| I need help here!
Posted: 7/20/2008 8:51:42 AM | we may keep dating and get along and maybe on down the line-he may change his mind about me or us
OP, I sincerely hope you do not stay in this relationship with that agenda in your heart. In my experience, when a man says what he told you, he means it. If you convince yourself you can change his mind with your love, or that he'll see how wonderful you are and feel differently....I think you are setting yourself up for a painful fall.
I dated a man in my 20's who told me early on that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I knew better though...I knew all he needed was time and my love. mm hmm
Well, we spent three years breaking up, reconciling, and breaking up again (always with him leaving me). The only times he ever said he loved me where when we were officially broken up. He also spent the entire three years saying what he'd told me in the beginning that I was too foolish to accept as truth ~ that he wasn't ready for a relationship. So I finally chose to get off that roller coaster ride and I ended the relationship. A few years later, he got married. So whether he wasn't ready for a relationship at all or just with me didn't really matter. The outcome was the same.
I hope you'll be smarter than I was. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/20/2008 12:49:26 PM | OP,
He either means what he says or he's making excuses because you're not "the one." In either case, you either have to accept it or move on. Don't waste months or years hoping he'll come around...it's theoretically possible, but highly improbable. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/20/2008 1:05:34 PM |
NEVER wants to have anyone live with him OR get married again but does want to find love and love again.
You don't have to live with someone to love them. If you can't handle being in love with someone you can't live with, then break it off before you possibly fall in love with him.
Marriages don't work out for a number of reasons, so your comment
I do know I am not like alot of other women out here that MAY treat a man bad. I am a good woman with values and I am also with doesn't hold water. I know that I am a good woman. I know that there are zillions of good women and men that had marriages that fell apart. Not wanting to go through living with someone and their trying to take your things even with a pre-nup can really sour you on wanting to live with anyone. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/20/2008 1:13:21 PM | IMO, people move way too fast to where the relationship might 'end up' than actually enjoying the relationship 'in the moment'. After one month how can you decide if this relationship will end up in a marriage or not. I was seeing my ex-bf for 5 months and things were great. At that point my friends were asking me if 'marriage' was in the future....how the hell do I know. I'm still learning new things about him and I hadn't even met his family yet. Some people think that if you start seeing someone that it has to end in marriage. The whole thing about dating is learning to see if your compatable. Live in the moment without thinking where this is going to end up.
I don't know when the 'appropriate' amount of time for me is to think about where the relationship is going to end (obviously because I'm here on POF) but for me it would be longer than one month. My ex-bf moved further away and we ended things as friends.
I say go on vacation and then re-evaluate further on down the road. Enjoy getting to know each other right now. JMO | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/20/2008 3:48:01 PM | OP, I sincerely hope you do not stay in this relationship with that agenda in your heart. In my experience, when a man says what he told you, he means it. If you convince yourself you can change his mind with your love, or that he'll see how wonderful you are and feel differently....I think you are setting yourself up for a painful fall.
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OP Classyfied stated it perfectly. If you continue with the thought that you'll change his mind, not only will you get hurt in the end, it's really not fair to him. Be thankful he has been honest and upfront from the getgo so that you don't waste your time with the wrong man. And this is why so many men (with good reason) complain about women wanting to change them. We can only change ourselves. Good luck. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/20/2008 5:52:21 PM | I guess I am the odd one here, because I am only looking for a long term ,committed ,monogamous relationship that does NOT include marriage or a living together situation . I own my own home , have gotten a bit set in my ways, and I like my space . It does not mean I can not love and commit to a man ,because I can ,but I just choose not to marry or live with a man again . He can come stay over and my house and I can go stay over at his house , it's all good .
