| engaged so soon?
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:33:12 PM | | LOLL, my sister sent me an article from the Delaware on Line about a woman who married eleven times. Her advice in the article was, “Make sure you know who your marrying”. Wooh, after reading that one, I thought about the ones I did not marry and was glad I went with my gut, when I decided to get to know them better. But that’s just been my luck. I do know one couple who married on their third month of dating and they are still married, three years thus far. I suppose it’s a coin toss. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 7/18/2008 12:15:33 AM | Interesting reads here! The thing about flash marriages seems to hold some truth, just the spark and knowing they are with the right person. I also dates a guy for four years, glad we never got married! But knowing a person through all the seasons seems right too!
The guy I'm dating now, I like where we are at now, and at other times I would love to move forward. Not sure if it's all the talk about engagements, me being anxious, but I guess I should just enjoy what we have now! That's why I wonder why the big rush in getting married? | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 7/18/2008 12:23:52 AM | | That kind of stuff really bothers me. It really seems like this whole pre-mature engagement thing is a new fad and all young people are doing it. I think this will pass with time and they will realize how stupid it is to get married just for the sake of getting married. It reminds me of the recent news about the highschool girls that were getting pregnant in Glouchester, MA just because of a pact that they had. Getting married and pregnant before the age of 20 needs to stop. These kids will never become anything and just end up being a drain on society and their parents. Also, what is up with all the young girls claiming that they are bi these days? I mean, yeah I think its hot if they actually were, but to me it just seems like they are pretending to be just to attract guys. Ehh, I don't even think I know what I'm talking about. Just rambling haha. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/8/2008 9:27:43 PM | | Significantly less than a year is too short. What's the hurry? I also don't get the fascination with wanting to live together first. I wish it weren't so damn trendy. Divorce stats are higher for people who lived together 1st. My ex wanted to move me in at about 8 months. I'm so happy I didn't. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/9/2008 12:12:35 AM | | i think that if you truely love someone and can get threw anything with them, then yeah a quick engagement would work. It worked when the question was asked, no one got freaked out and ran away. thats got to mean something right? i mean a friend of mine proposed to her boyfriend (yes SHE proposed to HIM) and he ran away with his tail between his legs. so if they didnt mean something to one another, wouldnt one of them run??? | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/9/2008 1:15:02 AM | | oh my, I think at LEAST a year before gettin engaged is okay. Less than that and I think it's just not likely to work, because you don't know eachother as well as you may think...A small minority I think can do that and be successful..but it's a good thing you are freaked out by that lol, no pressure on your man..and that's a good thing. I know this one guy who is super desperate wanted to date me and i wasn't interested, literally a week later he proposed to some other chick he knew for 3 months........??? I don't think a marriage will last long if you rush into things. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/9/2008 2:03:45 AM | There are several reasons the divorce rate is approaching 50%. Early engagement is a huge one.
It takes at least a year to get to know someone fairly well. To get engaged before that is to invite trouble.
Parts of your brain are still maturing into your 20's, I don't care what you think you feel, or know, to get married before your mid 20's is also inviting trouble. If you don't believe it ask people who are older. ALL of them have been 25, 30, and 35. They KNOW what it is like to be 25-35. People who are younger than 35 have no clue what it is like.
Analogy: If you wanted to drive across the Sahara Dessert; would you rather get information from someone who had driven across the Sahara Dessert; or from someone who had seen pictures in a book?
People will come up with beautiful stories of people who got engaged on their second date; raised 6 kids, and were married for 75yrs. The same people have an uncle Bob who smoked 6 packs a day from the time he was 4, and lived to be 98. Then there was the guy whoes parachute didn't open and he survived a 10,000 foot fall. I don't recommend it for recreation.
My personal rule of thumb is 1yr minimum. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/9/2008 3:31:49 AM |
As a general rule, people in this age group, grown and change with the wind (me included) and I'm happy she has found someone she "loves"...but come on...reality will slap her in the face, once day????
When she has one or two kids and he splits up with her, yeah, reality will slap her hard. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/9/2008 8:36:23 AM |
I also don't get the fascination with wanting to live together first. I wish it weren't so damn trendy.
It actually makes good sense. I know two situations where the woman didn't realize the man was an alcoholic because he'd save his drinking for when she went home or wasn't around.
There were a couple of fellows who tried to hustle me into engagements very fast - in both cases it turned out they had significant problems that made them bad marriage prospects. I figure they were trying to get me locked in before the truth came out. I'm extremely wary of any guy that tries to rush a relationship because of them and caution everyone else to be cautious, too - people with serious issues can keep them hidden for quite a while. If you live with someone who has some sort of problem or major flaw, you'll see it in time to avoid marrying the person.
