| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:55:08 AM | | rock hunter...I found this to be true also with alot of women... They can be controlling around childcare...They get overwhelemed by being the one who does everything regarding child care, complain about it, yet never let the man do it his way..Either shes right and does it alone or it doesnt get done at all because he throws up his hands and gives up | |
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:21:12 PM | | I rather hope that if some men aren't actively parenting it is due to working hard to support their families. Unfortunately, some men aren't able to be as involved in their kids' day-to-day activities due to a poor relationship with the mother (whether they were ever married or not). But in general I believe most men who become fathers do so with a conscious effort and do an admirable job. | |
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 7/22/2008 10:20:16 PM | Hey 5150, ...I thought of you just now as I'm listening to VanHalen 5150
Is that article only related to 1997 statistics? It seems a little off balanced considering today's world. I just find it horrible that there are 5 moms for every 1 dad raising their children alone, shouldn't be any at all. I know, I know, that's fantasy world but I just don't see how any parent can turn away their own flesh and blood. Those blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, smiling face, talking away and asking questions about everything, learning, having fun, laughing, loving.
No, men overall do not dislike real parenting, we in fact love to be real parents, I know I do :). Just like when I see a woman loving being a real parent, AWESOME!!! | |
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:44:01 PM | I may have read the orgianl posters post wrong but maybe some single fathers/fathers period do NOT post about how hard they are having it raising their child is because they do not, want to be tooken as "drama" person who comes on here and holds grudges against their children mother, and complains on how unfair life is to them....I could be wrong but some of the fathers on this site are HAPPY just being able to see their child for a few hours, and knowing that their child knows how much they love them.
Life is what WE make it NOT what everybody in the threads or people outside the internet makes it for us because NOBODY but us can decide our choice of life and NOBODY can fix our problems but US but do not think of this as me snapping sometimes lifes an bytch and we just have to LEARN to live with it and, make the best of what we got and be thankful that when we wake up every morning that we have another day with our child/ren and our loved ones.
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 7/23/2008 12:11:10 AM |
You have forgotten the "you're doing it wrong" factor. How many times dad actually wants to take care of the child, to change diapers, to carry the baby, to dress him, feed him, only to be rebuked by mom's shouts and recriminations?
After a while, even the most dedicated father will leave these tasks to the wife. Who, in turn, will complain because dad never helps her. Ha ha, that could not have been worded any better. | |
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 7/23/2008 4:21:52 PM | OP, in the past a vast majority of the single parents were women, and probably for the most part still are. There are those of us who have been single dads since, say, my twins were 3 and my oldest 6. It doesn't necessarily mean their mother was a total loser, nor did it mean I had any "overall dislike of real parenting."
Did I go to an endless stream of ER visits with ear infections at 3am with my daughter? Yeah. Did and do I take my son to surgery at 5 am for ear tubes and sleep with him in the ER waiting 9 hours to have his arm re-set after breaking it roller skating? Yeah. Same goes for eye surgery and whatever Dr, Dentist, Orthodontist, speech pathologist, celiac disease and ADD screening appointment. It's just something you do and don't give it a thought.
Do I think that men (and women) tend to avoid parenthood when younger? Yes, to a degree. It's like you meet someone, get married and your careers are just getting cranked up and the natural progression of things is to have children. We decided to not pursue that until we were out of our twenties because we wanted to live for ourselves a bit before jumping into the whole baby routine. My oldest was born a month before my 30th birthday.
In my case, it was a joint decision. There's a time for everything, then again, sometimes children 'come along when they do'. It's all about where one (or a couple) is stationed in their lives whether or not they're ready or think their mate is parenting material or not. | |
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 7/23/2008 8:12:42 PM | Maybe you were doing it wrong.
That's one thing I can't understand. How is that a man who is skilled enough to successfully carry out a difficult job, solve hard math equations, make hard decisions, assemble complicated devices, support a family, somehow becomes an incompetent when changing a diaper?
The easy answer: He's not an incompetent at all. But don't tell that to mom. She needs to believe that dad is an incompetent. | |
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 8/3/2008 8:50:02 PM | Lack of involved parenting is not gender-specific but if there is some way it is skewed toward men it is likely related to male and female gender roles rather than anything innate.
Assuming that the original post was related to men dealing with a child one-on-one in a way after divorce that they don't when they are with the mother is something that happens with intact couples from the standpoint that many women don't get that men do things differently and you have to sort of close your eyes and let them figure things out for themselves. Without intending to, many women prevent their husbands/SOs from bonding with babies because it freaks them out that many carry the infants around like footballs. It is only when they step back and see that man person doesn't damage the baby that the man really gets a chance to bond and parent the child.
That said, I have seen both men and women that totally don't get that they are missing their childrens' lives. Splitting up was the best thing that could have happened to my X in terms of being a parent because he spent more time with them in the year after we split than the 12 before that. The ironic thing, we were his second family and when we got together, he lamented not spending more time with his son from his first marriage, but he didn't bother to be any more involved with my three than he was with his first child. And frankly, he still doesn't get it. He misses most of their concerts, games, and other important events in their lives. He is now finding that with two teenagers and the youngest fast on their heels, that they have little time for him, preferring to spend time with their friends. So, instead of making more of an effort himself, he is ticked at the kids for not being around when he wants to play dad. Do I think this is because he is a guy? Nope, just a jerk.
