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| E.D.
Posted: 10/26/2008 12:02:35 PM | A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man isn’t sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can’t believe that he’s seeing what he’s seeing.
A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, “Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! Are you trying to drive me crazy?”
“I’m sorry to have disturbed you, sir,” she replies. “I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”
The man, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?”
The woman looks at him with a coy smile and says, “Pepper.” | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 10/26/2008 12:31:45 PM | I didn't know short ones were so wanted.
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush ..' | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/5/2008 6:23:30 PM | | I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/5/2008 8:14:31 PM | There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp.
The genie came out and said, "Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."
The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,
"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.
"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says, "You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says, "Yeah, yeah. I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says "
I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!" | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/5/2008 9:44:49 PM | This is awesome, i like it a lot. hope you got so more, | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/9/2008 8:29:58 PM | Tony excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. Tony says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"
His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her." | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/13/2008 4:40:04 PM | Today's Joke
How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..? t
One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!
Dear Bo $$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing$ mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$ tanding of the need$ of your worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
$incerely Your$ ,
Marian $hih
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
The next day, the employee received a nice reply like this :
Dear Marian
I kNOw what you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet .
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading eco NOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNO ther recession. After the NO vember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNO w what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/13/2008 4:42:44 PM | Joke Number #
Canadian Contrest
Getting Canadianised....Priceless!!
Two families moved from Pakistan to Edmonton . When they arrived the two Fathers made a bet. In a year's time, whichever family had become more Canadian would win.
A year later they met again.
The first man said, 'My son is playing hockey, I had Tim Hortons for Breakfast, and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Molson's. How about you?
The second man replied, 'F*ck off, raghead.'
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/13/2008 6:10:47 PM | And then there was the one where a prisoner escaped and broke into this home.
He ties up the man in a chair and ties the lady up on the bed.
Then he jumps ontop of her and is all over her neck.
All of a sudden he gets up and goes the washroom.
While he is in there the husband says to the wife you have to be brave my dear.
Give him anything he wants or he might kill us both.
Be strong my love be strong for both of us remmember I love you.
Oh no the wife says he was telling me he is GAY and he thinks you are nice and was asking if we had vasolin. So I told him in the bathroom.
Remember be strong for both of us I love you dear.
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/17/2008 6:08:04 AM | For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!" | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/17/2008 6:28:41 AM | The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from
a Maple Leaf to a CONDOM.
Apparently it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/20/2008 5:41:19 AM | Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??''
The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''
''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''
The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.
''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.
''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a **** would have tried that crap with me!'''
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/20/2008 9:40:47 AM | A pretty young woman from Ontario was visiting Newfoundland and
became so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing
herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap
into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on
the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, 'Look, you have so much to live for.
We're off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on
my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food everyday.'
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, 'I'll
keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy.'
The blonde nodded, and thought what did she have to lose?
Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of
the ship.
From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit every
night, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, the Captain discovered her during a routine inspection.
'What are you doing here?' he asked.
'I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. 'I get
food and a trip to Hawaii, and in return he's screwing me.'
'He certainly is,' said the Captain. 'This is the Bell Island ferry.'
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/22/2008 1:55:15 PM | What did one ovary say to the other:
"Did You Order Any Furniture?"
The other answers: "No, Why?"
The first replies: "Because there's a couple of nuts outside trying to shove an organ in"! | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/25/2008 7:02:17 PM | ^^^^^ funny stuff
Well, here is mine
COP VS. LITTLE GIRL
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket
For a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on
The back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse
You've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa;
The d*ck goes underneath the horse, not on top !"
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/25/2008 7:04:37 PM | And one more for the road
The Divorced Barbie Doll One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenlyRemembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop, goes inside and asks the sales person,“How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?”The sales person answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95,Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'. The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95and the others only $19.95?' The annoyed sales person rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “Sir ...., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls!!!
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| E.D.
Posted: 11/30/2008 1:00:50 PM | > Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
children.
>>> A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus
arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids
are able to fit onto the bus.
>>> So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
> >> The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of
YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus now, so shut the hell up...
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| E.D.
Posted: 12/11/2008 8:44:31 PM | ^^^^^^ very good lrfireman
Who is your REAL FRIEND?
This really works...!
If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.
Put your dog and your spouse in the trunk of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?
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| E.D.
Posted: 12/12/2008 7:52:53 AM | It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, 'Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.'
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!' said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,' Pedro begged.
'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.'
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.'
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
'Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!
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| E.D.
Posted: 12/12/2008 8:19:46 AM | ^^^^ lol! From you, I wasn't expecting that punch line!!
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| E.D.
Posted: 12/12/2008 5:55:11 PM | A little girl asked her mother:
'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve;
They had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered,
'Many years ago there were monkeys from
Which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said,
'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the
Human race was created by God,
And Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered,
'Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family,
And your father told you about his.'
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| E.D.
Posted: 12/15/2008 3:31:35 PM | T’was three weeks before Christmas, when all through the house
The opposition was stirring, even Layton - the louse.
The dealings were waved in front of noses in the air,
In hopes that a Coalition soon would be there.
The Blocs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of separatism danced in their heads.
And Jack in his ‘kerchief, and Stéphane - the sap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap.
When all across the country there arose such a clatter,
Dion insisted, it didn’t really matter.
Away out the window, he threw with a flash,
The results of the election, amid the backlash.
The moon on the breast of Elizabeth May,
Suggested she might still be able to play.
When, what to her wondering eyes should appear,
But a weasely Frenchman with promises dear.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it was Jack Layton, the****
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Dion! now, Duceppe! Now Mays - you vixen!
Let’s get together, It’s time to Listen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Let’s unite! Let’s unite! Separatists and all!"
And then, in a twinkling, they heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of Canadians, not aloof.
They drew in their heads, and turned around,
And down the chimney St Harper came with a bound.
He was dressed all in gold, from his head to his feet,
Letting them know he wouldn’t be easy to defeat.
A bundle of Tories he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a King, with nothing to lack.
His eyes-how they glared! his fists, how clenched!
He stands for democracy, and won’t see it trenched!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
For the governor-general soon would appear..
The promise of dissolving he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it caused encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a stern face and a little round belly,
And wanted to bury Dion in a bowlful of jelly!
Harper was elected by Canadians, voted in fair,
Not a Weasel, not a Separatist, not the guy with no hair!
With them getting together, it will have to be said,
Canadians will face the future with dread.
Harper spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Shook his head in disgust, then turned to the jerk.
And laying his middle finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a shout,
Trying to teach Canadians, what this is about.
And I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"This is the end of democracy, C’mon lets fight!" | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 12/19/2008 3:04:41 PM | Weeweechu a Merry Christmas. LMAO. Very good!!!
Just found this, hope you like...
http://www.webmd.com/sex/news/20081219/think-sex-sneeze-more?src=RSS_PUBLIC
'Tis the season,
To be sneezin'
Ur Xoxo | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 12/19/2008 3:13:13 PM | | Whats he taking for it....Pepper.... | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 12/19/2008 6:34:19 PM | Hang on to any of the new Quebec Quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents
The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Quebec quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices. The problem lies in the unique design of the Quebec quarter, which was designed by a team of Ozark specialists.
Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines. | |
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