OP It sounds to me the type of relationship I mentioned above is what he is looking for too . If you are hoping to "change " his mind ,it will end up making him run for the hills and you will end up hurt ,resentful , and upset that you vested so much time into something that just wasn't gonna happen anyway . | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/21/2008 6:13:29 AM |
IMO, people move way too fast to where the relationship might 'end up' than actually enjoying the relationship 'in the moment'. After one month how can you decide if this relationship will end up in a marriage or not. I was seeing my ex-bf for 5 months and things were great. At that point my friends were asking me if 'marriage' was in the future....how the hell do I know. I'm still learning new things about him and I hadn't even met his family yet. Some people think that if you start seeing someone that it has to end in marriage. The whole thing about dating is learning to see if your compatable. Live in the moment without thinking where this is going to end up
The problem with this is, SHE wants marriage, HE does not. The lines have been drawn. I see 2 people getting hurt in this situation. If she continues, hoping, he will change his mind, and doesn't let him know that is her intention, he will end up getting hurt too, he'll think he's in a relationship that he wants, where as he won't be. Nothing like finding out you are not in the relationship you thought you were in. And if he doesn't change his mind, she will be hurt, because she thinks he will love her enough to change his mind, sometimes that does happen, but when it's so clearly stated, probably not. It's clearly your call, but I would not set myself up to be hurt, and I wouldn't want to hurt him either.
I see why so many relationships fail though. It seems like people think if they meet someone they want, they can change the circumstances to their advantage, whether it's what the other person wants or not. Personally I don't want someone that I feel like I'm going to have to change, in order to be happy with them. I think you will find yourself in another failed relationship. JMO
But, good luck in whatever choice you make. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 7/23/2008 1:33:46 PM | Well the OP may not be back . . . but the theme “I need help” for some will continue . . .
I’m starting to notice that majority of the women in these forums will say I want this or that . . . . but yet she does not stand firm in her decision . . . as if her needds/wants are not NOT clear to her . . . .therefore, her decisions bend/change.
Now with men, for the most part, it seems they say something and mean exactly what they said . . . as if his needs/wants are very clear to him . . . .therefore, his decision is not expected to change.
So with these women that DO NOT stand firm in their needs/wants . . . .their REALITY is the a man will change his mind later . . . after all . . .she did?
I for one . . . when I say I have no desires to get married . . .I have no desire to shack-up with anyone . . . .I am saying I have NO DESIRE to hear on a daily or monthly basis . . . or even twice a year . . . WHY I should change my mind . . . it means respect my decision . . .it means . . . if and when I am ready . . .if I am ever get to the point of being ready . . . . ."I" . . . as in "ME" . . . will be the first one to approach the subject . . . .
Any person that does not RESPECT my decision . . . IMO, it is a RED FLAG for obvious reasons.
To EACH their own . . .
~Myth~ | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 8/19/2008 7:23:26 AM | Well....
all I can say is that I believe the morals of the past are the only ones that make sense in a civilized society.
Why do you think we have an explosion of out-of-wedlock babies?
Once men could get sex without commitment... the commitment went the way of the Edsel.
You call it a transaction? YOU BET!
Look at poverty in this country.... 2/3 are single women with babies are below the poverty line! DUH 3 out of every 5 kids live in poverty! DUH
Look at poverty in this country.. single women over the age of 65 make up the majority of the poor elderly. DUH
The woman who is trading in her sexuality for a life of poverty is a fool, and will live to regret it. Even the women with good paying jobs will find the burden of single parenthood to be a major financial burden... plus... hurt their career changes for advancement. It is very typical to be passed over because of all the time off from work to deal with child related issues. I know too many women who have had a hard time keeping their good paying jobs because of all the "personal" time off for the kids. (sick, out of school, appointments with dentist, doc, etc).
My hats off to all the women out there who are NOT buying into the idea that "free love" is the way to live your life. Love...oh yes... but... love in a committed relationship.
If he isn't going to be in a committed relationship with the lady, FIRST ...then she needs to keep it to herself and move on to find the man who loves her for a life long companion.
