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| How can you tell?
Posted: 7/22/2008 3:11:18 PM | | That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. How in the world have you "trapped" a man into a relationship when you have asked or demanded nothing from him? That is just crazy talk. Assuming that you are "in" a relationship when you haven`t talked about it is the trap, not laying back and demanding nothing. Man---talk bout two different ends of the spectrum here! Sorry, I just can`t even process how you think. | |
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Posted: 7/22/2008 3:18:51 PM | That makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. How in the world have you "trapped" a man into a relationship when you have asked or demanded nothing from him? That is just crazy talk. Assuming that you are "in" a relationship when you haven`t talked about it is the trap, not laying back and demanding nothing. Man---talk bout two different ends of the spectrum here! Sorry, I just can`t even process how you think.
It's quite simple really, by 'acting' cool when really underneath you're an emotional sess pit of unfulfilled desires you are putting on a persona in order to MAKE them like you, rather than being yourself and letting them judge for themselves if they like the REAL person you actually are on the inside. That is why I call it trapping them, because once you have convinced them you are this cool unemotional person you all of a sudden expect them to see your hidden emotions, and when they don't see them, you assume it is their fault. Hence you'll probably spend the rest of the time nagging at them for not fulfilling your emotional expectations. | |
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Posted: 7/22/2008 3:28:55 PM | | Not exactly where I am at , at all. I OWN my own feelings. I take responsibility for my own feelings and deal with them myself. I never expect anything from a man, emotionally, spiritually, materially. If I develop or don`t develop feelings, that is for me to deal with, and not to dump onto his lap. I`m not hiding anything. I`m just not expecting anything, not assuming anything and not taking anything. He is not responsibile for how I feel , how I handle it , or what I choose to do about it. I`m not acting cool, I am cool about emotional things. Yeah, we all have feelings, but what matters is how we choose to act on them or not act on them. This is life, not a story book, and seldom does it have the Prince Charming ending. If you can accuse me of one thing, it may be that I am a hardcore realist. And the school of reality has taught me that my "feelings" usually aren`t a very big factor in the way things play out. | |
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Posted: 7/22/2008 5:05:46 PM |
I take responsibility for my own feelings and deal with them myself. I never expect anything from a man, emotionally, spiritually, materially. If I develop or don`t develop feelings, that is for me to deal with, and not to dump onto his lap.
You're taking this situation to an extreme. Somewhere along the way, you got this impression that telling somebody how you feel, and asking them to reciprocate, is the equivalent of being nagging and "dumping" yourself on each other.
This is simply not the case. The fact is, two people cannot be happy together unless they are on the same emotional wavelength and understanding.
If you prefer to keep your feelings to yourself, and not express them, that is completely up to you, and nobody can tell you if that is right or wrong. However, if that's what you decide works best for you, then own those feelings, and stop trying to convince yourself, and everybody else, that you only do it because you think that's what all guys want. At least this way, you can find somebody who fits your emotional needs.
However, if you truly believe that guys want a woman who stays walled off, then you need to take another look at how you deel with relationships. Keeping your emotions bottled up simply to avoid annoying somebody is, not only unhealthy, but self-sabotaging. If you repeatedly keep your feelings to yourself to appease others, you're going to end up marrying somebody who expects that this is the person you are, instead of being able to connect with somebody who encourages you to express yourself.
However, only YOU know the truth of the situation. To summarize, you have to be honest with yourself as to the reason for your actions... then react accordingly. | |
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| How can you tell?
Posted: 7/23/2008 1:10:49 AM | Not exactly where I am at , at all. I OWN my own feelings. I take responsibility for my own feelings and deal with them myself. I never expect anything from a man, emotionally, spiritually, materially. If I develop or don`t develop feelings, that is for me to deal with, and not to dump onto his lap. I`m not hiding anything. I`m just not expecting anything, not assuming anything and not taking anything. He is not responsibile for how I feel , how I handle it , or what I choose to do about it. I`m not acting cool, I am cool about emotional things. Yeah, we all have feelings, but what matters is how we choose to act on them or not act on them.
Earlier quote:
The point being. If a man care about me, how hard is it for him to ask me where I am at
or about my feelings. If Ihave to force it out if him, against his will, so he can go p!ss and moan to everyone that I am demanding , what is the point? If he can`t come to me with an open heart by his own merits, it shows me that he doesn`t care much if I am there or not. If 99% of guys are never going to bring it up, well then 99% aren`t worth having around as far as I am concerned.
