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 nickolysseus
Joined: 5/25/2008
Msg: 101
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Monogomy is it important anymore?Page 5 of 13    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
Re the Opost

mono-gamy does not lead to stereo-gamy (ie a stable/solid marriage).

Re post 101

Good points!
 sahasrara1000
Joined: 7/17/2008
Msg: 102
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 11:04:21 AM
Fidelity is about the most basic thing you can ask for with a partner. If they don't care about you enough to NOT sleep around, then they obviously don't care about you. Respect is all you have. If that is missing, then your relationship is a sham.
 callwilliam2
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 103
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 11:19:25 AM

Fidelity is about the most basic thing you can ask for with a partner.


Fidelity is what makes the partnership an unbroken bond. Otherwise, what you have is an offender, transgressor, and a thoughtless person who does not give a hoot about what you think or how you feel. Either you are faithful, or you are unfaithful...but not both.
 flyonthewall!
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 104
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 11:23:43 AM

mono-gamy does not lead to stereo-gamy (ie a stable/solid marriage).


Most marriages aren't stable, but of those that are, the overwhelming number are between caring, solid, mature, monogamous partners.

The purpose of marriage is a stable relationship, usually for raising children.

I've known many people who were long term happily married, including me. Those people didn't cheat (me included).

If you don't want to be in a monogamous relationship there is no one forcing it upon you. It works for some people, doesn't work for others.
 Nao_Namorado
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 105
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 11:30:40 AM
Monogamy is the last bastion of control freaks.
 sanderick
Joined: 8/27/2007
Msg: 106
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 11:31:27 AM


Fidelity is about the most basic thing you can ask for with a partner. If they don't care about you enough to NOT sleep around, then they obviously don't care about you. Respect is all you have. If that is missing, then your relationship is a sham.


I don't think that this could have been summed up any better that the above quote from a previous poster.

Bravo!!!

 Ahappygal
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 107
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 11:38:32 AM
Monogony, or monogamy? Whats monogomy?
 GrandmaBooBoo
Joined: 12/30/2006
Msg: 108
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 12:04:09 PM

Anyway to the point. I believe in monogomy very strictly. I also believe that sex should be with a person that matters and never just casual but that's not as important to the topic.
I believe that NO man can handle 2 women....particularly if one of them is me!!! LOL!

I'm not quite so sure that I agree with the very limited definition of "casual sex" though. We define it 1/2 way by saying that "casual sex" is with someone that doesn't "matter" to us...but we can't take that final step and say...that we can be similarly "casual" about sex even WITH someone who matters to us....by refusing to consistently meet their needs and desires. I believe that a very large percentage of "extra cirricular sexual activity" is directly related to the very casual and "non-importance" label that one partner...who SAYS they're "committed" to the relationship...but in reality...they aren't really all that committed to the sexual part of the relationship. IF they were, they wouldn't treat "sex" as some casual afterthought.
 Nao_Namorado
Joined: 7/23/2008
Msg: 109
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 12:07:16 PM

Whats monogomy?
One gome.
 Ahappygal
Joined: 6/5/2008
Msg: 110
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 12:22:28 PM
One gome

Thanks! Is one gome a man? Whats a woman?
 cleansed 2.0
Joined: 6/28/2008
Msg: 111
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 12:37:27 PM
But what should be considered bad behavior? We only kid ourselves when we think we have somehow evolved past our animal instincts.

As man developed language and reasoning skills did the whole idea of monogamy arise. Since then we have seen endless examples of how that really isn't the case.
Take for example the people on this thread for example.
All seem to be nice enough to be in a long term relationship right now BUT we aren't are we?
I would imagine all of the divorced ladies that you are here becasue your man fooled around on you.
For the guys you either had your mate fool around on you or you were the foolee.

So think about it, we get brainwashed from birth into this thinking. And after enough brow beating it sets in to be the way but we all know of someone who cheated or have done it ourselves.

So do not kid yourself. From my experience, Any male would jump at the chance of having a sexual escapade outside of a realtionship if they knew they wouldn't get caught.

Monogamy is a control mechinsm put in place many, many years ago to give average people a chance to mate and expand the gene pool.
It has been reinforced through mythology and religion anf government control.

But in all reality it goes against our base instincts as mammals.

Take a look at the problems we see in the single parent threads about men who aren't all that big on assuming responsibility for another man's offspring.
But we have laws and rules that prevent our base instincts.

I would prefer a one on one relationship.

Look at the concept of sexual fantasy. Shrinks will tell you it's perfectly natural to fantasize about another person during sex or masturbation. But like the old adage if you think it you must want it. But again our rules and laws have to keep us in check, well most of us? anyway.
 callwilliam2
Joined: 6/4/2005
Msg: 112
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 12:45:47 PM
Monogony, or monogamy? Whats monogomy?


