| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:18:21 AM |
I'm thinking she might have more than just problems with alcohol... did you even read her profile? "Do you do drugs?" "prefer not to say"
If you care about someone, you want them to stop being an alcoholic and stop doing drugs. There isn't anything wrong with that.
You are now creating your own story. He has only re met her three weeks ago. He didn't care that much for her. If she is having serious drug and alcohol issues and he was concerned about them he would not:
A. give her a vehicle to be drunk and high in.
B. try and move in with her.
You are ignoring the details of the post which is this guy has come into the picture three weeks agoand is trying to impose his will and his ideas on another adult. If he does not like these things, do not try and start a long term live in relationship with her. | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:22:49 AM | | thanks to all for the imput. I updated my unfinished profile, lol, i do not do drugs or drink a lot. you all gave me i think good advice. I'm glad that forums exsist. Take care-shedeb | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:22:50 AM | DaHitman:
If you care about someone, you want them to stop being an alcoholic and stop doing drugs. There isn't anything wrong with that.
You're damn good at ASSuming with a total absence of facts to support it. Nothing has been said either in this thread or in her profile to indicate that she's an alcoholic. For you to ASSume so, just makes you look pretty unintelligent. Don't accuse someone of something like that with absolutely ZERO facts to back up the accusation!  | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:28:10 AM | my advice is to be friends and not let him just move in.
i would let him maybe keep his toothbrush, and take the time to know him again
i think it's irrelevant how many dates he's been on, it's more if you're attracted to him and how he treats you
to not let you see your friends again is garbage, would he still mind if he went with you?
unless those friends were the type to drag you down | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:32:24 AM | Yeah DallasFlier, I bet you say that to anyone you disagree with.
I wasn't making assumptions, just questioning other's assumptions.
I've noticed that people here are always jumping to conclusions and giving advice on too little information. Telling people to "kick their significant others to the curb" at a drop of a hat based on very little info from one side only.
I just wish people would probe for more info before making these kinds of suggestions is all. Is that too much to ask? Evidently it is with people like you. | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:34:31 AM | Sounds like he is moving a bit too fast and you don't seem very comfortable with his control issues. If you think you can live with the restrictions he has placed on you then go ahead but...after three weeks you do not sound so sure.
Think long and hard before going much further. | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:40:35 AM | Why on God's green earth would you accept such a substantial gift in the beginning of a relationship?
You are supposed to fall in line with HIS plans because HE'S lonely and ready to settle down? HE doesn't want you to drink because he doesn't and wants you to stop seeing your friends?
None of that concerns you? It certainly concerns me on your behalf because it means that is many people's way of gaining control over someone. First make you feel indebted to him because he gave you a major purchase, which is tangible and reminds you of the debt every time you look at it or drive somewhere. Secondly, cut you off from all your supportive friends. Thirdly, impose his own needs and desires on you. Pretty damn scary! What concerns me is that this control will end up accelerating into more serious and abusive actions toward you.
I know people who have NEVER taken a drink, I myself don't drink very often and very rarely OVERindulge. But we don't push our own choices onto other people. I could see him asking you to cut back on the drinking if you are overdoing it all the time or it's causing a problem in your being able to be a responsible person, but to tell you not to drink at all? Yikes.
Personally I would tell him that I don't feel he should be expecting other people to change their whole lives to suit him and then I would run very fast the other direction. Please be very, very careful.
Nutt | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:41:02 AM | Why is everyone assuming the guy is controlling? Did you not bother to read the opening post????
She explained that after only 3 weeks of dating, he was demanding that she not hang out with her friends, demanding that she not drink, and insisting on moving in with her.
Most people recognise this as controlling behavior.
It sounds to me like his last relationship was with a woman who drank too much Now I'm wondering if you're even replying to the correct thread. 
Nowhere in this thread did the opening poster say anything to indicate that the guy's last relationship was with a woman who drank too much.
