|
|
|
|
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 8:09:35 AM | I don't want to get married again and I don't want to shack up with anybody at this point in my life. Who knows what's around the corner?
In a new relationship we always tread carefully and make our feelings and thoughts known. Thoughts can change however, and a person can change their mind after time.
If this guy has been married twice before then he has probably heard the "I'm a good woman with values" twice before.
Let this guy make his own decisions and don't try to change his way of thinking.....he will do that all by himself.
A month after dating is far too premature to even consider marriage with this man. | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 8:16:34 AM | Believe him.
He wants a friend with benefits and he is being very up front about it.
If you think he will change you are wrong. If you think some day he will want to marry you you are probably wrong.
I would suggest that if you really want to be married you should tell him that is you goal in dating. To find someone to be married to and since that is not his goal it is best to end it now.
If you don't want to end it be very clear that YOU will probably not get what you want, so be very clear with yourself about what you are willing to settle for....
Remember men are more direct then we often give them credit for..... women just don't believe what the say....... | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 8:59:47 AM | MSG#1,vanessa1966 Wrote:Since we have been dating, he has told me that he NEVER wants to have anyone live with him OR get married again but does want to find love and love again. He will love with more than one but never marry any.
MSG#1,vanessa1966 Wrote:I am a very good woman and would lOVE to be married again You and him do not have the same wants as far as in a long term goal.
MSG#1,vanessa1966 Wrote:so what would you guys do or think at this point? I think your setting yourself up for some MAJOR disapointment and heart ache. You might as well get the thought of something serious and long term with this guy out of your head. Your possibly not everything this guy is looking for but, you might have some or most of the qualities he seeks. If your looking for marrage you might as well look elsewhere. You can still be friends with him. If you try to pressure this guy into something serious take my word for it. You will be history in 15 minutes. You might as well continue serching. | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:02:17 AM | If an ex has that much hold over him, I'd call it a day.
He obviously has issues to deal with. Down the road he may change his mind, but do you want to spend years convincing him you won't be his next "ex cleaning lady?"
Nothing wrong with choosing to never live with someone or marry, as long as that decision is based on personal preference, not bitterness toward past relationships gone bad. | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:08:22 AM | ^^^ "Nothing wrong with choosing to never live with someone or marry, as long as that decision is based on personal preference, not bitterness toward past relationships gone bad."
Uhhhh, can you expound a little on this statement? Where else would one develop this preference having had failed relationships, if not from bitterness? Just curious.
~ds~ | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:11:06 AM | I don't ever wanna live with anyone or get married again.......I'm not bitter.
I just like doing my thing when I wanna do my thing. I LOVE living alone but I still want a relationship. I don't see why if your not planning to have kids you can't just live apart and have a better relationship IMO. I think it is way less hassle.
OP I say go with the flow and have fun. | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:13:45 AM | | Listen to what the man is saying. If just dating for the rest of your life is what you want then go ahead. But don't set yourself up for disapointment. As an adult he is very aware of what HE wants out of a relationship. He will be kind to you and happy to sleep with you but that is where it will end, no matter what. | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:23:02 AM | Msg. #33: "I don't ever wanna live with anyone or get married again.......I'm not bitter.
I just like doing my thing when I wanna do my thing. I LOVE living alone but I still want a relationship. I don't see why if your not planning to have kids you can't just live apart and have a better relationship IMO. I think it is way less hassle."
Why do you LOVE living alone as opposed to living with the person you wish to have the relationship with? You state you want to "do your thing," and it is "way less hassle." I take from that, that when you were in a live-with relationship, you were with someone controlling, smothering, or whatever. Something shaped your views of living with someone to be negative....a hassle. Therefore, you choose to avoid that in the future. Certainly your choice, but if you weren't 'bitter' about the negatives which influenced/shaped your current preference, you would not have changed your preference (IMO).
~ds~ | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:23:13 AM |
he has told me that he NEVER wants to have anyone live with him OR get married again but does want to find love and love again. So what does that mean if he never wants to be with anyone in the same house again permanently? I am a very good woman and would lOVE to be married again because I do know I am not like alot of other women out here that MAY treat a man bad. I am a good woman with values and I am also with who I am with, so what would you all do in the similar situation?....but I am glad he is being honest in the beginning BUT also feels like hes NOT giving me a chance either.
Ok so what did you say when he TOLD you that...if you agreed to it and keep seeing him then the relationship you have now with him is all you will have...if you said well I am looking to get remarried one day and he knows that then I would say yall have some serious talking to do.
If you think it was great he was honest with you...dont you think it would be great to have been honest back? You have him believing that for you it is acceptable to just continue dating and never get married etc....you state he isnt giving you a chance...he did ...he told you what he was interested i? So now you say you are a good woman going into a relationship wanting a different outcome..you are just going to add to his trust issues.
