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| How to make a teenager give basic co-operation
Posted: 7/23/2008 3:08:21 PM | Its unfair to say I reject the suggestions made, except chucking him out-because avoiding that IS the point of the thread!
I have explained when I am already doing something someone has suggested, or already failed with it.
Of course it is simple in theory- we'd all be perfect parents if it only relied on theory!
If you find my thread irritating then whilst I appreciate your interest, feel free to ignore it. | |
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| How to make a teenager give basic co-operation
Posted: 7/24/2008 8:46:05 AM | Wow... no sleep last night. But from a parent who's been there. I'm going to give some input and ask questions. You are probably NOT going to like what I have to say and I have to start out with the fact that I fully appreciate your situation and can completely relate to what you are going through.
If I'm reading your profile correctly, you spend weeks away from home? I can see your son having a sense of entitlement to the household if he is the sole occupant for the majority of the time. He's the man of the house when you're not there. He is the man of the house when you ARE there.
Your son said he is testing you. He IS testing you. He is crying out for you to be a parent here. You have to step up to this Samstyles. Give him this and you will both be better off.
He may also sense this absence as neglect and abandonment, and he has every reason to feel this way. Even kids his age need someone around more often than you are providing. It seems in your profile that you would like to fill the time that you DO have at home with someone other than him. I am not saying this is the case, but if he reads your profile and rarely sees you, then I can fully understand how he could feel this way.
Restricting internet use is your right. You pay for it. Your son has NO right to take parts of YOUR computer and hold them hostage until you conform to what he wants. This is flat out abuse. The fact that you NEED these items to maintain the household that your son lives in makes this even more so abusive. This is financial and emotional abuse.
Your own guilt from the past is making you accept this treatment from your son.
Would you allow any other person to treat you in this manner? If I flew to your home and lived there as a guest would you allow me to do this? To take your computer and hold it hostage until you gave into my commands? I don't think so.
What your son is doing there is against the law. He needs to see this. Even with everything else aside he has STOLEN your property. Just because you're his mom does not give him the right to do this. Tell him this. Tell him you are going to report this to the authorities and MEAN IT. He will probably test you. You have to take a stand. If you are afraid of him or afraid of the consequences of taking control of this situation then you have already lost, and you have whether you realize it or not, already "given up on your son".
If he refuses to return your belongings ... charge him with theft. He is your son, but you HAVE to start somewhere and take back your basic rights.
Your person, your property, respect for your authority of the household MUST be the starting points in this.
You are giving your son no reason to respect you. You are not respecting yourself, your son or your relationship with him.
I agree with the unconditional love. You will ALWAYS love your son, no matter what he does. I am strongly opposed to just kicking out troubled kids. And it can get extreme. Believe me.
I kicked my son out. I regretted it, and I wouldn't do it again. On the streets he felt hopeless. It did not teach him independence, or to grow up, or to understand that his actions wouldn't be tolerated. He felt rejected, because he was rejected. It lowered his self esteem. This was just one more loss on top of several others. He returned home a little more messed up and confused.
After that I made sure he knew that he was loved, we cared, HE was always welcome in our home, but the behaviour was not. His behaviour got him involved with the police and as a result an order that he couldn't return home, until the charges were dealt with. He was released and stayed in youth shelters over a 2 week period left to his own maladaptive devices and he was arrested and was in jail for a good portion of the spring and summer.
It wasn't the first time, but he was getting older, this wasn't working for him, and it gave him time to analyze his life. He could only and did blame himself for his behaviour. He started talking to me with a new found respect. I saw real changes. He finally accepted the fact that he had issues and wanted some help to deal with his behaviour. I did not kick him out, I did not reject or stop loving him. His own behaviour had him removed temporarily from our home. Until this time he could always blame someone else. "YOU kicked me out" etc., but not this time.
Kids do things to get something or to avoid something. It is often hard to figure out what it is they are trying to gain or avoid. As long as the behaviour gets the results, control, power, money whatever, they will continue to do it. You have to take the reins and instill some change. When this behaviour no longer reaps the reward, they quickly change the behaviour.
He needs you to step up to the plate and insist on some real boundaries here. He has to be accountable. Kids... even big ones need rules that have consequences that apply to them. He's been pushing you bit by bit, and you've been letting him. This will make him feel extremely insecure. No kid his age is going to ADMIT this... but he is showing you ... in a adolescent male way.
You have to be a parent here, one worthy of his respect. This is what he needs. | |
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| How to make a teenager give basic co-operation
Posted: 7/24/2008 9:40:05 AM | OP, I also recommend therapy for you. Here's why: You are in a situation where you have little support, feel your back is against the wall and are likely wondering at times "how will I get through this day?"
