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| E.D.
Posted: 1/8/2009 7:18:33 AM | In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman
wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the
height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would be enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip
little more and again she still was unable to take the step .
About this time, a large Newfie who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Newfie smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.
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| E.D.
Posted: 1/8/2009 3:07:00 PM | hehe good one 
~Messages this short may not be posted~ | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 1/12/2009 7:10:28 PM | | Good one irishchick3! LOL | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 1/16/2009 8:15:03 PM | The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.
35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down
32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.
0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.
-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol Freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the
keg
-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
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| E.D.
Posted: 1/16/2009 10:13:05 PM | ^^^
I wonder how many Torontonians would be willing to live in -500° Fahrenheit to have the Leafs win the Stanley Cup ???
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| E.D.
Posted: 1/17/2009 3:37:49 AM | 2 guys on a plane. young guy thinks he so smart says to the older guy lets play a game. Every question I ask you if you dont get it you pay me 5.00 and evry question you ask me if I dont get it Ill give you 500.00
So the young guy says to the old man whats the distance from earth to the suns outer side old man reaches in his pocket and give the young guy 5.00
Now the old man asks what goes up the mountain with 3 legs and comes down with 4
Young guy is looking through his laptop searching all his data base finaly after 2 hours he reaches in his pocket and pays the old man 500.00.
A short time goes by its driving him nuts and he ask the old man so what goes up with 3 legs and comes down with 4?
Old man reaches in his pocket and gives him 5.00
TADA 
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| E.D.
Posted: 1/17/2009 9:41:44 AM | I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated...
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!" | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 1/27/2009 7:53:49 PM | Recently a poll was done and it was determined that men do much better in the sex department when alcohol is involved.
( As long as the women is drinking it. )
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| E.D.
Posted: 1/30/2009 7:17:39 PM | A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu.
Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $7.00
Fried Explorer: $9.00
Freshly baked Canadian politicians (Conservatives, Liberal, Parti Québécois, New Democratic or Green Party): $150.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price
difference for the Canadian Politicians?'
The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one?
They're so full of shit, it takes all @#!#! morning.'
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/1/2009 7:04:08 PM | Irish.......
This I like very much....can I steal it? | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/2/2009 7:28:45 PM | That was very good Irish Girl
Skipping right along to the Rancher Joke
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided
to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed
and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no
hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room,
he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he
was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, "If
you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
(P.S. I didn't see it coming, either.)
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/3/2009 1:17:00 PM | Now thats a good one Miss
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/3/2009 5:24:39 PM | ~I wonder how many Torontonians would be willing to live in -500° Fahrenheit to have the Leafs win the Stanley Cup ???~
That would cause brain freeze and Torontonians would start driving like Quebecors Not a good idearoll::roll | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/4/2009 4:49:34 PM | I always wonder Why
Why, Why, Why!
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?
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Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?
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Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
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Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
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Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
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Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
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If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
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Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
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Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
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Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
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Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
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Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
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How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
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When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
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Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
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In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
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How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/5/2009 4:51:37 AM | Being a business graduate who had been out of school for several years I established a furniture store in Toronto and was doing quite well. I decided to expand the lines I carried by adding some expensive French furniture I knew no one else in town carried. I then scheduled a buying trip to France. My first day in Paris was very successful and I found a number of pieces I thought I could profitably sell back home.
After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture to Toronto, I decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe. The place was jammed, but I managed to find an empty table. Just about the time my wine arrived, a beautiful woman came by and motioned to the empty chair at my table with a questioning look on her face. I assumed she wanted to sit down so I nodded my head “signaling yes". The woman then sat down with me.
The woman tried to talk to me, but, alas, I understood not one word of French. I tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word of English. I had an idea. I took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a question mark. She nodded her head "yes". We sat quietly enjoying our wine. When it was just about finished, I realized it was nearly time for dinner. I took another napkin and drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her head "signaling yes". She recognized that I didn’t know any place in town so she took me by the hand. She then led me down the street to a very nice restaurant and we went in.