Can you not see how your two posts contradict each other slightly? One says that you take responsibility for how you feel, and the other says that if a man is worth having around he should be able to read and understand your hidden emotions (where you're at). If you're such a cool person, you don't have hidden emotions, because you express them on the outside so a man can try to help you deal with them and therefore keep you happy. All men want is to be with a woman who is easy to keep happy, and who keeps them happy in return, but what you are giving is a completely false impression of emotional stability in order to APPEAR like an emotionally happy person. I've read some of your other posts about how men only like skinny super models, therefore you don't get a second look because you are a large lady, yet you blatantly say on this thread that you have had several men propose to you. If that's a woman who's honest about herself and her feelings then I'm a 22 year old super model. | |
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| How can you tell?
Posted: 7/23/2008 1:37:26 AM | Desert,
We do talk about it, sometimes not verbally. Our body language says whether we are comfortable discussing things like feelings. We're men...chest thumping, beer drinking men. But those that can, are the ones that want to lay it out on the line, have it known and be done with it. We don't like rehashing why we like puppies or baby ducks, but by that time you will know what we like and dislike.
Want to talk about feelings or commitment? Just ask us in a settling that is comfortable for us to talk about it, like after dinner or a walk. If it is of urgency, ask immediately and at the moment you want to know, so we can respond. Do not ask us while we are in Victoria Sercets with you, or while we're getting down and dirty. You will not get the reponse you are not looking for and those are mood killers....;) | |
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Posted: 7/23/2008 5:29:49 AM |
If guys don`t like as a rule to talk about the relationship or feelings, and so you respect that and don`t go there, how is this wrong?
I'll tell you exactly what's wrong. You are taking a generalization (which may or may not be correct; it doesn't matter), and applying it to an individual. You cannot assume that the man you are currently seeing is anything like your idea of a "typical man." It's ok to use generalizations as a starting point, but once you get into a relationship with a man, you HAVE to talk to him, get to know him, and find out what makes him tick.
I'm going to assume that you actually do have conversations with these men, correct? My guess is that they assume they are getting the "real" you when they converse with you, and from your description in your original post, you aren't really paying attention to what he wants or needs.
I stand by what I said before... communication is the key. But communication is not just about being able to convey your own thoughts and ideas. It requires good listening skills as well. Maybe you should start listening to your men and you won't be so surprised by their proposals. | |
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Posted: 7/23/2008 5:34:21 AM |
I'm a 22 year old super model
Well... hello there young lady. Pleased to meet you. Is that your mom in your profile pics?
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| How can you tell?
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:13:20 AM | You know what? I do listen to my man. I know his likes and dislikes. Why in the world
would he stay with me and want to marry me if he wasn`t happy with me. That also makes no sense. Thinking that I sit around, do nothing, and wait to have him please me is the exact opposite of what I do. I cater to my man, take care of his wants and needs as much as humanly possible. I am a giver. I am a giver and care so much that I want to make things very nice for him and don`t want him to feel uncomfortable.
That is why I don`t bring up feelings, or emotional stuff or things that might make him
recoil. I walk on eggshells to make sure he is happy, content and satisfied with the relationship. I see no need to get him all nervous and upset with stuff he doesn`t want to deal with. Life is tough enough without me adding to it. If he wanted to deal with something he would bring it up. If not I leave it alone.
If I am not recieving something I need in the relationship, I`m not going to lay it on him. I don`t complain or "nag" (as the lovely dignified Pamperchoo suggests) or pout.
I don`t expect a thing. If I get frustrated, and know the relationship is not working for me, I leave. I totally own it. Why would I "assume" anything needs to be provided for me by a man. I give until I am not happy with the giving. When it doesn`t work any more, I leave. If he does something to hurt me, why yell and holler and cry. For what, to be laughed at or hit? I just leave with my dignity.
Men usually know when they have treated their partner badly. They have to test the waters to see how far they can push in the realtionship and what they can and can`t get away with. They do it in all areas. Men don`t want to change and I don`t even try to attempt it. It`s always the same old thing, just different parameters. If I found a man that I sincerely thought cared about me , about my feelings, and I could learn to trust over time, maybe I could trust him to open up a bit about my wants and needs. But let`s face it, most of the time, that is the last thing on their mind. You see, I accept the simple carnal nature of most men. And I try not to get disappointed when their reciprocity falls short.
Yes, I may be stereotyping a bit, but ask 100 women if I am right? Men want to be catered to, have their egos stroked, have their physical needs met, and be adored.
Seldom are interested in the real "work" of what it takes for a woman to be satisfied in a realtionship. They view it as a big pain in the kneck, so why deal with it at all. Yes there are a tiny fragment of men that actually are able to care about the woman deep inside, but let`s face it, for the most part, it`s not about her. It`s about him. So accept that from day one. That way you aren`t dissapointed. | |
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| How can you tell?