I wasn't making assumptions Didn't you assume, in post 15, that the guy's last relationship was with a woman who drank too much?
In post 23, you assumed that the OP had problems with drugs.
You made more un-founded assumptions than anyone else in this thread.
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:41:35 AM | | I can speak from experience on this. I dated someone over 18 years ago and reconnected with him actually here on POF last summer. He was kind of the same way. Didn't buy me a truck, but bought me a real nice necklace and we were even planning a vacation together. However, he went on to my computer and saw that I had male friends on messenger. He was so jealous that he even im'd one and acted like he was me. It was not a pretty site. (I explained this in a forum last year). I decided to cancel the vacation and got called all kinds of names and yada, yada, yada. I believe that he was also trying so hard at first to keep me away from everyone else because this way he would not be alone and we would always be together. I think he was afraid of being alone also. So much so, that now he went to the Phillipines in the first quarter of this year to find a girl. Now he tells me that he is going to get married to her in two years. He thinks it should bother me, but I am thinking good riddens. My whole point is is that you don't want to end up in this kind of situation. 3 weeks is way to early to be giving you an expensive gift like that. I think he is looking for someplace to put his carcus and he refound you. I would run, don't walk, away from this relationship. I learned the true saying about ex's are you ex's for a reason. I hope you do too for your sake. JMO! | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:41:35 AM | I personally think this is a train wreck in the making; you have been dating for 3 weeks after this you take a truck. I know you know eachother and dated before but its obvious he wanted to buy your loyalty and love and you said, "sold!".
Living together is a terrible idea and this person sounds very insecure, controlling, and very dysfunctional.
You then let everything go by because you get a truck, and then after all of this, you say what should I do.
IMHO you should have never taken the truck, and you should have said, lets take it slow; as long as your not an alcoholic and your friends arent' out of control; you are not going to tell me what I can and cant' do; and I'm not going to be with someone just so they arent' alone.
Good luck. | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:45:42 AM | Keep the truck and tell him to get on his bike no one wants to grow old alone but we all need our friends and a little freedom to do as we please, what does he expect u to do all day/ weekend hoovering washing dishes or mabey a little ironing, tell u what a truck is an awful price to pay for giving away ur happiness one day the truck will end up in the scrap yard, please make sure you dont. | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:50:41 AM |
demanding that she not
Again... reread the post... she did not use the word "demand". She used "wants me to".
There is a difference, although this seems to be lost on you and half the people here...
I want the magician to pick me to be onstage, but I'm not going to get up there and demand that he picks me.... | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:52:03 AM |
I wasn't making assumptions, just questioning other's assumptions.
I'm thinking she might have more than just problems with alcohol... did you even read her profile? "Do you do drugs?" "prefer not to say"
Da Hitman, this is one of those times in life where you are supposed to either own up to your mistakes or at least stop defending them. I just pointed out a pretty major assumtion that you made. What you were doing wa trying to state that you did not view what was going on as controlling. You either saw the error of that statement or you saw that the majority of folks see it differently and now you are back peddling. Once someone shuts down one of your arguements you simply try and create another one.
I've noticed that people here are always jumping to conclusions and giving advice on too little information. Telling people to "kick their significant others to the curb" at a drop of a hat based on very little info from one side only
That is a lie. You did not notice anything. You jumped to several conclusions, including that she may have a drug or alcohol problem. While it is embarrassing to eat humble pie once in a while, everything that ou said is written down, brother. You can't just pretend that you didn't say them like in a verbal conversation. | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 11:58:48 AM |
Again... reread the post... she did not use the word "demand". She used "wants me to".
There is a difference, although this seems to be lost on you and half the people here...
I want the magician to pick me to be onstage, but I'm not going to get up there and demand that he picks me....