Monogamy is the practice or condition of being married to only one person at a time.
In Zoology, monogamy means the condition of having only one mate.

Monogyny is the practice or condition of having only one wife at a time. Polygamy, on the other hand, is the condition or practice of having more than one spouse at one time. In Zoology, polygamy refers to a mating pattern in which a single individual mates with more than one individual of the opposite sex.

A common complaint with a lot of women (and men) is that each gender engages in "animal behavior".

It might be a good idea to take your potential SO to the zoo and say: You see that male chimp doing each of those twelve female chimps in a two hour period? That is not what I'm looking for in this relationship, and that is how that chimp became a chump.
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 113
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 1:08:19 PM
I'm only wired for monogamy. I can't be in an open relationship... I don't share well.
 nickolysseus
Joined: 5/25/2008
Msg: 114
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 2:03:36 PM
Re the Opost

As a Greek I find this misuse of Greek words a tad frustrating.
Gamos means wedding, it can also mean sex
Monogamy means having sex or being married to one person
But Non Monogamy does not equal Poly-Gamy or Poly-Amory aka sleeping around

As per fidelity being the key in a rel, I differ: Love is.
But again the Greek word Eros (= being In Love) is NOT the same as Love (Agapi).

Monogamy is a worthy cause but the Agony portrayed by many about Monogamy does not lead the Gamos (union, rel, marriage) to Evdemony (=happiness). Marriage has little to do with Sex (and with being in Love). It is a business/financial contract/partnership that worked best when arranged.
 outofthedesert
Joined: 6/3/2008
Msg: 115
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 5:59:52 PM
The man in my life is Greek. Eros, mono and gamos fit highly into the equation.
 o76923
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 116
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 10:21:25 PM
I just want to throw out real quickly that the social psych community chuckles a little on the inside when we hear about monogamy. Over 50% of individuals will cheat at least once over the course of their lifetime. Further, humans are not actually considered monogamous as a race, we're serially monogamous. Even the OP doesn't appear to be advocating actual monogamy. And at the current state of the human race, serial monogamy seems to be generally beneficial once we actually cross a certain line in the relationship, prior to that level of commitment, polygamy is actually benefitial. Namely, it's good to date lots of people, even if it sometimes means more than one at a time, but once you get to marriage land, being "faithful" is to your benefit.

And stability in relationships is actually based primarily on a single factor that is deceptively simple. It's whether or not our best alternative is better than our expectations. Even if we are happy in our current relationship, it's unstable if we see another alternative that is better than what we want in a relationship. It seems our brain is acutely aware that happiness in a relationship erodes over time. However, we are also terrible at applying this concept so what ends up happening is frequently a person will compare their current relationship in six months to how the new relationship would be in 2 weeks. Fortunately, if we are in a happy and stable relationship, we generally don't leave for a potential good relationship (unless its significantly better and we have some assurance it will stay that way).

All that being said though, sexual fidelity actually isn't part of the relationship model I just explained. Sexual fidelity is actually less necessary than alot of people would think. Always has been actually. It isn't so much a "media has made it cool" thing as it is a "media talks about it now" thing. What used to be hidden behind closed doors is now a perfectly acceptable topic of conversation. There's always been peer and societal pressure to "grow up" through sexual conquest and to prove dominance the same way. We just stopped hiding it. More interesting, in my opinion, is that the reaction has become so negative recently. 50 years ago if John was sleeping with the neighbor's wife, it turned into glaring at them in church and gossiping in the grocery store. Now it can lead to outright ostracizing in the community. So another way to look at it would be to ask "Why does the media care more?" and "Why is it a bad thing now?"

Although I should clarify right now that social psych doesn't say sexual monogamy is a bad thing. Nor does it say it isn't. It's not about judgment it's about helping people cope and figuring out what people do (and why). It's also important to stress that sexual monogamy is not necessary for monogamy in a relationship. Similarly, it's not necessary for sexual monogamy to lead to a monogamous relationship. They're separate concepts that got linked because someone a long time ago connected sex and relationships and everybody agreed with whoever said that. But secretly alot of people said "that's silly" or "why?" and now we're realizing the extent of that.

