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| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/21/2008 7:11:33 PM | | Although I don't dwell on the past, I sometimes become too focused on what's next. By doing so, I missed out on enjoying today. Everywhere I've been has laid a template for who I am now. Today will lay the template for tomorrow, and so on. If I'm happy today, then I have to believe I will project that. I believe this will help me to attract someone with whom I can be content. | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 27 | |
| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/21/2008 8:14:25 PM | It's also occurred to me (great insight!)  that part of my problem is -- I like to be in control. Up to this point, I have always felt that I could change just about anything in my life if it wasn't going as I thought it should. Over the years, I have changed jobs, apartments, hair styles, makeup...you name it. My latest change was a couple of years ago, when I needed to lose 20 pounds and get back in shape -- and I did it. Yep, I like that control.
But, you know what? Amazingly, there are some things I can't control (!) Maybe one of those things is what will happen and who we will meet. It's very difficult for me to let go, and I'm sure that is why I start worrying about the future and having all those regrets about the past. Oh, boy...would I ever love to go back and change things -- see, that control issue again. I need to relax.
Thanks again, everyone! A wonderful discussion and I appreciate it. | |
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| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/21/2008 9:21:57 PM | i think that holding your power in today is a effort and a habbit....is a habbit you need to make and check yourself....
is personal awareness to hold today and not let doubts from yesterday place fear in your foreground....when folks keep needing to be heard...two words...write down!!!
write on paper ...document//not type...write. take the power of holding your awareness to the challenge of finding it...
place a written accounting of how many times you slip into yesterday....
tomorrow try again...eventualy the list becomes a no brainer and you train your awareness to create a good habbit of reminding yourself....you know what some great man said to me one...one foot in yesterday one foot in tomorrow means you pizz all
over TODAY....kinda nasty and crude but totally true words...
i chuckle at his words cuz they where so altering to me in my personal stuggel to find myself...good luck lil fish...
every time i repeat them they remind me of how hard and overwelming it is to learn to stop sabatoging YOURSELF with bad habbits die a hard dang death...
WARNING::: be gental with self...compassion to self to learn it takes lotsa time too... No whinnin in bull ridin...slides to mud pile...stops before i hit...walks around...serenity is in forgiveness to accept we are not going to make same mistakes cuz we learned to offer our truth to ourself first...right cuz in past we missed that...
keep swimmin...do not regret yesterday cus it teaches us....our past will not reflect our future cuz we have applied a awareness and an awakinging to our own character...goodluck hun no fear here just a happy camper to have a ticket for the big show in this thing we call life
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| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/22/2008 5:35:55 AM | I think it is a life stage thing. Although I'm pretty good about living in the now and not projecting, I went through a similar process for about a year. Very unsettling. Dayum depressing for parts of it, lol. For me it was suddenly realizing I'm older and not being comfortable with it yet, and a "what's up?" for the next stretch of my life.
I treated it as a spiritual opportunity. Rather than mindlessly worry about the future, I focused my attention on choosing what had meaning for me to take on in my life, and what I wanted to drop. How do I define "living a great life"?
Like most things it passes; I adjusted and feel even more focused and happy with my life before I went through that redefining period. | |
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| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/22/2008 6:41:06 AM | [It's also occurred to me (great insight!) that part of my problem is -- I like to be in control. Up to this point, I have always felt that I could change just about anything in my life if it wasn't going as I thought it should. Over the years, I have changed jobs, apartments, hair styles, makeup...you name it. My latest change was a couple of years ago, when I needed to lose 20 pounds and get back in shape -- and I did it. Yep, I like that control.
But, you know what? Amazingly, there are some things I can't control (!) Maybe one of those things is what will happen and who we will meet. It's very difficult for me to let go, and I'm sure that is why I start worrying about the future and having all those regrets about the past. Oh, boy...would I ever love to go back and change things -- see, that control issue again. I need to relax./]
Ohhhhhhh I so hear you on that one! LOL
I had the understanding the other day....it's not about control....it's about TRUST.
To TRUST in ourselves that we WILL make different choices today but that EVERY choice we made in the PAST was EXACTLY as it should have been.
To TRUST that another can be as RESPONSIBLE as we are.
To TRUST that EVERY moment was exactly as it should have been, will be & IS.
We sometimes JUDGE ourselves more harshly then we should. ACTUALLY, why are we judging ourselves at all?
Be gentle on YOU & know that if LOVE is what you want then KNOW it's there waiting for you to "walk into it".
Many blessings to you on your Journey!
