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| | Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?Page 4 of 7 (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7) | | I think some of you are missing the point the OP and others are making. It is not how the question should be responded to, or weather or not you should feel defensive. Rather I think the point is to inform that it is a rude question. After a point the question is as welcome as a Jehovah Witness at the door during dinner. | |
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Fifi47
| | Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 77 | |
| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/28/2008 6:48:58 AM | | You got it, and they do not understand that it is rude, but when i ask them about their divorce i am being rude. it is more socially accepted to be divorced several times then to not have been married, so the norm is treated with respect and others are disrespected? | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/28/2008 5:25:18 PM | I am 44 and have never been married and have no children. I have had opportunities to be married, but chose not to for one reason or another. I didn't really want children.
When people ask me why I am not married, I tell them, "I've not found anyone I want to be with "forever". When they ask me why I don't have kids...I tell them because "I chose not to have children." It was a lifestyle choice for me.
If they don't like my answers, too bad.
You certainly don't owe anyone the answer and frankly, it's rude of people to ask. I've actually told a couple of people that their questions were rude. You wouldn't go around asking married couples why they don't have kids or if they like being married instead of single. Some people are just rude.
Anyway, this burns me too. You are totally normal. Besides, who decides what normal is or is not? If you enjoy your life, then that's what counts.  | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/28/2008 6:44:29 PM | I get asked that all the time, because I am the same way. I don't take offense because people want to know and I would rather they hear from me then assume why I am not married or have children.
I just explain that I was to busy with my life to worry about joining it with some one elses and I am not the mothering type. I don't dislike children I am an aunt many times over and really enjoy being one. Do I ever wish I had done things different YES but that is few and far between. We all look back and wish we had tried something different or done something some other way. Would I change my life NO. I really enjoy my life and I am now at a place in it where I would enjoy sharing it with someone else.
May be I was selfish when I was younger but who wasn't? I wanted to do things and I just never found the time to include finding a husband and having children one of them.
I find now I am in a place in my life where I can devote time and energy to someone. When I was younger I didn't and it would have ended not so well.
So dont' get upset, explain, if they don't like your answers move on.
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/28/2008 7:16:33 PM | | my 2nd wife was 40 when we married and she had never been married and of course no kids, and at that age didn't want any. anything wrong with her? hell no. she was the best and we had a great marriage. her reason for not having been married: the right person never asked. i was flattered. i was fortunate beyond belief as our 14 years together were great--not always of course--but no complaints. unfortunately she suddenly died 9 years ago. also unfortunately many women of my age don't want to get married or ltr due to burnout from their previous bad marriage/too much responsibility, etc. i understand their position but i am not like their ex's. oh well, keep fishing. | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/28/2008 7:31:10 PM |
I just explain that:
I have not (yet) made marriage and family a priority in my life.
My family didn't pressure me into getting married (except my niece, when she was younger, because she wanted to be my flower girl - I told her SHE had to find my husband....LOL).
I never had an "oops" pregnancy.
I refuse to make a lifetime commitment to someone I don't know is "the one".
I am happily single and I love living alone.
Marriage clearly isn't for everyone.
I find more wrong with:
Getting married because you're pressured into it or because it's what you think you're supposed to do.
Women have "oops" (wink, wink) pregnancies and then get married because "it's the right thing to do" (ummmm....it's NOT).
Marrying the wrong person just to be married.
Being unhappily married.
Being resentful because you have to raise children you didn't plan, maybe alone.
Well said, Imalitlpot! I usually just explain that I don't believe in divorce, which is the truth but has a tendency to piss off divorced people... your approach is much more politically correct.
OP, you shouldn't ever feel obligated to explain yourself or your life choices to anyone (except, maybe, your parents)!! Remember that, and hold out til you meet someone who doesn't ask for explanation but rather accepts you for exactly who you are.
Happy fishing! | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/28/2008 10:36:03 PM | I would rather be with a woman who doesn't go into denial when you mention the present divorce rate. I love kids more than anything almost and haven't yet fell into the 'marriage trap' and hope never to. Am I normal? I hope not. Especially after looking around at all of the success stories of marriage gone bad.
You Don't Need a Marriage c-Certificate or a Ring to Fall in Love and/or Make babies.
Our purpose here on this little blue and green ball is to be happy. Period. I could always be a bit happier.....if I was with her maybe. I could also be very unhappy stuck in a bad relationship. Where is she? Damn right I'm selective. | |
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Vicu
| | Joined: 2/26/2008
Msg: 83 | |
| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/29/2008 8:35:21 AM | Answer to your title:
Many things,
40 & single to start
no kids is most likely a good thing if you are looking for someone..
Maybe you can rethink about some of the good guys you left on the side of the road and are now happily married with kids...
Or maybe you should try finding your soulmate among women instead of men, more success there
Or your personality was not conducive to be married with kids..