Even though men talk about the burden of child support payments... it doesn't begin to cover the real cost of raising a child. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 8/19/2008 8:41:47 AM | Blueeyez point is irrefutable. There will be other times when OP will need truth/assurance/answers about her man, and this is not the place to solve the puzzles. I married a girl from the Bronx, jewish, thinking that because she was as different from me as I could find, we would never run out of things to talk about. WRONG!! She just poured her heart out to her shrink (she'd had a counselor from the time she was 16, which, in NYC, remains chic to this day). It ended badly.
You know, Alfred Tennyson advised that a man should avoid all contact with women and children until he finishes his noon meal. Not willing to forego love in the morning, but his accomplishments are noteworthy. Is it true that sex weakens a man's knees? | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 8/19/2008 10:41:57 AM | | There are many many people out there who have great relationships but still have their own spaces. It is a comfort/security thing. Nothing wrong with that. I have a very good friend who had his girlfriend move in with him and after a while neither thought it had been a good idea. She kept her own place and eventually moved back. They are still dating and very happy together. Some people are just suited better living apart. Married or not married, if you love someone that is really all that matters. Don't fret about the living arrangements or lack of marital bliss. I always say" If it ain't broke don't fix it". In other words if you are happy with the guy enjoy it. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 8/19/2008 3:56:43 PM | Nobody likes me,
everybody hates me,
I guess I'll go eat worms.
The 1st one was easy,
the second one was greezy,
the 3rd one wiggled right down....
Patrick | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 8/19/2008 4:31:04 PM | vanessa, I guess you have to decide what you want. If you are happy with the state of affairs continuing indefinitely, enjoy! If you want your relationship to eventually lead to marriage, you need to indicate that to him. Give him the opportunity to mull it over. If you WANT marriage and he does NOT, you're going to have hurt in the future.
Nutt | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 8/19/2008 4:37:08 PM | OP, I am basing my answer to you upon several other threads including one on why men are reluctant to commit.
It sounds to me like he has made up his mind.. that he does not want anyone living with him and he does not want to remarry.
Trust me it is nothing against you he made up his mind long before he knew you and his decision is based upon the pain he has felt.. bottom line he doesn't want to be that exposed again. And I promise you.. you won't be able to love him enough out of that decision because it is much based on him being male as anything can be.
I don't think he will change his mind.. most of the time when a man says no it is no forever.. we women tend to change our minds from time to time..
So you are going to have to decide what you want.. because I don't think you can have him and have remarriage.. You will have to probably choose what you want more..him or a remarriage.
I myself am faced with a similar delima.. having begun to see a man casually who I am quite fond of who has declared that he is not interested in remarriage.
If I can find that thread on why men don't want to committ I'll post it to you... it was very enlightening. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 8/19/2008 4:50:33 PM | | Don't keep dating him thinking that you are going to *change* him. It isn't going to happen. Even if he did decide to live together with you, later on down the line he'd blame every little disagreement you two have on your pushing him to live together. You're setting yourself for failure if you attempt to change him. You'll both be miserable. If you're intent on getting married, then move on. Otherwise, enjoy what you have with him now. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 8/19/2008 5:26:01 PM | Hopefully you're on vacation with him now, or recently returned and not having checked this forum ... yet.
I must admit, I am a bit conflicted because I can't honestly disagree with any post folks have made because each have their own merit.
Here are my humbly opinions:) :
1) When a guy says *never* it means *never*
Well, as a guy, that isn't true .... never means "I can't see it for me right now, or in the foreseeable(sp?) future ". Caviat: I will never jump off a cliff to my death. There are other numerous examples of acts I will never commit, but my example is in the scope of your post.
2) When a woman says *never* it means *never*.
See above
3) It had only been a month ... now if its still going, 2; how are you feeling about it?
4) I wholeheartedly agree with all posts that infer that entering into a relationship in the hopes of changing someone's mind or heart is a bad idea. However, he set your expectations early ... if you are happy in his company then you must judge your feelings for him versus your ultimate desire of being married again. This has nothing to due with your value system. It has to do with your happiness. If you are happy - right now - then BE happy right now. If that changes, you have to first be honest to yourself ... only then will you know whether or not you will want to continue this relationship / friendship.
