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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 4:58:44 PM | He is looking for all the Comforts of Home without providing the home. 
Hmmm since I did provide all the comforts of home and the home, I learned something. Perhaps this man did also. Perhaps he learned that he wants to share everything with another woman but his home. Well, that is what I learned. 3 years of legal battle with a pre-nup and the ex still tried to get a piece of my house!
If ya don't move them in, you don't have to worry about it.
yeah, jmo | |
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larue2
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Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 52 | |
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:25:24 PM | Renaissance Man 1950, You hit the nail on the head! However, even if we are into the 21st.Century, our sociological evolution remains behind the times. It is sad to see how the species still associate in terms of their parents ideology and sociology, indeed, why wouldn't they? We are all still in a state of evolution and it does take a few generations before our mindset changes. Excuse me, Ren.Man, I didn't include you in that generalistic point of view, since you, indeed, have evolved light years ahead of most of us. (meant in the best of complimentary language)
Larue2 | |
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larue2
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Joined: 5/15/2008
Msg: 53 | |
| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:27:55 PM | just em---you are so right, if you don't move 'em in, you don't have to move 'em out! either in your heart, mind or house! especially the house.....that may get to a big prolem!.
Larue2
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:30:14 PM | | a lot of people I know, including men and women, that have been married before...especially twice....do not want to do it again. I would not take it personally. I likes you and wants to spend time with you. Accept that as the gift it is and enjoy your time. Who knows how long it will last...maybe a lifetime. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 6:30:50 PM | It's not going to work. If two people have different expectations, wants, needs, in the end, the differences will be too much. You will start resenting him because he can not fill your needs of marriage or living together. He will resent you because he knows he can not give you what you want or need or because you will eventually start to push for what you want.
People have been known to change. But in my experience, and my most recent experience, we wanted different things. You need to have similar interests and goals, or in the long run - the relationship just won't work out. Save yourself a lot of heart ache and decide now whether you want to chance it, and hope that one day he will change his mind - or just enjoy the time you have together for what you have now, knowing that you may never get what you really want from this man. Or call it quits all together. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 7:06:49 PM |
It is sad to see how the species still associate in terms of their parents ideology and sociology, indeed, why wouldn't they? We are all still in a state of evolution and it does take a few generations before our mindset changes.
Honestly, my experience is that the stereotypes continue, while the reality of experience doesn't. In my experience as an adult, sex has never been a point of contention.
I've read a lot of women writing and saying in public that they want sex, only if it's part of a "committed relationship", but in my experience, if there is chemistry it happens through mutual desire, as a natural consequence.
I suppose that need to "say the right thing" in public is what you're referring to as the lag time in the evolution of mindset, that need to present an "image" of conforming to the "good girl" expectation of the 50s. The reality of "liberation" beginnning in the 60s, though, has been for women to acknowledge the perfectly normal human need for sexuality.
That being said, people have varying sex drives, and it's a more urgent need for some than others, and people "date" for different reasons. That gets us back to the point of the OP, which is that serenity and happiness in dating depends on dating someone with a compatible view of what he/she wants from a relationship.
The OP isn't "wrong" to want marriage, but the man she refers to isn't a "jerk", because he doesn't. They simply want different things, and each would be better off finding someone with the same goals and viewpoint. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 7:18:04 PM | You know that saying... you can cook a lobster in a pan without the lobster even knowing it if you just turned up the heat very slowly?
I think the same will work for you on him! Yeah... just bring something from your house eveytime you see him at his and cleverly leave it behind. Then after a few years, you'll be all moved in and he won't even be the wiser! | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 7:22:07 PM | Okay, well this thread has taken so many twists and turns, that I am going to go back to the OP and respond.
OP: "He also told me that he has been married twice before and the last marriage done him in , because of the financial part and just the usual part of not being able to trust anyone. Since we have been dating, he has told me that he NEVER wants to have anyone live with him OR get married again but does want to find love and love again. So what does that mean if he never wants to be with anyone in the same house again permanently? I am a very good woman and would lOVE to be married again because I do know I am not like alot of other women out here that MAY treat a man bad."
The OP states what HE said his views and plans are for HIS future. What HE will or will not agree to in a relationship. She then explains what HER goals are. The two conflict, but she is confident with her personality, treatment of men, being different than a lot of women....that she can hold out hope to change his mind. Make him conform to her viewpoint. She may, or she may not....only time will tell.
The interesting part about this which I noticed, was if you go back and read the first dozen or so posts....people said it would not work....people said it could work, or go for it, or whatever. In the OP's responses to those first few posts, she ONLY replied to a couple which supported her outlook....that maybe she can change his mind someday. Totally ignored, or least did not respond to, the posts which were stating essentially, "you two are on opposite ends of the rainbow."
Msg. #29 Diadora: “Remember men are more direct then we often give them credit for..... women just don't believe what the say...”
I'm not convinced that OP doesn't believe what he said. Rather, I don't think she ever "heard" what he said. Just as she ignored the negative posts, she has ignored what he says he wants for a relationship. Active listening....repeating statements....comprehension and understanding. Out the window, because "I'm not like other women....I'm better....I'll treat you right, unlike them." Not saying she wouldn't....not the point. The point is, a total disregard for what he IS saying. Ulterior motives.