Many reasons, most likely, you just did not want to take the dive and keep on with your life, now you have more, and better competition...
See all those women in their 20's and 30's, many of them great looking, and looking for a guy?.. Well, they are ready to take the plunge, some will pass the opportunity, just like you did, many won't.
And now all is left is a long period of time you are going to spend watching tv dramas..
But I heard it gets better in the golden years...
Good luck | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/29/2008 9:41:02 AM | Divorced people are asked "what happened" all the time.
I don't have any problem with someone whose never been married, but I will ask about their motivations and perceptions about their choices and experiences, including why they think they never married. I try to ask in a way that doesn't communicate judgment. I might start by asking if they get a lot of comments about it, and talk about how I don't see anything wrong with it, and then ask them what their perspective is on it. I would ask similar questions about why they chose the career path they did, or what other things they thought of doing.
There are lots of questions that I get all the time that annoy me. Sometimes it seems like dating is just an exercise in explaining my disability over and over and over again, when I'd rather not pay that much attention to it. I'd rather not present myself as disabled, in favor of focusing on getting better. But it's a very relevant piece of information when dating. I have some limitations and a really unique lifestyle. I don't fault people for asking. I just try to find and rehearse answers to common questions that leave me feeling good instead of drained.
For example, when education comes up and I'm asked why I didn't finish college, I could talk about how difficult it has been financially, or I could talk about how much passion I had to be an artist and how many wonderful experiences I've been able to have because I chose to avoid college debt and live a simpler life where I was free to travel and have buckets of free time to pursue my art.
You always have the choice to put a positive spin on things.
(Now, if I could only figure out how to apply my own advice to my health situation....hmmm... being physically unable has left me free to explore the wonderous world of ideas??? ) | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/30/2008 8:45:46 AM | Me too... but I've never had to explain my resons why to anyone? It just happended that way, not much thought went into it, other than I was sure I would not have children until I was married, I've been in very loving long term relationships which havn't moved on to marrage. As I got older I began to relize I really didn't want children, having 8 nephew's, I think I had a clear idea what it would be like. I'm now at the age that I'm thankful Ididn't have any as I would not have the life I have today if I had ended up as a single parent, Yes my life would have been different, but who can say if it would have been a happy one.
Someone once told me " you'll regret NOT having children when your older" for me that's not a good enough reason to bring another life into this world, Just because I might regret it? The way we are destroying the world, I really do worry if there will be one left for them?? | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/30/2008 3:16:21 PM | oh, those guys are jerks!
... explain that you're really a tragic heroine, that your one true love died while trying to save a drowning child, and his sperm you had stored in your freezer "just in case" thawed out in a blackout...then run away as fast as possible! LOL | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/30/2008 4:06:03 PM | It seems to me that if you are talking about casual conversation, you are correct that this is a rude question unless you know a person very well. I would be quite surprised if someone at work or in a social setting asked me why my marriages did not work, for example.
On the other hand, when I meet a lady from here or any place else, it seems to me that we are sizing each other up for compatibility and chemistry. Every lady I have ever met has asked me about my marriages by the third date and I had no problem with answering as truthfully as I could. I did not consider it rude because it was not done in a rude way.
I am now in the beginning stages of a relationship with a lady who has never been married, though she does have one child. I did ask her why she has never married, she answered, and her reasons made sense.
It seems to me that what OP and some of the other posters object to is a tone of judgment in the questions. If a man you are meeting is judging you, then, yes, time to kick him to the curb and move on. But if he is just asking for information, isn't that part of what you are there to do? Ask yourself if you are one of those people who takes it for granted that others know the rules you carry around in their heads and get angry when your rules are not followed. | |
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Fifi47
| | Joined: 8/19/2004
Msg: 89 | |
| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/30/2008 4:34:03 PM | | Since so many men seem to not want to date women my age who have not been married, the ones I date are open minded and do not judge. My answer when they ask why I have not been married is usually "I have not met the appropriate man who appreciates the treasure that I am". When I said that to the man who is currently of interest to me, he touched his wineglass to mine and said "touche, spoken by a wise woman." I was 45 at that time, and am now about to turn 51. | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/30/2008 5:43:27 PM | Some food for thought, ABitMuch -- Of course, you have the right to choose to answer or not answer any question. Everyone does.
I don't think it's your personal situation (the fact you're never married, no children, early 40's) that's being specifically targeted. I just think that when people are interested in another person, they sometimes ask questions to learn more about the person, to learn what made the person who they are or what makes them tick -- I know I ask questions because I'm curious and interested, and it's also a way of learning, but I certainly hope I'm not rude. (To play Devil's Advocate, people who don't ask questions don't really seem to care all that much to me.)