To the OP, don't settle for an open relationship if you don't want one . Even if it was the only option, you wouldn't be happy in it and just because that doesn't mean a relationship will end, doesn't mean you want to strive for it either. There are plenty of people who want monogamy, either because they think it's the only choice or because it's the choice they want now. Besides, the people on here aren't exactly a representative sample of the population.
 Cynderella
Joined: 3/8/2007
Msg: 117
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/28/2008 10:53:22 PM
100% yes...I still believe there is a man who believes in it as well...I hope
 nickolysseus
Joined: 5/25/2008
Msg: 118
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 1:27:35 AM
Re post 119:

Some good points!
Plus:
"...but once you get to marriage land, being "faithful" is to your benefit."
But what % of marriages of more than let's say 10 years include a really satisfying sexual/erotic life between the spouses? From what I hear and read and see, not that many! It is either nominal or non existant (ie they have sort of reduced sex to a once in a month chore/process) and they focus on other hedonisms (chocolate, cars, material goods, etc etc).
 farmboy1947
Joined: 5/27/2007
Msg: 119
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 2:46:04 AM
Wow! What a tread! But one I have thoughts on... but apparently not the mainstream.

I believe in monogamy when it is needed. And currently I do not need it. I believe (and note I'm not saying anyone else on the planet should believe as I do... just sharing my beliefs).. I believe it is important to be monogamous while raising children. I believe the parents need the full support and the loving example of two people working together to raise welbalanced individuals. HOWEVER, after that time period, the individuals may choose and have the right to go their own way, do as they please, consequences notwithstanding.

I have chosen a non-monogamous lifestyle and am very happy with it. Everyone I date KNOWS this up front. I am sure I have not gotten contacts because of this choice of mine. I treat all whom I meet with respect and honor our time together. Sex is just another aspect of our relationship if it comes to that.

I do take exception to the 'morality' card being played. Just a short off topic example how morality was used incorrectly in my view. I was accused of being immoral for following act. I had stopped at a red light where there was no traffic other than me. After waiting what seemed like forever, I ran the red light because I needed to catch a plane. IMMORAL!?! Paaaleassse! Who gets the right to say I am immoral? Only societal mores determine that. No single person, unless they sre members of the morality police. I performed an illegal act? Yes. Immoral act? No. Having sex with multiple partners is not immoral as long as it is between consenting adults ... IMHO (in my humble opinion).

Researchers out there.. perhaps you can find examples of common practice activities in other cultures' mores that are explicitly immoral in the USA. Only one comes to my mind quickly. Human sacrafice (hopefully an extinct more of anchient societies).

Question... Is serial monogamy ( ie marry .. divorce/death .. remarry .. divorce/death .. remarry .. ad infinitum ) really monogamy? I guess my definition of true monogamy would be that a couple marries FOR LIFE and never has sex with anyone else ever again, even after the death of the spouse.

That's not for me. I believe that to each his/her own. So to some out there I am an evil, immoral, perverted individual that they would never get withing spitting distance of. And others think of me as the kind, gental, helpful, caring, loving individual that I am.

Loved the question. Thanks for asking.

So to answer the question. YES! Monogamy is still important.
 flyonthewall!
Joined: 3/31/2008
Msg: 120
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 6:18:32 AM

Even the OP doesn't appear to be advocating actual monogamy.


Then why did the OP say " I believe in monogomy very strictly. I also believe that sex should be with a person that matters and never just casual but that's not as important to the topic. Monogomy is something that I preach and that I want from a partner in return"

Does that sound like she's "not advocating actual monogamy"?


However, we are also terrible at applying this concept so what ends up happening is frequently a person will compare their current relationship in six months to how the new relationship would be in 2 weeks.


You're 21. That's how the 21 year old male mind works, or rather doesn't. It's 90 percent penis and 10 percent brain. Wait 10 or 20 years, mix, stir again and pour.


All that being said though, sexual fidelity actually isn't part of the relationship model I just explained.




Taking some psych classes lately? Leave the psychiatric analysis to the professionals.


Question... Is serial monogamy ( ie marry .. divorce/death .. remarry .. divorce/death .. remarry .. ad infinitum ) really monogamy? I guess my definition of true monogamy would be that a couple marries FOR LIFE and never has sex with anyone else ever again, even after the death of the spouse.


That's why the marriage vows are "until death do you part". The idea is that if you are unfortunate enough to have your spouse die before you, even God wouldn't want you to be alone for the rest of your life.

I was widowed twice, and would have been with either of my deceased husbands to this day if they had not predeceased me. The death of a spouse is not a problem of either party with remaining monogamous -- it's DEATH. Get it?

Losing a spouse is hell and finding someone else eventually signifies rejoining the living, but no sense in trying to explain things to you that you'll never understand.


That's not for me. I believe that to each his/her own. So to some out there I am an evil, immoral, perverted individual that they would never get withing spitting distance of. And others think of me as the kind, gental, helpful, caring, loving individual that I am.


If it's not for you, that's certainly your prerogative. Personally I don't care about the sex habits of people unless he happens to be the one person in the world with whom I'm having a romantic relationship.

