| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/18/2008 7:43:57 PM | | honestly you should talk to her about AA if she thinks she doesn't have a problem or wont accept help your best bet is to move on cause it will only get worse | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/18/2008 7:57:13 PM | My father is a functional alcoholic and I can't tell you the misery he caused me while I was growing up. The problem is that when you are dealing with a person and they are drunk, you can't reason with them. They do embarrassing things and they can be really mean and defensive. Don't get me wrong, he is a great man, was a wonderful provider - but it takes someone real special to deal with these kinds of people.
You have to ask yourself if this is something you are willing to put up with. You might want to talk to her and see if she is perceives that she is drinking too much lately. It could be a phase - I have been there myself. I always think the key to this is, do they drink at home alone? If they need a couple of drinks at the end of each day, then you are dealing with, at the very least, a functional alcoholic.
A good friend of mine dated a "real fun girl" for a while and fell in love - got married and she embarassed him all the time - she would drink, flirt with guys, dance seductively on the floor - she was disrespectful to him. If he tried to stop her from drinking, she would hide the alcohol - of course he knew. He finally ended the marriage after 6 months, and she refused to sign the divorce papers - it took him over a year to divorce her and she was able to get a few thousand dollars out of him...and she had never worked. She would do anything to create drama in his life. I felt bad for him.
If you care about her though, give her the benefit of the doubt and see if this is a phase. Talk to her about it - if she gets angry and defensive - she probably has a problem. | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/18/2008 9:03:29 PM | | Dating an alcoholic is the WORST thing you can do to yourself. You can't help her and you can't change her. She has already ruined her life and she will ruin yours too. Get out fast, and get out now while you still can. Al Anon can be a good support group, but don't go thinking they will teach you how to get her to stop drinking. Alcoholism to me is a form of insanity that spreads to anyone in their realm. Even if they do stop drinking many continue the same destructive behavior, because it's not necessarily their drinking - it's their thinking. Unfortunately throughtout my 20's I seemed to be a magnet for alcoholics. I've gotten a bad black eye, lived in fear of being kicked out of the apt in the middle of the night, public humilitation at work, and I downed a bottle of muscle relaxer in front an angry alchy bf to "show him" and ended up having my stomach pumped and spent a week in intensive care. Depression is anger turned inward and I was VERY angry that he refused to acknowledge that he had a problem when I attempted an "intervention" with him on my own. (bad idea) I would empty out quarts of beer in the fridge and fill them with water so he'd get a surprise in the morning when he wanted a little hair of the dog, and they are helpless as babies most of the time. If I wanted a child, I would have given birth to one. I was passive aggressive with them, to punish them I would break a favorite thing like a cd while they were passed out and tell them they did it when they were drunk, or I would empty his pockets and he would just think he spent all of his money at the bar. I felt he owed me something for screwing up my life. Since alcoholics have blackouts and don't remember half of what they do, promiscuity, drugs, violence, abuse, and even crime can go along with the package. They are even known to be incontinent in bed and you can wake up in a puddle of their urine or WORSE. Being around alcoholics turned me into a miserable and awful person. I'm so glad that time in my life is long since passed and I am extremely vigilant for any red flags of addictive behavior when I meet someone. When you know better, you do better. | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/18/2008 9:10:42 PM |
but I'm not sure if I can handle being literally afraid to go out with her at night to places
That will be the least of your problems if you get seriously involved with her. She is an alcoholic. She won't stop until she WANTS to. Her children are fearful that when she goes to sleep..she won't wake up. Their fears are a result of the reality they have LIVED! They have seen much more than you have Tim. I'm glad they have their Grandma, but that is just so sad... 
You can try to get her to see that she has a problem and needs to get help, but you can't fix her. She will drag you down with her! I say get out now, before you get in too deep.