In addition, I would certainly hope someone wouldn't find me rude simply because I askeda question; I figure if it's a problem for the person to answer, they can always be upfront with me and say something like, "I really don't feel comfortable talking about that now," or "It's really too personal to discuss right now," or something like that.
The questioner, you know, isn't always trying to be prying or rude or whatever you seem to imply.
I can learn by asking questions. I try not to be rude. I think I'm learning. I'm also staying out of trouble by not guessing or assuming something that's not so. I always find laying your cards on the table is a much better way to handle things. And, as I learned along time ago, "No question is a dumb one." :)
I hope I'm simply providing a different perspective on thinking about the questioner, and perhaps have helped you think about being in the other person's shoes. People tend to get offended too easily over things that may not be meant in the way they were taken. And I'm usually the one who causes all the uproar, and I try ever so hard to be good. Drat! | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/31/2008 11:02:38 AM | Come on, Vicu - what sort of veiled insult is that?
Or maybe you should try finding your soulmate among women instead of men, more success there[/quote Just because a woman is single in her 40's doesn't make her "unsuccessful" nor does it imply that she should be trying women!  I can only think you posted this to see if any of us are paying attention, and hope you are truly not that narrow minded in your views. | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/31/2008 12:18:03 PM | Thank you so much! You put my thoughts into words perfectly!!! Most people take it for granted that they will find a mate, marry and have children. And then if they don't meet the "one" they settle for what they can get and then go on with life. Me, I concentrated on getting my life together and once I saw what my friends were doing with their lives and marriages, I decided to wait for the one I really wanted. Now because that person is a little late showing up, I'm considered to be abnormal and strange because I didn't settle, or just marry to be normal.
And everyone keeps saying to me, oh you don't need a man. And all the time they have one or two looking out for them. Love is a very special thing. And so is finding a good man who can share that love with me. I just realize that people would understand that what they found is really special and they should not look as much at me for waiting for it as to thank their love that they actually found their's!
Ann in MD | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/31/2008 3:50:07 PM | | Nothing wrong there, some poeple marry 'cos it's what you are supposed to do. They end up in divorce courts with children in tow. Maybe the RIGHT one has reached your piece of sky yet. Charlie Chaplin became a Father at 92 (I think - someone put me right if not) HOPE for us all. | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/31/2008 5:06:41 PM | Lmao - Vicu is a married man seeking female friends on a dating site!!
Many reasons, most likely, you just did not want to take the dive and keep on with your life, now you have more, and better competition...
I don't have competition - I am competition! | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/31/2008 5:21:02 PM | I don't question a woman in her 40's not having been married. But if she's never had a serious relationship that lasted more than a few years..a big, red flag pops up.
And if you've been single for 20 years with no serious relationships...that sets off alarms. That just tells me that either your expectations are too high and unrealistic, or you're incapable of having serious feelings for someone. Or that you feel that nobody is good enough for you. Either way, I'm running for the hills.
Sorry, but that's the way it is. | |
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| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 7/31/2008 5:32:12 PM | | A lot of time flies by if you get up go to work church school go home and sleep. esp if you job is the 50+ hours a week kind. Why stay home and watch you body grow as you sit in front of a tv petting cats? Most single keep busy and that way push the need for another out of their mind until they pause for vacation and have a hard time finding a friend. | |
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zeeba
| | Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 100 | |
| Never married female, no children, early 40's - what's wrong here?
Posted: 8/1/2008 6:33:21 AM | OP, I agree that the thread got a bit off-track. No one should ever feel as if he/she has to justify choices to anyone else. Now, if someone asks me about my situation in the context of getting to know me, that's different!
Branes, I must take exception to your statements...and first, I respect your position. I would send you running for the hills. Because of my circumstances throughout the years, I have not ever had a relationship that lasted more than a few months. And, I have gone for years without being asked out on a date. I'm presently in that same situation.
But, here are the reasons: I have never met a man yet who has been willing to make a commitment to me. I've definitely been eager and willing to make the commitment...but they haven't. And in my situation right now, literally I do not know any men in real life who are single/divorced/widowed, and available to date. Not a single one. For whatever reason, I keep meeting the men who are married or in relationships. And, they have made it quite clear that they would love to hook up with me. Now, since that goes against every one of my beliefs, I am by myself at the current time. I don't like it at all, but that's the way it is. My expectations are not too high or unrealistic -- and I am very, very capable of having serious feelings for someone. Unfortunately, I've never met anyone so far who has serious feelings for me in return.
What amazes me is that the men I am encountering seem to think that I have the perfect life. I'm single, no children, I support myself financially...sort of the bachelorette, right? I guess I am living the life they wish they had. And, I am very fortunate -- I don't kid myself. But, it would be incredible if I could meet a man who cared for me, I cared for him, and wanted to be in a committed long-term relationship.
So, the moral of my diatribe? Let's all be careful not to pass judgment, or assume that others have it made (so to speak.) | |
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