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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:08:16 AM | YOu were fearful of asking the important questions AND FEARFUL of believing what you surely must have known to be true. As you didn't want to drive away what you hoped was a great guy. The mistake you made was assuming that a good guy would leave if you called him out on his bluff. No, a good guy will appreciate that you took the effort and was responsible. The liars will leave.. and good riddance to them.
Naivety is rampant in these replies. The mistake made was made by the OP. She is A. Gullible. B. Ignorant and C. Lonely
I do feel for the OP. The mistake she made was in believing what couldn't possibly be. She should have protected herself more.
There was a 1 in a million chance that all the things the guy told her were true.
There was huge odds that the entire thing was a complete fabrication.
She bet EVERYTHING on the long shot in the hopes that she'd win.
There were so many items: the work thing, the after 7 thing, the back home at 10 thing, never calling his work, never seeing his home.
She admits to doing some research but obviously it didn't work. So she preferred to believe the lie.
For the record. 16 married women all stating they were single, love the Clerk of Courts website, Google as well. When you live open and clean, one has nothing to hide.
Only 16? " she was only 16 ,, only 16"
There's hundreds of profiles that misrepresent themselves. so I am sure you just haven't gone through them yet.
Sure, she should have seen the bells and maybe she did but chose to ignore them, we’ve all done it.
not all of us.
However, in my ripe old age, you better belief I’m checking and I share that up front. Christ you are checked out for a freaking job! I trust everyone up to the point of not trusting but in the beginning, some verification or due diligence needs to be done, some statements checked out or you’re setting yourself up for some serious and preventable hurt.
yup. you either figure it out for yourself , ask questions or if you don't care, you just play along with their game.
It is what it is and like it or not, stick your head in the sand, I don’t care. Do you hire someone to work on your house without checking them out? And what about STD? Don’t you ask? Damn right you better but how can you believe them?
People on here - as a group- seem divided on asking personal questions. Many women constantly say that they want SPONTANEITY and want sex to be spontaneous. So they don't ask questions and don't bring a rubber. AS "ladies" don't anticipate having sex.....it's almost surreal. I highly doubt that these same people who insist on spontaneity are likely to sit down to say" so when was your last medical and ..."
and when I say "people" i mean " people who post" as the majority of people simply watch the trainwrecks, all the while shaking their heads at the naivete and /or stupidity of those of us who do post.
I’ve got a paper from the Doctor saying I’m clean, one woman I met demanded it, thought it was odd but then realized just how prudent it was.
We’re not talking pee test and hair sample here but a little snooping is in order – trust blindly and your heart will be crushed.
Many of the women on this site or who post or who follow the posts have been thru the wringer in their marriage. They have been out of the dating scene for quite some time. They are pretty low on the learning curve. They "fall" for any line as they have never heard of it before even though the rest of us have heard it years earlier.
Guys are astounded at how easy it is to get some women to do anything by simply telling the women 3 simple words " I'll buy it!" ...
does a contraction count as one or two...?
no ... actually i mean... " I love you" although the first one works pretty well too..
Her being a nurse has very little weight on this issue as I have met some wonderful nurses who are compassionate yet I have met some not so wonderful nurses who don't seem to care much about anything except putting in their shift. Same is true for doctors. Some are wonderful but others really aren't.
Many doctors and nurses are actually trained to not believe the patients - usually patients who are purposefully misleading and vague as they deny the causes of their symptoms.- so being a nurse should may have beneficial. Yet it didn't seem to help.
It wasn't the job that got in the way. Many people are compassionate. Not all get in deep by a con artist.
This is the second time she has been treated like this- bothtimes from this site. So I wonder how it is that she didn't learn to follow the "plan" on this second time around.
There are only so many blulhsit stories a guy can tell about:
1. not seeing his home,
2. not calling at work,
3. not calling at home,
4. not being available after 7 ,
5. not staying past 10 ,
6. not checking out the job situation,
7.not being from the hometown.
8. never meeting his friends.
If the guy doesn't have any friends or never introduces you to any, then something is wrong. I know that he was from away but this should have raises your suspicions.
What was it that bush said- actually jumbled - about being taken twice and shame on who??? - ( yet another useless saying ... )
BE careful out there. Your heart is a precious thing. | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:33:56 AM | nursemommy that will teach you to believe anything from a dating site, esp a FREE dating site. What did you expect?
You may not have noticed yet, he is also in a wheelchair and has hepatitis, which I'm sure he would have told you about as soon as you met | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 6:45:42 AM |
his lies were so severe that I believe he has to be psychotic to be able to come up with them. Does anyone have any advice?