Another voice of experience here....married to an alcoholic for 13 yrs, and still have to deal with him on a weekly basis because of our children, who, although 15 and 25 now still have problems dealing with their Dad on a regular basis. I have spent many a night consoling my boys after Dad got drunk and lashed out at them. They know he is killing himself one drink at a time and it breaks their hearts! | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/19/2008 1:35:12 PM | If you stay with her- which most people won't recommend, myself included-
Educate yourself on how, when and why alcoholics behave as they do.
And how not to continue to be enabling and co-dependent.
Right now, you drink with her, then trying to save her.
It's creating a no-win cycle for both of you.
You say she "can't control" this? Yes, she can- she simply choses not to.
Go to AA, if you think she's worth the effort, but it's likely to benefit you alone.
She has to fix this on her own, in her own time, and possibly never will. | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/20/2008 8:11:18 AM | My sister is an alcoholic and has been sober now for 6 months YEAHHHHH!!!!!
When she finally decided to quite she had enough of feeling sick and tired all the time it was just a vicious cycle. She drank because she was unhappy in herself, she had an abusive ex, no money, kids.....really any reasons would do but those were the key ones.
Through her job she met a guy and had that elusive chemistry we all talk about, they went on a few dates, he informed her that he had been in the program for 12 years, she was impressed although it didn't stop her from drinking which she did even with him until he said no more , he witnessed first hand her abuse of alcohol. She was devastated and finally decided to do something about her drinking, at first she had given it up for him but now it is all about her.
The first couple of months she was in denial about actually being an alcoholic she said she was quitting because she was doing a lifestyle change. She barely managed without booze but she did, she was still depressed. After haven spoken to a few people she decided to give AA a try and work on herself and her thoughts (addict thinking, usually a lot of resentment).
She has been sober for 6 months lost 35 lbs and is working on her 4th step. I would love to share before and after pictures of her she looks like a completely different person inside and out. She is the happiest I have seen her and radiance shines through, she has absolutley no desire to pick up another glass of wine or beer, and she has been tested to the limit, our father passed away in her 2nd month and she made it.
As for the guy she met he is happy for her but refuses to have anything to do with her romatically until she has been sober for 1 year and he is sticking to it. He knows how important the first year is to her sobriety and will do nothing to jeopordize it.
Heres to you sis....love ya.
Op.... we all knew my sister had a problem, we only prayed for this day. I hope that it can work for your girl too. She is the only one that can do the work. | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/20/2008 8:45:00 AM | o.... Cut the losses! The sooner you get out, the better off you are going to be.
WHY?
Alcoholism is an addictive behavioral issue. You will see the same addictive personality elsewhere other than drinking, such as gambling, needing for approval, being a martyr for children, codependency.... it is a compulsive pattern she uses to cope with life. = BAGGAGE!
Alcohol is a depressant. She is going to drink more and more, and getting more and more depressed.
You may feel sorry for her, but don't confuse that compassion for the hurts with LOVE. | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/21/2008 2:11:22 PM | I just wanted to know if ANYONE on this thread has saw the below video it is to do with Alcoholic Abuse!
| |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/21/2008 2:11:40 PM | I just wanted to know if ANYONE on this thread has saw the below video it is to do with Alcoholic Abuse!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLbndJKMtCk | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/21/2008 4:11:52 PM | Alcohol... the "great escape". Or one of them. You can't help her, she has to help herself. Try to get her into AA. There is support for you out there, I think alanon?
It's sad, I know. Good luck. | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:42:42 PM | OP, hopefully by this point, you're getting the gist of most of the posts. Those with experience with alcoholism, and a real understanding of the disease, have almost universally suggested that, if you can control your feelings enough to leave, then that's the sane choice.
I AM an alcoholic, sober nearly 30 years. I have spent a lot of time doing "12th step work" (reaching out to those who still suffer), and have seen many miracles, including me. However, recovery has to begin with the alcoholic choosing to begin recovery, which is total abstinence. It can't be "controlled". She can't "cut down". She can't "change her behavior", while continuing to drink. Most importantly, you can't "control" her drinking, and you especially can't control her behavior, until she enters recovery, because she is ready.
