| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/28/2008 6:29:07 PM | They say alcoholics need to hit bottom before they are ready to seek help.
I believe that is true.
I don’t believe there is anything you can do for her except to leave so that she is closer to realizing she has a problem.
The thing is that she needs to realize it.
I’ve found that telling someone that they have a problem is met with hostility, denial, and typically they project their problem on to you.
I was recently with one. She took anti-depressants, weighed 95 pounds and could drink me under-the-table. If I didn’t drink with her she would call me an alcoholic. I was no where as important to her as her drink. She would be sweet, charming, and was everything I wanted until she got that fourth drink in her. Then she turned into “Mr. Hyde” and she became quite abusive.
I finally realized I could not fix this and had to leave. It wasn’t easy.
Remember, “You didn’t break it - it’s not your job to fix it.”
Ceij | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/28/2008 11:38:18 PM |
The choice is yours
Hopefully, it's that simple. Unfortunately, most people who get sucked into an active alcoholic's orbit, end up with issues of their own. Often, the people who get involved, like the OP, have codependent tendencies to begin with, which can become full blown in a relationship with an alcoholic.
In any case, that's why there is help for the "other" in Al Anon. I should have said that in my earlier post. OP, even though you aren't married to her, you may find some help in letting go by checking out Al Anon. It's not as simple as just telling you to leave, or it may not be that simple. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/29/2008 3:49:26 AM | Advice?
Run like hell.
Then find out what's broken in you that made you even CONSIDER being with her.
BTW: I am in Twelve Step Recovery myself. I know of what I speak. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/29/2008 3:51:25 AM | To Renaissance Man 1950:
> Unfortunately, most people who get sucked into an active alcoholic's orbit,
> end up with issues of their own.
Correction: START with issues of their own. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/29/2008 10:18:54 AM | | I wouldn't mind if a woman drinks but I wouldn't put up with an alcoholic myself. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/29/2008 11:11:35 AM | | I am an alcoholic and it wont work out with her. It seems that every guy that I date is an alcoholic or becomes one. My Boyfriend and I both had drinking problems. He died in a car accident and of course the only way I knew how to handle it was to drink. That was 4 years ago and I still drink every day. I dont have anything and have lost everything because of my drinking. Nobody can make her stop. You can and should try and help, but if you can't..then walk away. You will only get hurt. I have hurt so many people by my drinking problem, I am suprised my family still talks to me. Best of luck to you and her. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/29/2008 1:54:47 PM | | sounds like a huge red flag hon ..you cant help someone unless they want to help themselves and it sounds like she has alot of emotional baggage and with that it would be very hard to move forward ..alcholics have excuses after excuses to drink rather then face thier problem. I have a couple people that i care about deeply that are alcholics but you cant save anyone that doesnt want to be saved ,,all you can do is be there for them when they are ready and want help...until then they emotionally unavailable to anyone , even themselves ,,good luck | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/29/2008 2:19:06 PM | Get out of that relationship! Now!
Sorry to be so blunt, but I've noticed you're a young, single, educated, professional person. Why on earth would you want to take on a LTR with a heavy drinker who has two children and an ex-husband?
Don't fall into the role of the savior or the care-giver. Just get out before it's too late.
You'll have no problem finding someone else and starting over. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/29/2008 3:21:02 PM | Correction: START with issues of their own.
A very astute observation, TheWorldIsMadeOutOfLove. The best I have ever heard a relationship with an alcoholic described is that the basic difference between the two partners is that one is a drinking alcoholic and the other partner figuratively is the non-drinking alcoholic.
My first introduction to Al-Anon decades ago was a very uncomfortable eye opener. Ummm...for all the blame I was dishing out about my then husband's alcoholism, I was shamefully in need of my own self-work. Although my core family (parents) were not by definition "alcoholics", my paternal grandfather was. While the alcohol addiction element skipped a generation, the unhealthy relationship/family dynamics that are an integral part of the alcoholic relationship persevered. I have to add that being the non-drinking partner (only drunk ever once in my life and that was enough - blah!) made it easy to believe he was "the one" with "the problem". NOT. We both brought into the marriage our own separate baggage.
It's not that the non-alcoholic partner gets sucked into anything per se relative to an active alcoholic's orbit, IMO. Denial is no respecter of persons.
No one can actually get sucked into anyone's orbit without being willing to go there in the first place. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/29/2008 4:13:27 PM | | I know intamatly what you are going through. I moved to alabama two years ago from california. A few months after that I went to a bar that a frend recomended to meet people. The woman next to me struck up a conversation with me and i fell head over heels for her by the end of the night. The problem is that she has lost very good jobs because of her drinking, has lost the trust of her family, has been in trouble several times for alcohol related things and i have let her drag me down as well. I have begged her to get help, told her if she went to rehab i would take care of her bills, her children, visit her every day and write to her. Still she will not get help. We have been together for 18 months and i am more in love with her than i ever was with my x wife of 9 years. i dont know what to tell you except that if you love her you will stick by her. Dont enable her. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/29/2008 4:30:15 PM | | Have her call AA right away - she is a classic alcholic! With all the information that is out there you should know that it is a disease but can be overcome. Whatever you do - do not let her make it your fault because she will. I had to learn the hard way that I was not responsible for anyone's drinking problem and they always blame the person they are closest too for drinking. She really needs to find a sponsor ASAP no matter what she says. Don't believe her if she tells you she will stop next Monday - it aint gonna happen without professional help. My advice - if she doesn't get help say bye bye | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/29/2008 4:36:13 PM | | Coastergal - it sounds like y9u think every women who is an alcholic should get pregnant. You also cannot take them to a place where there is no drinking - believe me they will have it with them or find it just as fast as you can turn your head. She needs help but only if SHE wants it. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/29/2008 5:41:09 PM | Firstly you cant get her help, she has to want the help on her own. Even if you "try" to get her help, if she dont want it, youll just be waisting your time......