At the end of the day please realize that your being happy should be the most important thing (yes, we as humans are allowed to be selfish - especially if we're looking to devote our lives to another at some point, or again - we have to be happy with that decision).
All of the perspectives offered on this thread (including mine, I hope) do have merit - realize too - that they are all based on our own wishes/experiences/hurt/loves/losses.
I hope my ambiguity has highlighted the fact that the future is never certain ... and that living in the *now* does have its rewards, just as hopes for the *future* does.
Best of luck!
NNTR | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 8/19/2008 5:41:10 PM | OP: You have to ask yourself; "Do I want a life partner?" OR "Do I want a relationship that will lead to marriage?"
All relationships do not lead into marriage. Nor do all want marriage. Heck, at this point in my life I would be content/thrilled to find a partner that will complement me and vice versa.
Best,
 | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 8/19/2008 6:45:25 PM | I see this in a whole different way although my situation is not the same!
My GF died and there will never be anyone like her as it took me a long time to find her,after I started dating again I couldn't believe the type of women that are out there to the point I stopped and I've come to terms with the fact I'll probably be living alone for some time...at this point I have no interest to live with anyone else and that most likely won't change ...having said this that doesn't rule out long-term friendships or being great companions with someone and the only time this will ever change is if truly someone special comes by.
So,I see absolutely nothing wrong in what this man is doing after only such a short time of dating unless you're leaving out vital information...I actually believe you should thank him...he's honest with you...you guys get along well and he treats you fine...you think highly of him...he put his cards on the table and he's willing to share things...therefore why push it so soon or drive him away unless you're desperate to live together or seeking to get married in a flash.
My opinion:
Set ground rules that you can both agree on...open up the doors of communication where you're actually talking to one another and making progress...go on the vacation if it feels appropriate and finally after all the discussions make a choice wisely as to what you want for the future...if you both agree on something obviously you'll stay together for a purpose...if not then you'll both have to move on to find what you're seeking. | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 8/19/2008 7:29:24 PM | I have not much experience in dating as im starting. But i can tell you this, the main reason men dont want to commit most of the time to a relationship is their fear of failure (ego). Sometimes its different reasons. Its also about control issues. Men seems to want to control what they will or will not do in the future. I go with now and the flow. Im not sure i will remarry, but im not ruling out on living with someone down the line.
Ive had an abusive ex husband that controlled me and as of now , after 3 years of being separated, im still waiting for my divorce to go through. With this, i had 5 kids to take care of and although they were not babies, they still had needs and i provided for them.
Im now in a good place , ive managed to buy a house and I am successfull in what i do. Marriage is a lousy piece of paper.
Do i want a live in or marriage now? Hell no. But after meeting a guy on POF last year (hang out) and by the way i did not know what that meant, I stupidly fell in love with him without knowing if this love would come back to me. He did not even want a monogamous relationship. I am ready for more and i want more. When he told me he wanted to remain free and i told him i wanted monogamy, we split. There is no chance of finding common ground here. (monogamy vs freedom)
Your guy if im reading between the lines, has been burt financially with his last relationship. He may or may not change his mind and you must be willing to accept that it will go either way. Good part for you is, he was upfront but please communicate. Tell him what you want. Dont let him assume you want the same thing. You must stand up for what you want and believe to be good for you. Who knows , you guys might be able to compromise.
One thing , one month is a bit premature to be even talking about long term goals. Give yourself a few months and re-evaluate.
But for now, live for the NOW moments as we sometimes miss that part. The past is gone and the future is not here yet. Go on the trip, have fun and enjoy yourself.
Good luck ;) | |
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| I need help here!
Posted: 8/19/2008 7:50:28 PM | I have not read through all the pages.
I just wonder WHY do people even THINK about marriage after only a month of meeting someone? 
Sit back, chill out, enjoy life, see where it goes.. without all the pressure. | |
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