As Carolann noted, there are men and women both that probably should not have had kids. Some step up to the plate and learn and others don't. There are men and women that as another poster mentioned, don't really want the kids but don't want their X to have them. There are men and women that desperately want to spend time with their children and the other parent does everything possible to prevent it.
I have no custody agreement and because of my X's strange work schedule he has open access to the children at any time but he chooses to spend time with them when it is convenient, not when they need him or as much as he should. We continue to hope he does better with it and in the meantime go on with our lives. But there are plenty of parents of both sexes that do not spend any quality time with their children. The last few years the day-to-day has been hard and I realized recently, it has been a long time since we did things like the zoo and other activities so I think it is incumbent on all of us at all times to step back and consider the quality of our relationships with our children. | |
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 8/4/2008 7:27:13 AM | | Actually, I am happy to say that I know some amazing single fathers out there. Many of them who coach their children's baseball teams, get involved in school activities, take them to doctor / dentist appointments and see their kids several times a week. Some will at least talk with their kids every day and get involved in disciplinary issues. You can't generalise. There are some really terrific fathers out there. | |
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 8/4/2008 8:29:01 AM |
problem, as others have stated, is that the courts continue to default to the woman having custody. Men are left out, and made to jump through ridiculous hoops just to see their children. Way too many women set up impossible obstacles for fathers who would desperately love to be involved, and men eventually give up! I think women would give up also and walk away if they had to deal with a lot of what these men had to deal with.
Exactly! Since you pegged the situation perfectly, can you give me some insight why some women use their children as a weapon in divorce? I never understood my ex-wife. Our daughter begs for more time with Dad. Dad fights for her in court. Mom refuses to give up time. Mom goes back to minimal involvement in daughter's life. | |
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 8/4/2008 11:17:34 AM |
Seems to me that as you peruse these single parent threads that a vast majority of the single parents are women. How you got there is of no importance becasue we all have our own lives.
But one can't help but notice that most men are not that involved with the kids especially at very young ages.
Do you feel that overall men tend to avoid parenthood until it is thrust upon them?
Im a single dad to 4 kids..kinda ruins your theory | |
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 8/4/2008 8:26:45 PM | I hate generalizations. And that's me generalizing. LOL!
I'm a single dad with primary custody. So to answer your question (Do you think men have a overall dislike of real parenting) I have to say "no".
Trouble is, I can flip it and suggest that most women want nothing to do with a guy who has kids. Of course I'd be basing that off my own experience, and making a sweeping generalization at that.
There are all sorts of people out there, great parents and bad ones, male and female, and each have unique things they're looking for in a partner. | |
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 8/4/2008 9:12:35 PM |
You have forgotten the "you're doing it wrong" factor. How many times dad actually wants to take care of the child, to change diapers, to carry the baby, to dress him, feed him, only to be rebuked by mom's shouts and recriminations?
Boy, can I ever identify with that. Yikes. Shit, according to the ex I didn't do anything right when it came to the kids. After a while, I just didn't bother.
After she left, I could do things my way and it really did change how I related to my kids in a very positive way. | |
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 8/5/2008 4:15:36 AM |
according to the ex I didn't do anything right when it came to the kids. After a while, I just didn't bother.
All the comments similar to this really got to me because that's what I experienced. Before we were married, my ex had never baby sat or had any real experience with children - while I did. All of a sudden, though, she was the better parent when we had a child: The better parent who left our baby in a hot car, the better parent who let the baby fall down the stairs, the better parent who accused me of child abuse for insisting on a decent diet for our son, the better parent who pulled a lot of questionable, selfish crap serving her interests over the child's. I eventually backed off because I got tired of the friction and having our son view me as the bad guy. Now that we are divorced, my son and I have a great relationship, and I have full joint custody (still an injustice). And, yes, I cook and clean (well, I guess...) and take him to the doctor and help with homework and buy school clothes and don't have a different woman in my bed every week.
I know a lot of really good fathers. If (some) women will get over their need to be primary and competitive, the children will benefit. | |
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| Do you think MEN have a overall dislike of real parenting?
Posted: 8/5/2008 6:13:02 AM | You know, I thought that with my divorce it would force my ex to be a better dad. Part of our split came from the long hours he spent at work, the lack of involvement with the kids and family. He fought for sole custody, he demanded lots of hours with the kids (which I had no problem obliging him with) and then when the dust settled and he realized how much work it was, he just backed off and took the minimum. Seems his "sole custody" attempt was to hurt me, not any genuine desire to be with the kids.
Not all dads are like this. I've met a lot of wonderful dads out there. But I have to say my ex was great with the kids as babies. As they got older and would disagree and need more active parenting, he just backed off and let me do it. And if he was forced to, he'd be in such a foul mood that the kids were miserable too.
Sometimes he'll reach out to the kids now, but it is a rare occasion. He can blame his new wife on why he can't do something with them. A cop out from my perpective. But really, man or woman, you can't force ANYONE to be a good parent. You can't force someone to want it.
So I do my bit with parenting the kids, I encourage them to spend time with their dad but I never make excuses for him anymore. And I also try to tap my kids, my boys especially, into other people who want to be with them and provide male role models. My brother-in-law is great with them and loves them. His daughter was taken away from him at a young age, so now my two boys fill a need for him. My landlord, friends of the family and dads of my kids' friends have also done "dadlike" things and filled that void. My ex is a great financial provider, he is most comfortable in that role and that's about all I can expect from him. | |
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