| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 7/23/2008 5:34:57 AM | I also have a friend who has been living with a "separated" man.
( He has a gambling problem and it was one of the causes for the dissolution of his marriage.) Although still legally married, he moved into her mortgage-free home, 5 years ago. Shortly afterwards, he quit his job. After awhile, she created a job for him to do within her existing business. She invested thousands of dollars to do this. Yes, mortgaged her home to do this.
Just recently, he has become "seriously" ill and unable to work. My friend is physically & emotionally drained and financially maxed out. If he should pass away, the legal ramifications will be horrendous for her.
Thank goodness, my friend has not asked me what I think about her situation. I'd have to be honest and tell her "she's been a damn fool" to have gotten involved in the first place with this man. Then I'd probably lose her friendship. So, I just listen to her woes with an understanding ear and keep my opinion to myself. She already knows the answer, anyway. Hindsight is 20/20. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 10/28/2008 9:52:47 PM | I would give my friend a handbook on the laws of marriage in my state with the pages marked that says if the guy gets sick, she probably won't be able to visit him in the hospital unless wifey or his children says it's ok. I would also mark the pages that says if he dies, wifey or his children can come into the home where she lives and throw her out with only the clothes on her back.
The guy and his wife have all the protection of the law, while the live-in gf has nothing. That isn't a relationship. That is the guy having his cake and also eating it. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 10/28/2008 10:01:51 PM |
I do know this.....if I confided in a close friend, I'd sure be fired up when I found out she made my dilemma a public issue.
(giggles) I didn’t give her name or his… stop making it so personal….
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 10/28/2008 11:24:27 PM | [He has not gotten around to the divorce, it isn’t a priority, was his response when she first asked him about it.]
Based on the above statement IMHO another relationship may not be a priority for him either. In essence if all the strings are not cut on the existing relationship, a new one is just adding another person to the mix, not an ideal situation...to me anyway. Kind of like the elephant in the room that no one sees or talks about. Bottom line if she's okay with it, great...that's her choice. If not she can opt out. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 10/29/2008 5:18:21 AM | | I have seen a situation where the woman wanted a divorce but the man didn't. They remained separated for years because he felt that if they didn't actually divorce, she could never remarry (which he didn't want to see). He told her that he would fight her and drag things out "forever". He was very selfish and knew that she never had any intentions of getting back together with him but kept her at arms length anyway. She was weak & didn't have a lot of confidence that she could deal with his "trouble" so she let it go. She of course, now wishes she'd done things differently because she'd like to remarry and has a mess to clean up first. Stupid, stupid, stupid but everyone has their own reasons. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 10/29/2008 9:59:20 AM | There was a very similar posting in a different category on people living separated, instead of getting a divorce.
I copied what I added to the discussion, instead of re-writing it all.
But this is another very big concern for people trying to start over with someone else,
before ending their marriage through divorce.
And at our age a real possibility , down the road.
You may want to tell this story to your friend, not to discourage her from making her own decision , for what makes her life happy, but so she considers all possible events down the road.
I have a woman friend that is in this exact situation.
Her and her live in boyfriend have been together for many years, I think about nine now.
He is very sick, the hospital even wanted him to go to either hospice or nursing care a few times, but he insisted on going home. She is the medical proxy on him, so makes all the medical decisions, if he cant , at these times.
She has to deal with the wife, every time there is an emergency or it looks like he will not make it , to go home again.
The wife lives in their house, has the rights to his pension and retirement and all the assets.
My friend has been nursing/taking care of this man for seven years out of the nine.
When he dies , she is out on the street.
The wife that has not been his wife for ten years will get everything, after my friend has taken care of her terminally ill husband all this time.
I think , if you are starting a new life with a new partner, all the old business should be taken care of first.
an update to the story is, her live in boyfriend is now placed in a nursing care facility,
and his children and wife are not visiting or supporting him in any way. Her sense of duty and friendship to him, has her traveling very far to take care of his needs still.
She is on very unstable financial footing now, as he shared their expenses as in rental etc.