Be honest now, go tell him what you just told the rest of the world before you go on vacation, that you dont think you want a permanent boyfriend you will evenutally want more to be happy. He might surprise you and agree to try for more or he might back off and say no thanks...either way it is communication and will solve problems down the road. | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:25:00 AM | | I know people that are married and live in separate houses. I know couples that aren't married that live in the same house. Marriage or not married doesn't define where you live or how you live. I love the idea of having someone special in my life, someone that I can share and do things with, but the thought of him moving into my house isn't part of my dream. I know dreams change, but the important part of a relationship isn't where you are living, but how you are living. | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 10:21:43 AM | First things first... is the phrase "I need help here!" a cry for help or a demand for help?
Onto your questions:
So what does that mean if he never wants to be with anyone in the same house again permanently?
Exactly what it means. I think you want to know any implications as a result, and not what it means.
There are several implications, positive and negative. I'm not putting much thought into these, that is your job, but here are some to get you started:
If you live in separate houses and see each other casually, there is no pressure. Every time you meet it would be like another date. Also you have your personal space, and so does he. There will be no fights regarding the toilet seat. You can play loud music at night. You can keep the house dirty or clean - whatever you prefer. I think you get the train of thought.
On the negative side, when you live alone there will be no one around to give a hand in a moments notice. If you break your arm, perhaps because you fell down the stairs, you can't get immediate help. If you have disagreements, living in separate house, might not help you resolve them, especially if one or both of you is a bit stubborn. I think you know where this is going.
I am a good woman with values and I am also with who I am with, so what would you all do in the similar situation?
What are your options? Also I have to ask, how many bad people do you think admit they are bad?
....he called tonight and wants to go on a vacation with me....so what would you guys do or think at this point?
I'm not sure why you care about what I, or anyone else, thinks. What do you think? What are your values and desires? Who knows you better than you? You and you alone can answer those questions. | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 11:12:52 AM | Uhhhh, can you expound a little on this statement? Where else would one develop this preference having had failed relationships, if not from bitterness? Just curious
David, many people can share intimate feelings and enjoy sex with someone, but be at the point in life, where he/she doesn't want a 24/7 room mate. That's choosing not to want to share the "business" of a household with someone, or having to account for ones moment to moment activity.
Why do you LOVE living alone as opposed to living with the person you wish to have the relationship with? You state you want to "do your thing," and it is "way less hassle." I take from that, that when you were in a live-with relationship, you were with someone controlling, smothering, or whatever. Something shaped your views of living with someone to be negative....a hassle. Therefore, you choose to avoid that in the future. Certainly your choice, but if you weren't 'bitter' about the negatives which influenced/shaped your current preference, you would not have changed your preference
In essence, you're saying that if anyone prefers to live alone, there must be something "wrong"? Does it enter your mind that not everyone wants the same things? I posted earlier, that I don't want to have to remember to put the toilet seat down, and if I don't feel like making the bed, when I get up, I don't want someone feeling offended. I don't want to have to "plan meals together". Sometimes, I want to just eat junk food and watch a game on TV, without someone feeling slighted. If I want to throw my clothes on the floor, or not hang up my towel, I don't want someone feeling that I don't care about her feelings. When we haven't made plans, I want to be able to do what I want to do without consulting someone else.
I'm not at all "bitter", "angry", or afraid. I simply don't want to live with someone now. I was married for 20 years, and raised my daughters, and no one was treated unfairly when it ended. I just don't see the point of 24/7 now. Is that really hard to understand? | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 11:28:31 AM | | I'm sorry, but I have actually seen a relationship like this and the two are married now. Someone can make a different impression and the guy can see who or what type of person another woman is compared to last relationships, just go along with it. Since it has only been a month maybe later on down the road, he will see that you are different and may want to take that chance with you. I wouldn't rush or push him on anything though keep enjoying the time with him and see where it goes. | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 11:33:21 AM |
In essence, you're saying that if anyone prefers to live alone, there must be something "wrong"? Does it enter your mind that not everyone wants the same things? I posted earlier, that I don't want to have to remember to put the toilet seat down, and if I don't feel like making the bed, when I get up, I don't want someone feeling offended. I don't want to have to "plan meals together". Sometimes, I want to just eat junk food and watch a game on TV, without someone feeling slighted. If I want to throw my clothes on the floor, or not hang up my towel, I don't want someone feeling that I don't care about her feelings. When we haven't made plans, I want to be able to do what I want to do without consulting someone else.