You need someone on your side who can intimately know the situation and provide an objective place for you to sort things out. You need a support structure for you.
As long as you are feeling so strung out and desperate I doubt you are going to be able to make effective decisions... not for you and not for your son. At least, that's how it is for me.
Part of what I see you doing in this thread is just churning... everything feels hopeless and helpless. You need to get back some of yourself in order to be able to move ahead. It *seems* to me you have some guilt about the past that is not making you very effective right now... and your son, in testing you, is taking advantage of your guilt. That's what they do... they test us in order to figure out who they are and how they are going to be in the world.
The first part you can get your hands on is who you are being in this. I think therapy will help you regain some of your sanity whilst you're feeling like you are standing in quicksand. That will go a long way to making your life more manageable, yes? | |
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| How to make a teenager give basic co-operation
Posted: 7/24/2008 11:33:04 AM | Thanks Ladies,
I did ask my GP for therapy a number of times whilst my relationship with his Dad was deteriorating, but all he'd give me was pills. I wish I was able to afford private therapy, but it isn't really an option. Luckily, one thing I did get out of my relationship with his Dad was the ability to stay cool and avoid making snap decisions no matter what, until I was in a room on my own(with people on a forum doesn't count I'm afraid so I apologise for dumping here my frustrations I wont show in public!)
It isn't really an option to stop working away either. I need to maintain my income to support us and my other son who chose to live with his Dad (much to my concern) whom I pay child maintenance for. I think there has been the odd time I've taken on more than necessary to stop feeling sorry for myself when the kids didn't make time for me if I'm honest.
I am trying not to work away as much as I did, my schedule is less demanding of it now, I came home this afternoon and should only be away a couple of nights next week. I agree this may help, thank you.
He doesn't see my profile, he prefers not to know much about me dating though he knows when I get dressed up and go out obviously. When we've talked, he logically understands, but still isn't comfortable with it. Probably because it brings to mind the kind of stuff his Dad says about me. It isn't that I dont value his company either, but he isn't in much and is used to his own space a lot anyway.
Right from the start I did tell him I needed my things returning or he'd leave me no choice but to make him leave if I couldn't trust him. I also said that I wouldn't lie to work about my work phone if it wasn't returned when I came home and they may press charges.
My son has returned my belongings and is being civil, though he refuses to discuss things, he appears to be making a bit of an effort or at least isn't looking for an argument.
I'm a bit disappointed to see my Mum has been to clear up before I came home, I know she means well and wants to avoid another conflict between my son and I, but if I'm to establish ground rules it doesn't work if someone sneaks around to do his bit for him.
I know he's struggling with turning his life around at the mo, and none of his family have ever been good communicators when it comes to matters of the heart, but I tell him I love him regularly and am trying hard to break down barriers, both his and mine.
Hopefully, if I dont make him feel awkward by cornering him, I can get him to talk a bit before I go away again on Monday... texting from afar seems to get more from him but I really wish he'd just talk!
I'm sure he'll expect this weekend to go by with him avoiding conversation but being polite, acting a typical noisy messy teenager and not helping around the house, but not pushing his luck too far. I don't want to let it drop that easy though or we'll just end up back at square one a few weeks down the line. I dont like him being unhappy and want to help him get his act together. | |
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| How to make a teenager give basic co-operation
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:37:15 AM |
Right from the start I did tell him I needed my things returning or he'd leave me no choice but to make him leave if I couldn't trust him. I also said that I wouldn't lie to work about my work phone if it wasn't returned when I came home and they may press charges.
My son has returned my belongings and is being civil
YES! That's awesome! Gotta be careful in threatening something you don't think you can follow through with... if they test you... and you back down... you're cooked!!!!
Kids are so smart!
You should maybe have a talk with your mum too. Kids will live up to the expectations put on them. If she comes in and cleans up after your son, it is lowering the bar. Your son will have no motivation to these things for himself. He'll know that no one expects him to follow through with it... so why should he?
This sounds really promising!
Best of luck Samstyles, if you want to vent ... or swap horror stories feel free to message me. | |
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| How to make a teenager give basic co-operation
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:24:35 PM | Boy do I understand where you are coming from. I haven't got to the point of being afraid of my 17 year old, but very frustated at times. I have no doubt that if he wanted to he could manhandle me without a problem, he just doesn't . Thank the Lord. I am not sure what I would do if that happened. He jokes about it all the time, At least I think he is joking.We are on battles over control of the house. I have to always remind him that I am in charge. Sometimes I feel like it is only an illusion that my teenage boys are really in control. You know like the dog whisper tells you about a dog that does disruptive things. It is hard at that ag, our time to parent is really over, but they are still depending on us for mental and physical support.