I absolutely agree that one shouldn't make a decision to marry prior to a year passing. Besides the above, it's wise to mitigate for the possibility that your brain is addled with chemicals 
Anyway, if it's real love, what's the rush?
Divorce stats are higher for people who lived together 1st.
Sigh. Stats used by religious groups to push people to avoid living together before marriage. For starters, that you remain married does not mean you are happily married; in many cases it means you won't divorce because of your religion. The same people who believe they can't divorce because it's a sin also believe living together w/o being married is a sin - so of course people who are not prevented by their religious views from living together may do so and some of them may also divorce - again, because religion isn't stopping them. More importantly, there are no stats to indicate how many unsuited couples lived together, realized they shouldn't marry, and never married - thus preventing many divorces. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/9/2008 8:42:12 AM | I find that if you are young, and get engaged it can often and is usually for the wrong reasons, for instance I was engaged at the age of 17 after dating for mere months. Why? Because I had the ultra controlling boyfriend at the time... and no I did not notice it until later of course. We stayed engaged for a year and a half and were supposed to wed that following November when I ended it the August just months before as he was trying to keep me from furthering my post secondary education.
Some engagements are just simply for the wrong reasons. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/9/2008 8:44:44 AM | I think either it will work out or it won't. I got engaged in less than a year with my ex-wife, and that lasted about 14 years. I was engaged to my last LRT after about a year and a half. The engagement lasted 3 days (at which time she broke up with me for the first time, saying we had too many "problems"). We got back together, but it only lasted about 5 more months after that.
So it just depends. My ex-gf's best friend got engaged 3 weeks after she met her husband, and they are still together. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/9/2008 8:50:28 AM | There is no timeline to getting engaged and married. If it's right it's right regardless if you know the person a month of 4-5yrs. if they are hiding something from you, they hide it and the longer you wait, the more the relationship or engagement becomes a habit so why change?
My now ex husband told his best friend after our second date that he met the woman he was going to marry. Buddy told him ..you better not have had your beer goggles on and let me check her out first because he knew ex was dead serious. Ex then asked me to marry him after two months, which equated to about 5 dates since he was in the field for about a month, I told him ask me again at the 6 month mark, he did... we got married at the 9 month mark and were married for 14 years.
Before that I was engaged for 4yrs and lived with the guy for 1 year, when he asked me to marry him I ran for the hills. Why?? because in living together I saw things that I knew would not make our marriage work. My parents were dead set against anyone living together before this happened to me, afterwards....they encouraged my brothers to live with their g/f's first, my experience convinced them that this is not such a bad idea after all. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/9/2008 6:50:36 PM | | I dont see the point of getting engaged so soon... The divorce rate is already high enough. So Just get to guy better.. And take it slow.. Its always better that way! | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/9/2008 7:22:26 PM | I agree with the person that stated there is no hard or fast rule. It totally depends on the relationship between the two people involved. Their wants and needs being fulfilled. Whether they have the same goals and whether they have good communication skills within the relationship. Two people walking same path. My parents dated 3 years before marrying and that lasted over 30 years till my dad died. My mums friend married 2 months down the line of meeting someone and was married same length of time, well still is no one died.
Not many things last forever anymore. People give up to easy and that is whether couples have been together 2 mins or 10 years half the time. It takes effort. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/9/2008 7:35:18 PM | I know three women who got engaged within the 1st 6 months of meeting someone and then married them soon after. All three marriages turned out to be train wrecks.
Woman # 1---Hubbie became physically and mentally abusive. Also would not contribute to the household financially or care for his children.
Woman #2---Hubbie turned out to be a herion addict and cheated on her regularly.
Woman #3---The honeymoon pretty much ended on the honeymoon and the marriage was rocky for the next three years afterwards. He ends up abandoning her and their newborn and moves away to another country.
Each of the above-mentioned women have said if they knew the man they married better beforehand they would never have married him. They all thought he was "Mr. Wonderful" in the beginning.
Personally, I'd like to know just what I'm getting into before I decide to marry someone. I don't think it's possible to know enough about a person in just a few days or months of meeting them. The marriages I know of that have worked well and lasted over the years are ones where the couples had spent an average of two years in a relationship together before marrying. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/25/2008 10:59:20 AM | | I wouldn't apply a hard or fast rule. It all depends on the people, how old they are etc. A general good rule should be a year, and that is after getting to know their past, their families, etc. But short engagements do work. My wife and I got engaged 80 days after we first met. No sex before the marriage. Met the families and got married 6 months later. 32 years now and its better than ever. We've had our problems over the years but if you stick it out and learn to forgive and sacrifice some, its all worth it. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/25/2008 11:04:43 AM | I do not think it is too early to become engaged. One my dearest friends met her husband in a chat room of 13 or so years ago. They talked online, then on the phone-she left her state to go to his state and meet him, he proposed the next day and they have been together since and have a daughter and seem very, very happy.