Fast forward a few weeks. They get back from their vacation. Everything was great. Romantic. Bonding. Togetherness. Unforgettable. Now what? More than likely, another discussion about the future....them.
Him: I feel more strongly for you than any woman in my life.
Her: Me too.
Him: I think I might be falling in love with you.
Her: Me too. Where to we go from here?
Him: Where do we go? We're already there. Why ruin a good thing.
Her: Well, I told you early on, that I would "LOVE" to get married again someday.
Him: Well, I told you early on, I didn't.
Her: So all of this was for nothing? I can't believe you. What are you afraid of?
Him: Ruining a good thing.
A preventable conversation if both parties were listening to the other before even agreeing to go on vacation together.
But, that's JMO.
~ds~ | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 7:23:02 PM | give it time..u've only been going out a month or so..we all put a wall up...if u 2 are still dating 1-2 years from now..i doubt he will use the 'never' word..in that context..
You dont mention it..but have u had sex with this dude yet..if not..then the vacation thingy is definitely going to seal the deal..lol.. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 7:45:10 PM | Hey there,
If you really like this guy, I would say to give it maybe 3 months or so and then evaluate it. A bit more time to really know what YOU feel, and not just him. If things seem to be going well and you're getting closer after a little more time together, there's no reason why you shouldn't bring up the subject again, and ask if he still thinks or feels that way. If he still sticks to his statement, you will know that you gave it a shot but didn't spend a huge amount of time invested either.
Feelings can change and it's easy and safe to put up walls. Maybe he isn't ready to commit again right now. Or maybe he just doesn't want to. Either way, I'd say if you don't mind giving it a couple more months and see where it takes you, it's worth a shot. And if it doesn't work, move on to someone who truly will value your presence.
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 8:10:20 PM | ^^^OR, maybe, just maybe....after a couple months, and things are progressing, HE might bring it up. And verify things are still the way HE envisioned it. And if they are not....she still insists on marriage and it her way....he was honest from the beginning and gave it HIS best shot. And he doesn't have a huge amount of time invested. And if it doesn't work, he can move on to someone who truly values HIS presence.
~ds~ | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 8:19:52 PM | | DS, I agree with you..it is sad that people try and communicate and the other party then posts wanting others to convince them that what the person said and what they meant are two different things. The worst part is she is insecure and it will keep coming up and he wont understand it cause he was honest from the start and she will make him feel he was right to start with and look at it as he was lucky he didnt marry her cause look how she changed and became so bitter at the end. All it would take now is for HER to be honest and tell him now that she wants someone who would eventually want a marriage if that is what she wants. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 8:28:03 PM | Well maybe who knows Scruffy---we may keep dating and get along and maybe on down the line-he may change his mind about me or us---thanks for the advice!
I dunno vanessa.. Do what you want but if you really want to marry again.. maybe you should not expect much from this guy and continue to date other men who will be more inclined to marry.
I think we discussed this in another thread but I have learned that a lot of men if they have been married multiple times fear remarriage becasue of the reasons that he listed.
I honestly think that there are ways to guard against being financially devestated again by divorce but he isn't inclined to think that way.
So I think you need to ask yourself this question... if you invest in a relationship with this man.. will you be hurt if he doesn't change his mind?".. If the answer is yes.. I think you need to think twice about continuing on an intimate level.
And I'd like to go on record as saying this.. "changes his mind about me".. it isn't about you hon it is about him.. you can be the most perfect woman in the world for him but if he does not want to re-marry he won't.
Oh.. and BTW.. yall are the greatest such great advice here!!! | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 8:59:55 PM | | I waited a year...he said in the beginning he didn't want to get married, I said that was okay. He said he wanted to build his house - I thought, okay maybe he will change his mind. A year later, I pretty much gave up waiting and we realized we had different wants and needs....it doesn't always work out. | |
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| Sounds like GoneSailinBabe needs the real help!
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:29:56 PM | [People formulate who they are and how they are by 5.]
So, we figure out who we are by 5? I doubt that sincerely. Where did you get that gem of info from - Oprah Winfrey or The View? I call BS on that one. javascript:smilie('')
[From there on the likelihood of truly altering them goes down hill. Sad, yet true]
Also not true, nor would anyone over the age of 5 believe that. Just as all dogs are not the same, nor do they have the same temperament, people are very different from one another also. We, as human beings, have the capacity to learn, evolve and grow as we get older. It's called maturing and developing as human beings! If a person truly wants to make changes in themselves, all it takes is the resolve and will to do so.
What a cynical view you have of people and their ability to become more than than the sum of their parts. To believe that a person's personality is set in stone at age 5, or that "all men (or women) are the same" is ludicrous to say the least.