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:24:49 AM | To the OP:
I have a couple of things to say about this:
First:
Most guys are very bad at expressing their feelings. This is why nature has arranged it so most women are very good at expressing their feelings, and will tend to work on a guy to find out what he feels. While it's a well known cliche that guys don't like women to ask them about their feelings, the reality is that most guys actually rely on this kind of help to express how they feel.
I think you're an unusual woman if you don't do this, so you need to look for the kind of man who is good at expressing his feelings, so you two of you balance.
Second:
To many guys your casual attitude to emotions will mark you out as self-confident, not needy or clingy. This makes you more and more attractive to any man who has confidence issues, who is seeking self-affermation.
Well that's my opinion. I hope it's useful, or at least interesting! | |
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| How can you tell?
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:26:54 AM | Pamperchoo,
When I say large lady, I am a size 9/10. The average size of women in the U.S. is a 14. I`m not exactly huge. I have just noticed that alot of men really put intense restrictions on the size of women they would accept, regardless of what kind of shape they are in . The double standards are frustrating.
Let`s face it. Most guys want a gorgeous tiny woman, perfect in every way, self reliant, giver, 6 figure income, superwoman , totally devoted to serving him without ever wanting or needing anything of him. Why wouldn`t they? When they can`t get it, they aim for as close to this standard as they can afford. Yes this is a sweeping generalization-one that is true. | |
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Posted: 7/23/2008 6:33:21 AM | D.W., don't you see what you are doing here? First of all, you asked for advice/opinion. People are going to give theirs, and it's not always going to be all peaches and cream.
You are still speaking in generalities. You talk about "men." You have them all lumped together and claim that we all think the same way, want the same things. Not to mention that your generalities about men are wrong! Most men do NOT want a woman who is so willing to sacrifice herself so much for his pleasure. Sure, it's a nice fantasy, for 3 minutes, until we realize that with a woman like that, we might as well be married to a robot.
Your posts keep talking about what men want, as if you have men all figured out. Yet you are surprised when they propose to you. It seems maybe you don't know men well, and instead of doing things you THINK he wants, it's time for you talk to him, and LEARN what he wants. Chances are, he does not want someone who caters to his every whim, who walks on eggshells to please him, and who will call for DEFCON 1 whenever he sneezes. Show him (and yourself) a little respect and be his equal, not his love slave.
You are a walking contradiction, D.W. You want your man to tell you what's on his mind, what he wants, what is bothering him, right? Why is that? Because you want to know how to please him. Then, you say that you are NOT going to "dump" on him and tell him what's bothering you, what you want. Why do you assume that what you want from a man isn't what he wants from you? It's a double standard -- he has to be open and revealing about his own feelings, but you keep yours hidden so he doesn't have to be bothered by them. That is the definition of hypocrisy.
Stop making it so easy for these guys. They aren't seeing the real you, because you are hiding who you are to save their feelings. They assume that you really ARE this laid back, easy-going woman. Just be real... Be honest, communicate with your man, and show him the respect he deserves. Everything else will work itself out when you do. | |
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| How can you tell?
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:55:21 AM |
If I am not recieving something I need in the relationship, I`m not going to lay it on him. I don`t complain or "nag" (as the lovely dignified Pamperchoo suggests) or pout.
So you are going to remain a saint throughout the whole of your life in order to please men? whilst all the time underneath you are feeling emotions but not daring to speak of them in case the man finds it boring? You obviously think I have some personal kind of vendetta out against you, but I don't, I'm just trying to explain to you that what you are on the inside will always come out eventually. You can't bottle up emotions forever, and if you try to, you will end up dissapointed, frustrated and miserable, probably hating yourself because you've never been true to who you really are. As for the size issue, I think everyone has different tastes when it comes to physical attraction, but you clearly state on your posts that men are only attracted to thin women, and since you also say on your posts that you are a large lady, and men aren't interested in you because of it, and that's just how it is with men, how can you in your next post say you have a problem with men asking to marry you? It doesn't make sense, the two posts completely contradict each other. | |
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Posted: 7/23/2008 10:45:13 AM |
I always doubt the validity of a post from a person who has no photo in their profile and lists themselves as seven foot plus.
Give me a break...Post a picture Desert Wildflower. When I can see that you are indeed a 7', bald, BBW who wants to "date" in Moose Pass, Alaska, then I will be honored to respond to your question. Marriage proposals? You've got to be kidding!
Stop playing games and use this site for its' intended purpose! | |
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| How can you tell?
Posted: 7/23/2008 10:51:49 AM | how do you know if its a real relationship?