I personally have done the long relationship thing. I would much prefer to fall in love and be ready for marriage quickly.
I do not think the length of the dating or engagement makes the work better or worse-it is both parties equal committment to the marriage that makes it work-whether the parties have known eachother 10 days or 10 years. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/25/2008 11:13:19 AM | its really depends on the person.. if you're willing to commit all the way.. be responsible and mature as much as you can then for sure it will work!
wow, thats sooo sweet though. .. that means they're head over heals for each other.. nice to see some man still haev feelings and still can commit ol=P | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/25/2008 11:23:09 AM | I always wonder if people think relationships that don't last very long 5-6 years of less, as successful. I don't. For me that meant I hung on as long as I could to something that wasn't working very well. A couple of years is still the honeymoon stage where you haven't really settled in yet to see if you still like each other's company when the excitements of the 'firsts' have passed, breaking up in that short of time means (to me) that there wasn't much of anything between the couple to even pretend it could be successful.
For me, not only does a successful relationship last a long time (hopefully forever) but the people are both happy to be in it and both are working toward it, for it, and not trashing it, or whining about the other person, etc. Just because someone is married for 50 years doesn't mean they are in a good relationship.
Back to your post, do I think it's typical, yes, and that's why I think so many people break up after jumping into marriage and sadly, usually bringing children into it, then totally bent out of shape about how the other person is not who they thought they were and tossing blame all over the place...then looking for the next available person to jump into a relationship with and doing it all over again. It's like, well Duh!, why did you think it would work out???
BTW, everyone can find some exceptions that worked out, but one, we don't know if they were good years together or just spent years together and two, the truly successful ones would have worked out either way, waiting wouldn't have hurt their relationship any. Resentful, bitter years spent with someone is not my idea of a good relationship. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/25/2008 12:01:11 PM |
Merrylass:
Sigh. Stats used by religious groups to push people to avoid living together before marriage.
While it may well be true that various groups cite various statistics that they happen to like, it doesn't make the statistics themselves any less valid. It IS a truth, that in pretty much all studies done over many years, divorce rates are higher for those who cohabited prior to marriage than for those who didn't. Its a truth whether you - or I - like it or not.
On the other hand, I chuckle at all the authoritative posts here from folks stating it as a fact that you should wait a year before betting engaged, with either no evidence at all or their own anecdotal evidence. It would be interesting to see the stats one poster mentioned about the success of "flash marriages" because on one hand I can see the logic, but also can see the potential downside. A quick check didn't turn up that study for me, unfortunately. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/25/2008 12:13:07 PM | I was on another forum and the question was asked "when did he propose?" Almost all the answers were less than a year! Some where the next day, 3 months, 7 months, and all were gloating how great everything was 2 -3 years down the road!
Is this typical?
Not typical. Not unusual either. Everyone has their threshold.
I was with my last ex for 2 years before we broke up. Then we got back together 2 months later. Were together another 2 years before I finally proposed. Spend next 2 years engaged. Then it broke off for good unfortunately, but that's how it goes.
So it took me 4 years to bring myself to propose, even having already gone through one breakup with her...it was worth the risk. For some, it's like 4 weeks or 4 days. I don't see what the rush is, especially if you don't even know the person. How can you really know someone within scant months?
To each their own though.
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/25/2008 3:54:03 PM | I met my man off of here and after 3 months (and for those 3 months he was at my place every day) we decided to rent a house together. It will be a year for us on September 7th and we just moved into the house we bought together and are hoping to be married within 2 years.
It worked for us we knew it was right, but it might not be right for everyone.
Edit: I was with my ex for 6 years and marriage was never a thought in my mind so I think it comes down to the people and how they feel anout the relationship.
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/25/2008 3:54:09 PM | My last proposal was 3 months after we met...
The marriage lasted 16 yrs...
The next time I won't say yes so quickly | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/25/2008 4:14:41 PM | | how apropo: he is proposing not to propose and i suppose you oppose. | |
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| engaged so soon?
Posted: 8/25/2008 4:26:26 PM | I can't even picture getting engaged to someone, or even seriously considering it, if we've been together less than a year. Then again, I have a friend who would get antsy if the guy she was with didn't start talking rings within a month of the first date. 
When my ex and I broke up after five and a half years, would you believe how many people thought it was because I wanted to get married and he didn't? If anything, it was the other way around! | |
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