First of all..What medical degree do you have ,to make such a diagnosis?
sounds to me, after reading your story this man is a liar! It doesnt make him "psychotic"
You described himin your first paragraph as "perfect in all ways" Well I hate to be the one to break this to ya sweetheart!.............but NO ONE is perfect! You have let yourself fall into a trap that so many other people have fallen into. Your pride is hurt and now you seek some kind of restitution!
Learn from this and leave it behind!
P.S. This man didnt hurt your children! ...YOU hurt your children by introducing this man to soon in your relationship. | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 10:36:23 AM | Ok first and foremost, you are a victim of a cyberpath/sociopath and it sounds like he has a narcassistic personality. NO I am not an MD but I have worked in the medical field for almost 30 years. AND, if SOME folks were smart enough they would do their own research online and find out these things instead of pointing fingers to those of us who have been victims. Once you go through things yourself, you learn to do some research on your own. I am going to list some things that has really helped me and hopefully they will help you, but for future reference to all the guys & gals, google cyberpath, sociopath, psychopath and you can research it for yourself. The following might not all pertain to him but just some FYI. AND of course he was on POF the next morning looking for his next VICTIM.
I do agree there were some red flags . Watching his watch and not being available after 7 (regardless of his excuse) if he was FOR REAL, he would have made himself available to you some how. I wont elaborate on anything else.
I do hope the following helps
Profile of a Sociopath
An outstanding ability to charm and seduce others (victims)
Since they appear apparently normal, they are not easily recognizable as deviant or disturbed. Although only a trained professional can make a diagnosis of whether or not someone is a sociopath, it is important to be able to recognize the personality type in order to avoid further abuse by this person.
Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis.
Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion, it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Remains unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause.
Those things listed above are only a few descriptions. Now onto narcissists.
Narcissistic personality disorder = The cause of this disorder is unknown. Narcissistic personality disorder usually begins by early adulthood and is marked by disregard for the feelings of others, grandiosity, obsessive self-interest, and the pursuit of primarily selfish goals.
Like psychopaths, narcissists are serial offenders, and this is because of the reason why they offend. It's an acting out of something they do for a high.
Why? Because serial infidelity isn't normal. It's just cattin' around. It is the narcissist's way of acting out that his or her marriage means nothing to them. They prove this in deed by risking that marriage for a lark, every chance they get. That's why serial infidelity is pathological, and normal infidelity is human.
So, don't let any simpletons confuse you about the difference between normal (and forgivable) infidelity and the serial infidelity of the malignant narcissist. It is not the same thing at all, and no one with any self respect can put up with it.
Narcissists are predators, but many people fail to appreciate the meaning of that term, letting it in one ear and out the other. The word predator seems to mean nothing to them unless you put the word sexual in front of it. As if sexual predators are the only kind. Thinking like that makes you easy prey for other kinds of predators, like street con artists, wolves and gold diggers ("love thieves") Etc
The result is the feeling of having just been raped on a very deep level. It is a soul rape!
another good link: http://www.geocities.com/lycium7/cyberpath.html
Sorry I wrote a book, hope it helps! | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 10:53:47 AM | 
Thank you. Thank you for putting it into a classifiable definition.
In any case, I'm not saying that anyone should sit back and be a 'victim'. Some women take self-defense courses, others don't. We need to learn to be responsible for ourselves and develp street smarts... unfortunately, we often don't KNOW we need this UNTIL we have been burned.
Klopper...
The changes you've made in your communications haven't alwasy been the result of new information by the OP but rather when someone says something about how rude or mean your statement has been..
and.. please, if you're going to quote me, then do so correctly. What I said was
OP, keep the faith and keep an open trusting heart... just make sure to verify from now on.. *s*.
In other words, I don't want her to become 'closed, jaded, and cynical' towards everyone -- that would just allow this man to 'win' and have more effect on her and her life than he already has.
And please don't preach to me about single mothers. I've been one for over 12 yrs now and after bringing one man into my life for a long-term relationship, that didn't work out in the end.. and the effect it had on me (missing his kids) and my kids (missing them).. made the decision NOT to bring anyone around. I wasn't going to have a revolving door and I wasn't going to subject them to injury. I am all about the protection of the children by single mothers.
I do have a question though.. the women you brought home to your place.. your son wasn't around... correct? Did you verify these women before bringing them home? because you know... these behaviours aren't limited to men.. and as such, by knowing where you live, could be a threat to your boy.