Criticizing alcoholic thinking or behavior for an active alcoholic is like criticizing a fish for swimming or a bird for flying. Alcoholics drink, because that's what alcoholics do. They behave like drunks, because that's what they are. They are unpredictable, because alcoholics are. | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/21/2008 5:46:09 PM | Hey Renaissance Man I knew I liked you for a reason.. 
Ala-nut here.. 24 years this summer.
Great post succinct.. something that I am not.. hehehe. | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/22/2008 5:48:26 AM |
Criticizing alcoholic thinking or behavior for an active alcoholic is like criticizing a fish for swimming or a bird for flying. Alcoholics drink, because that's what alcoholics do. They behave like drunks, because that's what they are. They are unpredictable, because alcoholics are.
Very good point. Add to that, the alcoholic partner's thinking is as subject to critique as the drinking partner. Enablers try to control the alcoholic's drinking AND behavior, because that is what they do. Enablers protect the alcoholic partner from the consequences of his/her drinking, because that is what enablers do. And so on...
Actually, in the Ala-Anon groups I have been involved with in the past, the non-alcoholic partner was considered to be a "dry" alcoholic behaviorally and in their thinking. How fitting that Al-Anon uses the same 12-step program as AA, only the focus is not on the alcoholic but on the enabling partner or family member who is in attendance at the meetings.
Regardless of OP's decision, Al-Anon is very much warranted for the OP, IMO.
Sidebar: Awesome on that "12th step work", Renaissance Man - simply AWESOME. | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/22/2008 6:30:34 AM | ...... but your having fun with her right???? good time when she's almost passed out, eh? it took you 3 months to figure out her personality style? as if... your just taking advantage, dude, your getting your rocks off on an easy target, and posting here to try to seem considerate and compassionate.
anyway, as someone who has experience with alcoholism, you are nothing really to her. you've only been in her life for 3 months, if you try to change her you'll just be another person that has judged her and doesnt accept her for who she is. if you leave her, you'll be just another person that turned their back on her. Its her problem, and unless she is openly asking people for help, she cant be helped. its just not your place... | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/22/2008 8:04:09 AM | An alcoholic relationship is impossible.
It's hard at all times.
It's good - rarely.
It is insulting, disrespectful and inexcusable.
Don't tolerate it.
And don't waste your time in life this way.
Why would you WANT to?
There are many good women, looking for good, stable and real relationships....
Make the right choice here for yourself. | |
|
kgrl08
|
Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 91 | |
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/22/2008 10:48:39 AM | | Oh My! Run dont walk! I also dated an alcoholic,they will never choose you over the booze,trust me,they will just hurt,lie and do anything to get that drink on,and when you cant tolerate or keep up with them,they just go find a new drinkin buddy or shut down and drink alone,you cannot help,they have to want it,good luck,and get away! | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:38:53 AM | | Leaving an alcoholic... and that lifestyle. Personal choice. Alcoholism comes with low self esteem, confusion, unhappiness, control issues. So really it's a lifestyle you choose if you really like her. You may be her best friend and she will continue to embarrass you, control much of your life because hers is out of control. You will be the guy she continues to walk on, disappoint and make promises she can't keep. Can she be the woman of your dreams if she doesn't change and she may not. There is little thanks given to the enabler, your new role if you stay with her. | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:56:18 AM | I've dated 2 of them....never again. Each time was a sigh of relief when I walked away. One had the nerve to call me a year later to say that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Apparently, he had lost all of his friends.
 | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/22/2008 2:33:50 PM | take care of you. I know that from experence. I have not had a drink for over nine years. The drink came before anyone or anything else.
she can either.
sober up
be covered up " dead"
or locked up.
until she hits a real bottom she will never change. It might be best to find someone else. You will be getting in way over your head if you don't know about this. It is a matter of life or death. Want the drama stay if not its time to back away. | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/22/2008 3:18:03 PM | Life is like a bunch of chocolates. When you find a flavour that suits you well you will know. Heres to the flavours that abound!!!! | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/24/2008 3:19:14 PM | RUN!! As said before you are not deep in. Take it from someone who was married to an alcoholic for years.