Trish | |
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| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/22/2008 8:39:11 AM | Z i think most of us relate to that entirely. I have had some relationships, long and short, that i thought were pretty good but obivously they did not last. I went through that black hole of the soul where you think nothing good will happen and you are unworthy and unlovable and just plaine ugly. its just the lies people have told you (and satan the father of lies) planting stuff in your head. its fear. sometimes you have to wallow in it for a bit. but that is not the end of the world. what i did was eventually begin to ask myself some serious questions about just where these ideas were coming from. what makes me so different that love is not for me when everybody else can find it? Am I that special? what i discovered was it was a backhanded type of selfishness that says i am different and therefore the rules of life and love dont apply. sorry, they do. then i started taking chances (like getting in the pond here) and some good things began to happen. no permenant things yet but at least i know now that all the ugly things i thought about me are just not true, i have seen some really good women who said yeah, you are not so bad. who am i to argue? as for the regret thing thats a killer. in aa every single meeting starts out with a line thats says "we shall not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" simply put what happened happened. we cant change it. dwelling on it will not help. learning from it will. the relationship group i ran for a few years the girls had to write down in detail the relationships they were in and go over in detail what was common, where the went wrong (from selection of mates to the way things ran to the very end of the relationship) and concentrate on what the learned. i always suggest each person with relationship issues do that. that way the past stuff is a learning experience, not a regret. i got this to show for my time . hope i did not prattle too much. happy  | |
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| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/22/2008 10:12:20 AM | The future is always uncertain, live a positive life , work on improving yourself.
Most have made mistakes by the time they hit 40, but the important thing is to learn from them , and move on . You can't change the past. | |
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| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/22/2008 10:58:50 AM | A famous psychologist once said that we are all controlled by our fears. Furthermore our fears all arise from situations that happened in our past. All we need to do is know our fears intimately, and then confront them and we can overcome them and take control of our destiny.
Zeeba,
I am wondering why someone such as yourself who has a lot of attributes has not had a meaningful relationship. Is it because of you are afraid to make that leap? What happened to you in your past that has made you fear a relationship? Was it something your parents did or said? I don’t mean to get too personal on a forum like this, but I think we all have fears similar to yours that need to be brought out in the open so we can face them. I know I have my own particular ones.
I think that we also seem to be consumed with the very things we fear and consequently make things worse than they are. I think that in your case, you need to change your focus from finding a mate, to finding friends. By this I mean you need to forget about love, and relationships. Change your focus. You don’t need a relationship now. Concentrate on meeting new friends, both male and female. Tell yourself that this is all you are going to do for at least one year. Tell yourself that even if you find a great guy, you are not going to pursue a relationship with him other than friends. I think that you will discover that by changing your focus, and at the same time, trying to become intimate with your fears, your world will open up to you and a meaningful relationship will follow all on its own. You may also discover that you really don’t need a relationship unless it is strictly on your terms, which is as it should be.
Hope you don’t take my comments the wrong way. | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 34 | |
| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/22/2008 2:25:30 PM | CreativeTrish, thanks for your thoughts! Isn't it interesting that we want to be in control?
PersistentWing, you have asked some really good questions and I didn't take them the wrong way at all! In fact, I'm happy to share some other information -- both for my own insight, and for others. That's why I took a chance and posted my thread.
I was very shy in high school and felt very unattractive. Looking back now at my HS pictures, I want to reach out to that girl and say, "You are pretty!" But, I didn't feel that way and never had any guy ask me out in high school. When I went to college, I became a theatre major (I started doing forensics and humorous interpretation in high school and loved it). I let my hair grow out, learned how to wear makeup, and learned how to adopt a persona. A very good experience.
In the process, I finally, finally started to attract some male attention in college. But, I was still very shy and uncertain. I used to think, "No way. This guy can't be attracted to me. It has to be a mistake." So, I still didn't date that much.
In the summer before I went to graduate school, I met the guy who would be my first boyfriend in every sense of the word. I really fell for him and I think he did too. My parents did not approve, because I think they felt I was taking my attention away from graduate school. So, I broke up with him. Honestly, I do miss him to this day a little bit. Sometimes I think that karma has been following me for breaking up with him.
So...did two master's degrees in four years and didn't date. I then worked at two universities that were pretty isolated; in eight years, I went out on two dates. I did develop friendships during those years, but again I tended to feel like I was not exactly friendship or relationship material. Still insecure about looks, etc. (I should add that my career was going very well, in contrast to my personal life.)
I moved to a more populated area about 12 years ago, and worked very hard again at my career. At the same time, I started to meet guys and date more frequently. However, no guy ever was interested in a long-term committed relationship. And yet again...that blasted shyness held me back from asserting myself or asking for more. I also had a huge fear of pregnancy, making a mistake for the rest of my life, etc. instilled in me.
About four years ago, I decided to make a change. I bought a house (which surprised the heck out of a man I was seeing who didn't want to make a commitment...it was like I wasn't supposed to do that!) I have been very happy with that decision; I needed to have something of my own. But, at the same time I withdrew even more during those years. I was in a very tough job dealing with difficult people and it wasn't good for me emotionally or physically. I wound up gaining the 20 pounds I referred to earlier.