As for the verification of facts.. I tend to not meet unless I've spent some time talking on the phone first... and through that method I have been successfully able to 'weed' out those lying. There are many different ways of doing it... just don't ignore 'red flags'.. | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 11:36:02 AM | | It is not easy to be a man. His woman expects him to be loyal, but he can not be. All the hot women around..... he wants to have sex with all of them. He needs to be in love. So, he pretends, he lies. He can not help it - it is in his NATURE. You wanted to be in love too. So, you found a man. We can not help what we like, even though what we like might not be good for us. We have NO POWER over such things. Look at the bright side: beautiful memories were created, you were not raped or badly mistreated. If you did not get what you wanted - a long-term relationship with the man, it could be for the best. Many men are good ONLY AS LOVERS. And to find a good lover is not that easy. I dated a number of single men who pretended to be kind, caring, considerate, generous, reliable, but turned out to be cheep, rude, unreliable, bad listeners, into teenage girls. Disappointment is part of the DATING GAME. | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 11:49:42 AM | | Klopper, I beg to differ with the two statements you made being different. How to you "allow" yourself to be a victim? Nobody wants to be made a fool of...he was a total and complete jerk and that's putting it nicely...The only redeaming (sp?) feature about him is the fact he wasn't married so I'm sure in his self-centered mind it was o.k. I feel for the poor woman who is still with him baby in tow. Who knows what her financial situation is. After what happened to me as I expressed in my venting, I just may go to that website mentioned. I am really, really, really, over these men who only think about their "needs" and nobody elses. They should be EXPOSED for the ass wipes they are. | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 11:57:01 AM | | There should be a website "MEN ON LINE A WOMAN SHOULD BE AWARE OF".Or "BAD BOYFRIENDS." Something like REFERENCE FOR DATING MEN. There are websites where men who are into hookers, can read about the hookers in their area. Who are good and who are lousy..... | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 11:59:31 AM | Since this is a free service and there is no security blanket human nature dictates that we are more interested in tales of misery rather than some feel good story about a basket of kittens. Keep expectations low but do not allow one miserable experience to justify becoming jaundiced about cyber dating. It is what it is .  | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 12:07:52 PM |
There should be a website "MEN ON LINE A WOMAN SHOULD BE AWARE OF".Or "BAD BOYFRIENDS." Something like REFERENCE FOR DATING MEN. Some internet providers won't allow you to get on this site, I can't, but there are sites that have men listed. Don't Date Him Girl is one that I was told about. Last year I could get on it and there were some horror stories like the OP's.
And I read someone else's comment about protecting children. I know I waited before introducing my children, but how long is long enough? When you think you are the one, then you introduce your family. Unfortunately, some people just are into themselves and don't care about who they hurt. Heartless people exist... | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 12:09:57 PM | | You go girl!!!!!! I've googled every man who has contacted me for any length of time and who I was interested in. It's not always there to find. If they are bonifide nutcases they know how to go undetected...that's why fraud has gotten to be so rampant. If they don't want to be found they won't be...at least not by an amature. | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 12:10:34 PM | | too bad there couldn't be a feedback testimonial just like ebay ... that way people will keep more in line with treating other with more care. Sorry about your experience .. if someone wants to deceive, they will. Next time, try to see if your "spidey" senses act up. Intuition is a good thing because if it walks like a duck ..... | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 12:50:59 PM | That's true Veiled,
I do back down when someone say's I'm rude or mean but to me, the way I talk is just like normal everyday talk between good friends, co-workers, family, etc. because they care and I care for these women and their kids. It that shows me that my way of insuring that my points really get across is working ( well hopefully lol) instead of just patting them on the back and saying better luck next time cause we all know where that goes most of the time. I will watch out for my meanness and rudeness more in the future though, thanks.
Oh, she could easily become closed, jaded, and cynical towards all men.....most of us do towards the opposite gender (for awhile) as she's human and totally understandable if she does. Him "winning"......This whole scenario has nothing to do with him "winning", it's about her getting sound advice so she achieves a better future.
OK, well, it sounds like you are closed, jaded, and cynical towards the opposite gender due to your own bad mistakes so don't blame us, the good ones.
Yes, my son was around when we were getting to know each other....I'm not one of these lame brained idiots who's going to kiss or feel a woman I barely know while my son is around....let alone go to bed with them while he's playing a game or watching tv. If it was a date, then grandma time. I am a Catholic Christian and have faith in other good singles who are looking for a good friend or a good date. I am a man so I don't worry about those I invite to my house, I can take care of anything that may arise and can kick out anybody who seems weird, psycho, etc but that's never happened.
