| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/23/2008 9:06:44 AM | A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for a toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her he can't give her one because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES
PINCH MY NIPPLES
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!
The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager.
In front of a growing crowd of customers.
The manager comes to the woman and asks "Ma'am what's wrong?"
She explains the problem with the toaster. and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws up her arms and screams,
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!
Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd.
In shock the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?
'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE
MY NIPPLES PINCHED
WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!
The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!
 Hey where's the local WalMart!!
C.W. | |
|
| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/23/2008 11:16:36 PM | Frozen Skunk
A man and his wife were driving home one very
Cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road,
and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband,
'It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm,
And let it go in the morning?'
He says, 'OK, get in the car with it.'
The wife says, 'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'
He says, 'Put it between your legs.
It's nice and warm there.'
'But what about the smell?' said the wife.
He says, 'Just hold the skunk's nose.'
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with....died at the scene | |
|
| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/23/2008 11:30:27 PM | LMAO@both of your guys' jokes ^^^^!
Subject: Raise
>
> The day the Penis asked HeR for a raise
>
> I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
>
> I do physical labor.
> I work at great depths.
> I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
> I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
> I work in a damp environment.
> I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
> I work in high temperatures.
> My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
>
> Yours sincerely,
>
> P. Niss.
>
>
> The HeR response:
>
> Dear Penis,
>
> After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
> Have raised, HR has rejected your request for the following reasons:
>
> You do not work 8 hours straight.
> You fall asleep after brief work periods.
> You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
> You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
> locations.
> You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
> order to start working.
> You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
> You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
> Wearing the correct protective clothing.
> You will retire well before you are 65.
> You are unable to work double shifts.
> You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
> assigned task.
> And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and
> exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
>
> Yours sincerely,
>
> V. Gina.
| |
|
| |
| |
| |
| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/25/2008 1:03:16 PM |
Thanks to everyone who are keeping this going.I have not run across any good ones lately.
Richard Cranium, a Detroit automotive executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his marketing staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. But, ... it would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the next morning whichever one went to get coffee and donuts at the cafeteria first would have to go.
So, Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went down to the cafeteria to get some coffee and donuts, and some water to take a couple of aspirins for her well deserved headache.
The executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you, or Jack off."
Debra hazily replied, "Mr. Cranium, could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache." | |
|
| |
| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:22:04 PM | I'm Linda. They have knock-knock jokes with my name in it.
Good job, Bbbad one! I guess I don't know.....jack'...... | |
|
| |
| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/25/2008 7:38:10 PM | Speaking of Jack.....
I'll give this a try....I finally had time to read these, another Friday night and I ain't got nobody....I'll be singing this tune again tomorrow.
There were these 3 lady friends who each had a boyfriend named Leroy.
When talking about their Leroys, they were tired of saying, "My Leroy did this, or my Leroy did that.", so they decided to name their Leroys after soda pops.
So the first lady said, "I'm going to name my Leroy Mountain Dew."
The other ladies asked, "Why do you want to name him Mountain Dew?"
She said, "Because he's always ready to mount and do me."
The second lady said, "I'm going to name my Leroy 7 Up."
The other ladies asked, "Why do you want to name him 7 Up?"
She said, "Because he's 7 inches and he's always up."
Then the third lady said, "Well, I'm going to name my Leroy Jack Daniels."
The other ladies asked, "Why Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop, that's a hard liquor."
She said, "That's my Leroy!" | |
|
| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/25/2008 7:56:09 PM | Someone sent me this one today.
"Birds & Bees Speech"
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know", the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny" speech.
At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy" speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa" speech.
If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for." | |
|
| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/25/2008 9:02:51 PM | A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HAND JOB: $1000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meagre looking group of farmers.
'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?'
'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'
'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'
The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.' | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/26/2008 1:50:33 PM | TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-he ck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
And that folks is all the wisdom I have for today !!!!!!! | |
|
| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/26/2008 2:33:08 PM | Keep on passsing on those jokes, bug girly!! Love your sense of humor!!
Countrygirl,,,,^5's gf! I can relate to 1 or 5 of those! lol
When life throws you lemons,,make lemonade! (add a shot or 2 of vodka just to give it a bitta taste lol) | |
|
| Michigan's own little joke thread.
Posted: 7/27/2008 12:03:22 PM | The Power of Beer
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son
and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh!
Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and
goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
*
*
*
*
(Wait for it)
*
*
*
*
(It's coming)
*
*
*
*
(Ya ready?)
*
*
*
*
(Don't hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Ya gonna hate me)
*
*
*
*
(Take a deep breath)
*
*
*
*
"He should've quit while he was a head!" | |
|
| |
| |
| |
| |
Home
login 