i also sometimes get the "what do you mean you are happy by yourself??" from people............actually, somebody emailed me here at POF yesterday basically saying that i must have stopped looking because i had just given up and i shouldn't give up...........the implication being i couldn't POSSIBLY really mean it when i say i am "not looking," especially when the reason is because i am very happy; in fact, happier than i have ever been in my entire life..............if that is working, why "fix" it, and why do people assume i am either just exasperated or fooling myself???????
this is also the same thing that used to happen when i was in my 20s and 30s and i was married and the subject of children came up...........when i would express that i/we chose NOT to have children, people replied with everything from "you're young, you'll change your mind," to "what is wrong with you.....that's selfish"; some people just honestly think that if YOU don;' want what THEY or "MOST PEOPLE" seem to want, there is something abnormal about you..........what if i don't change my mind???does that make me abnormal??? certainly not
people in general really need to be taking care of there own business and affairs, and concerning themselves less with everybody else.........i have plenty to do in my own garden, i really don;t need to be weeding somebody else's
live and let live; be honest with yourself about what you want and need, and encourage the same from others you have relationships with; you can be firm in your beliefs while still respecting others and theirs.........you can even change your mind about things, but don't expect that from others .......you'll be disappointed, or it will backfire
its all about respect for yourself as well as others...........acceptance, not agreement | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 11:34:17 AM | | Do you really need a certificate and rings to have a proper relationship? If there is something there, why not just accept it how it is, unless you beliefs tell you otherwise. And even then you never know.. He may change his mind later on for the "right" person | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 11:42:27 AM |
Sounds to me like you are off to a good start Scruffy rule number uno..if it feels good do it.... go on the vacation respect his boundaries and have some fun if his long term options do not suit you be up front with him.
Hey wasn't that the same advice you gave on masterbations?
OP: Marraige is overrated, two people can be in love and don't need a ceremony and a piece of paper to know it. But I feel for you on the part of not moving in together, not sure how that is gonna work for you guys. To me, it only makes financial sense that once two people know they want to be together to move into one place and not have to have two households. | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 11:48:54 AM | Renaissance Man 1950...... A M E N !!!!!!!!
I think I'd rather have a FWB..that could last a lifetime..
Than live 24/7 with someone. Eventually one is always trying to change the other.. | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:08:17 PM | First of all, it is very soon to know what is going to happen. I understand his situation if he been married two time, that is enough. Go with him on vacation and enjoy life.
Only the time will tell.
Crystal | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:16:01 PM | I can relate to the views shared by the OP's new boyfriend, and many of the posters, too.
I'm very much a loner and I need some alone time in order to stay balanced. I've been out of relationships longer than in them, but I've been married before and I'm married now. I was very concerned about how I'd handle being married again, after having a taste of living solo for only a year and a half last time around, and especially since there's a posse of teenagers involved. :) It has nothing to do with any dysfunction on my part, or past baggage, it's more than I just need to be alone and don't always feel like being a part of things.
I chose to marry him for lots of reasons, but mostly that I couldn't imagine being without him. While I need alone time, I need him more. But there's a lot involved in merging families and sharing lives 24/7/365 and it ain't all pretty. I so often wanna run screamin for the hills in the worst of ways because sometimes, I just don't feel like "being a better person", or doing the right thing, or acting in the best interest of others, or even being responsible...I just wanna be left alone. This doesn't mean I'm not relationship material or that I can't commit to a partnership, or that I'm damaged, or that I don't truly love him; I most certainly do . It just means I have needs that have to be met or I die a little.
I decided I wanted the whole shebang because I want to fully explore loving him and being with him in a wide open kind of way, not a "good times only" way. But this other stuff is a part of me, too. I spend a lot of time in the bedroom regrouping in one way or the other, but it's balanced with spending all the rest of my time with him and just doing this life we've built. In fact, I don't even have to actually be away from him cause I really dig being with him, he can be right beside me, it's more that I just need to chill and not have any demands placed on me for a bit. It's difficult when the demands are riding me into the ground, but I make it work cause I want it to work. | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:21:33 PM | There is nothing wrong with what he wants, and nothing wrong with what you want,
down the road.
But you want two different things.
Alot of people choose to be in a long term relationship, without the living together/married as the ultimate goal.
This does not mean they will not be just as committed to the relationship they are in.
I personally would love to find a partner that understands this. To fall in love, and to love each other for the long term. Share their lives, but in separate residences.
And if it lasts forever, that would be even better.
If it doesnt , then a marriage is not going to insure that it does. Staying together , when it is over, is the worse thing to do.
But do not think you are going to go into it, and change his mind, there are no guarantees of this. You dont know what will happen, it has only been a month.
You may decide yourself along the way, that he is not , after all, someone you would want to marry. You may find you are not as compatible as you think you are now.
Take the time to get to know each other, or end it.
Do what you feel is right for yourself, but do not think you will change his mind,
on how he wants to live the rest of his life.