-if you have to ask........ | |
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| How can you tell?
Posted: 7/23/2008 10:56:19 AM |
Let`s face it. Most guys want a gorgeous tiny woman, perfect in every way, self reliant, giver, 6 figure income, superwoman , totally devoted to serving him without ever wanting or needing anything of him. Why wouldn`t they? When they can`t get it, they aim for as close to this standard as they can afford. Yes this is a sweeping generalization-one that is true.
Just goes to show you how much you DON'T know about men.
For eg:
I don't want a perfect woman, heck, I ain't even close (but parts of me ARE excellant lol)
I don't care how much she makes, I do alright for myself being self employed and as long as she isn't two days away from bankruptcy, who cares?
Superwoman, naw, I just want Lois Lane
Totally devoted? Only in the sense that she is committed to the relationship
Serving me? Yeah, when I'm sick in bed, and I'll do the same. Other than that? I've been taking care of myself for 35 yrs, I do it just fine thank you.
As for size: My waist is 32", when I was 21 it was 30. My chest is 46. I'm in better shape now than I was when I was 21 so sue me if I want a woman who also takes care of herself. As for the american average, so according to your argument because everyone else is overweight and bordering on obese, that means it's ok ?
But as for generalizations, what you described is no different than the vast majority of the ads everywhere where women want tall dark and gq handsome. (even if they're 5' round and fugly). | |
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Posted: 7/23/2008 11:01:46 AM |
Stop playing games and use this site for its' intended purpose!
It's quite possible that she is only using PoF for the forums. If that's the case, she should just say so, that her profile is a joke so she could post. If not... then I want to see a pic too!!! LOL | |
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Posted: 7/23/2008 11:06:54 AM | ^^^^^^^^BINGO!!!^^^^^^^^^ I had a lovely forum guy start harrassing me and cyber stalking me when I had my real profile up. Guess that doesn`t work, so as usual, have to be creative to keep the multitude of freaks and nasty men away.
won`t ever see my mug up here again. Too many bas!ards abound on POF. Too Bad.
I just thought a creative profile might be good for a few yuks as opposed to the here for the forums option. I thought it was a much better read, but afraid not for some.
With that profile I NEVER get anyone looking for sex!(or anything else either) | |
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Posted: 7/23/2008 11:33:34 AM | I would do you. Bring on the whale oil!
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Posted: 7/23/2008 11:41:51 AM | | Hey baby, I`m ready for ya,but already taken at the moment. See, I`m a very good girl! | |
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Posted: 7/23/2008 12:19:33 PM | | OMG OP, you're just digging yourself in deeper and deeper and you can't even see it If I were you I'd just give up on this post and pretend you never wrote it, like you pretend everything else in life cos according to you it seems to work for you, after all, you have that many guys proposing to you, what could you possibly need from internet dating? apart from to go around talking a load of sh*te on the forums. | |
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Posted: 7/23/2008 12:32:00 PM | What is your deal dear lady? I used to have a real profile. A jerk got hold of it started scaring me, so now I put the funny one in so I can still do the forums? Not like that is that unusual. But the questions I raise are very real. Sorry if my presence offends you.
So what is actually the big problem here? Yes I have been proposed to quite often and it was never right because I didn`t feel connected and it really surprised me . So I asked what I might be missing . So SORRY!!!! if that offends you or you can`t believe it. Yes people do get proposed to. Happens every day to people. What is the general problem? I don`t need to validate my life to you. | |
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| How can you tell?
Posted: 7/23/2008 12:34:09 PM |
It's quite possible that she is only using PoF for the forums. If that's the case, she should just say so, that her profile is a joke so she could post. If not... then I want to see a pic too!!! LOL
I'm sorry, but am I missing something here. Wouldn't this be considered a fake profile and against POF profile rules???
Maybe the OP is really looking for an 8 ft. Alaskan with dry skin who needs warming up. I dunno...
Krys | |
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Posted: 7/23/2008 12:35:57 PM | | I understand, D.W... You do know that you can block someone, right? You don't have to put up with people like that on this site. If they are bugging you, and making life difficult, then just block them, and you're golden! | |
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| How can you tell?
Posted: 7/23/2008 12:40:32 PM | He googled my screen name and started trying getting info about me off the internet and started trying to dig into my life and started writing me about what he knew about me. (Which was nothing, but scary to have it done to you.) So I had to leave. So ladies, unless this has happened to you , don`t be so mean.
I turned him into POF but they said that they couldn`t do anything about it because it was my fault for using a screen name I had used on other places of the internet--which is true. Won`t make that mistake again. Ladies be careful. | |
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