the situation, and realizes it's about his insecurities, then this should not pose a problem, as this is a way that he can make up for it, and still feel that you are respecting his feelings. If he trusts your judgement enough, then a good friend of yours should be someone that could potentially be a good friend of his. And if you trust this friend, then he should be able to trust the guy at his place. If you suggest this, and he is unwilling to do this, then I would say he is being unreasonable. Also, be sure to include your boyfriend in any potential plans (invite him along even if you know he's going to busy). That will help him feel included, and that there is nothing to worry about. | |
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| I want my male friend to stay with me for a weekend but my boyfriend wont have it!
Posted: 7/18/2008 4:36:14 AM |
(angelheart3) armbar - in the element below is a red flag:
he has just told me the thought upsets him, so i should not do it.
Covert, but it's there. Think about it - the thought of what precisely is upsetting him?
Oh, fer cryin' out loud...
So, the BF is only deserving of having his feelings taken in to consideration if he can articulate, EXACTLY, what he's "uncomfortable" with? Utter rot.
Listen, this is what leads to so many problems in relationships: one partner pushing, and pushing, and PUSHING, for a response. Eventually, it's INEVITABLE that the person being badgered will blurt something out ion an effort just to SHUT THE OTHER PERSON UP. And then a big problem becomes a HUGE one.
Sometimes, it's a good idea just to accept another's feelings at face-value, and not subject them to all sorts of cheap psycho-analysis about "control", and airily dismiss them if they can't be articulated to your satisfaction.
A wise person knows when to pick his/her battles, and isn't always trying to batter the less-well-spoken into submission, ya know?
Arlo | |
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