Check out a local Alonon group.... best advice possible. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/29/2008 6:20:43 PM | | crleader1 is right on the money, theres no helping, only when they admit to having a drinking problem can you do anything, i myself have not had a drink in 20 years, i just ignored anyone who said i had a problem, your family will most likely help you deny you have a problem because they dont want to admit that someone in the family might be an alcoholic, sounds weird but its the way it is, take a look on POF, everyone has listed there a social drinker, everyone is a social drinker till there life is so messed up they have to stop. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/31/2008 7:49:58 AM | That was 4 years ago and I still drink every day.
sorry to hear of your loss Kat ,,and i commend you on admitting your drinking problem ..however you say your still drinking everyday ,,your profile is a little misleading for men when you put " no" if you drink. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/31/2008 8:14:19 AM | She has to want to get help for herself. You can't help someone that isn't ready to do so. I would point her to a therapist that deals with addiction. They could help her with all the underlying problems. Maybe after 6 months of therapy you could revisit the notion of dating her. But she sounds like shes on a one way ticket to the bottom of the ocean..and in my experience..she will take you with her. Don't confuse love with pity...tell her she needs some help..give her some people she can call( Not AA yet). A good therapist will tell her if AA is right for her. Hang in there it must feel awful in your position, but it won't get better unless she hits rock bottom and WANTS to change. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/31/2008 8:22:55 AM | | if she isn't willing to face her addiction, this is a train wreck waiting to happen | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/31/2008 8:29:43 AM | So you want advice ? Buy yourself a book. Co-Dependent No More.
You are involved with her for three months and already wanting her to change.Doesn't seem like she has given you any indication she wants to change anything.
You have NO control over how much she drinks, why she drinks, or when she drinks. The only thing you have control over is your behavior. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/31/2008 8:35:23 AM | She really needs to find a sponsor ASAP no matter what she says
Chickalina, your post, while well intentioned, is off the mark. Someone has to want sobriety for herself, before calling AA. There are far too many people who call, to placate someone else, wander into a meeting, and continue drinking, having convinced themselves that "AA doesn't work".
One doesn't "get a sponsor", until he/she has been going to meetings, and has a sincere desire to stop drinking. There are people who would pick her up and take her to meetings, of course, but that has to be because she's ready. Finding a sponsor is something one does, after having been sober for a little while, usually. You don't just call for someone and "order a sponsor". | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/31/2008 10:56:44 AM | You cant change anything for her she can only do that for herself... the only decision you can make is if you stay with her and support her through treatment and beyond, which is a bumpy and rocky road full of relapses, lies, false promises, a life revolving around her drinking, that will impact on your finances, your sex life, your day to day thinking, a roller coaster of ...we are doing ok... to ... oh no not again. Its not the easiest choice but one only you can make.
The other choice of course is to walk away and try not think of what your rejection of her does to her already battered self-esteem and the ultimate increase in her drinking and whatever the impact will be on her life.
Sometimes friends will rebuke you for not taking the easier option, they will not understand that in some small way your solid presence can make a difference.
Ultimately the choice is yours, but make sure the choice is the right one for you not just the one you feel you should make because others dont agree with you.
Good Luck.. neither choice is easy.. take care | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/31/2008 3:19:57 PM | You are absolutely right!
I lived with a substance abuser a few years back.He completely destroyed my life.
A relationship I had after him, was a different type of substance abuser, and a narcicistic personality.
Yes...we start with our own issues.... | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/31/2008 3:42:44 PM | | Most people that are NPD/BPD/HPD are addicts of some sort. Mine was an alkie..his narcissism reared its ugly head in a more perverse form after he quit drinking. My son said he liked him better when he was drinking because at least some point he passed out and went to sleep...he shut down his trailor of manipulation and garbage. A very sad thing for a child to say about his father..however his father has never acted like a dad..everyone was always an extention of himself..He almost destroyed my life and continues to try and destroy theirs. They see a therapist that specializes in this to help them cope. You can't help a narcissist and you can't help an addict unless they want help to change it. | |
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| Dating an Alcoholic
Posted: 7/31/2008 3:48:55 PM | its a very tough situation this op...some of us have been there
I think you just need to continually support.... and easy on the cattle prodding and moral lecturing
i think 3 months isnt bad
if i felt this was the one..... 6month- year for me
everyone is different
i think you should give her a little longer
destructive types have to want to change and have to see it all on there own :( you can guide them a little bit | |
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