Turn off the TV, put down that glamour magazine and read a real book sometime. Or even better, take a class on sociology at your local community college. You could definitely stand to gain some real knowledge, not more pop culture psycho-babble. javascript:smilie(' ') | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:39:26 PM | | I recently met a guy, and he said he promised his daughter, (adult), that he would never remarry. And I decided not to see him again. I don't know that I ever want to get married again, but I had two problems with it. One, my adult children don't tell me what to do, two, what if I change my mind one day, and want to get married? Then there's that promise to the daughter standing in the way. But my point is, he told me he would never remarry, and I believed him, don't want to try to change someones mind. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 9:54:30 PM | | Hey hun this isn't rocket science OK sweetheart, HE said never again live with or marry YOU said I want someone to live ith and marry, if A guy told you that he meant it. so now its solely up to you are you willing to go by what he says or not if the anwser is no then find someone else..........DUH | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 10:10:20 PM | Why do you LOVE living alone as opposed to living with the person you wish to have the relationship with? You state you want to "do your thing," and it is "way less hassle." I take from that, that when you were in a live-with relationship, you were with someone controlling, smothering, or whatever. Something shaped your views of living with someone to be negative....a hassle. Therefore, you choose to avoid that in the future. Certainly your choice, but if you weren't 'bitter' about the negatives which influenced/shaped your current preference, you would not have changed your preference (IMO).
I lived with a guy for 7 years, married another guy for 11 years, lived alone(with my kid) 5 years now. I'm way over the 'Suzyhomemaker' thing. I'm very happy living alone, not bitter at all. I tried it twice and have to say I like where I'm at now, the best. My views might of been shaped from these experiences but that doesn't mean I'm Bitter, it means I know what I want now!
As for the hassle thing, well, When you move in with anyone, even a roommate, it's an adjustment, an adjustment I just dont feel like making anymore. I like having the whole closet, all the bed, sleeping with the fan blowing on me all the time etc.......I don't wanna share anymore :)
Someday this quote thing will work for me hopefully! Arghhhh!!!
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 10:49:17 PM | | I have to agree with upstate gal and guys4theforum, that you are setting yourself up for disappointment, at least at this time. According to "Mars and Venus on a Date" by John Gray, guys are more about what they're ready for at what time, and he (J Gray) would probably tell you not to be intimate with him at this stage - be friends, date, let him be uncertain, stay positive and check him out later. I've heard people say the same thing as your friend and changed their mind later either due to a different person, or due to a different time. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/17/2008 11:07:48 PM | | it means exactly what he says. i feel exactly the same way. i love the idea of romance and all of that, but i do not want to share houses, finances, or the day-to-day get-on-your-nerve type things which accompany long-term relationships. i like to come and go as i please without answering to someone else, but that doesn't mean i don't want a monogamous, loving, thrilling relationship. i absolutely will not put up with someone looking for only sex. nope, we must be mutually in love and it must be exclusive. it must also be very deep and meaningful for both of us, but i simply cannot share a living space nor do i want to live up to anyone else's expectations (i have my own expectations for myself and i don't want any interference with that.) | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/20/2008 12:24:45 AM | Geez ds, the op was the one asking the advice, not the guy, so I was directing my opinion towards her, in her interests. Of course it's a 2-way street, I wasn't implying it was only up to her.  | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/20/2008 5:34:30 AM | | This minute, he could say NEVER move in and NEVER get married. However, people tend to change as time passes, the relationship goes on for a period of time, trust grows. It just takes time. One month is not enough time for him to suddenly have a change of attitude or heart. Enjoy your time together. Worry about his NEVER wanting to be married when you hit the 2-year or 5-year anniversary, not one month. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/20/2008 5:53:27 AM | | JUST my opinion...which is worth as much as you paid for it...but it looks to me as if you're taking something about him, and making it something about you. It doesn't matter how nice a person you are, this man just doesn't want to cohabitate, period. It's not about you, it's about HIS choices. If it's really that important to you that you be guaranteed a life in which you will marry, or live with, your partner, you might want to have a good, honest discussion about this with him. And then, it's up to you to decide whether you want to invest more time in the relationship, knowing that it might turn out to be a "dead end" (in your eyes, since your ultimate goal is to get married). Just don't make a goal of trying to change his mind or way of thinking. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/20/2008 6:14:01 AM | | I think you should ask yourself if you can accept him for the rest of your lives in that type of living arrangment? If it is yes then go forward if it's no your setting yourself up for a big dissapointment. It's just as important to know what you want and don't want. He said NEVER. If you can live with accepting his big NEVER and you CHANGE his mind then it all the power to you both. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/20/2008 8:26:59 AM | OP, have you told him your viewpoint????and what you stated in the original post about your feelings on marriage and co-habitation???
maybe I missed in in the turns and twists of the post, however.
If he felt comfortable enough with you to make the statements as such, could you not have entered your thoughts into the conversation.
IMO, if he stated that from the beginning and you choose to continue in the relationship with the hope of "changing his mind", you are setting yourself up for a fall, especially without telling him your side.
Could be.... he is hurt from the previous situations and making statements he feels could deter from that situation. I think most everyone at a time has said something along those lines, depending on the time frame after break-ups etc.
If you have made your feelings known and discussed it, maybe he might soften a little and if not then you know that you were both honest and maybe remain friends.
Good Luck. | |
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