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| E.D.
Posted: 2/11/2009 2:36:04 PM | Today my boy and I did yard work. And being rural, when we got inside we checked for ticks. Guess what we found one. The cats and the dogs are medicated for ticks and flees, so I know it didn't come from them. Anyway, the actual conversation went like this...
"Dad! Is this a tick?"
"Yes. Kill it by pressing it between your thumb nail and another nail."
"Ewww! It popped!"
"That's how you know it is dead."
"Dad, are there other kinds of ticks?"
"There are lots of different types of ticks."
"Like what?"
"Well, there is the tick that is long and skinny. It is used in some cultures to hold things together, and in other cultures it is eaten. It is called a Tick-Tack.
"But they only eat the last digit on the parasite's foot. It is a delicacy called Tick Tack Toe.
"And there is the long bent tick, as you may guess it is called a tick-L.
"To be sure of its type compare it to a test tick-L.
"You have to do this because it is very similar to the straight parasites which imitate the twigs of trees. They are simply called sticks.
"Of course there are the ticks that Noah saved from the cold. They are called Arctic’s.
"And the small ones that dance and caper about are called antics.
"If you look closely you can account for the difference between the mathematic (often found in groups) and the Egyptian variant with the indecipherable writing on its back, called the cryptic.
"And there are the small ticks that if you have you get into the movies. Those are called tickets.
"And the ones that only come out during the full moon are lunatics.
"Did you know there is an oral variant that comes around from the internet? It is called an E-liptick.
"The ones that are very judgmental are called critics. They are closely related to the sceptics, but are paid more.
"The burning ones, which cause a lot of expensive damage, are best left alone. Those are the ones we call caustics.
"The ones with a strong tendency to point north are called magnetic. When they get old they don't point north all the time, and then they are called erotic’s.
"Some are found in small pricey shops, they are called boutiques.
"The ticks that you find beneath the roof are called attics.
"The big ticks that are ground up and used as glue are called mastics.
"There is even a skirt wearing Scottish variant called a keltick. Be careful, as this one looks like a buff version of the narcissistic, which is a very vain animal.
"There are a couple of musical ticks, the operatic and its close cousin the acoustic.
Both belong to the artistic family. Don't confuse either with a guitar pick that is a different animal, flat and about thumb nail sized.
"The ticks from Italy are called Romantics. These are often confused with erotic’s, which are not ticks at all, but a type of love bug.
"And there are the kinds ground up for medicine, called narcotics.
"I heard a story that another name for this animal is an antic dote, but I haven't been able to verify this." | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/12/2009 9:23:58 AM | A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: "Hello, could you give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!" The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says: "After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's Mom is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes allusions ... and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me too!!"
During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the Mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying: "Dear Lord,bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!" A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your kindness..."
Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others. She gets close to the boy and tells him in his ear: "I didn't know you were so religious!!!"
The boy replies :"I didn't know your dad was the pharmacist!!!"   | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/14/2009 9:32:30 AM | A contest for couples at an american radio. The prize is a superb trip to a magnificent beach villa. The couples will be phoned, they must answer at the same 3 questions but without knowing what have responded the partner. First couple to try out the contest. First is called the husband.
-Hello we are from the radio constest with the set of 3 questions for you.
-OK
-When you have done last time sex with your partner?
-10 days ago.
-How long?
-I think it was for about 20 minutes maybe half an hour.
-Where have you done sex?
Remenbering that in that period his mother-in-law was visiting their home he answers:
-In the kitchen.
Now the wife is called.
-Hello we are from the radio constest with the set of 3 questions for you. I must remember you that you will win if you have answered same as your husband.
-When you have done last time se with your partner?
-It was a saturday, so it must be 10 days ago.
-For how long?
-I don't know maybe 15 minutes maximum.
-Even if you have not responded the same as your partener I'll take this as a good answer. Maybe men and women don't live the time in sex with same measures.
-Where have you done sex?
-Even if my mother was in visit and possible is listening to this I'll respond sincerely. Mom please forgive me for what I'll be telling but I want so much this prize.
We've made a**sex !!!! | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/17/2009 6:35:53 PM | A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and
a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. the girl had tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
your rig , but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think
you could go faster.'
The little girl replied thoughtfully,
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'  | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/17/2009 9:26:12 PM | good one ^^
~Messages this short may not be posted | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/17/2009 11:05:53 PM | | a drunk guy walks out of a bar see's a nun, he chases her down the street beats the shit out of her and screams "not so tough today huh batman" | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 2/19/2009 6:26:43 PM | My Jokes will end in the end of Feb. I am leaving the site my friends
_________________________________________________
Once upon a time at Dorval Airport...
Do you speak English?
- Yes!
- Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no...I mean male or female?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn't that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast...
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| E.D.
Posted: 3/6/2009 3:48:52 PM | A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "what's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40, please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Be careful what you wish for.... | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 3/7/2009 7:53:03 AM | Hah that was great!
I'll take notes to specify "human" the next time a run into an old lamp. | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 3/10/2009 6:53:55 AM | Frank Hunting...
Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
He travelled up to Alaska , spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to
see a big black bear. The black bear said, 'That was a very bad
mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices.
'Either I maul you to death or we have sex.'
After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter
alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank. Even though
he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.
He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black
bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder.
This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.
The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin
and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough
sex.' Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear
than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank. Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered.
Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and
managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?' | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 3/17/2009 5:49:51 PM | Little Johnny's at it again..... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
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| E.D.
Posted: 3/23/2009 6:18:49 AM | THE HAIRCUT
A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked his
father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he would make
a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average,
study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed
that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you
didn't get your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that
Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long
hair. And there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice that they all walked
everywhere they went?" | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 4/21/2009 11:28:10 AM | A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi, is Tony home?"
"No, he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No, come in."
They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?" | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 4/29/2009 6:41:47 PM | One day an old German Shepherd is chasing rabbits near Algonquin Park and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a black bear heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having him for lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching bear.
Just as the bear is about to pounce, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious bear! I wonder, if there are any more around here?'
Hearing this, the young bear halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the bear, 'That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!'
Meanwhile, a red squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the bear. So, off he goes.
But the old German Shepherd sees him heading after the bear with great speed and figures that something must be up.
The squirrel soon catches up with the bear, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the bear. The young bear is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, squirrel, hop on my back and watch what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the bear coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the ol' dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. But just when they get close enough to hear the old German Shepherd says loudly,
'Where's that damn squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another bear!
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience | |
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| E.D.
Posted: 6/29/2009 7:21:13 AM | A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
Perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your career!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
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| E.D.
Posted: 8/28/2009 10:12:16 PM | A man sees an ad for a horse for sale.
He meets up with the Italian owner and asks "how much?"
The Italian says "you can hava for nutting".
Man says "Nothing? Why? What's wrong with him?".
Italian "He no looka so good".
Man goes out back to see the horse. He sees a good looking healthy horse. So, he has the Italian deliver it to his stable.
Apon arrival, the man notices that the horse keeps running into things. He turns to the Italian and says "This horse is blind!"
Italian responds "I tell you, HE NO LOOKA SO GOOD!" | |
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