When you reach a certain age, often your needs and wants , change along the way. | |
|
| EXTREME CAUTION
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:57:41 PM | I got involved with a man who said that he'd had two live in girlfriends, he made detailed comments about how awful these women were - I was alarmed about this as I'd lived with a man who I'd shared the rent with only to discover he had owned the house with his ex to whom he was paying my rent and I worked out these relationships had coincided with cripplingly high interest rates in the UK (much like my relationship).
THIS GUY WAS BAD NEWS - we have a great relationship but anything else forget it and it's really hard to find someone else because I think you need to be feeling quite lonely to go through the pain - I FOUND HIM USING THIS SITE TO CONTACT OTHER WOMEN WHEN HE THOUGHT I WAS ASLEEP - HIS PROFILE IS HIDDEN BUT HE CAN STILL CONTACT WOMEN - IF A PROFILE IS HIDDEN AND THERE'S NO PHOTO BE WARY. Someone said with some men dating is like finding a great picnic spot, staying for a while but move on as there might be a better location around the corner.
I think my own profile should be hidden at the moment but I'm not messaging anyone, I want to rejoin with a better picture - I'm around the same age as the original poster and it's hard as hell to find someone. | |
|
| EXTREME CAUTION
Posted: 7/17/2008 4:09:58 PM | I don't know about the rest of y'all, but any lady who told me "I would never consider ..." after a month would be history for any long-term relationship. When two people build a long-term relationship, the fewer lines drawn right at the start, the better. The two should draw lines that work as they go along. Your gentleman's comments sound to me like the negative kind of baggage from the past that none of us really want to deal with.
Understand that I have no problem with a relationship where the two people live apart, nor do I have one where they live together 24/7/365 in a one-room cabin with a one-holer outhouse. It really ought to be what the two people choose together. | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 4:12:22 PM | vanessa
If this feels right to you, and to this man, then explore it....absolutely.
I didn't feel anything from your post that says this man is using you, or wants a friend with benefits as other's have (unnecessarily) said. They are talking from their own fears and experiences. Think for You.
I don't know, for you didn't say, how long it has been since his last marriage 'done him in', but, it sometimes takes a man a while to want to live with someone again.
And it has only been a month that you are seeing one another....that's just four little weeks...that is nothing. Nothing. in terms of time. Not nearly enough to predict the future with this man.
Are you open to alternative arrangements?, if he stays with his convictions of not living with someone.? That can mean many things. Down the Road. A couple of days at your house, a couple of days at his...with some time off here and there.
Of course, if you are nothing but 'attatched' to a traditional Marriage and household, then there will be a lot of convincing to do..and ultimately, it may just chase him off. Don't play that card....instead, let the love be the guide.
Two of my dearest friends Up North have been married longer than any of us..and they don't live in the same house. Yet, they are balanced, adjusted , and still in love. 31 years together...and still going strong. So who is to say what is the right approach.
Also, let me mention that it has taken me about 10 years out of marriage to be able to see that I would prefer to be with someone in a 'married' or somehow committed sense again. I'm not sure in what form...but that doesn't matter......all I am saying, is that in time, if you continue to love and respect one another...the details of how to make it work 'will appear'.
Trust this
best to you
Kimbo````````````````````````````````````````````````````` | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 4:24:15 PM | Mrvitamix... you are dead on!
I cannot figure out why any woman would settle for a "intimate" relationship with no future. Meaning.. he gets all the benefits of a relationship with no need to ever take the dreaded "commitment" step.
Sometimes a woman just wants sex. But... it is rare. He is looking for all the Comforts of Home without providing the home.
If the woman is smart..she will understand he really wants a 'friends with benefits'. If she doesn't want that.. then she should drop him now. He is being honest about what he wants. believe him... if it isn't what you want.. move on. BUT..do not be the benefit provider and think that it will mean he changes him mind later! | |
|
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 4:34:21 PM |
I cannot figure out why any woman would settle for a "intimate" relationship with no future. Meaning.. he gets all the benefits of a relationship with no need to ever take the dreaded "commitment" step
Not every woman views sexuality as a "transaction" that she uses as "leverage" to force a man to profess an interest in marriage. That paradigm started to fade out with the introduction of the pill in the 60s.
Many women are in touch with their own needs, and it's been my experience that a the higher the level of education, intelligence, and career success a woman has attained, the more likely it is that she will be completely comfortable with an intimate relationship that isn't necessarily pointed towards marriage.
In terms of those women, who continue to view sexuality as a "lever" of control, the "market" has changed. Sexual relationships are not difficult to find. In fact, in my experience, most women expect sex to be part of, and a major reason, to date in the first place, if there is mutual attraction. | |
|
|
|
Home
login 