I wholeheartedly agree that women shouldn't invite men over though, until they know the man and dad. | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 1:28:40 PM | | I just looked at your profile and noticed there is a photo of you and one of your children! And you NAME the child? Have you LOST it????? You want advice? Get rid of it! This is the internet!!!!! | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 1:53:54 PM | I just looked at your profile and noticed there is a photo of you and one of your children! And you NAME the child? Have you LOST it????? You want advice? Get rid of it! This is the internet!!!!!
I agree with Circe
I would never ever ever put a pic of child up!
There are predators everywhere hun! You have to be CAREFUL! | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 1:54:11 PM | Wow, I totally feel for you babe. That's nasty!!! I would be LIVID! 
This just confirms for me how important it is to see the guy's place pretty quickly after meeting - for that and other reasons. It tells you so much about a person. Hell, with one guy, I'm certainly glad I saw his place on the first date. Let's just say there was not a second date! Could ya clean up a little??? Maybe wipe up that 3 inch coating of dust on everything??? GAG.
I digress.
If they have an issue with showing you their place, that's a red f*ing flag if I ever saw one.
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 2:06:52 PM | | You poor thing! I went through the exact same experience,but,the only difference was that I work with the creep. After a while he faked a terminal illness and had me heart broken. He fooled all of us until later I found out. I thought I would never be able to live that one down and never trust anyone again. But I did learn to trust again. It took a while but all the horrible things he did was a lesson for me to be more aware. I turned the situation into a positive experience and it did me well. But I felt the same way about wanting to let others know about him. My friends insisted that I let him burn himself . I listened to them,but, it is hard to see him do this to other people nearly every day. All of that for a piece of ass? How pathetic. Those kind of people have lied so much in their lives that they eventually become pathological liars, believing in their own lies. That's when they eventually get noticed. I stayed cautious yet open and found someone that treats me better then I could ever have imagined and we've been together well over a year. Don't give up just because you crossed paths with some weirdo. There are many good men out there. | |
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 2:10:43 PM |
Excuse me please, BUT all 3 women I have met and known off of POF met me at my house, knew my cell number and home number, met my son, knew where I worked and my work number so big mother fukin dealll !!!! If anybody is going to throw a hissy fit about it then no wonder they've been online for years and years while constantly bytching about being victimized(not speaking about the OP) .
Excuse me Klopper, I am really sorry you have apparently gotten so offended that you have to go into a swearing fit over my disagreeing with your post... Wow if you treat strangers who haven't treated YOU like that, I'd hate to see how you treat people you consider friends...
I am curious who exactly you are refering to as being "victimized" for years???" I sure hope that isn't a personal attack, because I am NO VICTIM, I am someone that has experience with a lot of do's and don'ts... That doesn't make me a victim, and frankly I am not sure the OP really feels like a VICTIM, but rather VICTIMIZED...
I do find it extremely interesting that you PRIDE yourself on having three women come over to your house on a first meet... Hmmmm have to wonder if they had sawdust for brains because that is at the top of the list of NOT TO DO's, when meeting a stranger. It is an extremely great way to be victimized through rape or even murder... AND rape this way happens alllll the time...
I have to wonder what kind of posting you would make against someone who was victimized through rape, because she TRUSTINGLY went to the guys house for a first meet. Someone stating they are Christian, Catholic and or a dad certainly doesn't mean they follow the word, and since women are sexually assaulted every 45 seconds in the world, going to someone's house on a first meet seems extremely niave and dangerous..
People make dating mistakes all the time, whether it be a man or a woman, there is no perfect indicator that any one person is a wolf in sheeps clothing... Lets look at the Green river killer, he used to take his son with him on quite a few of his rape and murders, or he'd show these gals his sons pic. He murdered 49 KNOWN victims, and not all of them were prostitutes...
The op is lucky in a lot of ways that she found out when she did, who knows what kind of major havoc he could have brought into her life. Her kids will be confused, but I am sure she will be less trusting of any guy she meets, and whether she allows the guy to meet her children.
It is sad to say that THIS TOO is the nature of DATING, not only on line, but dating in general. AND not all men that state they are nice guys, LIKE women who want to know personal information. Do a thread search and see the responses on women who google the person before a date. As well there are many threads by men begrudging how "paranoid" women are these days.
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| Wow!! Can you believe this one? What should I do?
Posted: 7/23/2008 2:16:57 PM | | It's not like there weren't red flags flying everywhere around you. Never knew a man that had to keep a check on his watch unless he was up to something or he had to be back home on time. | |
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