At the beginning of 2007, I thought, "Enough!" I went on a diet and lost the 20 pounds (my pictures on my profile are truly the way I look now. Honesty in advertising!) I started to feel better. Then, in April of that year, I met someone -- and it had been so long since any man had paid any attention to me at all! I fell hard, and fast.
He turned out to be married.
Luckily, he told me early so that I didn't get involved...but my gosh, that hurt. So, here I am. That's why I regret my past and worry about the future. I have been in counseling, but to be blunt, it made me feel even worse (!) I honestly feel better in getting out, making friendships, and trying not to project too much into the future.
That's my story and I hope it helps someone. | |
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| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/22/2008 3:53:55 PM | OP, it seems to me it is a natural thing to ruminate about the past. Every relationship I ever had, and every relationship I wanted but never had, is still there, still fresh in my memory. Our emotional memories are timeless. After my divorce, I spent some time taking this kind of inventory and wrote it all down. All the good things I had done and all the mistakes I had made. I found that I was ashamed of some of the things I had done and I had to forgive myself for them. After I did that, the rumination died down almost completely. If you are having trouble letting go of the past, try writing it down. Some people bury their history or burn it in a little ceremony. I can also tell you that if you meet someone you like, rumination about the past should quickly subside, at least it did in my case.
I started looking for a long-term relationship and jumped into a several relationships too quickly, but it seemed like something always went wrong. I decided it is a good thing to take it much slower than my feelings and desires tell me. Common sense told me that it is better to get to know a lady quite a bit before we become anything beyond friends. Since then I have done quite a bit of what I call "meeting and greeting". I also practiced being clear about where I thought we were and where I wanted to go next, and encouraged the ladies I knew to do the same.
You sound like a grown-up to me, and there are quite a few other grown-ups looking for someone just like you. There are also quite a few in every age and gender group that still have a ways to go, and they can muddy the waters quite a bit. Learn to recognize them quickly and don't waste your time on them.
It seems to me that if you get centered on the details of the people you are meeting now, you will have less time for ruminating about the past or worrying about what is to come. | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 36 | |
| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:28:47 AM | Thanks, WaywardSeeker! I think that all of us have gone through these ruminations at one time or another. I put my story "out there" because I figured others may have had similar experiences...but at the same time, it is time for me to move on and enjoy the present as truly a "present."
Thanks again to everyone who has responded -- just really thoughtful replies and I'm glad I started this thread. | |
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| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:58:50 AM | Zeeba,
Having gone through my own process of discovering and confronting my own fears, I can try to offer some insight that helped me.
It seems that at some point in your past you have convinced yourself that you are not worthy of love. Something like this happens usually as a defense mechanism in order to protect ourselves. Perhaps someone who you trusted, or loved, did something to betray that trust, and you put up a barrier of protection. You also may have compensated for your fears by increasing your drive for success. This is typical for almost all of us. We all place protective barriers around ourselves. These barriers manifest themselves in many different ways, from over aggression, to passive agressive. And we all compensate for them in other ways.
I think that your need for control is good. In fact I think you need to build on this control of your life. When you meet some guy you might like, you need to say to your fearful, non trusting self, “its ok, Zeeba girl is in charge now. Zeeba girl will make sure that we won’t get hurt. Zeeba girl is beautiful, deserving of love, and is far too strong willed and powerful to allow some jerk guy to hurt us.” By reassuring your insecure, fearful self that it has nothing to fear, you are taking control of your fears, and taking control of your life. Falling in love is not giving up control. Never. You give up control only in a sick relationship. You don’t need that. Believe me, you are better off alone.
I may be way off with my observations, and my comments. I hope some of it makes sense. | |
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| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:19:22 AM | | There's nothing wrong with reflecting on your past but don't regret any of it and don't dwell in it. I have always grown from my problems and challenges, from the things that didn't work out rather than from my successes. There's nothing wrong with looking back to learn how to look forward. Remember we do not learn from our experiences; we learn by reflecting on our experiences. | |
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| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/23/2008 7:29:20 AM | | I can relate to regretting the past and projecting onto the future. But either way, it's a negative trip. What's so interesting about life is that you never know what's around the corner, it might be something/someone wonderful. Wow, what a concept! We can't do anything about our past, except learn from it, try not to repeat the same old mistakes, but don't dwell in it, it's a recipe for depression. Keep the faith and look FORWARD. And look at all the great things about yourself! | |
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| Projecting into the future and regretting the past
Posted: 7/30/2008 9:34:18 AM | Oh My God............you couldn't have said it any better than that..It was like you were taking the words right out of my mouth. I totally feel the same way. My divorce also forced me to take a good long look at myself which I probably never would have done so the way I did if it didn't happen. Yes very painful....but now I am so happy with myself and feel that I have alot to give in a relationship now then I have ever before in my life.You must be happy and whole within yourself to love someone else completely................Would love to chat with you sometime!..............Yvonne | |
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