See, there you are doing it again. Fine, I will explain it to you. Demand is in the context of the relationship. Thee weeks into a romantic relationship you are not in a position to try and change the behaviours or the life style of the other person. At three weeks, if you do not like certain behaviours you do not have the right to change them. You move on. By suggesting changes in what she does he is trying to mold her into a form more to his liking in stead of liking who she really is, thus being... demanding. | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:05:10 PM |
That is a lie. You did not notice anything.
Sorry, I did notice... from responses from other people when I myself submitted a post asking for advice...
People do jump to conclusions way too quickly here. It's sort of like gang mentality. When one person does it, everyone else jumps on board and does it too. I tried offering an alternative explanation... trying to defend the party who is not here in some meager way... speculating the same way everyone else is doing.
And you're no better. You're worse! You claim I was lying- not saying might be lying, just saying I was lying, when you don't even know what I was talking about, because you never read that thread I was basing this observation on! | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:06:26 PM | | RUN!! RUN AWAY!! This is ridiculous, you already know that. | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:06:28 PM | I'd be giving him his truck back... You NEVER get something for nothing in this life OP and I suspect you are going to pay dearly for that gift! Such a gift is way too extravagant for a brand new dating relationship even if you did date years earlier and I am wondering why it wouldn't bother you to accept something that comes with control strings attached? (Not nice to take advantage of someone's neediness either, I might add).
I agree with the other posters who say that he is needy and rather desperate. That belongs to him.
Your part in this is being strong enough to know that needy does not equal love. Give the truck back and keep your independence until you find someone strong enough to love you for you rather than someone who just wants to be with you because he can.. | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:18:11 PM |
Sorry, I did notice...
No you did not offer an alternative explantation. You insinuated that she had a drug problem. And just as i posted, instead of addressing the point and bofy of my post, you ignored them and on to the next made up topic. Yo're not going to aknowledge the assumptions that you made (that you claimed that you did not make and blasted someone else for), You will simply keep making up topics at randow to feebly try to prove an invalid point and name calling.
But I'll tell you what, You show me one assumtion that I have made in this thread and I will apologise and admit wrong doing for it. So far more than what you are able to do.
And don't waste your time with the word demand. I have already clearly explained how that works.
Other than that, I wash my hands of you, Hitman. | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:27:54 PM |
People do jump to conclusions way too quickly here.
Ain't that the truth! Like you jumping to the ridiculous conclusion that she was an alcoholic with drug problems. | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 12:32:05 PM | | Help? Run. You are dealing with a control freak. Control freaks end up being manipulators that eventually can lead to emotional abuse. They do this because they are very emotionally insecure, so they buy their way inside your life with gifts and what not. So run as fast as you can, three months is WAY to soon for all this to be taking place. | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 1:19:22 PM | DaHitman, this is the comment from the OP that caused me to conclude that he is controlling, that and he gave her a totally inappropriate gift the first week they were together even if she has known him for 20 years and he is uber wealthy.
He does not want me to go out or see any of my old friends who occasionally drink and is totally against me having a drink
This suggests that he wants to re-enact Prohibition and that didn't work out the first time. I don't ever go out for a drink and rarely have a drink with dinner but if I had people that I would meet to celebrate a birthday and someone wanted me to refrain from this activity because alcohol was involved, I would have a problem with this. She does not say these are barflies, she says they rarely drink. | |
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| i need advice,please
Posted: 7/22/2008 1:25:48 PM | Well, to say this bluntly, exes are exes for a reason.
It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you with the truck. If you want to go see your friends and have a drink then you should be able to do that without having issues with him. I would hate for this to end up as him saying you cant go visit your friends in HIS truck. I have been in a relationship that was almost exactly like this and you really need to keep being you and if he doesnt like it then he can go his own way. I am not saying that you go on like you were single, but friends are a big thing in a persons life, and you should have to drop them because you b/f is insecure. Also, you have your own place and you shouldn't have to give it up because he cant stand to be without you. It realy sounds like is is codependent and I think you should take it really slow, if at all, with this one. | |
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