Perhaps outside of a romantic relationship, you are kind, gentle, helpful, caring and loving -- not so much when you're dipping the same stick in many pools. Sounds yucky to me.

However, I've counted many men as friends who are "relationship challenged". After my second husband died several were my platonic dates. They were almost always available because they were constantly searching, and of course never finding the right ones. Plus listening to all the whining about how women "just don't get it" was entertaining!
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 6:31:13 AM

Suppose Jessica Alba showed up at a guy's door and she said, "I'm horny, and I want you, but this will be a one night stand, no strings attached". What do you think most single guys would do? Sex feels good, and there is nothing to loose... you would have to be retarded not to do her.


Then stamp retard on my forehead and call me an idiot. I rather be an idiot over an ass any day.
 .Marc
Joined: 2/11/2007
Msg: 122
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 6:33:44 AM
I think I'd have to be a retard too.... but who knows. Maybe I have less will power than I think I do.
 nickolysseus
Joined: 5/25/2008
Msg: 123
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 6:42:18 AM
Jessica Alba? Nah!
Cameron Diaz, yes!

I do not see tho any gender specificity in this "case". I think most women would do a ONS with their fave TV or film star! Not only the men. But not all (men and women).
 o76923
Joined: 11/3/2007
Msg: 124
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Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 9:31:10 AM
Re: fly msg 123

Does that sound like she's "not advocating actual monogamy"?

Actually yes it does. If you bothered reading the context of the quote you'd note that monogamy and serial monogamy are two distinct concepts. Monogamy, strictly speaking, limits you to one partner ever. To be monogamous the first person you date, the first person you have sex with, and the first person you marry, and the last person you date, last person you have sex with, and last person you marry, must all be the same person. Serial monogamy is a series of monogamous relationships throughout a lifetime.


You're 21. That's how the 21 year old male mind works, or rather doesn't. It's 90 percent penis and 10 percent brain. Wait 10 or 20 years, mix, stir again and pour.

Thank you for making stereotypical assumptions about me when I'm only talking about research. I really appreciate you guessing at my gender, outlook on sexuality, and perspective on relationships based on seemingly nothing but my age and sex. However, what I am actually talking about is a common failing in human nature. We, as a species, are really bad at predicting things. So what ends up happening is when we attempt to compare things at two remote future dates, we wind up assuming the unfamiliar will change far less than the familiar will (we also assume changes will be beneficial in unfamiliar things). But feel free to attack me instead of addressing the issue.


Taking some psych classes lately? Leave the psychiatric analysis to the professionals.

Well, I'm going to assume for a minute that I'm not a social psych major with a focus in intimate relationships for a minute. But the model I described there actually doesn't factor in sexual monogamy. The model described is known as Social Exchange Theory. Nowhere in either the model or SET does it say sexual monogamy is necessary to monogamy in a relationship. In fact, there is a large body of research saying that it is unnecessary. However, that's not what I was talking about, I was only explaining SET.


That's why the marriage vows are "until death do you part"

The institution of monogamous-heterosexual-lifelong marriages is actually far more political than it would seem. Same sex marraige was outlawed for the first time in the 4th century AD as the Roman Empire adopted Christianity. Monogamy is also a bit of religous fanagling. Strictly speaking monogamy wasn't part of early christianity until its adoption by the roman empire. As for the lifelong issue, that's one of those things that's "true" technically, but not really. When marriage was initially started, and through the vast majority of its existence, "until death" meant at most twenty years. It was not uncommon for a man to have multiple partners through their lives with a wife dying in childbirth, or a different political alliance became more favorable making a new marriage more useful. But this notion of marriage being designed to last forever is a bit of a new thing and its effects are being heavily studied in the social psych community.

For anyone interested in the psych perspective on these sorts of issues, I strongly recommend "Intimate Relationships" by Miller, Perlman, Brehm , and the new guy that helped them in their latest edition (who's name escapes me). It's a very well done book that doesn't assume too much academic study in the area and is very good at explaining its points. Helpful diagrams, explanations of studies, and references to their website really do a marvelous job of helping grasp some of the issues in studying relationships today. It also can be a bit of an eye opener in the sense that there are alot of things in the book that will surprise you, until you think about them for a minute and realize they make sense.
 jm0405
Joined: 7/7/2008
Msg: 125
Monogomy is it important anymore?
Posted: 7/29/2008 10:52:26 AM
You said it very well. I believe in monogamy. Too many diseases to play the field - hepatitis, gonorrhea, genital herpes/warts, syphilis, AIDS/HIV. To commit adultery, you must manipulate, deceive and lie - all of those are evil attributes/characteristics. If I never meet a man that believes in monogamy, then I prefer staying alive, healthy and single without STDs.
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