They were together/living together now for 10 years, eight of those years he was disabled and she was the caregiver. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 10/29/2008 10:08:03 AM | Nothing against people who are separated intended. But, to enter into a relationship with someone who hasn't finalized a relationship is asking for a potential load of turmoil in your life.
That said, not everyone's situation is the same, so without more details it is hard to say what my response would be for her given situation.
My own personal response to that type of situation is not until he's divorced and even then not for quite a while afterwards. There are just too many feelings associated with ending a relationship that are different for each person. Needless to say, it takes time to resolve and finally put the past in the past before someone can move on and make themselves available emotionally to someone else.
So, NO, she shouldn't move in with him. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 10/30/2008 1:43:59 PM |
Nothing against people who are separated intended. But, to enter into a relationship with someone who hasn't finalized a relationship is asking for a potential load of turmoil in your life.
That said, not everyone's situation is the same, so without more details it is hard to say what my response would be for her given situation.
My own personal response to that type of situation is not until he's divorced and even then not for quite a while afterwards. There are just too many feelings associated with ending a relationship that are different for each person. Needless to say, it takes time to resolve and finally put the past in the past before someone can move on and make themselves available emotionally to someone else.
So, NO, she shouldn't move in with him.
My sentiments exactly. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 10/30/2008 5:02:19 PM | Ageless Wonder you said it best.
Telling people what they should do is usually not well accepted, but thoughtfully expressing what you would do if you were in that situation may give the friend some insight. Also suggesting the questions that need answering may help in information gathering to aid the person to make a wise decision.
But the ultimate decision rests with the friend and a true friend will be there whatever that decision is.
It is also important to remember that any advice given is just that and that the recipient is under no obligation to follow it. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 10/30/2008 5:43:18 PM | | Msg1 - I 'll tell her the same as you told her......... It will be a waste of time and emotion to have a relationship with a married man, even tho he is separated ..Moving in with him will not guarantee that she has a future with him. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 10/30/2008 6:44:23 PM | Wow, staying married so you don't have to get married again?? Huh, yes, I agree, what a pathetic excuse. No one HAS to get married again for any reason so that is just not reasonable. Either get divorced or quit dating people who might want a real relationship - and real relationships can be relationships in which two people are not married, do not live together, but are as committed to each other- or more so -than many married people. I once dated someone who was very recently divorced, he spent so much time at the ex's, I finally told him, "you are divorced, but you are not separated". Anyway, since your friend asked you for your opinion, I think you owe it to her to be honest and ask a lot of questions about her "real expectations". If she loves him, I can't see her just living with him forever without a whole bunch of problems popping up. Personally, I wouldn't date someone who is only separated and never ever someone who is married - been down that stupid road and it just leads to heartache and regret.  | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 10/30/2008 10:46:02 PM | Wow, staying married so you don't have to get married again??
Staying married so no one (she - that's outside of the marriage) can ever pressure him into anything other than what HE wants... Another way of: His Game, His Rules.... waving his marriage certificate around along with a helpless shrug. It happens vice-versa too.... for all anyone knows, maybe his wife is playing that same game at her end too.
I hate contemplating the possiblity of it; but, I've seen it played...
Fugly, scenerio... nauseating. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 2/18/2009 6:52:36 AM |
The only reason I can see for not divorcing after so long would be some sort of medical insurance reason. If the other is covered and has a pre-existing condition, that may be plausible. Otherwise, it smells fishy
So much judgment.
None of your business what spurs us to divorce after a decade of no contact.
Seriously. That so much thought goes into it explains why so many are single and not so interested in figuring y'all out.
So much judgment, so few years left.
Be kind and lighten up. | |
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| What would you say to her if you were her close friend?
Posted: 2/18/2009 6:56:55 AM | Days of our Lives : They are not together anymore. It had become obvious the man was lonely and wanted companionship but not enough….to make divorce final. Oh and did I tell you she still has the keys to what use to be their home? The locks have not changed…can you imagine? Lol The two didn’t break up for reasons of the wife still having the keys but am sure it contributed to the question of trust…..
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