The woman spoke with the headwaiter and we were seated in a quiet corner where we could hear the band playing and see the dance floor. Again I could not read the menu since it was in French, so I allowed the woman to order for me. The food was excellent and we thoroughly enjoyed the meal. After dinner, I took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded her head "yes" and we danced to every song the band played, whether fast or slow. When the band quit playing and began to pack away their instruments, we returned to our table. The woman took a napkin and reached for my pen. I handed it to her and she drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day I am still wondering how she knew that I was in the furniture business! | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:22:35 PM | Gynecologist Visit
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or
Dermatological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes: which is why I came
here in the first place.'
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:39:07 PM | A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in a fancy hotel. As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and said, "Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse with you until a table is ready, if you please."
Intrigued, the man said, "OK."
The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.
The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, but thought he would try a different tack.
The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball Scores, and what to expect the Red Sox to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.
Again the robot asked the question, "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out, " Uh... 'bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e...........y-o-u-r..........p-e-o-p-l-e..............g-o-i-n-g.............t-o..........v-o-t-e ………….f-o-r...........H-a-r-p-e-r?" | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/5/2009 5:46:13 PM | | Funny ones MissTique | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:22:06 AM | very good miss t
and then there is the one where the lady goes to the store to buy a fresh chicken for the friday night meal.
She checks it out all over turns it upside down looks to see if there is enough fat for the soup and finaly ask the guy behind the counter
Hey mister you mean to tell me this is a realy good chicken?
and so the guy says to her lady you should pass such a phisical.
tada | |
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| The Animal Test
Posted: 2/6/2009 7:13:26 PM | Which among the following animals do you identify with most?
• A shark
• A rabbit
• A bear
• A hen
• A dog
• A cat
• If you chose a shark, you are generally an aggressive kind of person who has no time for others who are not up to the mark. You won’t think twice about slicing through those who stand in your way and you have a very clear idea about what you want and you know how to get it too.
• If you chose a rabbit you are generally sweet tempered but timid. You bend very easily. You like to stay clear from the limelight as far as possible and do not interfere much in the affairs of others.
• If you chose the bear, you are a warm person by nature but not very sure about whether others like you. Hence you might go out of your way to win friends and love reassuring others.
• If you chose the hen, then you are one of those people who constantly fuss about minor details. You keep your eyes open but you are very dependable though sometimes you might end up poking your nose into things that do not concern you.
• If you chose the dog you are a happy go lucky person. You are willing to help others but if you do not watch out, more than once you might be taken for a ride. You do not bother about trifles but when you lose your head, it is really lost.
• Hmm, you chose the cat did you? Well you live in a world of your own; you do not trouble others and do not like others troubling you. In short you are very much the modern apartment creature who knows all the manners but uses them only to be civil.
True? False? | |
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| The Animal Test
Posted: 2/8/2009 5:43:11 PM | False lol
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started ...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- --------- -----
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive...
so, I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She
is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment..'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than
the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- -----
My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I
told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday
and then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?
" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She
didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then
I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
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| The Animal Test
Posted: 2/8/2009 7:49:31 PM | Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head****d to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I soiled myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.' | |
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| The Animal Test
Posted: 2/9/2009 8:29:44 PM | ^^^^ very nice hee hee
I have found one that I found very funny.. well, at least to me
"Nurses aren't supposed to laugh." Fred declared.
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing. A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure .
"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
Things went downhill from there.
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/9/2009 9:36:35 PM | ouch, poor guy 
~Messages this short may not be posted | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/10/2009 5:07:12 PM | ^^^^ Your joke was too short
Rum & Coke
A Priest was seated next to a Cape Bretoner on a flight to Halifax. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Cape Bretoner asked for Rum & Coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the priest if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust..... 'I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.'
The Cape Bretoner then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.'
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