27 years married - we "separated in 2002 (he worked out of state for a year) he got "sober" due to a DUI in the other state where he was working. He came home in 2003 and we decided to try again with him sober. We had 4 great years. Moved to another city, started over with new friends, did almost everything together. In Aug.07 he changed jobs (a month later he was very unhappy), Oct. we looked at land for retirment, Nov. he had a few drinks at our only child's first wedding(she married a military man, had 2 weddings due to deployment), started drinking and having MAJOR blackouts, end of Jan. wanted a divorce in 60 days. He was cheating and lying to me. The woman (and I use that loosely) knew he was still married (she looks like a man and is bigger than most men) and she has harrassed me off and on. While drunk he told our only child he never wanted her and admitted that he tried to choke and kill her when she was 17 (another story, don't worry she and I moved out at that time). And was not there at her second (the big one) wedding, needless to say she was deeply hurt.
I would not want anyone to go thru what I have! The scars are deep and sometimes I feel that they are keeping me from getting any farther in the dating game than a first date. I almost feel as if I have a scarlett letter on me stating "was married to an alcoholic and scarred". The last year and a half have been a major growing sprut for me. I just hope one day I will find someone one who will be willing to care for me and accept that I have a scarlett past.
So please listen to someone who has been there, it is not worth it!!! The pain I have gone thru and the pain my daughter has gone thru has been tremendous!!! | |
|
kgrl08
|
Joined: 2/13/2008
Msg: 97 | |
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/28/2008 7:29:00 AM | | Pinklady,I tried to email you,but your restrictions wouldnt let me,I could totally relate to your post and have lived thru much that you have too,Iam glad you got away,Iam still healing,and I know that Iam better off now,oh,my ex cheated on me too,and funny,the woman{use that loosely too!}looked like a man also,perhaps a tranny? hahah,what is it with alcoholics and picking up manly women?!! | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/28/2008 3:41:54 PM | I dated an alcoholic for 16 months. Initially, I did not pick up on the tell tale signs. We had great times initially.. then I spent a full week with her. Sure.. the odd night I would spend with her.. and I was greeted at 7 a.m. on a Sunday morning with a Screwdriver.. never thought anything of it...'cause when I go on vacation, it is not uncommon for me to have an "eye opener" at around that hour..
Let me cut to the chase.. I spent a week with her.. began to wonder after day two of that week why I heard the blender going at 7 in the morning....then, if I slept in.. 8.. and 9.. and by 9:30 she was set for the day.
She had issues with her job and she got canned. I never knew exactly why that happened (although, I did.. confronted her.. and naturally she denied)..and the wheels started falling off the relationship. I read the "Riot Act" to her.. and involved her parents that lived a significant distance away. She was pissed with me..but she said she would do it because she valued our relationship. Let me cut more to the chase..she hit her "Rock Bottom" and went to rehab. She made it through the program.. got the certificate.. was enrolled in AA etc. .. was doing well. I had to go out of my area for 10 days on business. I came back.. she was back into it..she also was messing around on me too. I broke it off immediately. It was nasty. I have no idea where she is today. All I know is she is with "Biker" types.. and I suppose living the life she always wanted to lead. The sad part about all of this is.. she has three kids.. and I often wonder how they are doing. I would not be a bit surprised with they are in custody of a CAS somewhere. | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/28/2008 4:09:49 PM | Live and learn. Substance abusers are narcisistic people, and will find any excuse to blame someone else for their reasons.As well, they are wonderful liars.The choice is yours.... | |
|
| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/28/2008 6:08:34 PM | | kgrl08, I am going to lift my restrictions, I tried to contact you but we have the same restrictions. I would love to be able to talk to you. | |
|
Home
login 