Do you think drugs are involved ? I have often thought with my son, that he sees how many things in his life that he can't control and he is trying to control things he thinks he has control over.
Good Luck | |
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| How to make a teenager give basic co-operation
Posted: 7/25/2008 4:04:02 PM | Its not that Im scared of him, I dont think he'd actually try to hurt me, he just wouldn't let me control him physically, even if that only meant stopping him from doing what he wanted around the house.
He smokes and I know he has chewed that kat stuff, but he hasn't ever shown signs of doing worse like anything illegal to take.
He's just very confused and upset. His Dad is manipulative and unsettling and I've been away 3/4 nights a week.
He is so stubborn and trying to be so 'manly' that he hates talking about feelings.
His girlfriend is away and he's fallen out with key mates who are brothers.
He's very smart but cracks under pressure and loses all self belief so he isn't being challenged in his training and he knows its not really leading to anything that he'll enjoy much more. I've been unsuccessful in giving him the confidence to believe he can do better because he wont even admit there is a problem with it.
He's got a lot of issues to address in quite a lonely little life at the mo. I can't get him to talk with me about our issues, but he's speaking nice enough to me about casual stuff. I dont really care about 'normal' teenage mess, well I do but I dont worry about it half as much as seeing how much pent up frustration and anger he had last week! I just want him to be stable and happy. | |
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| How to make a teenager give basic co-operation
Posted: 7/25/2008 4:54:24 PM | Next time your home start a text message conversation :-)
Doesn't matter how the conversations occur, just as long as they occur. You probably noticed that its easier for him to talk through texting. It's easier for me to talk through really complicated things in email then in person. In person... you can't edit what comes out of your mouth. Maybe you can ask him to a movie and dinner :-) Be different. Don't pressure him to talk to you about feelings. Let him find his way and just be available emotionally but not over emotional and demanding.
Just another suggestion from someone that doesn't have anything better to do at the moment. | |
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| How to make a teenager give basic co-operation
Posted: 7/25/2008 9:51:53 PM | Great idea Aries. I have found that my son will respond to my texts better.
OP another thing that I have tried was to send him postive messages on his myspace. I was posting them on the comment section but both of my boys deleted it as soon as I put it up. I guess it embrassed them.
I think that being a single mother with a teenage boy with special issues puts us in a hard place to be. I am always questioning my male friends about different issues with my boys. You know the whole men are from mars thing. I didn't really buy all of that until my boys became teenagers. Now I see it. | |
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| How to make a teenager give basic co-operation
Posted: 7/26/2008 3:44:30 PM | Yeah, I regularly send daft application stuff like silly pokes and starting pillow fights with my boys on a social networking site they use. I used to say I'd never join one of those things, but its got me hooked!
Lol. I like the text idea, I can do it when we're sat together and he'll laugh and tell me I'm crazy in less lovely words but it might just help get the ball rolling!
ta. | |
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| How to make a teenager give basic co-operation
Posted: 7/26/2008 10:45:22 PM | ok i can say that i went to school for criminal justice and the best way in all honesty and i had to do psychology 101 and 102 and the whole other nine yeards of this stuff... take what means the most away... dont show him attention when he does wrong... pick up whats yours and if he messes it throw in his room... act like your in defensive mode... go with it and dont give him what he wants which is attention... start making him do things cooking going places etc... if he huingry make him let him see that your not playing no more and if he dont learn life is going to be hard till he moves out... take what means the most away from him... he will learn.. if not then enroll him into therapy... put options that are not fun for him scare him a little... dont give in hun.. you also need to talk to the father and say look hes doing this its not right and you dont respect it... jsut crack the wip hun... sometimes love is tough... tough love........... he will learn soon... and it may suck now but in 10 years he gonna say thanks because you were able to get his head back into reality before the world does because he aint gonna like it... it alot easiar from the family... hope i helped... let me know how things go...
p.s. dont argue with him,,, just walk away... if you argue he getting what he wants out of you... it kinda a teen mindgame that we all go thru... | |
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| How to make a teenager give basic co-operation
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:09:15 PM | You had to go to school to learn that????
hahaha... I just grew up in a town run by bikers. hahaha "I'm not gonna pay attention to you"... Ok, just kidding but it was still funny. I took the same psych classes and its not like they get into instructive therapy at that stage :-) Hello Mr. Jung, meet Mr. Freud.
Sorry still thought it was funny. psych 101/102 are not exactly credentials. This is a public forum, and technically giving credentials makes it sound like your practicing without a license... but since you had criminal justice I'm sure you knew that as well :-)
Wow... I’m being a real ass. Sorry  | |
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